In terms of blogging, this site has (once again) become redundant. However, I want to use this space to let loose some honesty. Every now and then, events happen in life that cause people to begin gossiping. The number 1 past-time for the Great British public.
Other people.
I remember, just over 10 months ago, I wished everyone a fabulous 2014 before drowning my liver with copious amounts of cider and Jack Daniels. That New Year's Eve night was brilliant, but the year as a whole has been one catastrophe after another, with odd moments of brilliance sandwiched in to make it bearable. Some of them created by mistakes from myself, some of them not. Within these very pages, there have been commitments to the future that have passed me by in the blink of an eye and not adhered to. The apparent happiness of accomplishments that, long term, throw me into another shit storm of uncertainty and unpredictable behaviour. The diaries of the dark days, now with an explanation that matches the madness. The prose that left its readers feeling down, let alone the author...
The last few months especially have been extremely difficult and eye-opening. In many ways this stage of my life has also provided inspiration, so there's a piece of positivity for those of you who, like my Dad, are the glass half-full types. I've met a lot of new people, most of whom have been exceptional people to meet, and have really got me thinking about my own life and where it is heading. Am I the kind of person who could feasibly manage working in an insurance office? No. In all honesty, it didn't take me that long to work it out, but no. Let's be honest here, I don't want anything like that. I want to write. So, I've invested in time to do just that. Write. I'm writing an anthology and have just restarted a novel and I spend my spare time, notebook in hand, jotting down ideas that pop into my head and developing characters and plots. I've reached a point in my life now where I just don't care for other people's views on what I should do with MY life.
In the last six weeks or so, I met a group of 35 inspirational people in the heartland of capital city. I was invited to go on the Stonewall Talent Programme - A program that teaches you to be authentic in life as an LGBT role model. The three days I was there were extremely eye-opening, emotional and quite frankly brilliant. I walked away from the programme with a whole new idea of where I wanted my life to go. 5 weeks later and I was back in London for the reunion and everyone seemed shocked yet inspired by my choice to go for my dreams. I suppose its kinda Hollywood but so what?
Life is indeed too short right?
That lesson is one that was horribly confirmed to me last night when someone reminded me about the loss of someone who has a special place in my heart. Mattie was my first boyfriend, secret, and special. The times we spent together were magical. He was the most caring, understanding person in the entire world. He knew I wanted to come out in my own time, and didn't pressure me whatsoever into doing it for the purposes of our relationship. He helped me do just that. He was also one of the funniest guys I've had the pleasure of meeting. He used to joke with me that I wasn't a proper gay because I'm not particularly camp! All in jest of course. Meeting him for the first time, (of course in a bar - where else?) left me gob-smacked with his openness and honesty. I suppose I learnt the positives of being as open as I am because of him. We just clicked. I haven't felt like that since, and I miss that feeling. And now he's gone, another victim of the roads. So young.
But, as my Father says, life goes on. I have to think of my own future and do what's best for me instead of just tip-toeing around other people's opinions of what I should do. Its a lesson most people learnt years ago, but I'm just getting to grips to.
Monday, 27 October 2014
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Memories From The Tour
As you can probably tell, my mood lately has been quivering between 'bad' and 'insanity'. Things haven't been great lately, but with the distinct possibility of an upward turn in events from tomorrow plus a pretty good weekend lined up, hopefully I've reached the core and can start working my way back up to the crust.
In the meantime, I've been reading through older posts, as I'm sometimes accustomed to doing, and realised that I never blogged about "that tour". Oh yes, back in April, myself and 15 cricket club comrades took to the road and toured Wales for the weekend. It was a 4 days I will never, ever forget...
I remember the Wednesday night before. I was all packed and literally couldn't sleep through the excitement. I was like an 8-year old waiting to go to Disneyland. It was only when I was drifting off that I woke up startled that I had packed everything apart from my cricket whites. Bearing in mind we were indeed playing some cricket on this tour, my actual kit may well have been useful! I only got a few hours sleep then, when I decided to get up at about 8am and give the car I had been given for the weekend a spin around Bedford, (Thanks Craig!) I went to Tesco's, I went to Mum's for a cup of tea and even then there was still an hour to go before we actually left. By then I just decided to go to The Bury (our home ground) and wait. I walked around the club for an hour, soaking in the sporting atmosphere and remembering scorching hot days of the past, scoring runs and taking insane catches. At 9.30am, the first people turned up, each looking as excited as the next and it was 10am by the time everyone had turned up. There were four groups of four cars and we had decided beforehand to compete for a first victory of the tour. A Top Gear style race to the Copthorne Hotel in Cardiff. The first ones there get a drink bought for them. The last ones there face a forfeit.
I refused to come last.
Along the way, myself driving with TK, Ben and Dom alongside me, we cracked some jokes, throwed some rumours about what everyone had brought for their fancy dress costumes for Saturday night and I was in the best possible mood. Every now and then we checked on the locations of others and we quickly realised we were miles out in front. One team had forgotten something so had to turn round and go back half an hour in, (they inevitably came last), another team was stuck in traffic after going a different way (they finished 3rd) leaving us and Force India to battle it out for victory. We thought we were miles in front, even taking a brief stop on the hard shoulder of the M4 so Ben could piss in the bushes, (pulling into the services was not a risk I was willing to take). We didn't see Force India until the very last roundabout leading into the hotel when we pulled in behind them before the traffic lights. They would win. When the lights turned green, I fully expected them to turn left into the hotel, but they didn't. They'd missed the turning! We had won! It was the first of what was to be many memories!
After dossing around the hotel for a few hours, we made our way to our first game. It was a Twenty20 match in Newport. I won't spend too much time talking about the cricket, but we won by 7 wickets. I even bowled and got a wicket myself! On Friday, we had a glorious tour around the SWALEC stadium, where they hold some England test matches and is Glamorgan's home ground. Most anticipated this to be the low point of the whole tour, but it was actually really interesting learning about the history of the game in Cardiff and Glamorgan CCC. We even had a two-hour training session in their complex which was pretty cool. We each got a go against the high-tech bowling machine. Now. Me, rather unwisely, thought I'd use this time to work on my weaknesses. I told the boys to notch up the pace to 70mph and set the machine to bowling short. In other words. Very, very fast and at my face. Obviously I was wearing a helmet, but the very first ball I faced cracked me in the ribs. Not perturbed, but wincing a lot, I carried on. The 2nd ball clean bowled me. The third ball smashed me on my arm. The fourth ball glanced my helmet as I JUST got out of the way before I decided enough was enough. Back to a normal length and a normal pace, but by then I was so scared, I just kept getting out. It wasn't a wise move. And it was a move that won me the 'Dick of the Day' award. A forfeit was on the horizon...
Friday night however was when the real stories begin. Drinking in the hotel was funny enough, as we all naturally got drunk along with the youngsters of the group who wouldn't be able to come into the city centre with us. Michael, just 14, was the subject of a cruel experiment but he didn't let us corrupt his youth too much with excessive cider! By the time we went out, everyone was suitably lucid and the night ahead was one not to be forgotten.
