"You'll know when you get to the stage that you just don't want to go clubbing anymore. Trust me."
That was a line I heard from one of my cricket teammates during our cricket tour of Wales a couple of years back. At the time, I was addicted to the drunken lifestyle and never wanted it to end. The line above is one that I refused to believe.
Until now.
Today is my 25th birthday. Even typing that makes me feel a bit odd. The last few years, on my 22nd, 23rd and 24th birthdays, I have obviously gotten a year older but still had the mind set of an 18-year old. Hell, on my 23rd birthday, I ended up in fucking Brighton. I never really felt like a proper adult, but today has been so, so different.
I'm only a day older than I was yesterday of course, but today is the day I became an adult. I've just got home from the pub, before midnight, not wanting to get stupidly drunk and sleeping with a random like past birthdays, but wanting to be fresh enough for the cricket match tomorrow. Scared of the impending hangover and the empty bank account. I have enjoyed this evening, but that increasing strength of thought that pulsates through my mind is now impossible to ignore.
"The 5am finishes are long gone."
There will be times where I will feel like going out on a big night, rolling in at stupid o'clock with a kebab, but those times are considerably less frequent. My mind is more focused on family life and my career now, instead of pining after a JD and coke on a Friday night. I guess it's called "growing up".
Last weekend, post Eurovision, was one of those big nights. The day after was absolutely horrendous. I staved off the sickness until I got home, but I had barely recovered in time for Monday morning and the 8am walk to work. Something has to give. And frankly, I'm happy it has.
I have a promotion interview on Monday, which is a complete win-win situation bearing in mind it's for a job that's two bands higher than I'm at currently. I will be on cloud nine if I get it. Now, I'm heading to bed, happy I've made the right choice and *fingers crossed* a clear head for the weekend.
Friday, 20 May 2016
Monday, 16 May 2016
Eurovision 2016 - The Review!
It's Monday afternoon; the Monday after one of the best Eurovision weekends in living memory. On Saturday night, the Grand Final of the Eurovision Song Contest was broadcast from the Globe Arena in Stockholm and what a night it was! The new voting system left us with the promised dramatic ending and of course, we got to see more of Mans than we bargained for...
In fear of bumbling on for too long, here's my take on all 26 songs that took part on Saturday, resulting in quite a controversial winner...
...
1) BELGIUM - Laura Tesoro - What's the Pressure? - 10th Place with 181 points
As openers go, this is one of the best I can remember. 19-year old Laura, following surprise package Loic from last year, opening up the 61st Eurovision Song Contest?
What's the Pressure?
It's a pumped up, pop number and really got the crowd going for the show. As we know however, opening up rarely translates into a high placing, but a 10th place finish is a good effort and Laura will definitely be pleased. I have to admit, this song is one of only a few that I've been humming along to since Saturday night!
2) CZECH REPUBLIC - Gabriela Guncikova - I Stand - 25th Place with 41 points
No one has ever won the Eurovision Song Contest from 2nd place on the bill and this record was not to be broken on Saturday night. The Czech Republic, in their first ever Eurovision Grand Final, presented us with a fine song, beautifully sang by Gabriela, but maybe the lack of punch needed to inspire at this stage of the night.
It provided a different song to what we're used to on Eurovision night, with a mere red glow emanating from the beautiful dress as Gabriela stood and belted out her ballad. Nice, but not enough to impress the voters.
3) THE NETHERLANDS - Douwe Bob - Slow Down - 11th Place with 153 points
In many ways, a similar kinda vibe to the song preceding it, but maybe a bit more about it from Douwe Bob, who's name is not the wrong way round, I promise.
Maybe the slightly odd 10-second pause mid song while Douwe winked and mouthed 'I Love You' at the camera made it stick in the minds of the voters? I don't know, but it was a nice enough song with a fair mid table finish.
Graham Norton just seemed obsessed with the neck tattoo instead of the song, and he also gave the game away with the mid-song silence. Naughty Graham.
4) AZERBAIJAN - Samra - Miracle - 17th Place with 117 points
Already one drink down, (at least) by this stage I was starting to get bored with the continuity of the same sounding songs. Again, it's not a bad song but this early on in the night, easily forgettable.
Remember, the running order is not drawn at random, but chosen specifically to give the best show. Conspiracies abound of course that favourites are put in favourable positions, but this offering from Samra was deliberately put early so people forgot about it.
I did.
5) HUNGARY - Freddie - Pioneer - 19th Place with 108 points
The first gay-friendly act of the night, (although there were a few pining after Douwe!) for this act from Hungary, and Freddie.
I have to admit, I didn't listen to the song that much pre-contest and find it quite boring.
I'm deliberately starting new paragraphs to fill up the gaps, but I can't find any other words to describe this song. Again, forgettable; a 19th place finish more than lucky and Hungary should move on to 2017 with a more adventurous outlook, instead of picking the best looking guy that applies.
6) ITALY - Francesca Michielin - No Degree of Separation - 16th Place with 124 points
One of my early favourites for sure, with a nice mix of English and Italian lyrics and a decent message but I'm afraid Francesca was overcome with nerves on the big stage.
It felt awkward and uncomfortable watching it and the audience in the arena and at home felt it too. It's a shame, because it's another good offering from Italy after the success of Il Volo last year, but a case of the yips bestowed themselves upon poor Francesca.
I don't think it was ever going to be a candidate to win, but the first of a few under par performances of the night.
7) ISRAEL - Hovi Star - Made of Stars - 14th Place with 135 points
There was a lot of pre-contest delight at Hovi and his ballad; probably the best ballad in the competition, with a 14th place slightly unlucky for Hovi in the end.
For the first time since the opener, I liked a song but I thought the rotating wheel thing behind him was slightly unnecessary and distracting. I would have much preferred if Hovi took the Gabriela approach and merely stood and delivered.
The finish was fantastic as well while it was popular on all social media. The LGBT community love this man, and I can certainly see why.
8) BULGARIA - Poli Genova - If Love Was a Crime - 4th Place with 307 points
While Belgium and Loic Nottet was the song that grew on me as Eurovision season progressed in 2015, this year it most certainly was Bulgaria.
A slow start maybe, but when the chorus kicked in, boy, was it a crackerjack! Probably the most catchy and memorable chorus in the whole competition, a top-5 finish was more than deserved for Poli. There were five 10-points awarded from the juries, but no douze points which may have affected their final position, but Bulgaria should be mightily pleased with their efforts in Stockholm.
9) SWEDEN - Frans - 'If I Were Sorry' - 5th Place with 261 points
Eurgh.
The powerhouses of Eurovision, and indeed this year's hosts, sent possibly the most bitter song of the past decade by 17-year old Frans.
It's basically a song about how he isn't sorry about anything from a past relationship and that made me cringe through every word. Certainly helped by the fact they were the only Nordic act in the Grand Final and the mere fact they are Sweden.
