Stay Grounded

"I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and joy."

Apologies for an apparent silence. Just... Everything is Australia at the moment.

I've been pretty quiet on here, in an attempt to play down the Australian trip. I have figured that the more I think about it, the more scenarios I can create in my head, and logic dictates that not all of them will be positive. At cricket the other day, I had to walk out the changing room as the topic randomly changed to deadly spiders in the middle of the tea break. I swiftly change the subject whenever the word 'Australia' pops up at work, and I find myself doing that with alarming regularity. It is true though. It is pretty difficult to escape.

However much I try, I cannot get it out my head. True, some might be asking, "Why would you even want to?", but I have delusions of grandeur when it comes to landing in Melbourne. I imagine myself stepping off the plane into the crescendo of heat and I'm the most confident person on the planet, but its not going to be the case. After the (very) brief honeymoon period, I am going to be terrified. This is a fact. I have yet to fully accept this, much like how I have yet to fully accept I am going at all, and quite frankly, I am going to need every little ounce of willpower I have to get through that initial period. As silly as it sounds, there is a real possibility that I might come home within a couple of weeks. Let's not beat about the bush here. This might happen. I hope it doesn't. But it might.

And the idea of that scares me also. The idea that the thoughts of what it might be like may well probably be completely different to what its actually going to be like. That's unimaginably scary... The thought that I might well end up throwing away the most perfect of opportunities because I panic. It is easy just thinking about it, but actually DOING it will probably be a different challenge altogether.

Right here right now however, I have a more immediate problem. Its safe to say that I like a drink every now and then, (when the weekend comes around!), and it is quite amazing how much I can get through on your average weekend. Barring bank holidays, (where one tends to go out on Friday and Sunday), I worked out yesterday that my last Saturday night in was way back in April. More often than not, I have backed that up with a night out on Friday aswell and every single time I go out, I drink most of a bottle of Jack Daniels before leaving for town where I consume even more. This weekend, I really did push the boundaries of how much I can drink on a night out. I went out on Friday and eventually went to sleep at 6:40am, and yes, you've guessed it already... I had work in the morning. 2 whole hours later, I was in my office physically falling apart at the seams.

And yes, I also went out last night. As if it needed saying. Despite illness, a headache, sore throat and the rest of man-flu like symptoms, I "manned up" and got on with it. Seeing off the majority of a small bottle of Jack Daniels and a few shots followed by what some people call a "session". Now, usually, I wouldn't bother about thinking about the effects of heavy drinking, but last night was the first time I actually stopped and thought about what the hell my liver is going through.

I can feel it right now, physically disintegrating.

And what's more, people are starting to judge me for it. I can feel the words of, "What an idiot, wasting his money like that", and I'd like to say they don't effect me. They don't really, but at the same time I'm not saying, "Don't care what you think!"

One more thing. I think I'm getting a bit ... Arrogant. Big-headed. I can feel myself walking along the streets thinking that I'm better than some other people. That's wrong isn't it? Why am I thinking that?

Oh. Australia. Of course.