We went to a couple of bars, joked around and danced, met Kev from American Pie and danced some more. It was hilarious. Things after though notched up a level. I won't say names, but one of the party invited us all to the local "exotic bar joint" as he so aptly put it. Most of the party said "no don't be stupid", and bearing in mind I really should have been at the front of that party, I was as surprised as everyone else to find myself saying, "Why not". It really wasn't long before I realised that this place, as if I didn't know before, wasn't really for me... I left and found the other guys carrying on the drinking some place else. The chaps I left behind spent literally hundreds. One of the guys I had found was then promptly kicked out of the new bar for trying to scoop beer from the taps himself into his own mouth. It was extraordinary! By 3.30am, there were 3 of us left, and even then, it was so much fun. We eventually got in at 4am and proceeded to wake everyone up. Such fun!
I'm not sure about everyone else, but I certainly woke up with a sore head. What was worse was that I had my forfeit to complete. After my antics against the bowling machine the day before, my forfeit was to wear my fancy dress costume a day early. For the whole day. Basically, I hadn't had any time to buy anything new for the fancy dress part so I went with an old idea. An idea that resides in this blog.
Yes. I had to be dressed, for the whole day, as The Stig.
Turning up to our opponent's ground for our game on Saturday sure was interesting. Not only did I have to dress as The Stig, I had to act like him as well. A WHOLE DAY, of pure silence in a roasting hot white racing suit. There was a long walkway from the car park to the changing rooms, and I could hear the opposition laughter from a long way away. The reaction was exactly the same as that party from months ago. People loved it.
It turns out we were very early for the game, so I gave myself a chance to survive and took the visor off in the changing room. I was determined to not let any of the opposition see. I wasn't captain for the day, (captaining while silent is tough!) so when Monty came back in and announced we were batting, I was delighted. I was to open as The Stig, and when I walked out donned in pads, gloves and holding my GM, everyone was roaring with laughter. The opening bowler must have wondered what he was bowling at. I could barely see a thing as the first ball approached. I could just about see the outline of the ball leaving the bowlers hand, and managed to glance my first ball for a single, to rapturous cheers from both sets of teams. Even I was stumped as to how I had managed to hit that. It didn't quite go to plan for the 2nd ball though as I was clean bowled. Naturally, I stood there for a while, before walking off.
I wasn't going to survive the whole day wearing the visor as it was extremely warm, so decided to allow myself to take it off when I wasn't on the field to allow some breathing space. The rest of the day went along without any hiccups, despite fielding at slip wearing the visor, and we got thrashed. Not that it mattered.
Saturday night was even better than the Friday night. We all got very drunk again, but this time, we ALL went out in fancy dress. Of course, I was still stuck in my Stig costume, but others joined me in the fancy dress fun. There was a couple of monks, Danny Zuko from Grease, a Guantanamo Bay prisoner (he's the controversial one of the group!), a bottle of Jagermeister, a superhero of some description, and even 53-year old Charlie joined in the fun dressed as a Ghostbuster. It was just brilliant.
That night goes down as one of the most interesting and funny nights of my life. If you looked at the night on paper, you'd see a group of lads going to a club. No biggy. But but what happened inside that club was truly memorable. 53-year old Charlie, led a conga line around the club, consisting of a good 30 people to the Ghostbusters theme tune. He also downed a fair few shots in a night he will surely remember. Myself, dressed as His Stigness of course, got chatted up by more girls than the rest of the other guys combined and Dom simply melted in his Jagermeister costume. Bless him! It was just indescribably glorious though!
There's not a lot more to describe as our game on Sunday, rather thankfully for me as I was seriously struggling at this point, was rained off. We drove home, almost in as high a spirit as we came, running through the events of the past 4 days.
17th-20th April 2014. A trip I will always remember.
In the meantime, I've been reading through older posts, as I'm sometimes accustomed to doing, and realised that I never blogged about "that tour". Oh yes, back in April, myself and 15 cricket club comrades took to the road and toured Wales for the weekend. It was a 4 days I will never, ever forget...
I remember the Wednesday night before. I was all packed and literally couldn't sleep through the excitement. I was like an 8-year old waiting to go to Disneyland. It was only when I was drifting off that I woke up startled that I had packed everything apart from my cricket whites. Bearing in mind we were indeed playing some cricket on this tour, my actual kit may well have been useful! I only got a few hours sleep then, when I decided to get up at about 8am and give the car I had been given for the weekend a spin around Bedford, (Thanks Craig!) I went to Tesco's, I went to Mum's for a cup of tea and even then there was still an hour to go before we actually left. By then I just decided to go to The Bury (our home ground) and wait. I walked around the club for an hour, soaking in the sporting atmosphere and remembering scorching hot days of the past, scoring runs and taking insane catches. At 9.30am, the first people turned up, each looking as excited as the next and it was 10am by the time everyone had turned up. There were four groups of four cars and we had decided beforehand to compete for a first victory of the tour. A Top Gear style race to the Copthorne Hotel in Cardiff. The first ones there get a drink bought for them. The last ones there face a forfeit.
I refused to come last.
Along the way, myself driving with TK, Ben and Dom alongside me, we cracked some jokes, throwed some rumours about what everyone had brought for their fancy dress costumes for Saturday night and I was in the best possible mood. Every now and then we checked on the locations of others and we quickly realised we were miles out in front. One team had forgotten something so had to turn round and go back half an hour in, (they inevitably came last), another team was stuck in traffic after going a different way (they finished 3rd) leaving us and Force India to battle it out for victory. We thought we were miles in front, even taking a brief stop on the hard shoulder of the M4 so Ben could piss in the bushes, (pulling into the services was not a risk I was willing to take). We didn't see Force India until the very last roundabout leading into the hotel when we pulled in behind them before the traffic lights. They would win. When the lights turned green, I fully expected them to turn left into the hotel, but they didn't. They'd missed the turning! We had won! It was the first of what was to be many memories!
After dossing around the hotel for a few hours, we made our way to our first game. It was a Twenty20 match in Newport. I won't spend too much time talking about the cricket, but we won by 7 wickets. I even bowled and got a wicket myself! On Friday, we had a glorious tour around the SWALEC stadium, where they hold some England test matches and is Glamorgan's home ground. Most anticipated this to be the low point of the whole tour, but it was actually really interesting learning about the history of the game in Cardiff and Glamorgan CCC. We even had a two-hour training session in their complex which was pretty cool. We each got a go against the high-tech bowling machine. Now. Me, rather unwisely, thought I'd use this time to work on my weaknesses. I told the boys to notch up the pace to 70mph and set the machine to bowling short. In other words. Very, very fast and at my face. Obviously I was wearing a helmet, but the very first ball I faced cracked me in the ribs. Not perturbed, but wincing a lot, I carried on. The 2nd ball clean bowled me. The third ball smashed me on my arm. The fourth ball glanced my helmet as I JUST got out of the way before I decided enough was enough. Back to a normal length and a normal pace, but by then I was so scared, I just kept getting out. It wasn't a wise move. And it was a move that won me the 'Dick of the Day' award. A forfeit was on the horizon...
Friday night however was when the real stories begin. Drinking in the hotel was funny enough, as we all naturally got drunk along with the youngsters of the group who wouldn't be able to come into the city centre with us. Michael, just 14, was the subject of a cruel experiment but he didn't let us corrupt his youth too much with excessive cider! By the time we went out, everyone was suitably lucid and the night ahead was one not to be forgotten.