Frans is a nice enough guy, if a bit stroppy teen, but this shouldn't have finished as high as it did.
10) GERMANY - Jamie-Lee - Ghost - 26th Place with 10 points
The new voting system makes it harder to achieve the dreaded 'nil points' that Jemini famously achieved in 2003, as well as The Makemakes from last year, but this offering from Germany certainly tried their best to emulate.
The most striking thing I noticed was the choice of attire, but not being a fashionista myself, I won't comment too much on that. But the song was actually quite dull and uninspiring.
A generous placing in the running order did little to help, (Conspiracy Theorists: "I think they purposefully put this after Sweden to help Frans").
11) FRANCE - Amir - J'ai Cherche - 6th Place with 257 points
Early favourite, and a heart throb from Paris, Amir's efforts were possibly hurt by early struggles during rehearsals, but certainly a decent top 6 finish was deserved with this upbeat number.
Amir certainly looked as if he was enjoying it and it is one of those songs that I will likely continue to listen to despite us being post-Eurovision now.
I also remember him as being a really nice gentleman at the London Eurovision Party in April, so I'm pleased this did as well as it did.
12) POLAND - Michel Szpak - Color Of Your Life - 8th Place with 229 points
The new voting system really played a big part in the result of this song, with Michel getting just 7 points from the juries before a mammoth 222 points from the public propelled it up to 8th place! It was pretty good to watch to be fair.
It took me a long, long time to get into this song, but by the time Saturday night came around, I was a fan and pleased that Michel got a top-10 finish. He has a striking resemblance with parody artist Weird Al Yankovich, but there was nothing weird about the song as it was sung very well and had another good message that matched the theme of 'Come Together'.
13) AUSTRALIA - Dami Im - Sound of Silence - 2nd Place with 511 points
Far from being a one-off for the 60th anniversary, the faraway land of Australia was invited back for the 61st edition, and what an act it sent!
X Factor Australia 2013 winner, Dami Im gave us a stunning vocal performance in a song that was nailed on to win, until the new voting system took hold and presented us with something else... This was my big favourite.
In both the semis and the final, Dami blew the audience away and it's a big shame this didn't win, although I'm sure the purists are delighted...
14) CYPRUS - Minus One - Alter Ego - 21st Place with 96 points
There's always one song per year that I love and the rest of the world hates, and this year that came from Cyprus and their rock number, 'Alter Ego'.
Their semi-final effort was disappointing and I didn't think it would get through, but I'm very pleased it did and I'm also very pleased they upped their game in the finals. I'm not altogether surprised it didn't do well, but again, this is a song I will continue to listen to.
A side note, I still listen to Terasbetoni from 2008.
15) SERBIA - Sanja Vucic - Goodbye - 18th Place with 115 points
I have to admit, I have no recollection of hearing this song on Saturday night. Whether that's because the whisky had kicked in, or it was a forgettable song, I don't know, but it was never going to get higher than the 18th place it finished in.
It certainly wasn't the upbeat, disco number of 2015 or indeed the striking, heartfelt winner of 2007. More in between.
Halfway houses don't win the Eurovision Song Contest I'm afraid.
16) LITHUANIA - Donny Montell - I've Been Waiting For This Night - 9th with 200 points
I'm not being funny, but I wasn't listening to the song because I was busy putting my eyes back in. Donny is beyond gorgeous.
But, being the serious reviewer that I am, I re-watched Donny's efforts, (restarted it, because I got distracted) and decided that it was a very good entry, despite some dodgy dancing in the middle of it.
The big mid-song jump from the smoke was just what it needed and it was a fair placing of 9th place for Donny.
Have I mentioned, he's gorgeous?
17) CROATIA - Nina Kraljic - Lighthouse - 23rd place with 73 points
Yet another forgettable entry, and it's final placing reflects that. At this stage of the proceedings, the home at crowd, (Sorry, I mean the crowd at home) have had a bottle of wine and begin to search for a winner and this solemn number was never going to be it.
Again, I had to re-watch the entry and my sober thoughts remain the same.
The staging was quite nice and Nina's dress equally so, but that's not enough to win Eurovision these days. We were never going to be going to Zagreb in 2017.
18) RUSSIA - Sergey Lazarev - You Are The Only One - 3rd Place with 491 points
Love them or hate them, Russia continue to enter their very best to this Contest and this year was no different. Russian superstar Sergey Lazarev provided a quite brilliant routine to a catchy song.
Naturally, the opening was compared to last year's victor, which never goes down well (Remember Cascada's rip off of Loreen in 2013?) but the climbing of walls and the light show along with a brilliant vocal propelled Russia's rating through the roof.
A 4th placed finish was fair, but Europe may still be perturbed by the controversy oozing from Russia while casting their votes.
19) SPAIN - Barei - Say Yay! - 22nd place with 77 points
Anywhere else in the running order, and this song from Spain would have been much, much higher.
As it is, they got lost in the shadow of Russia and Europe almost forgot about it. A high-tempo, loveable, happy song about saying "YAY!" is so very Eurovision, but unfortunately not Eurovision enough to get anywhere near the left hand side of the new scoreboard.
Barei mentioned before the contest that she would have liked the opportunity to compete in the semi-finals... I do think the "big 5" will need to start qualifying soon regardless of financial contribution...
20) LATVIA - Justs - Heartbeat - 15th place with 132 points
You certainly can't say that Justs didn't give it his all and I'm a little bit surprised this finished as low as it did.
Slow start, building up... Building up... And Justs EXPLODES! He's probably still angry at me mistaking him for semi-finalist Juri Pootsman from Estonia at the London Eurovision Party...
One of my friends noted that she would do "unspeakable things" to Justs, which I can see, but he might just shout at you for doing it.
6/10 for the song. 10/10 for looks.
21) UKRAINE - Jamala - 1944 - 1ST PLACE WITH 534 POINTS!
Controversy Klaxon!
Some would say this song was political, (songs of which are banned), while some would say it was too depressing to win Eurovision, but Europe clearly liked it, (as did the UK who gave it 10 points).
Personally, I didn't like it. I don't begrudge Ukraine victory, but I'm not a big fan of downbeat songs about sad events. I understand why people do, but it just wasn't for me.
In fear of bumbling on for too long, here's my take on all 26 songs that took part on Saturday, resulting in quite a controversial winner...
...
1) BELGIUM - Laura Tesoro - What's the Pressure? - 10th Place with 181 points
What's the Pressure?
It's a pumped up, pop number and really got the crowd going for the show. As we know however, opening up rarely translates into a high placing, but a 10th place finish is a good effort and Laura will definitely be pleased. I have to admit, this song is one of only a few that I've been humming along to since Saturday night!
