On Reflection

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking recently. Would I have changed what I have done over the past few years? Would I have tried harder? Do I regret not putting in more effort? Yes ... and no.

School was always tough for me. I'd like to thing I was naturally bright, but when you get to the upper levels of schooling, that simply isn't enough. You need to work hard and carry on working hard to gain your aspirations. Out of 10 for effort, I may have scraped a 2. I never, and still don't know where I'm going and this, ultimately, makes me a little sad. Just thinking ahead to what the rest of my life holds. It's OK now because I have no bills to pay and no food to buy, but I can't live at home forever, and to be honest, this time next year, I don't want to be. I'd much rather live in my own space, have my own space and use it how I want to use it. Where I am now I feel very much restricted to my small and cramped bedroom, as the older sister clearly nicked the bigger one at birth. It gets very warm in here and sometimes the window fails to open, making me light headed and tired. Makes me think a bit more...

Because I never knew where I wanted to be, I never really saw the point in trying my maximum. What's the point of gaining all of it when you don't know what you want to use it for? That was my attitude then, but of course, I was completely wrong. Qualifications are everything and without them, you're life ain't gonna be good. Not as if I have no qualifications at all, but only the basics and now I'm passed the stage if going to university with my own age group, I feel I don't have the dedication, desire or balls to get back into education and work at it. I like having money, but, like I said, soon all of that is going to be given to energy companies like NPower and food companies like Sainsburys.

Despite this, I do ask myself regularly why I didn't put in at least a bit of effort during my last few months of school, leading to exams. I suppose I'm the sort of person that either puts in 100% or nothing at all. At the moment, I am putting in 100% effort to keep this job as fresh and interesting as possible, trying not to let it get monotonous and boring. I know it is, and I will get bored eventually, but who am I to plan ahead? That's not me. I don't have the guts to do it.

And that I think is the bottom line. I don't have the ambition or the guts to go ahead with any alternative. Going to university is something I imagine I would find rather tough and what other alternative is there other than work? You can't walk into a good job so you've got to start at the bottom and work your way up. That's my mind made up for me. Doors smash close when you don't put the effort in in your school days.

Part of me does regret it. The side of me that screams, "Can't Be Bothered!", however, doesn't regret it. Time spent not revising was spent doing things I enjoy and I when all of my classmates were spread-eagled over countless revision notes and books, I was outside in the sun, enjoying the summer with the other people who didn't care. We all knew we were never destined for greatness. Another thing I don't like about myself. I underestimate myself too much and I know I do. But overestimation I feel can lead to disastrous and disappointing consequences. At least I know where I stand. Another thing about myself. I like to know where I stand. Even if it is nowhere.

There are a lot of things I do regret. I will regret them more when I wish I had a good career to keep my life interesting and even though I'm safe and sound at the moment, who knows what will happen in 20 years..