We went to a couple of bars, joked around and danced, met Kev from American Pie and danced some more. It was hilarious. Things after though notched up a level. I won't say names, but one of the party invited us all to the local "exotic bar joint" as he so aptly put it. Most of the party said "no don't be stupid", and bearing in mind I really should have been at the front of that party, I was as surprised as everyone else to find myself saying, "Why not". It really wasn't long before I realised that this place, as if I didn't know before, wasn't really for me... I left and found the other guys carrying on the drinking some place else. The chaps I left behind spent literally hundreds. One of the guys I had found was then promptly kicked out of the new bar for trying to scoop beer from the taps himself into his own mouth. It was extraordinary! By 3.30am, there were 3 of us left, and even then, it was so much fun. We eventually got in at 4am and proceeded to wake everyone up. Such fun!
I'm not sure about everyone else, but I certainly woke up with a sore head. What was worse was that I had my forfeit to complete. After my antics against the bowling machine the day before, my forfeit was to wear my fancy dress costume a day early. For the whole day. Basically, I hadn't had any time to buy anything new for the fancy dress part so I went with an old idea. An idea that resides in this blog.
Yes. I had to be dressed, for the whole day, as The Stig.
 |
| Trust me when I say... You can't see an awful lot out of that visor... |
Turning up to our opponent's ground for our game on Saturday sure was interesting. Not only did I have to dress as The Stig, I had to act like him as well. A WHOLE DAY, of pure silence in a roasting hot white racing suit. There was a long walkway from the car park to the changing rooms, and I could hear the opposition laughter from a long way away. The reaction was exactly the same as that party from months ago. People loved it.
It turns out we were very early for the game, so I gave myself a chance to survive and took the visor off in the changing room. I was determined to not let any of the opposition see. I wasn't captain for the day, (captaining while silent is tough!) so when Monty came back in and announced we were batting, I was delighted. I was to open as The Stig, and when I walked out donned in pads, gloves and holding my GM, everyone was roaring with laughter. The opening bowler must have wondered what he was bowling at. I could barely see a thing as the first ball approached. I could just about see the outline of the ball leaving the bowlers hand, and managed to glance my first ball for a single, to rapturous cheers from both sets of teams. Even I was stumped as to how I had managed to hit that. It didn't quite go to plan for the 2nd ball though as I was clean bowled. Naturally, I stood there for a while, before walking off.
I wasn't going to survive the whole day wearing the visor as it was extremely warm, so decided to allow myself to take it off when I wasn't on the field to allow some breathing space. The rest of the day went along without any hiccups, despite fielding at slip wearing the visor, and we got thrashed. Not that it mattered.
Saturday night was even better than the Friday night. We all got very drunk again, but this time, we ALL went out in fancy dress. Of course, I was still stuck in my Stig costume, but others joined me in the fancy dress fun. There was a couple of monks, Danny Zuko from Grease, a Guantanamo Bay prisoner (he's the controversial one of the group!), a bottle of Jagermeister, a superhero of some description, and even 53-year old Charlie joined in the fun dressed as a Ghostbuster. It was just brilliant.
 |
| The touring party in all its fancy dress glory. (A couple of them were lazy in getting changed in time!) |
That night goes down as one of the most interesting and funny nights of my life. If you looked at the night on paper, you'd see a group of lads going to a club. No biggy. But but what happened inside that club was truly memorable. 53-year old Charlie, led a conga line around the club, consisting of a good 30 people to the Ghostbusters theme tune. He also downed a fair few shots in a night he will surely remember. Myself, dressed as His Stigness of course, got chatted up by more girls than the rest of the other guys combined and Dom simply melted in his Jagermeister costume. Bless him! It was just indescribably glorious though!
There's not a lot more to describe as our game on Sunday, rather thankfully for me as I was seriously struggling at this point, was rained off. We drove home, almost in as high a spirit as we came, running through the events of the past 4 days.
17th-20th April 2014. A trip I will always remember.
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Happy Little Pill
That's the title of a new song by actor, YouTuber and singer, Troye Sivan. I can relate to the lyrics quite well. Catchy song as well. I now have happy little pills of my own, (technically I've had them for nearly two months now), not that they're making any sort of difference.
I know what's going on. Its all me. I have been given every opportunity under the sun and I have everything. I have or have had a loving family, friends, hobbies, a proper education, experiences, freedom. I've been given everything and now I'm not and I don't know how to handle it. So much so that I'm just giving up. Things happen in this life where in the past, it would have made me upset. Now I just don't care. Why don't I care? I've gone past the stage of being upset and crying at everything to just... Complete blankness. I've never felt like this before. I've never reached this stage.
The only time I feel alive is when I'm drinking. I know I can't turn to that as a long term solution, as I am more intelligent than that, but every weekend, I go out and feel alive again. Just for those few hours every week. I shouldn't. It doesn't help me and the doctors say alcohol is off limits, but without it, I'd be a literal recluse. For the rest of the week, I'm locked away, quarantining myself in my bedroom or if I'm feeling adventurous, the kitchen. The animals we have are getting on my nerves more than they should do. The only reason I go to cricket on the weekends is that I don't want to alienate the only people who don't really know what's happening to me. Most of them anyway. Even then, I can't concentrate on the job in hand. My thoughts fly around before I realise a red ball is coming towards me and I have to do something with it. After a while of trying to bat normally and like I have done pretty successfully in the past, I just throw a bat at it. If I get out, so what? There are more important things my mind needs to be occupied with. But then when I sit there, out for single digits again, I can't think of anything. Round and round my head goes. How much longer can I extend this act for before team mates start realising that something is seriously wrong?
And then I get home, walk straight through my door and in a straight line to sleep. No shower. No dinner. I just need to stop thinking. Take me back to the world of my dreams where I can be anything I want to be and not this mess I am at the moment.
I want this to end.
I know what's going on. Its all me. I have been given every opportunity under the sun and I have everything. I have or have had a loving family, friends, hobbies, a proper education, experiences, freedom. I've been given everything and now I'm not and I don't know how to handle it. So much so that I'm just giving up. Things happen in this life where in the past, it would have made me upset. Now I just don't care. Why don't I care? I've gone past the stage of being upset and crying at everything to just... Complete blankness. I've never felt like this before. I've never reached this stage.
The only time I feel alive is when I'm drinking. I know I can't turn to that as a long term solution, as I am more intelligent than that, but every weekend, I go out and feel alive again. Just for those few hours every week. I shouldn't. It doesn't help me and the doctors say alcohol is off limits, but without it, I'd be a literal recluse. For the rest of the week, I'm locked away, quarantining myself in my bedroom or if I'm feeling adventurous, the kitchen. The animals we have are getting on my nerves more than they should do. The only reason I go to cricket on the weekends is that I don't want to alienate the only people who don't really know what's happening to me. Most of them anyway. Even then, I can't concentrate on the job in hand. My thoughts fly around before I realise a red ball is coming towards me and I have to do something with it. After a while of trying to bat normally and like I have done pretty successfully in the past, I just throw a bat at it. If I get out, so what? There are more important things my mind needs to be occupied with. But then when I sit there, out for single digits again, I can't think of anything. Round and round my head goes. How much longer can I extend this act for before team mates start realising that something is seriously wrong?