2) CZECH REPUBLIC - Gabriela Guncikova - I Stand - 25th Place with 41 points
It provided a different song to what we're used to on Eurovision night, with a mere red glow emanating from the beautiful dress as Gabriela stood and belted out her ballad. Nice, but not enough to impress the voters.
3) THE NETHERLANDS - Douwe Bob - Slow Down - 11th Place with 153 points
Maybe the slightly odd 10-second pause mid song while Douwe winked and mouthed 'I Love You' at the camera made it stick in the minds of the voters? I don't know, but it was a nice enough song with a fair mid table finish.
Graham Norton just seemed obsessed with the neck tattoo instead of the song, and he also gave the game away with the mid-song silence. Naughty Graham.
4) AZERBAIJAN - Samra - Miracle - 17th Place with 117 points
Remember, the running order is not drawn at random, but chosen specifically to give the best show. Conspiracies abound of course that favourites are put in favourable positions, but this offering from Samra was deliberately put early so people forgot about it.
I did.
5) HUNGARY - Freddie - Pioneer - 19th Place with 108 points
I have to admit, I didn't listen to the song that much pre-contest and find it quite boring.
I'm deliberately starting new paragraphs to fill up the gaps, but I can't find any other words to describe this song. Again, forgettable; a 19th place finish more than lucky and Hungary should move on to 2017 with a more adventurous outlook, instead of picking the best looking guy that applies.
6) ITALY - Francesca Michielin - No Degree of Separation - 16th Place with 124 points
One of my early favourites for sure, with a nice mix of English and Italian lyrics and a decent message but I'm afraid Francesca was overcome with nerves on the big stage.
It felt awkward and uncomfortable watching it and the audience in the arena and at home felt it too. It's a shame, because it's another good offering from Italy after the success of Il Volo last year, but a case of the yips bestowed themselves upon poor Francesca.
I don't think it was ever going to be a candidate to win, but the first of a few under par performances of the night.
7) ISRAEL - Hovi Star - Made of Stars - 14th Place with 135 points
For the first time since the opener, I liked a song but I thought the rotating wheel thing behind him was slightly unnecessary and distracting. I would have much preferred if Hovi took the Gabriela approach and merely stood and delivered.
The finish was fantastic as well while it was popular on all social media. The LGBT community love this man, and I can certainly see why.
8) BULGARIA - Poli Genova - If Love Was a Crime - 4th Place with 307 points
While Belgium and Loic Nottet was the song that grew on me as Eurovision season progressed in 2015, this year it most certainly was Bulgaria.
A slow start maybe, but when the chorus kicked in, boy, was it a crackerjack! Probably the most catchy and memorable chorus in the whole competition, a top-5 finish was more than deserved for Poli. There were five 10-points awarded from the juries, but no douze points which may have affected their final position, but Bulgaria should be mightily pleased with their efforts in Stockholm.
9) SWEDEN - Frans - 'If I Were Sorry' - 5th Place with 261 points
The powerhouses of Eurovision, and indeed this year's hosts, sent possibly the most bitter song of the past decade by 17-year old Frans.
It's basically a song about how he isn't sorry about anything from a past relationship and that made me cringe through every word. Certainly helped by the fact they were the only Nordic act in the Grand Final and the mere fact they are Sweden.
Frans is a nice enough guy, if a bit stroppy teen, but this shouldn't have finished as high as it did.
10) GERMANY - Jamie-Lee - Ghost - 26th Place with 10 points
The most striking thing I noticed was the choice of attire, but not being a fashionista myself, I won't comment too much on that. But the song was actually quite dull and uninspiring.
A generous placing in the running order did little to help, (Conspiracy Theorists: "I think they purposefully put this after Sweden to help Frans").
11) FRANCE - Amir - J'ai Cherche - 6th Place with 257 points
Early favourite, and a heart throb from Paris, Amir's efforts were possibly hurt by early struggles during rehearsals, but certainly a decent top 6 finish was deserved with this upbeat number.
Amir certainly looked as if he was enjoying it and it is one of those songs that I will likely continue to listen to despite us being post-Eurovision now.
I also remember him as being a really nice gentleman at the London Eurovision Party in April, so I'm pleased this did as well as it did.
12) POLAND - Michel Szpak - Color Of Your Life - 8th Place with 229 points
It took me a long, long time to get into this song, but by the time Saturday night came around, I was a fan and pleased that Michel got a top-10 finish. He has a striking resemblance with parody artist Weird Al Yankovich, but there was nothing weird about the song as it was sung very well and had another good message that matched the theme of 'Come Together'.
13) AUSTRALIA - Dami Im - Sound of Silence - 2nd Place with 511 points
Far from being a one-off for the 60th anniversary, the faraway land of Australia was invited back for the 61st edition, and what an act it sent!
X Factor Australia 2013 winner, Dami Im gave us a stunning vocal performance in a song that was nailed on to win, until the new voting system took hold and presented us with something else... This was my big favourite.
In both the semis and the final, Dami blew the audience away and it's a big shame this didn't win, although I'm sure the purists are delighted...
14) CYPRUS - Minus One - Alter Ego - 21st Place with 96 points
Their semi-final effort was disappointing and I didn't think it would get through, but I'm very pleased it did and I'm also very pleased they upped their game in the finals. I'm not altogether surprised it didn't do well, but again, this is a song I will continue to listen to.
A side note, I still listen to Terasbetoni from 2008.
15) SERBIA - Sanja Vucic - Goodbye - 18th Place with 115 points
I have to admit, I have no recollection of hearing this song on Saturday night. Whether that's because the whisky had kicked in, or it was a forgettable song, I don't know, but it was never going to get higher than the 18th place it finished in.
It certainly wasn't the upbeat, disco number of 2015 or indeed the striking, heartfelt winner of 2007. More in between.
Halfway houses don't win the Eurovision Song Contest I'm afraid.
16) LITHUANIA - Donny Montell - I've Been Waiting For This Night - 9th with 200 points
But, being the serious reviewer that I am, I re-watched Donny's efforts, (restarted it, because I got distracted) and decided that it was a very good entry, despite some dodgy dancing in the middle of it.
The big mid-song jump from the smoke was just what it needed and it was a fair placing of 9th place for Donny.
Have I mentioned, he's gorgeous?
17) CROATIA - Nina Kraljic - Lighthouse - 23rd place with 73 points
Again, I had to re-watch the entry and my sober thoughts remain the same.
The staging was quite nice and Nina's dress equally so, but that's not enough to win Eurovision these days. We were never going to be going to Zagreb in 2017.
18) RUSSIA - Sergey Lazarev - You Are The Only One - 3rd Place with 491 points
Naturally, the opening was compared to last year's victor, which never goes down well (Remember Cascada's rip off of Loreen in 2013?) but the climbing of walls and the light show along with a brilliant vocal propelled Russia's rating through the roof.
