"Eurgh"

I've had a very, very bad couple of days. I don't usually expect bad days as strong and vigorous as these, mainly because they rarely come in the middle of Summer, but mostly because it was completely unexpected.

I'm not exactly sure how to explain it without making me sound childish and stupid, to be honest. I mean, I know it was going to be difficult waking up very early on a Bank Holiday Monday morning, especially knowing I had to go to sleep early whilst everyone else was partying simply because they could, but it wasn't entirely that.. Ok, I don't like being left out on occasions like this, because for some bizarre reason, I feel like I'm not wanted, even if it's no ones fault! Like I say.. I'm not going to escape this without sounding stupidly childish, but the goings-on in my brain are completely unfathomable, even to myself.

I don't know.. I started to feel a bit rubbish earlier in the day, whilst playing in the best cricket match of the season so far, where we escaped with a narrow victory, but whilst the rest of the team were in a happier state of mind, I just didn't really feel like I was there.. I sometimes fail to enjoy the times that life bring, instead concentrating on the bad times that are ahead, and I wish, more than anything, for that to change. I should of spent Sunday enjoying the cricket match and concentrating on a good performance, (which didn't come, surprisingly), instead of dreading the days to come. The drive home from cricket was sort of enjoyable, as me and Boony discussed the shortcomings of the cricket club we play for, of which there was a long list, but as soon as I got home, I just wanted to go to sleep forever. The waves of unhappiness hit me like the heatwaves as you step off a plane into a hot climate, but despite this, I hauled myself to the pub quiz, in at attempt to forget the mood I was in.

It didn't happen. I probably looked like the damp squib in a packed bank-holiday weekend pub, as I couldn't really get past the fact that I hate the life I live at the moment.

I know I said earlier, and to a few people, that the job isn't the problem, but I think it is. All of you probably know by now, I am scared of hard work. I make no bones about it, I am stupidly lazy and sheer bone idleness is my number one character trait. No one hates it more than I do, but I cannot bear facing over 8 hours in a warehouse where I don't know what's going on, and just looking at the clock waiting to go home. No amount of money is worth that, and especially not the crappy wage I get now.. Most of my first pay-packet is going to go on car insurance and part of the mountaneous bill from a few weeks ago, and I am so tempted to just say to my parents, "Have the car as payment, and I'll sit here until September with nothing". It won't be nice, and it may be boring... Wait... Haven't I said those words before? Here we are again...

My major concern is that I am thinking all this is coming after simply a few weeks. A few weeks into my job at SmartMove, I was concerned that I wasn't making progress, but enjoying the probability that it may evolve, and I at least knew the basics of the job I was doing. A few weeks into BP, somehow, I was enjoying working with the freedom that nights brought, even if it became steadily more awful. A few weeks into Go Outdoors, and I'm already dreading it? It shouldn't be like that... The real problem is that I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing there, and I have no knowledge whatsoever of anything about outdoor pursuits. I was asked last week to pitch up the tents for the sale display.. Even though I claimed to have been camping, "a few times", in my interview, just so I could get the job, I honestly have no idea. I suppose with a bit of logic, it's do-able, but it's not a skill I have. I had no choice but to explain I couldn't do it. A guy working in the camping department, who can't put up a tent? Really? Can you honestly imagine the embarrassment? I think my Department Manager could sense it.... And it's this sort of thing I am faced with day in, day out and with my fragile mind and paranoid thoughts, it's already becoming unbearable. I am learning from the customers, when the customers should really be learning from me...

And it's this I've got to put up with for 8 and a half hours every day... Most of my day spent trying to avoid speaking to customers in fear of being upstaged and embarrassed, and most of my day looking desperately at my watch waiting for 5pm or 8pm to come around... It's no way to spend your life, and even if the little bit of money is a bonus, I honestly don't think it's worth the hassle.