And then I get home, walk straight through my door and in a straight line to sleep. No shower. No dinner. I just need to stop thinking. Take me back to the world of my dreams where I can be anything I want to be and not this mess I am at the moment.
I want this to end.
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Head Above Water
I'm still here. And still struggling. So much so, I'm properly convinced now that this is my life. Things like this do not last for 6 weeks and more. They just don't. Does that mean this is just me from now on?
That question has crossed my mind countless times. Will this one ever end? I'm still not completely interested by anything. Cricket is more of a chore than an enjoyable hobby. I only carry on doing it so I don't disappoint more people than I already have. I'm becoming more and more of a recluse and I never went back to that job. They thought I was lying so began procedures to get rid of me. I'm fairly sure what they did was illegal, but I haven't got the energy, the inclination or the know-how to challenge them. I can't even describe how much my blood boiled upon reading their thoughts. Who on Earth lies about this sort of thing? Who?
So now I'm a few days away from being a literal charity case. My worst nightmares are coming true and this is reality. My dreams are becoming more and more real, maybe in desperation more than anything else. I can physically feel the black cloak drape itself over me as I open my eyes from long spells of sleep. I hate it so much that I attempt to close them again but my body wonders what I'm trying to do after being asleep for 18 hours already. It takes me a few seconds to realise what day it is. It takes me more than a few seconds to do anything useful. I am now a burden. And I hate it.
I feel so sorry for Mum. So, so sorry. She is trying unimaginably hard to get me up and going, but I just can't. By God, I want to. I just want to be me again. That confident young man of last July who was dancing around the Barley Mow, confidently strolling up to guys I'd never met and chatting to them. That confident young man who expressed himself on the cricket pitch and scored 153 at Sandy. That confident young man who got promoted at work. What happened to him? What happened to me? I feel scared to leave my own bedroom sometimes, for a reason I don't even know. Its the impending doom that may lay on the other side of that creaky door of mine. And the guilt... The never-ending guilt...
I don't know when this will end. Or whether it ever will end. Or whether I'll recover and experience my usual winter of discontent. I just don't know.
That question has crossed my mind countless times. Will this one ever end? I'm still not completely interested by anything. Cricket is more of a chore than an enjoyable hobby. I only carry on doing it so I don't disappoint more people than I already have. I'm becoming more and more of a recluse and I never went back to that job. They thought I was lying so began procedures to get rid of me. I'm fairly sure what they did was illegal, but I haven't got the energy, the inclination or the know-how to challenge them. I can't even describe how much my blood boiled upon reading their thoughts. Who on Earth lies about this sort of thing? Who?
So now I'm a few days away from being a literal charity case. My worst nightmares are coming true and this is reality. My dreams are becoming more and more real, maybe in desperation more than anything else. I can physically feel the black cloak drape itself over me as I open my eyes from long spells of sleep. I hate it so much that I attempt to close them again but my body wonders what I'm trying to do after being asleep for 18 hours already. It takes me a few seconds to realise what day it is. It takes me more than a few seconds to do anything useful. I am now a burden. And I hate it.
I feel so sorry for Mum. So, so sorry. She is trying unimaginably hard to get me up and going, but I just can't. By God, I want to. I just want to be me again. That confident young man of last July who was dancing around the Barley Mow, confidently strolling up to guys I'd never met and chatting to them. That confident young man who expressed himself on the cricket pitch and scored 153 at Sandy. That confident young man who got promoted at work. What happened to him? What happened to me? I feel scared to leave my own bedroom sometimes, for a reason I don't even know. Its the impending doom that may lay on the other side of that creaky door of mine. And the guilt... The never-ending guilt...
I don't know when this will end. Or whether it ever will end. Or whether I'll recover and experience my usual winter of discontent. I just don't know.
Saturday, 28 June 2014
Crash
And burn.
Following on immediately from my previous post, I made an unbeaten 51 the day after. I had told myself that another failure would result in my break from the game. We won by 10 wickets and I was due to buy my first jug of the season. All was well.
Since then... I don't know. I don't update this blog very often any more, for no actual reason, but as this blog used to be a place to turn to in times of hardship, the idea doesn't cross my mind anymore. I turn to more tangible resources such as my Mother for some sort of support, as difficult as that is for someone like me. And anti-depressants. Citalopram. And beta-blockers. Propranalol. The last couple of weeks have become the worst of my life, and now I shall tell you why.
Throughout the past six years, I've had what my mother has described as "episodes". I'd be coasting along quite happily, just doing this thing we call life, when suddenly, crash. I stop. Literally overnight, I go from a bubbly personality to a lifeless corpse. It's depression, and its completely debilitating. These pages are filled to its depths with tales and memories of these times, but the last couple of weeks its been ... Different. Its been prolonged and more real. I feel like a cat that has lost the 8th of its 9 lives. I feel like, with more responsibility in my life now, that my illness is making other's lives worse. I feel like a burden. Unable to go to work, I won't get enough money to pay the bills and that makes me more anxious. Problems make more problems that lead to more problems. The longer I leave going back to work, the more difficult it'll be, and the idea of doing so even now fills me with dread. And here we go again... Yet again...
I've spent my days literally asleep. For being asleep means I am not awake. I went back to the doctors and they gave me a form:
- Do you feel helpless? Yes.
- Do you feel like you have lost enjoyment in everything? Yes.
- Have you lost your appetite? Yes.
I answered yes to all the questions. The only one I didn't answer 'Yes' to was the one about suicide. I don't want to die, but I don't exactly want to live either. I have most certainly lost enjoyment in everything. Work feels more like a sentence than anything else. Its Friday evening, the most magical part of the week, and I have a full weekend of cricket ahead of me, but I'd rather stay in bed. I'm not entirely bothered if we win or lose, or if I score 0 or 100 tomorrow and Sunday. I'm not really all that bothered if I have any food in because I won't be hungry anyway. I haven't really eaten a lot in the past week.
One sentence that can sum my mood up entirely? Nothing really matters anymore.
Following on immediately from my previous post, I made an unbeaten 51 the day after. I had told myself that another failure would result in my break from the game. We won by 10 wickets and I was due to buy my first jug of the season. All was well.
Since then... I don't know. I don't update this blog very often any more, for no actual reason, but as this blog used to be a place to turn to in times of hardship, the idea doesn't cross my mind anymore. I turn to more tangible resources such as my Mother for some sort of support, as difficult as that is for someone like me. And anti-depressants. Citalopram. And beta-blockers. Propranalol. The last couple of weeks have become the worst of my life, and now I shall tell you why.
Throughout the past six years, I've had what my mother has described as "episodes". I'd be coasting along quite happily, just doing this thing we call life, when suddenly, crash. I stop. Literally overnight, I go from a bubbly personality to a lifeless corpse. It's depression, and its completely debilitating. These pages are filled to its depths with tales and memories of these times, but the last couple of weeks its been ... Different. Its been prolonged and more real. I feel like a cat that has lost the 8th of its 9 lives. I feel like, with more responsibility in my life now, that my illness is making other's lives worse. I feel like a burden. Unable to go to work, I won't get enough money to pay the bills and that makes me more anxious. Problems make more problems that lead to more problems. The longer I leave going back to work, the more difficult it'll be, and the idea of doing so even now fills me with dread. And here we go again... Yet again...
