Coming Out ... Again

This afternoon was certainly very interesting. Having just come off my lunch break, in which I read some new stories on RUComingOut, (the website I donated my own story to), I was approached by a customer. Nothing strange there of course, but this customer was female. Admittedly she was very pretty, but didn't have a lot of substance in the brain department. However, this didn't put off the male members of staff from the shop who stood with tongues hanging out ogling in her general direction. After I had served her and she had sauntered out, one of the staff from the shop came over and started talking to me.

I must point out at this moment in time, for those of you that don't know, I work in a single-manned post office in a convenience store. Technically, I work alone, but of course I talk and mingle with the store staff as the day progresses. I call them my colleagues, as we are all on the same payroll!

Anyway. Chris, this member of staff, came over and started talking to me. He instantly said, "You can put your eyes back in and stop checking her arse out now!"

Ah. Of course. He didn't know. Yes, I came out in November to everyone on Facebook and Twitter, but work being work, I realised at this exact moment in time that I don't have any of the shop staff as friends on Facebook or as followers on Twitter. Not a single one of them had read my story or even had an inkling of me being gay. Without trying to sound demeaning, the shop staff aren't the brightest bunch. A couple of them can be extremely traditional in their approach to everything. Chris is a nice enough chap, albeit a bit childish, however in their mind, I was still on the "default setting". In their mind, playing football and being a sportsman automatically means I like girls. In their mind, I am straight.

Here we go again.

Of course, I could have corrected him there and then and said something along the lines of, "Why would I check her out, I'm gay", but something stopped me. That feeling I am all used to feeling. That little speck of doubt etched on to the back of my brain that screamed, "Don't do it, they'll turn against you!", and although most of me knew that was unlikely, the smallest and most strongest part of me said otherwise. My mind went back instantly to the days of being 16 and 17, crying into my pillow just wanting to be "normal" and just unable to tell anyone I wasn't. But what was concerning me more was the fact that I had told myself that I was completely, 100% comfortable with who I am yet I was unable to tell a colleague. Why? What was stopping me?

For 20 minutes or so, I sat and thought. Custom was sparce, as it was deep into the afternoon and most people had settled their business for the day. I had a cup of tea in my right hand, a rich tea biscuit in the other, and I thought. What had stopped me telling Chris there and then? Maybe it was the idea that I might have caused trouble by telling him, not wanting to rock what is a very stable and enjoyable boat at the moment. Maybe I was a little afraid of being taunted? But then, why would Chris do that when no one else had? Maybe I thought his childish ways may take precedence and he was simply going to laugh? I don't know what stopped me, but before I had let the chance go completely, I went out to the stock room, and I told him.

Sure, it was certainly easier than the first time I ever told anyone, or telling my parents, but the nerves were still there. I was coming out again, something I knew I would have to do, but all of a sudden I felt rather frustrated. Chris was completely fine about it, (even if some of his phrases, i.e. "Its your choice", were technically wrong), but that wasn't the reason I was a little irked. I was annoyed because this is me. I shouldn't have felt like that over an aspect of my life. The life that I, and everyone else, have accepted entirely. I was, and still am rather disheartened at the fact that I need to keep coming out to people though. I knew I would have to, but it does get a little tiresome. I want to be free to live the rest of my life and although I am in a much better place now, I don't want to keep coming out to new people I meet. Why should I?

Chris isn't a new person I have met. I have been at my current job for over a year, yet surprisingly, this was the first time that an "opportunity" presented itself for me to tell him who I am. I am pleased that I (eventually) pounced on it, but it has played on my mind a little that I couldn't do it immediately. What's more, I imagine Chris will now go on to tell the rest of the staff, and although I am completely fine with that, I do imagine more questions and statements coming my way.

Sometimes, I just wish people said, "Great", and just carried on. For we are all normal after all.