A 4th placed finish was fair, but Europe may still be perturbed by the controversy oozing from Russia while casting their votes.
19) SPAIN - Barei - Say Yay! - 22nd place with 77 points
As it is, they got lost in the shadow of Russia and Europe almost forgot about it. A high-tempo, loveable, happy song about saying "YAY!" is so very Eurovision, but unfortunately not Eurovision enough to get anywhere near the left hand side of the new scoreboard.
Barei mentioned before the contest that she would have liked the opportunity to compete in the semi-finals... I do think the "big 5" will need to start qualifying soon regardless of financial contribution...
20) LATVIA - Justs - Heartbeat - 15th place with 132 points
Slow start, building up... Building up... And Justs EXPLODES! He's probably still angry at me mistaking him for semi-finalist Juri Pootsman from Estonia at the London Eurovision Party...
One of my friends noted that she would do "unspeakable things" to Justs, which I can see, but he might just shout at you for doing it.
6/10 for the song. 10/10 for looks.
21) UKRAINE - Jamala - 1944 - 1ST PLACE WITH 534 POINTS!
Some would say this song was political, (songs of which are banned), while some would say it was too depressing to win Eurovision, but Europe clearly liked it, (as did the UK who gave it 10 points).
Personally, I didn't like it. I don't begrudge Ukraine victory, but I'm not a big fan of downbeat songs about sad events. I understand why people do, but it just wasn't for me.
Some have suggested, *cough* Russia Today *cough*, Europe voted for this to spite the Russians. I don't think that was the case.
Kiev 2017 anyone?
22) MALTA - Ira Losco - Walk on Water - 12th place with 153 points
Following the eventual winner can never be easy, and although we didn't know it at the time, Ira Losco, who represented Malta in 2002 of course, didn't give us much to distract us from the enormity of what we'd just witnessed from Jamala.
12th was fair, but not groundbreakingly brilliant. Plus, despite Mr Norton's warnings, the man who danced very closely to Ira was a bit creepy and put me off the whole performance.
23) GEORGIA - Nika Kocharov & Young Lolitaz - Midnight Gold - 20th with 104 points
Now then...
This from Georgia was an interesting entry..
Richard Osman almost looked embarrassed as he announced that the United Kingdom had given Georgia douze points, and the rest of our country laughed in utter derision. The commentators joined in but...
On Saturday night, and indeed all week, I have lambasted this song. I wrote it off as a bit of a joke. Even at the opening ceremony, the band just did not look bothered. I've listened to it... A lot... I'm sorry guys... But I like it!
Please don't hate me.
24) AUSTRIA - Zoe - Loin D'ici - 13th with 151 points
Another favourite of mine pre-contest, I know for a fact that Zoe just loves the whole Eurovision experience. She couldn't quite believe she was there all week.
This song was sung in French, which is odd for an Austrian entry, but it kinda worked. At least it did until Saturday night, when nerves seemed to get the better of her. It's a big shame because she's such a likeable character, it was such a pretty song for such a pretty girl. But unfortunately the majority of the audience listen on Saturday night and unfortunately she didn't deliver in the big time.
25) UNITED KINGDOM - Joe & Jake - 24th with 62 points
I genuinely think this from our boys was our best entry in a good decade, but Europe simply doesn't like us. Our inability to attract any major names like Russia, or the absence of a Swedish-style Melodifestivalen makes us unpopular.
We don't take this competition "seriously enough" and that doesn't translate to votes. Suggestions that no one voted for us because of the impending EU referendum are pretty ridiculous though. Second last on the running order didn't help and maybe a lack of clever staging, but it shouldn't have finished 24th. We hope for better next year!
26) ARMENIA - Iveta Mukuchyan - Love Wave - 7th with 249 points
Last up at Eurovision hasn't been as much of a curse in recent times, with Italy's Il Volo scoring a 3rd place finish from last on the order in 2015. It seems Armenia follows, with a solid 7th place finish with a good, slightly quirky song. At least the opening was anyway.
It builds up well, with a quiet start and then kicks off into a battling performance. Could have been higher if Europe wasn't too busy checking their scorecards.
Although it finished 7th however, the song didn't take over me... Sorry, crap joke.
...
And that, is that. The end of another Eurovision season and what a season it was. Mans and Petra hosted a stunning Eurovision week, with good interval acts and the coup of Justin Timberlake. There has been a lot of noise about the eventual winners, but it just goes to show how strongly Europe appreciates a strong song.
Who's off to Kiev?
Kiev 2017 anyone?
22) MALTA - Ira Losco - Walk on Water - 12th place with 153 points
Following the eventual winner can never be easy, and although we didn't know it at the time, Ira Losco, who represented Malta in 2002 of course, didn't give us much to distract us from the enormity of what we'd just witnessed from Jamala.
12th was fair, but not groundbreakingly brilliant. Plus, despite Mr Norton's warnings, the man who danced very closely to Ira was a bit creepy and put me off the whole performance.
23) GEORGIA - Nika Kocharov & Young Lolitaz - Midnight Gold - 20th with 104 points
Now then...
This from Georgia was an interesting entry..
Richard Osman almost looked embarrassed as he announced that the United Kingdom had given Georgia douze points, and the rest of our country laughed in utter derision. The commentators joined in but...
On Saturday night, and indeed all week, I have lambasted this song. I wrote it off as a bit of a joke. Even at the opening ceremony, the band just did not look bothered. I've listened to it... A lot... I'm sorry guys... But I like it!
Please don't hate me.
24) AUSTRIA - Zoe - Loin D'ici - 13th with 151 points
This song was sung in French, which is odd for an Austrian entry, but it kinda worked. At least it did until Saturday night, when nerves seemed to get the better of her. It's a big shame because she's such a likeable character, it was such a pretty song for such a pretty girl. But unfortunately the majority of the audience listen on Saturday night and unfortunately she didn't deliver in the big time.
25) UNITED KINGDOM - Joe & Jake - 24th with 62 points
We don't take this competition "seriously enough" and that doesn't translate to votes. Suggestions that no one voted for us because of the impending EU referendum are pretty ridiculous though. Second last on the running order didn't help and maybe a lack of clever staging, but it shouldn't have finished 24th. We hope for better next year!
26) ARMENIA - Iveta Mukuchyan - Love Wave - 7th with 249 points
It builds up well, with a quiet start and then kicks off into a battling performance. Could have been higher if Europe wasn't too busy checking their scorecards.
Although it finished 7th however, the song didn't take over me... Sorry, crap joke.
...
And that, is that. The end of another Eurovision season and what a season it was. Mans and Petra hosted a stunning Eurovision week, with good interval acts and the coup of Justin Timberlake. There has been a lot of noise about the eventual winners, but it just goes to show how strongly Europe appreciates a strong song.
Who's off to Kiev?