I've spent my days literally asleep. For being asleep means I am not awake. I went back to the doctors and they gave me a form:
- Do you feel helpless? Yes.
- Do you feel like you have lost enjoyment in everything? Yes.
- Have you lost your appetite? Yes.
I answered yes to all the questions. The only one I didn't answer 'Yes' to was the one about suicide. I don't want to die, but I don't exactly want to live either. I have most certainly lost enjoyment in everything. Work feels more like a sentence than anything else. Its Friday evening, the most magical part of the week, and I have a full weekend of cricket ahead of me, but I'd rather stay in bed. I'm not entirely bothered if we win or lose, or if I score 0 or 100 tomorrow and Sunday. I'm not really all that bothered if I have any food in because I won't be hungry anyway. I haven't really eaten a lot in the past week.
One sentence that can sum my mood up entirely? Nothing really matters anymore.
Saturday, 7 June 2014
Bad Form
I'm not going to lie, my life has been too busy to be updating this. In the week, my days are a good ten and a half hours, and by the time I've got home, made dinner, eaten said dinner, made my lunch for the next day and ironed my shirt, I am that tired that I retreat to my room and collapse like an unfit marathon runner. Life has been ... Well... Life. Weeks come and go before you can even think about saying 'Monday morning', the new job is going swimmingly, and life in the flat is as good as ever, although I note that I am slowly getting lazier and more untidy as the weeks fly past. I am also noticing a decline in my partying habits as hangovers last longer and money is now spent on dull things like council tax and washing powder rather than Jack Daniels. I believe it is called "growing up", which I've tried avoiding for as long as possible, but can no longer escape its longing claws.
All is going well then, except one thing. Cricket. The one thing I have enjoyed more than anything else since my first ever match as a 15-year old. As a team, we are doing great. Mid-table mediocrity on Saturdays, which is acceptable given I am trialing youth team players who are doing exceedingly well at the step above what they're used to. On Sundays, we are flying high. 150 points out of a maximum of 150 available means we are sitting on top of the tree with 5 wins out of 5. Players have been putting in magical individual performances which have helped us to that level. Monty scored 129 at Harrold. Abid has two five-wicket hauls and Boony secured figures of 7-19 last weekend. Me? I haven't even made it into double figures yet. My batting form has become that bad, that its quite literally laughable among my teammates and even my colleagues at work. And I despise it.
I can take a bit of banter about it here and there. Its to be accepted. But there are two issues with this now:
1) Its gone on for so long that any attempt at banter in my direction is slowly but surely integrating into my brain as fact. I'm not entirely sure my teammates know that any comments do now have a negative impact.
And 2) Some of them insist on taking the mickey two minutes before I go out to bat. Not content with throwing banter around the table with a pint in hand, some of them say things like "Try and make 10 today hey", as I'M WALKING OUT TO THE MIDDLE. I do not need to hear that just before I start batting.
And its got to a point now where I'm seriously considering a break from the game altogether. I can't say I'll quit forever, because I don't want to, but these last few weeks have been draining at best. I can't justify my place in the team at the moment and I don't think I should use the "I'm captain so I stay" card. I have another game tomorrow, (I made 6 today and then caught in the gully), and we shall see how that goes, but this sport at the moment is making me slightly disillusioned. I don't like it.
All is going well then, except one thing. Cricket. The one thing I have enjoyed more than anything else since my first ever match as a 15-year old. As a team, we are doing great. Mid-table mediocrity on Saturdays, which is acceptable given I am trialing youth team players who are doing exceedingly well at the step above what they're used to. On Sundays, we are flying high. 150 points out of a maximum of 150 available means we are sitting on top of the tree with 5 wins out of 5. Players have been putting in magical individual performances which have helped us to that level. Monty scored 129 at Harrold. Abid has two five-wicket hauls and Boony secured figures of 7-19 last weekend. Me? I haven't even made it into double figures yet. My batting form has become that bad, that its quite literally laughable among my teammates and even my colleagues at work. And I despise it.
I can take a bit of banter about it here and there. Its to be accepted. But there are two issues with this now:
1) Its gone on for so long that any attempt at banter in my direction is slowly but surely integrating into my brain as fact. I'm not entirely sure my teammates know that any comments do now have a negative impact.
And 2) Some of them insist on taking the mickey two minutes before I go out to bat. Not content with throwing banter around the table with a pint in hand, some of them say things like "Try and make 10 today hey", as I'M WALKING OUT TO THE MIDDLE. I do not need to hear that just before I start batting.
And its got to a point now where I'm seriously considering a break from the game altogether. I can't say I'll quit forever, because I don't want to, but these last few weeks have been draining at best. I can't justify my place in the team at the moment and I don't think I should use the "I'm captain so I stay" card. I have another game tomorrow, (I made 6 today and then caught in the gully), and we shall see how that goes, but this sport at the moment is making me slightly disillusioned. I don't like it.
Sunday, 11 May 2014
The Eurovision Song Contest 2014
After last years victory for Denmark's Emmelie De Forest, this years contest came from a dazzling and sparkly Copenhagen and, just as is usual, it was a show full of glitz, glamour and fun!
Just like last year, I watched both semi-finals and indeed Saturday night's Grand Final and what a spectacle it was! When I first heard the songs a few months back, I did wonder where the quality was, but a number of the songs grew on me, and it turned into one of the greatest and most wide-open contests since, in my opinion, 2008. Shall we go through the songs? Why not!
...
1) Ukraine - Mariya Yaremchuk - 'Tick Tock' - Final Position: 6th with 113 points
Its never a good thing to be first up on the Grand Final stage, but this song did well. I thought the song was fairly ordinary, but the presence of a man running around a hamster wheel seemed to appeal to the European crowd! Would it be slightly harsh to suggest that Ukraine received some of the compassion vote?
2) Belarus - Teo - 'Cheesecake' - Final Position: 16th with 43 points
This was a cheeky little number, and certainly a favourite of my flatmates because of its simple nature. I'm slightly surprised it didn't do a tad better, but no one has ever won the contest from 2nd on the running order. A tough ask for the gentlemen, but the song was performed well and they can be proud of their efforts.
3) Azerbaijan - Dilara Kazimova - 'Start a Fire' - 22nd with 33 points
I would talk about this song in a manner that suggests I'm an avid Eurovision fan, but honestly? I can't remember much about it. One of the more forgettable songs of this years competition, and the presence of a trapeze merely made it look they couldn't be bothered. What was the point of a trapeze? Not original whatsoever, and despite Dilara looking stunning, it was largely disappointing. Europe agreed.
4) Iceland - Pollaponk - 'No Prejudice' - 15th with 58 points
I really liked this. Cheery, a solid message and a vast array of colour, not least from their interesting choice of attire, it gained the approval from both of us watching. Maybe its appearance early in the running order did it no favours, but I'm surprised it didn't make it on to the left hand side of the scoreboard. Someone noted they looked like McFly in 20 years, but as a fan of McFly's music, I reckon that's a compliment! I put it through to the final pretty comfortably after Thursday's semi-final, but disappointed it didn't place higher tonight...
