The Nuances of the Mind

I'm at breaking point. Sure, the past couple of weeks have been hectic and mad but also uneventful at the same time. I've hardly had a second to think, to do what I want to do, but I spend the majority of my time with the world to myself. I've been with this schedule for two weeks now, and I am drained of all life. The long work hours sat in an office all alone, followed by copious organisation, administration and responsibility of the cricket season and then the pressures of wanting... needing, to help other people. Throw in the added fury of a non-working word processor, and my brain is just fit to burst with the frustration. And then I feel guilty and not very good at all when I remember... It's been just two weeks. A fortnight.

I see all these people juggling work life and social life and family life with consummate ease, day after day. Week after week. Year after year. The similar sort of thing I've done for the past fortnight, and I have come home from work today and collapsed in a heap on my bed with the lack of energy I remember only too well from years gone by. I refuse to accept that this demon is back, and rather blame the frightfully busy time I've had of late. But then I consider if this is the definition of "busy" after all, and then wonder if I should be doing more to compensate that. Work harder, for the benefits will surely come. No pain, no gain and all of that. But that's very difficult to do when you have no end plan. No goal. No final destination.

It's always been my problem. I have no idea where I want to be. No goal in life whatsoever. This coupled with the drive and determination that I accept I don't have, means a very average life that awaits. The idea of that drives me to insanity sometimes... I've tried to make a difference these past few months, but sometimes, it just feels like one step forwards, two steps back. I'm not getting anywhere. I want to be someone, but I don't have the attributes to do it.

And now I'm left feeling the frustrations of life, and everything that comes with it. Little things that shouldn't drive me mad, are proving to be huge hurdles to jump. Potentially problematic customers at work are being greeted by a more impatient manager than ever before, when they're used to seeing a friendly and patient face on the other side of the glass. At one point today, I was one wrong movement away from snapping and getting into mountainous trouble. Comments that I'd usually brush off as accidental are being given the full worry treatment by my overactive brain and everything that seemed so easy two weeks ago are proving now to be monumental challenges. Simple transactions at work, that I'd complete with my eyes closed just a week or so ago are now done in such a roundabout way by a person who just doesn't know if they're coming or going. More mistakes creep back, and then we're back to where I was a year ago. Petrified of making serious errors, and doing things wrong. And then that dominoes into wondering whether these mistakes will lead to dire consequences. The domino effect. The worst phrase in the English language.

Even the cricket season, once the passage of escape and excitement, is proving to be much more difficult this time round. With more structure and a higher level of official involvement, I've found myself constantly trying to appease the now large senior section. Managing training sessions, struggling to assert myself as a captain with next to no knowledge of coaching or selection, attempting to juggle all the other roles like head administrator and membership and bar work on a Wednesday. Making sure I'm keeping everyone happy and worrying about whether or not I'm giving everyone a fair crack of the whip leading up to the season. Always being the one who turns up an hour early and leaves an hour late, aswell as trying to focus on my own game. I fear it might be too much responsibility. This is after two weeks. Two fucking weeks...

And then there's the comments. The never-ending cycle of comments I see and hear from uneducated fools who think it's ok to use the word "gay" in a negative context. I used it once myself, and I instantly felt shit about it. Why did I say that? Am I just advocating future use? I heard someone at training yesterday shout, "Stop throwing it like gay boys!", and I instantly felt about two-inches tall. It distracted me for the rest of the session and has played on my mind ever since. Even now, looking at Twitter, I see words like "bender" and phrases like, "that song is so gay". I don't even have to search over 10 minutes worth of tweets and I see those two, among others, blaring out like a sore thumb in the middle of everyone else's poorly thought out opinions. I'm starting to become apprehensive to be myself in a society that claims to be more accepting, but isn't really. I'm starting to live in fear of being struck down and feeling like I did a few weeks ago with "that incident" at work. And then I wonder if I'm being too precious about it all, and whether I should just ignore it...

This is all starting to cloud the real me again. And I don't like it. And I don't know what to do.