Wednesday, 11 May 2016
Eurovision 2016 : The Preview
It's that time of year again... Outrageous costumes, stunning staging and unpredictability second only to the craziness of the Grand National... Ladies and Gentlemen... It's Eurovision time!
After the success of Sweden's Mans Zelmerlow in 2015, (one of the presenters this year), the contest comes live from the Globe Arena in Stockholm and in the midst of Eurovision week, I am here to try and make sense of one of the most famous music competitions in history.
I write this on Wednesday, one night after the first semi-final and one night before the second with the quality of music high on each. After watching the first instalment yesterday evening, a couple of contenders showed their class, but there were of course a couple of shock exits.
One of those shock exits was Greta Salome of Iceland, who was widely tipped to get through and received a positive reaction from those following the action on social media. I liked the song and the performance but her exit is one that I can't explain. Just like Ryan Dolan's last-place finish in 2013, this joins the ever-growing list of Eurovision tragedies. I also feel a bit sorry for San Marino, the smallest country in Europe, who actually provided a good song, but didn't get through.
Of the ten successes however, the one that stood out the most was Sergey Lazarev of Russia. For those of you not accustomed to the unique world of Eurovision, Russia sending Sergey is like the UK sending Adele. He is one of the country's biggest stars, and his performance certainly tried to match his status as he completed a complicated performance. Impressive it was, but my instant reaction was that he'd copied last year's winner. The obvious likeness is the worst piece of copying since Cascada went all Loreen on us in 2013. It's a fantastic song, but I feel the complete lack of originality in the performance will ultimately cost him.
(Of course, I may be completely wrong. Who knows!)
Of the other qualifiers, I was impressed by Austria's Zoe, who can't do much worse than last year's Austrian 'nil points'. Zoe has an air about her that suggests she still can't quite believe she's there; an infectious personality and a delight to watch. The song is jumpy and catchy and may be the dark horse heading to Saturday's Grand Final. Also, my personal favourite, Cyprus' Minus One, with their rocky tune. I don't think they performed it as well as they could, so hopefully they can step it up a gear come Saturday night.
Eurovision stalwart Ira Losco of Malta also made it through along with Samra from Azerbaijan, Bob Douwe of the Netherlands, Armenia, Croatia, the simply delectable Freddie from Hungary and a first final appearance for the Czech Republic thanks to Gabriela Guncikova!
Tomorrow is the second semi-final, in my opinion the weaker of the two. It includes Eurovision big shots of days gone by, Ireland, represented by Nicky Byrne of Westlife fame. The line up is kicked off by Justs of Latvia; a man I met backstage at the London Eurovision Party and mistook for Estonia's Juri Pootsman. An embarrassing mistake I'm not likely to make again as Juri fell at the first hurdle last night. The second semi-final also includes Ukraine, which has shot up the odds table in recent weeks, (for some odd reason) as well as Laura Tesoro representing Belgium, which I like. There's also a second appearance for Australia, although they are not granted a straight passage to the final unlike last year. Dami Im represents the Australians, and are likely to get through tomorrow.
10 more qualifiers will join the 10 who won through on Tuesday along with France, Spain, Italy, Germany, UK and last year's winners Sweden in the grand final on Saturday.
Representing the UK this year are young guns Joe and Jake, which some of you with very good memories may remember from talent show, 'The Voice'. Their song, 'You're Not Alone' got through a rare public vote back in January and it's a song that has increased in popularity in Europe in the past weeks. With a favourable second half draw to boot, one feels this may be our best chance in a decade of victory. However, barring any inspired, game-changing staging, I feel the song doesn't have enough about it to pull off a shock win. The two lads are really soaking up the experience though and are so cheery and down-to-Earth. Jake even donned a pair of sparkly hot pants backstage in London. A pair of guys, having the time of their life and a laugh along the way. What could be better?
Early favourite Amir is representing France with a good song called 'J'ai Cherche' but his popularity has wained since rehearsals have started, with die hard Eurovisionistas reporting poor rehearsals. None of the other "big 5" have a genuine contender, although I do quite like 'Say Yay!' by Barei of Spain.
One country is missing from this preview and that is the powerhouse of Sweden. After their eight-week extravaganza to select a song for this year's contest in their home country, the result was a small young man called Frans, with a bitter song called 'If I Were Sorry'. I met Frans in London and he was pleasant enough, even if he came across a bit like a spoilt teenager. I can't see this song being massively popular, but Sweden being Sweden, it is likely to do well. Given that the running order is also selected (not drawn out of a hat), it is going to be in a good position, (I.e. not first or last).
So with three days to go until the big, glitzy final, the excitement grows. I'm not going to predict a winner, because I'll more than likely be wrong, but Russia will certainly be up there along with Sweden. If Ukraine get through tomorrow, they'll be round abouts and hopefully Amir can improve on his practice runs.
After the success of Sweden's Mans Zelmerlow in 2015, (one of the presenters this year), the contest comes live from the Globe Arena in Stockholm and in the midst of Eurovision week, I am here to try and make sense of one of the most famous music competitions in history.
I write this on Wednesday, one night after the first semi-final and one night before the second with the quality of music high on each. After watching the first instalment yesterday evening, a couple of contenders showed their class, but there were of course a couple of shock exits.
 |
| Greta Salome misses out on Saturday's grand final. |
Of the ten successes however, the one that stood out the most was Sergey Lazarev of Russia. For those of you not accustomed to the unique world of Eurovision, Russia sending Sergey is like the UK sending Adele. He is one of the country's biggest stars, and his performance certainly tried to match his status as he completed a complicated performance. Impressive it was, but my instant reaction was that he'd copied last year's winner. The obvious likeness is the worst piece of copying since Cascada went all Loreen on us in 2013. It's a fantastic song, but I feel the complete lack of originality in the performance will ultimately cost him.
(Of course, I may be completely wrong. Who knows!)
Of the other qualifiers, I was impressed by Austria's Zoe, who can't do much worse than last year's Austrian 'nil points'. Zoe has an air about her that suggests she still can't quite believe she's there; an infectious personality and a delight to watch. The song is jumpy and catchy and may be the dark horse heading to Saturday's Grand Final. Also, my personal favourite, Cyprus' Minus One, with their rocky tune. I don't think they performed it as well as they could, so hopefully they can step it up a gear come Saturday night.
 |
| I've been whistling to 'Loin d'Ici' all day long... I really think Austria's Zoe could secure a second victory in three years... |
Eurovision stalwart Ira Losco of Malta also made it through along with Samra from Azerbaijan, Bob Douwe of the Netherlands, Armenia, Croatia, the simply delectable Freddie from Hungary and a first final appearance for the Czech Republic thanks to Gabriela Guncikova!