5) Norway - Carl Espen - 'Silent Storm' - 8th with 88 points
I wish it was silent. This years contribution to the wrist-slitting club came from Norway and Mr.Espen, and I have to say, it was hideous. Europe seems to like a slow, depressing number to break up the evening and calm the crowd down from its light-induced fervour of excitement, but I most certainly don't. It brought the first yawn of the night and I was pleased to see it disappear off our screen. Annoyed it came 8th above some much, much better offerings of music.
6) Romania - Paula Seling & Ovi - 'Miracle' - 11th with 72 points
People were raving about this on social media, and certainly a favourite of my good Eurovision friends in Northampton, but I didn't quite understand the euphoria behind it. (Notice the deliberate choice of Eurovision wording there? Good.)
Sure, it was a good song, but again, I struggle to find why it went down so well. 11th place was probably just about right for it, but no higher.
7) Armenia - Aram MP3 - 'Not Alone' - 4th with 174 points
Oh purrrr-lease. This was one of the pre-competition favourites and frankly I have no idea how. He shouted his way through his semi-final, and he seemed to carry that on in the final with a horrible performance of his so-called "song". He looked quite scary as well, and despite a brief moment where I thought the song would pick up and become "average" from "largely rubbish", it didn't. Add a '1' on the front of his eventual position, and that is where it truly belonged.
8) Montenegro - Sergej Cetkovic - 'Moj Svijet' - 19th with 37 points
A shame really, because I liked it. One of the minority of songs to be sung in their native language, it had a good melody to it and Sergej performed it admirably. I LOVED the ice-skating and the stage graphics as well, but, as is usually the case, Europe disagreed!
9) Poland - Donatan & Cleo - 'We Are Slavic' - 14th with 62 points
Ahem. Right. Okay. Hands up, who actually listened to the song? Bearing in mind the female contingent on stage aren't quite my type, I did. I'll let you know how it went. It was fairly entertaining. I didn't like it a lot in the semi-final, but it grew on me in the final. Not entirely surprised it didn't finish higher, but the vast majority of the male crowd, (or not - I don't know the ratio of sexuality!), had their eyes firmly in the direction of the soft porn show on stage. I can put it no other way.
10) Greece - Freaky Fortune ft. RiskyKidd - 'Rise Up' - 20th with 35 points
I just had to double and triple check there to make sure that's indeed where they did finish... It was 3rd on my list of favourite songs for tonight, and certainly ranks up there with one of the few injustices of this year! They so nearly mucked up their semi-final performance on Thursday, but didn't tonight and they were brilliant. It's a young, vibrant dance song, and so right up my street. Unsure of the need for the trampoline at the end, but hey... Its Eurovision! Why not...
11) Austria - Conchita Wurst - 'Rise Like a Phoenix' - 1ST WITH 290 POINTS
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What a song! What a person! I remember saying last year that Emmelie De Forest was a deserving winner, and she was, but Conchita is an absolute inspiration. All the pre-competition talk was based around her, and her beard, and many feared that Europe simply wasn't ready to vote for a non-gender conforming person to win. But Europe proved they are indeed becoming more and more accepting.
Her performance, and indeed the song, was stunning. I gave it douze points on Thursday in her semi-final and gave her the same tonight. Her voice was so powerful, her dress was beautiful and the whole performance was a delight to watch. A deserving winner for sure, and a huge victory for the LGBT community in particular.
12) Germany - Elaiza - 'Is It Right' - 18th with 39 points
It was always going to be difficult following an act like Conchita Wurst and so it showed as the German entry merely got lost in the backdrop of the beard. It was actually quite a good song. I quite liked it, but I was still raving about how amazing Conchita was to pay full attention to it. Germany hasn't done well recently, and they're poor form continued with a lowly position in Copenhagen.
13) Sweden - Sanna Nielsen - 'Undo' - 3rd with 218 points
When I first heard this song, I wasn't all that impressed. However, it has grown on me a lot and her grand final performance was the best of all the performances I've seen from her. Her vocals were superb, and with a physical likeness to Kim Cattrell, it was always going to do well in their neighbouring country.
14) France - Twin Twin - 'Moustache' - 26th with 2 points
Stone dead last. It's not difficult to see why as it seemed the French didn't really take this year's competition seriously, but I think last place is a bit harsh. It was a fun song but halfway through the list of songs, people want to see power and gusto and this sort of offering merely angered the crowd. At one stage, it seemed destined to finish on 'nil points', but a couple of single-point votes from poor countries who felt sorry for them was enough to get them on the board. Let's hope for a better French entry next year...
15) Russia - The Tolmachevy Sisters - 'Shine' - 7th with 89 points
Where do we start? It seemed unfair to boo a pair of 17-year old sisters, but Europe cannot be silenced. I did find it quite annoying that they were ironically singing about "showing the world some love" but for millions of people to be collectively booing them for the actions of the Russian establishment was, as Graham Norton put it, "extremely harsh". The song itself? It wasn't up to much. A seesaw and a random hair connection thing was all it had going for it, and along with the obvious unrest surrounding the whole thing, I'm surprised it finished 7th. I was happy to see the song finish.
16) Italy - Emma - 'La Mia Citta' - 21st with 33 points
By this stage, I was getting a little agitated at the ever-increasing run of disappointing songs. I found myself starting to get bored and this song didn't help. I can't even remember a lot about it to describe it to you, but it wasn't a surprising final position for one of the so-called "power 5". Arrivederci.
17) Slovenia - Tinkara Kovac - 'Round and Round' - 25th with 9 points
Its quite annoying how songs like this can finish below the likes of Norway. More Irish than Ireland, it was a solid Eurovision offering that Europe merely forgot about. It did make me quite dizzy, as the title suggests, but it was a good song and Tinkara once more looked wonderful in her dress. 9 points? I think it should have at least made it to the left-hand side of our screens.
18) Finland - Softengine - 'Something Better' - 11th with 72 points
He he he... I'm sorry, but I was infatuated with these guys. During the semi-final, I was intent on getting the number of the drummer. But, I must act professional, and provide you with a review of the song. The performance was great! The light show was awesome, the vibe was "sick" as the youth say, and all in all, it was a pretty good show from the country that bought us 'Hard Rock Hallelujah'.
Ok, honestly? I wasn't listening to the song.
19) Spain - Ruth Lorenzo - 'Dancing in the Rain' - 10th with 74 points
We were taken back to the X Factor on Saturday night with the presence of Miss. Lorenzo representing her native Espana! It was a great song, and of course, she has an even greater voice making for a very good song. Spain have been utter useless for the past few years, (El Chiki-Chiki anyone?) so to hear a good entry from them is refreshing. 10th is probably fair, but would like to have seen it go a couple of places higher...
20) Switzerland - Sebalter - 'Hunter of Stars' - 13th with 64 points
I really, really, really liked this song in the semi-finals. The whistling was infectious and the rest of the song was almost mesmeric but in the grand final, it just didn't happen for me. It just seemed a bit... conservative. And static. I genuinely think there were better performances on the night and I'm not entirely surprised it finished 13th.
