The Edge of Reason

It's half past two in the morning. I have spent the last 4 hours attempting to rid my mind of darkness by distracting myself with this TV show and that TV show, and when that didn't work, sleeping. To try and forget about it, and hope it's gone by morning. It never works out that way. Too many thoughts drifting around, and when the first domino has fallen, chances are it will collide with the next and so on. Carrying on and on and on...

The more strong-minded of you will not know how this feels. The nearly impossible nature of dealing with negativity and impending doom, trying desperately to control the feelings that, left unattended, will develop into a monster. The techniques I have learnt in the past 6 weeks or so can be immensely difficult to implement, until it gets to a stage where you have no choice but to give in. You've run out of ideas and methods, ways to stop these deadly thoughts, the "what if's", the darkness... Too many times this week have I drifted from simply, "being alright" to the edge of sanity and at one stage, hoping I didn't exist. I don't want to talk about Wednesday, even to you.

This week has been so very tiring. I suppose mostly mentally, but physically aswell. The reason I have not spoken as much as I would have liked to in here is because the capacity of my brain is still being taken up by the thoughts and ideas, the possible mistakes or failures to be made in this new job of mine. From next week, there will be times when I am completely on my own in the branch, and this petrifies me. It has to happen at some stage, but for some unknown reason that I dare not ask, the management have decided the time is right for me to be let loose into the wild. 3 weeks in. I still do not know everything. Far from it. What if a customer is angry at me for not knowing something, or I make a mistake with someone's money or I send off the wrong paperwork. What if, what if, what if. The two words I'm not allowed to say or think, but cannot help saying or thinking. My brain is as fragile as a china doll at the moment, where one angry word, or one unhelpful comment can send me over the edge of reason...

I made a mistake on Monday. I gave some old dear too much money for her pension, because I didn't clear the last transaction and added it on to hers. Luckily, she was very honest and pointed out my mistake, but not everyone is like that. I was disappointed, and all of a sudden, the little confidence I possess had vanished. For the rest of the day, I was a quivering wreck, forgetting this and that, making silly errors left, right and centre but eventually, the close of play came and finally I got to go home. But I had a whole week ahead of me, and the very thought of it made me almost inconsolable. Tuesday was equally, if not more difficult, and Wednesday... Well... Like I say, I'd rather not go there. This was with help in the branch, surrounded by more experienced and probably more stable beings. Next week, I'm on my own. And I'm terrified.

The weekend ahead brings little respite, as I am refereeing tomorrow and have got 2 more games on Sunday, which will bring some income if nothing else. I am not looking forward to tomorrow much, as my experiences on the Saturday league have been more bad than good recently. And with my mental state in a fragile way, I fear I may not be able to handle the abuse that will most probably come in a way that I have somehow dealt with in the 6 years I have been involved in refereeing. Sunday will be better I hope.

As you've probably worked out, I'm not in a good way at the moment. I needed to get rid of some thoughts, despite it now being 3am, otherwise I would never have got to sleep, and I don't want to make a bad situation worse. I haven't even spoken about my spontaneous trip to Manchester last weekend, which was fantastic, but maybe there's time for that at a later date.

For now though, I need to go to bed and carry on fighting this latest mini-battle of mine. Life is tough.