Tomorrow is the second semi-final, in my opinion the weaker of the two. It includes Eurovision big shots of days gone by, Ireland, represented by Nicky Byrne of Westlife fame. The line up is kicked off by Justs of Latvia; a man I met backstage at the London Eurovision Party and mistook for Estonia's Juri Pootsman. An embarrassing mistake I'm not likely to make again as Juri fell at the first hurdle last night. The second semi-final also includes Ukraine, which has shot up the odds table in recent weeks, (for some odd reason) as well as Laura Tesoro representing Belgium, which I like. There's also a second appearance for Australia, although they are not granted a straight passage to the final unlike last year. Dami Im represents the Australians, and are likely to get through tomorrow.
10 more qualifiers will join the 10 who won through on Tuesday along with France, Spain, Italy, Germany, UK and last year's winners Sweden in the grand final on Saturday.
 |
| Joe and Jake have been drawn in the second half of the show on Saturday. |
Representing the UK this year are young guns Joe and Jake, which some of you with very good memories may remember from talent show, 'The Voice'. Their song, 'You're Not Alone' got through a rare public vote back in January and it's a song that has increased in popularity in Europe in the past weeks. With a favourable second half draw to boot, one feels this may be our best chance in a decade of victory. However, barring any inspired, game-changing staging, I feel the song doesn't have enough about it to pull off a shock win. The two lads are really soaking up the experience though and are so cheery and down-to-Earth. Jake even donned a pair of sparkly hot pants backstage in London. A pair of guys, having the time of their life and a laugh along the way. What could be better?
Early favourite Amir is representing France with a good song called 'J'ai Cherche' but his popularity has wained since rehearsals have started, with die hard Eurovisionistas reporting poor rehearsals. None of the other "big 5" have a genuine contender, although I do quite like 'Say Yay!' by Barei of Spain.
One country is missing from this preview and that is the powerhouse of Sweden. After their eight-week extravaganza to select a song for this year's contest in their home country, the result was a small young man called Frans, with a bitter song called 'If I Were Sorry'. I met Frans in London and he was pleasant enough, even if he came across a bit like a spoilt teenager. I can't see this song being massively popular, but Sweden being Sweden, it is likely to do well. Given that the running order is also selected (not drawn out of a hat), it is going to be in a good position, (I.e. not first or last).
So with three days to go until the big, glitzy final, the excitement grows. I'm not going to predict a winner, because I'll more than likely be wrong, but Russia will certainly be up there along with Sweden. If Ukraine get through tomorrow, they'll be round abouts and hopefully Amir can improve on his practice runs.
I of course will be supporting Joe and Jake! Come on the UK!
Monday, 18 April 2016
The Other Side of the Depression Coin
For sake of clarity, I wrote this in October 2015. On the very same night it happened... She made a full recovery.
...
Ring ring. It's 8:30am and Dad is calling me. No big deal it may seem, but my Dad never calls me at 8:30am. Especially when he knows I'll be asleep. I'm on the late shift, 12 until 8. No need to wake up before 11.
"Hello?" I answer, tentatively. The man on the other end of the phone isn't the man I know. The strong-willed man that I adore. He is a quivering wreck, tears audible around the noise of sirens.
"I don't want to panic you", he stifles. (I'm already panicking. My Dad doesn't cry.) "It's your Mum. She's had a fall". The last time I heard the phrase, "she's had a fall", my Grandmother had tripped over a loose slipper. My Mother is 51 years old and her tripping over a slipper wouldn't make my Dad cry. Before I can say anything, I've learnt she's jumped off a cliff, 100 feet above the sea.
Numb. It's the only word that can fit the bill of what I felt. What I still feel. I've cried few tears today when I feel like I should have cried floods. As I speak, she's still alive, 8 hours of surgery and counting. We have no idea how she is. It's supposed to be me being the one in the family with major issues, not Mum. My Mum is a constant. The flashes of thoughts I've had today have showed me this could change. Yet, five minutes later we're talking about pizza, the rugby and the village of Elstow. Mindless small talk to distract us from this pure hell that we're experiencing.
...
We're back at their Torquay home now. None the wiser of how she really is apart from the (very important) fact that she's alive. Five minutes away from the hospital this afternoon, 'Something Inside So Strong" by Labi Siffre came on the radio. I'm not usually one for omens, but I'm prepared to believe on today of all days.
The day after, we get to visit her. Barely recognisable, drifting in and out of sleep. The words she mutters make little sense as I wonder what is going on inside her head. She was supposed to die but she didn't. It's a blessing, but one wonders whether Mum wanted it this way. My Dad and my sister talk as if they are blind to the most obvious of truths. "Broken limbs heal" my sister claims, for that is true, but what of broken minds? What of the state that brought us here? Not a whisper. No recognition of the fight against the brain that is coming, just broken bones and crutches. How much more has to happen for them both to realise what is happening? A small part of me, rather cruelly, wants Mum to stay in hospital, where she can't do anything. She feels like I once did. I can see it in her eyes. The emptiness and the despair, choking on her words because she fears they won't make sense. But they would to me.
They would to me.
I'm not scared of the immediate future. My family are right, broken limbs can fix themselves, but what happens when Mum can walk by herself again? Will we sit here, playing dumb, believing that history won't repeat itself? Can Dad see past his own belief that no one could possibly suffer from depression in this world, as we have it good. Nothing is unbeatable without a bit of good old-fashioned stubbornness and the "get on with it" attitude. I don't think he can. And that scares me. For my Dad feels guilty about leaving her alone, by driving her to this spot where she jumped off. For the few weeks preceding, she had spoken of taking her own life. How could he not see? How could he not put two and two together? After all that I went through, how can he still not believe that things like this don't just happen to other people?
I don't want to blame him. He'd never do anything to deliberately hurt anyone, for this is just a lack of education and awareness. His hugely optimistic mind cannot tolerate any thought of negativity, or that anyone else can ever have a negative thought. Admirable in many respects yes, but it blinds him to some obvious truths that I still don't think he has grasped. My sister is of a later generation, thus brings with it a clearer understanding and level of education about mental illness, but she was blessed with Dad's optimistic ways.
"It will never get worse than this", she claims. My Dad nods in agreement. I sit there in silence, looking deep into Mum's empty eyes and think this is merely the beginning. My job here is to awaken them to the mind of the depressive. Get them thinking in a way they've never thought before. I have to take myself back to my own dark days to convey the feeling of sheer horror that Mum is going through right now, because if I don't, events will go back to square one. Without intervention or professional help, my Mum will deteriorate again. Feeling guilty from what she's put her family through, like I once (and still do) feel guilty about what I did, it will eat away at her and there will be days where she will be too vulnerable, with just my sun-is-always-shining Father for company.
The risks are too high to just do nothing. Without my intervention, I believe that this will happen. I have to stand up and be brave and be strong, all on my own for no one else in this family knows what my Mum is really going through. No one in this family can look past the broken bones and the sling.