21) Hungary - Andras Kally-Saunders - 'Running' - 5th with 143 points
The most "clubby" song of the evening for sure, it was a refreshing and original entry for Hungary, which probably explained why it finished as high as it did. At one stage, it looked nailed on to be at least in the running for outright victory but it fell out of contention as Austria streamed ahead. One of my friends noted that people may not have voted for him because he wasn't white - a fair observation - but as with La Conchita, Europe may just have jumped that hurdle. Fantastic!
22) Malta - Firelight - 'Coming Home' - 23rd with 32 points
A lot of people, in the UK especially, were raving about this song on social media, but I didn't see the appeal. And neither did Europe. It was another forgettable song, and towards the end of the running order as well, it needs something special to get into people's heads. This... Wasn't.
23) Denmark - Bruno... Sorry, I mean... Basim! - 'Cliché Love Song' - 9th with 74 points
Did someone say Bruno Mars? The likeness was unbelievable and frankly, the song might well have been copied from the Mars back catalogue. It was a good song, although not entirely foreboding and for me, it was just too similar to what we've been inundated with already in the music charts. Seemed to go down well with everyone, but I wasn't fooled. 9th was fair. No higher.
24) The Netherlands - The Common Linnets - 'Calm After the Storm' - 2nd with 238 points
I'm fairly sure I didn't speak to one person who loved this song as much as I did. I only downloaded three songs from iTunes afterwards. Austria. Greece. And this. Oh, it was just wonderful. Unique, both great voices and it was a perfect song to have at this time of the competition.
Its a simple observation, but I quite liked the setup of the microphones. It was like one microphone splitting into two, just increased the chemistry these two had on the stage, and if it wasn't for the simply unbelievable Conchita, these two would have won and should have won. It was billed as the "dark horse" of the competition by our host Graham Norton, and I'm pleased they lived up to that billing!
Just a side note, as the end of the voting grew nearer, this was still in big contention. If the 2015 edition was being hosted in Amsterdam, I definitely would have gone. Hey ho.
25) San Marino - Valentina Monetta - 'Maybe' - 24th with 14 points
I was very pleased for Valentina as she made it through to the grand final at her lucky 3rd attempt, but I'm sorry, the song was just plain boring. I didn't get it. And at second-to-last in the running order behind what was to be the act we were all waiting for, (Can you guess who's missing?!), it just went straight over my head. Hopefully we'll see her again though!
26) The United Kingdom - Molly Smitten-Downes - 'Children of the Universe' - 17th with 40 points
Its such a shame that this was drawn last on the billing because it is genuinely the best song that the UK have offered Eurovision in this century. It was a fantastic song, but we both felt that she could have given it a bit more welly. It seemed to be a largely conservative performance, as if Molly knew she wasn't going to win from last place. 17th was a harsh final position, but not altogether unsurprising.
All in all though it was a great, great show and I'm already looking forward to Austria 2015! Congratulations to Conchita Wurst. You could see how much it meant to her, and her rousing words at the end were a great message to the whole of Europe. Love beats hate. As it should!
Just like last year, I watched both semi-finals and indeed Saturday night's Grand Final and what a spectacle it was! When I first heard the songs a few months back, I did wonder where the quality was, but a number of the songs grew on me, and it turned into one of the greatest and most wide-open contests since, in my opinion, 2008. Shall we go through the songs? Why not!
...
1) Ukraine - Mariya Yaremchuk - 'Tick Tock' - Final Position: 6th with 113 points
Its never a good thing to be first up on the Grand Final stage, but this song did well. I thought the song was fairly ordinary, but the presence of a man running around a hamster wheel seemed to appeal to the European crowd! Would it be slightly harsh to suggest that Ukraine received some of the compassion vote?
2) Belarus - Teo - 'Cheesecake' - Final Position: 16th with 43 points
This was a cheeky little number, and certainly a favourite of my flatmates because of its simple nature. I'm slightly surprised it didn't do a tad better, but no one has ever won the contest from 2nd on the running order. A tough ask for the gentlemen, but the song was performed well and they can be proud of their efforts.
3) Azerbaijan - Dilara Kazimova - 'Start a Fire' - 22nd with 33 points
I would talk about this song in a manner that suggests I'm an avid Eurovision fan, but honestly? I can't remember much about it. One of the more forgettable songs of this years competition, and the presence of a trapeze merely made it look they couldn't be bothered. What was the point of a trapeze? Not original whatsoever, and despite Dilara looking stunning, it was largely disappointing. Europe agreed.
4) Iceland - Pollaponk - 'No Prejudice' - 15th with 58 points
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| Oh, the colour! |
5) Norway - Carl Espen - 'Silent Storm' - 8th with 88 points
I wish it was silent. This years contribution to the wrist-slitting club came from Norway and Mr.Espen, and I have to say, it was hideous. Europe seems to like a slow, depressing number to break up the evening and calm the crowd down from its light-induced fervour of excitement, but I most certainly don't. It brought the first yawn of the night and I was pleased to see it disappear off our screen. Annoyed it came 8th above some much, much better offerings of music.
6) Romania - Paula Seling & Ovi - 'Miracle' - 11th with 72 points
People were raving about this on social media, and certainly a favourite of my good Eurovision friends in Northampton, but I didn't quite understand the euphoria behind it. (Notice the deliberate choice of Eurovision wording there? Good.)
Sure, it was a good song, but again, I struggle to find why it went down so well. 11th place was probably just about right for it, but no higher.
7) Armenia - Aram MP3 - 'Not Alone' - 4th with 174 points
Oh purrrr-lease. This was one of the pre-competition favourites and frankly I have no idea how. He shouted his way through his semi-final, and he seemed to carry that on in the final with a horrible performance of his so-called "song". He looked quite scary as well, and despite a brief moment where I thought the song would pick up and become "average" from "largely rubbish", it didn't. Add a '1' on the front of his eventual position, and that is where it truly belonged.
8) Montenegro - Sergej Cetkovic - 'Moj Svijet' - 19th with 37 points
A shame really, because I liked it. One of the minority of songs to be sung in their native language, it had a good melody to it and Sergej performed it admirably. I LOVED the ice-skating and the stage graphics as well, but, as is usually the case, Europe disagreed!
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| Sergej Cetkovic proved to be overrated by the European audience! |
Ahem. Right. Okay. Hands up, who actually listened to the song? Bearing in mind the female contingent on stage aren't quite my type, I did. I'll let you know how it went. It was fairly entertaining. I didn't like it a lot in the semi-final, but it grew on me in the final. Not entirely surprised it didn't finish higher, but the vast majority of the male crowd, (or not - I don't know the ratio of sexuality!), had their eyes firmly in the direction of the soft porn show on stage. I can put it no other way.
10) Greece - Freaky Fortune ft. RiskyKidd - 'Rise Up' - 20th with 35 points
I just had to double and triple check there to make sure that's indeed where they did finish... It was 3rd on my list of favourite songs for tonight, and certainly ranks up there with one of the few injustices of this year! They so nearly mucked up their semi-final performance on Thursday, but didn't tonight and they were brilliant. It's a young, vibrant dance song, and so right up my street. Unsure of the need for the trampoline at the end, but hey... Its Eurovision! Why not...
11) Austria - Conchita Wurst - 'Rise Like a Phoenix' - 1ST WITH 290 POINTS
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What a song! What a person! I remember saying last year that Emmelie De Forest was a deserving winner, and she was, but Conchita is an absolute inspiration. All the pre-competition talk was based around her, and her beard, and many feared that Europe simply wasn't ready to vote for a non-gender conforming person to win. But Europe proved they are indeed becoming more and more accepting.
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| 'The Bearded Lady' blew the crowd away with a stunning performance. My favourite winner of all time! |
Her performance, and indeed the song, was stunning. I gave it douze points on Thursday in her semi-final and gave her the same tonight. Her voice was so powerful, her dress was beautiful and the whole performance was a delight to watch. A deserving winner for sure, and a huge victory for the LGBT community in particular.
12) Germany - Elaiza - 'Is It Right' - 18th with 39 points
It was always going to be difficult following an act like Conchita Wurst and so it showed as the German entry merely got lost in the backdrop of the beard. It was actually quite a good song. I quite liked it, but I was still raving about how amazing Conchita was to pay full attention to it. Germany hasn't done well recently, and they're poor form continued with a lowly position in Copenhagen.
13) Sweden - Sanna Nielsen - 'Undo' - 3rd with 218 points
When I first heard this song, I wasn't all that impressed. However, it has grown on me a lot and her grand final performance was the best of all the performances I've seen from her. Her vocals were superb, and with a physical likeness to Kim Cattrell, it was always going to do well in their neighbouring country.
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| 'Undo My Sad' was a big hit in the European mainland! |
Stone dead last. It's not difficult to see why as it seemed the French didn't really take this year's competition seriously, but I think last place is a bit harsh. It was a fun song but halfway through the list of songs, people want to see power and gusto and this sort of offering merely angered the crowd. At one stage, it seemed destined to finish on 'nil points', but a couple of single-point votes from poor countries who felt sorry for them was enough to get them on the board. Let's hope for a better French entry next year...
15) Russia - The Tolmachevy Sisters - 'Shine' - 7th with 89 points
Where do we start? It seemed unfair to boo a pair of 17-year old sisters, but Europe cannot be silenced. I did find it quite annoying that they were ironically singing about "showing the world some love" but for millions of people to be collectively booing them for the actions of the Russian establishment was, as Graham Norton put it, "extremely harsh". The song itself? It wasn't up to much. A seesaw and a random hair connection thing was all it had going for it, and along with the obvious unrest surrounding the whole thing, I'm surprised it finished 7th. I was happy to see the song finish.
16) Italy - Emma - 'La Mia Citta' - 21st with 33 points
By this stage, I was getting a little agitated at the ever-increasing run of disappointing songs. I found myself starting to get bored and this song didn't help. I can't even remember a lot about it to describe it to you, but it wasn't a surprising final position for one of the so-called "power 5". Arrivederci.
17) Slovenia - Tinkara Kovac - 'Round and Round' - 25th with 9 points
Its quite annoying how songs like this can finish below the likes of Norway. More Irish than Ireland, it was a solid Eurovision offering that Europe merely forgot about. It did make me quite dizzy, as the title suggests, but it was a good song and Tinkara once more looked wonderful in her dress. 9 points? I think it should have at least made it to the left-hand side of our screens.
18) Finland - Softengine - 'Something Better' - 11th with 72 points
He he he... I'm sorry, but I was infatuated with these guys. During the semi-final, I was intent on getting the number of the drummer. But, I must act professional, and provide you with a review of the song. The performance was great! The light show was awesome, the vibe was "sick" as the youth say, and all in all, it was a pretty good show from the country that bought us 'Hard Rock Hallelujah'.
Ok, honestly? I wasn't listening to the song.
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| The drummer was even better... |
We were taken back to the X Factor on Saturday night with the presence of Miss. Lorenzo representing her native Espana! It was a great song, and of course, she has an even greater voice making for a very good song. Spain have been utter useless for the past few years, (El Chiki-Chiki anyone?) so to hear a good entry from them is refreshing. 10th is probably fair, but would like to have seen it go a couple of places higher...
20) Switzerland - Sebalter - 'Hunter of Stars' - 13th with 64 points
I really, really, really liked this song in the semi-finals. The whistling was infectious and the rest of the song was almost mesmeric but in the grand final, it just didn't happen for me. It just seemed a bit... conservative. And static. I genuinely think there were better performances on the night and I'm not entirely surprised it finished 13th.
21) Hungary - Andras Kally-Saunders - 'Running' - 5th with 143 points
The most "clubby" song of the evening for sure, it was a refreshing and original entry for Hungary, which probably explained why it finished as high as it did. At one stage, it looked nailed on to be at least in the running for outright victory but it fell out of contention as Austria streamed ahead. One of my friends noted that people may not have voted for him because he wasn't white - a fair observation - but as with La Conchita, Europe may just have jumped that hurdle. Fantastic!
22) Malta - Firelight - 'Coming Home' - 23rd with 32 points
A lot of people, in the UK especially, were raving about this song on social media, but I didn't see the appeal. And neither did Europe. It was another forgettable song, and towards the end of the running order as well, it needs something special to get into people's heads. This... Wasn't.
23) Denmark - Bruno... Sorry, I mean... Basim! - 'Cliché Love Song' - 9th with 74 points
Did someone say Bruno Mars? The likeness was unbelievable and frankly, the song might well have been copied from the Mars back catalogue. It was a good song, although not entirely foreboding and for me, it was just too similar to what we've been inundated with already in the music charts. Seemed to go down well with everyone, but I wasn't fooled. 9th was fair. No higher.
24) The Netherlands - The Common Linnets - 'Calm After the Storm' - 2nd with 238 points
I'm fairly sure I didn't speak to one person who loved this song as much as I did. I only downloaded three songs from iTunes afterwards. Austria. Greece. And this. Oh, it was just wonderful. Unique, both great voices and it was a perfect song to have at this time of the competition.
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| Just beautiful... |
Just a side note, as the end of the voting grew nearer, this was still in big contention. If the 2015 edition was being hosted in Amsterdam, I definitely would have gone. Hey ho.
25) San Marino - Valentina Monetta - 'Maybe' - 24th with 14 points
I was very pleased for Valentina as she made it through to the grand final at her lucky 3rd attempt, but I'm sorry, the song was just plain boring. I didn't get it. And at second-to-last in the running order behind what was to be the act we were all waiting for, (Can you guess who's missing?!), it just went straight over my head. Hopefully we'll see her again though!
26) The United Kingdom - Molly Smitten-Downes - 'Children of the Universe' - 17th with 40 points
Its such a shame that this was drawn last on the billing because it is genuinely the best song that the UK have offered Eurovision in this century. It was a fantastic song, but we both felt that she could have given it a bit more welly. It seemed to be a largely conservative performance, as if Molly knew she wasn't going to win from last place. 17th was a harsh final position, but not altogether unsurprising.
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| Better luck next year? |
All in all though it was a great, great show and I'm already looking forward to Austria 2015! Congratulations to Conchita Wurst. You could see how much it meant to her, and her rousing words at the end were a great message to the whole of Europe. Love beats hate. As it should!
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