Merely a week ago, I was simply thinking that 2015 would be the first year where no drama had taken place. Nothing major or life-impacting. How wrong I was.
The Cafe de Paris - Eurovision Style!
Last year, I bought a VIP ticket to the London Eurovision Party; a preview show for the contest itself that was held in Vienna in 2015. Sitting up in the balconies of the Café de Paris, with my good friends Chris and Pam, we enjoyed a brilliant show and then, somehow, managed to get backstage thanks to the wonderful hostess, Nicki French. Meeting 2014 winner Conchita and being served drinks by eventual winner of 2015, Mans Zelmerlow was as good as it gets.
This year, again buying a VIP ticket, I didn't expect history to repeat itself. I am now going to say a phrase that I tend to say a lot in this blog.
"How wrong I was."
We'll begin at the start of the night, as we were directed to our seats front and centre on the balcony. We realised we were slap bang in line with the stage, but also the large chandelier which blocked our view slightly. We had to wait an hour for the show to start, as we mingled with the distinguished guests, including Paul Jordan who used to give expertise analysis on the semi-final shows on the BBC, but now works for Eurovision. It allowed us to get suitably tipsy before the festivities began.
Act after act, mostly from this year's class of Eurovision but also some old faces returned to give us a three-hour spectacular. First up was Nicky Byrne of Westlife fame, representing Ireland this year with his song 'Sunlight' and then 18 more faces from the Class of 2016, intertwined with witty hosting skills from Paddy O'Connell and the mighty Nicki French. The show was truly superb and very enjoyable. My favourites from this year are 'Minus One' from Cyprus, 'Amir' from France who got a very good reception and, after seeing her performance last night, Zoe from Austria.
Halfway through the show, chatting along with the other guests in our booths and dancing along to the acts, a young man sat down next to me. I merely said, "Hey!" cheerfully, receiving the same in response, but after doing a double take, I realised it was the Swedish entry, Frans.
Sweden LOVE Eurovision. They have an eight-week contest to choose the entry, called Melodifestivalen and the guy who just nonchalantly sat down next to me was the guy who won it. His song, 'If I Were Sorry' has received a mixed reception, but I personally like it and he and his family were really nice people. This was the first surprise* of the evening, with many more to come.
*Name Drop
He didn't stay for an awful long time, as he was due on stage but he came straight back up afterwards and was mobbed by die-hard Eurovision fans who wanted photos. (Yes, that does include me!)
The show continued, as the audience grew louder and louder as the more popular acts performed. Amir from France got the loudest reaction of the night, with his song being one of the favourites.
The show finished with a rendition of 'You're Not Alone' by the UK act, Joe & Jake, who had got through their own (much smaller) selection show a few months ago. They were joined on stage by a drunk Scott Mills, and they received great cheers to cap what was a marvellous event.
Afterwards, the party continued with a Eurovision disco as we immediately joined everyone else down on the dance floor. It was at this point last year where Nicki had summoned us backstage and the crazy memories ensued. I had told myself that it was a one-off; that we wouldn't get invited back there again, so I got on with dancing and more drinking and put that thought to the back of my mind.
That was until a gentleman called Jody arrived, carrying an ice bucket to take backstage. Chris is good friends with Jody and after not much persuasion, we were following him back to the same room I was amazed to be in 12 months earlier. Some of the acts had left, as the time was ticking on, but the first people I noticed as I walked in through the doors were Joe & Jake, drinking a couple of beers and looking generally laid back. There was also Justs (the Latvian entry), and all of Minus One from Cyprus. After a brief stay, Chris & Pam followed Nicki back out to the dance floor, but there was no way I was leaving.
I have to admit, I am a complete sucker for celebrity hunting. I just love the feeling of brief importance it gives you for that small period of time, and being able to say you met the people who millions will be supporting in May. After a chat with an Icelandic delegate at the bar, I found myself standing next to Joe & Jake and simply started chatting with them. It was as if they were my mates; so laid back and down to Earth and after they got their (free) drinks from the bar they invited me over to their corner.
Once again, I was in that zone. I felt extremely honoured to be there, and it was a great experience. There was another chap called Matthew, who had found himself backstage after an exchange with Greta from Iceland who was more star struck than I was.
Jake (nearest the camera) told me all about his experiences on The Voice and Joe, all about his own journey on the show. They are both so passionate about doing well in Stockholm and they are desperate to do well for the country.
As they both drifted off at about 01:30, I stuck around to chat to a few more of the VIP's backstage, helped myself to a couple more free drinks and called it a night, with the same smile from ear to ear I had walked out with a year ago. I never thought I would get to experience the high life again, but it goes to show the generosity of the inner sanctums of the Eurovision circle. Everyone just wants to make everyone else happy.
So once more, I come home with special memories and a VIP badge to show for it. Thank you to Chris & Pam for sharing the memories for me as well as Jody & Nicki for their generosity in opening up a whole new world. Two years of Eurovision parties, with two years of stunning memories.
Bring on Stockholm!
This year, again buying a VIP ticket, I didn't expect history to repeat itself. I am now going to say a phrase that I tend to say a lot in this blog.
"How wrong I was."
We'll begin at the start of the night, as we were directed to our seats front and centre on the balcony. We realised we were slap bang in line with the stage, but also the large chandelier which blocked our view slightly. We had to wait an hour for the show to start, as we mingled with the distinguished guests, including Paul Jordan who used to give expertise analysis on the semi-final shows on the BBC, but now works for Eurovision. It allowed us to get suitably tipsy before the festivities began.
Act after act, mostly from this year's class of Eurovision but also some old faces returned to give us a three-hour spectacular. First up was Nicky Byrne of Westlife fame, representing Ireland this year with his song 'Sunlight' and then 18 more faces from the Class of 2016, intertwined with witty hosting skills from Paddy O'Connell and the mighty Nicki French. The show was truly superb and very enjoyable. My favourites from this year are 'Minus One' from Cyprus, 'Amir' from France who got a very good reception and, after seeing her performance last night, Zoe from Austria.
Halfway through the show, chatting along with the other guests in our booths and dancing along to the acts, a young man sat down next to me. I merely said, "Hey!" cheerfully, receiving the same in response, but after doing a double take, I realised it was the Swedish entry, Frans.
Sweden LOVE Eurovision. They have an eight-week contest to choose the entry, called Melodifestivalen and the guy who just nonchalantly sat down next to me was the guy who won it. His song, 'If I Were Sorry' has received a mixed reception, but I personally like it and he and his family were really nice people. This was the first surprise* of the evening, with many more to come.
*Name Drop
 |
| Frans & I, catching him after his performance at the Café de Paris. |
The show continued, as the audience grew louder and louder as the more popular acts performed. Amir from France got the loudest reaction of the night, with his song being one of the favourites.
The show finished with a rendition of 'You're Not Alone' by the UK act, Joe & Jake, who had got through their own (much smaller) selection show a few months ago. They were joined on stage by a drunk Scott Mills, and they received great cheers to cap what was a marvellous event.
Afterwards, the party continued with a Eurovision disco as we immediately joined everyone else down on the dance floor. It was at this point last year where Nicki had summoned us backstage and the crazy memories ensued. I had told myself that it was a one-off; that we wouldn't get invited back there again, so I got on with dancing and more drinking and put that thought to the back of my mind.
That was until a gentleman called Jody arrived, carrying an ice bucket to take backstage. Chris is good friends with Jody and after not much persuasion, we were following him back to the same room I was amazed to be in 12 months earlier. Some of the acts had left, as the time was ticking on, but the first people I noticed as I walked in through the doors were Joe & Jake, drinking a couple of beers and looking generally laid back. There was also Justs (the Latvian entry), and all of Minus One from Cyprus. After a brief stay, Chris & Pam followed Nicki back out to the dance floor, but there was no way I was leaving.
 |
| Selfie time with Joe & Jake (both in black) |
Once again, I was in that zone. I felt extremely honoured to be there, and it was a great experience. There was another chap called Matthew, who had found himself backstage after an exchange with Greta from Iceland who was more star struck than I was.
As they both drifted off at about 01:30, I stuck around to chat to a few more of the VIP's backstage, helped myself to a couple more free drinks and called it a night, with the same smile from ear to ear I had walked out with a year ago. I never thought I would get to experience the high life again, but it goes to show the generosity of the inner sanctums of the Eurovision circle. Everyone just wants to make everyone else happy.
So once more, I come home with special memories and a VIP badge to show for it. Thank you to Chris & Pam for sharing the memories for me as well as Jody & Nicki for their generosity in opening up a whole new world. Two years of Eurovision parties, with two years of stunning memories.
Bring on Stockholm!
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
Relapse
Looking back on the past month, I should have seen this coming.
I was still naïve to think that I would never come back to these days. The sleepless nights, the tears with the only road possible being towards treatment. I thought I'd be able to get through a few tough days here and there, and then carry on towards the road to perfection.
How wrong I was.
Many of my friends were alarmed at some tweets I sent in the midst of the mayhem that was last night, and reading back on them I can see why. My own mind was a complete minefield. One wrong step at this point, and I'd have been in serious trouble. Ringing 111 was the option I chose, at about 2am and many tears and garbled words later, I had been promised a GP appointment via what they said was a "call report".
Today, I dragged myself over to my surgery, a 10 minute walk that felt like a marathon. Completely exhausted from all of this, I was scared I was going back to square one. It hasn't quite reached that stage yet but the next week is pivotal. I have to make the right choices otherwise all of my progress will have been for nothing. The result of sitting in with a locum GP was an increase in meds and a referral to CBT, which I value more these days than the first time I had it as a teenager.
I have also been signed off work for the week, which I'm nervous about. There's no way I can face the ward at this time, but the longer I stay away, the harder it will be to go back. Come Monday morning, I'm going to have to fight through walls.
This locum GP questioned whether working on an acute psychiatric ward was a trigger. I am fairly confident in saying that it isn't.
I type this at 22:00, a time where I'd be wholly involved in my lucid dreaming, but I'm scared of going to bed. Lying in darkness with nothing but my thoughts fills me with dread and I sense another rough night coming. I can feel the tension in my chest and the anxiety flooding me just thinking about it. Sleepless nights will only make going back to work the next morning harder.
But through all of this recent hardship, a monumental truth has reared it's ugly head. A realisation that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. However well I manage it, or deal with the situations that depression can bring, I'm always going to be fighting against the elements. In the back of my mind, however positive I may feel, for however long it may be, I will know I am one wrong move away from recurrence. Do you know how that feels?
I resent it more than I can put into words.
I was still naïve to think that I would never come back to these days. The sleepless nights, the tears with the only road possible being towards treatment. I thought I'd be able to get through a few tough days here and there, and then carry on towards the road to perfection.
How wrong I was.
Many of my friends were alarmed at some tweets I sent in the midst of the mayhem that was last night, and reading back on them I can see why. My own mind was a complete minefield. One wrong step at this point, and I'd have been in serious trouble. Ringing 111 was the option I chose, at about 2am and many tears and garbled words later, I had been promised a GP appointment via what they said was a "call report".
Today, I dragged myself over to my surgery, a 10 minute walk that felt like a marathon. Completely exhausted from all of this, I was scared I was going back to square one. It hasn't quite reached that stage yet but the next week is pivotal. I have to make the right choices otherwise all of my progress will have been for nothing. The result of sitting in with a locum GP was an increase in meds and a referral to CBT, which I value more these days than the first time I had it as a teenager.
I have also been signed off work for the week, which I'm nervous about. There's no way I can face the ward at this time, but the longer I stay away, the harder it will be to go back. Come Monday morning, I'm going to have to fight through walls.
This locum GP questioned whether working on an acute psychiatric ward was a trigger. I am fairly confident in saying that it isn't.
I type this at 22:00, a time where I'd be wholly involved in my lucid dreaming, but I'm scared of going to bed. Lying in darkness with nothing but my thoughts fills me with dread and I sense another rough night coming. I can feel the tension in my chest and the anxiety flooding me just thinking about it. Sleepless nights will only make going back to work the next morning harder.
But through all of this recent hardship, a monumental truth has reared it's ugly head. A realisation that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. However well I manage it, or deal with the situations that depression can bring, I'm always going to be fighting against the elements. In the back of my mind, however positive I may feel, for however long it may be, I will know I am one wrong move away from recurrence. Do you know how that feels?
I resent it more than I can put into words.
Saturday, 2 April 2016
Do Not Get Your Hopes Up
I met a guy tonight. I've heard many stories about guys meeting girls in clubs and the relationship blossoming and they end as one. My mind tells me to be apprehensive. It's two drunk guys meeting in a club and it's going nowhere. But this guy seems genuine.
It's obvious he has a kind heart and he laughed at my drunken "straight" friends and he was just so cool. But we were drunk. We talk about going out for a date and so on but my mind automatically defaults to 'drunken mishap'.
I have zero confidence in myself.
And I can't fight past that. In my mind, I don't get why anyone would want to date me. My confidence is so completely shot that I feel like I'd be a complete burden to anyone I got close too.
Do you know how painful that is?
I'm now at a stage where I'm waiting to hear whether I'm more than just a one night fling. Even if I am, I have to go through the awkwardness of dates and signs and rigmarole. I'm not sure my mind can deal with the pressures of it all. I know I have to if I want to find love but I am TERRIFIED.
I'm terrified.
Why does it have to be so difficult?
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