Why I'm Happy to be Single

"Uncertainly is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security". - John Allen Paulos.

I did have a boyfriend once, and we were happy. He moved away and we had our difficult moments, but what relationship doesn't have their challenges? I loved him and he loved me. But then he died. One moment of madness, where time stood still, and that was it. He was gone.

I will never get over the day I found out, but you have to move on at some point. I don't have to forget the great times we spent together, but ever since that horrible day, I have put myself under immense pressure to find that spark again. I miss it, so very much. At the same time though, I feel anxious about starting again. Not only do I feel the normal anxieties around dating, (maybe exacerbated by past health issues), but I also feel guilty about dating again so soon. It's very easy to look from outside in and comment that I can move on and to go for it. The phrase, "easier said than done" has never meant so much as it has now.

I've been on a couple of dates recently. None of them amounted to very much, and it's very easy to see why. I am not ready. All through what were pleasant enough evenings, I was thinking, "I shouldn't be here." The most silent of society's taboos, that everyone should always be looking for The One. It's only very, very recently that I have realised that I don't need to be.

Being alone has it's perks. It sounds depressing and many think that I only need a cat to complete the image of loneliness, but I know I'm not lonely. I have many friends and a loving family. A lot of people out there however are paramount that you cannot be truly happy alone. I want to dispel that myth.

It's only after you have lost everything when you can appreciate what you have. There was a time when I was in hospital, having lost my job, my flat, my love and friends. I can't really explain the mind set I was in as it's extremely difficult to return to that state, even for memories sake. However, since I have started to rebuild my life, I have begun to explore the dating game again. It is the last piece of the jigsaw, but is my jigsaw already complete? I now think it is. Although the option is open to make my puzzle bigger in the future.

Being single gives you time to be yourself, with yourself and answer those questions bouncing around your mind in the safety of your own four walls. No pressure. When something so fast happens, it takes time to process it. I have always been impatient, wanting things to happen faster, wanting me to be better, but now I appreciate I need to give this proper time. Even if it takes a year, five years or ten. I need to give myself a break. Not to look for that perfect life, but appreciate that I still have one. To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm.

Time that would be spent on another half, is now being spent on me and my goals. I'm writing a book, that sometimes speeds ahead at roaring pace or slows to a grinding halt. I'm constantly writing poems. With a whole adult life of chaos to draw from, I feel my writing has real potential. I can eat when I want, sleep when I want and do what I want without wondering if I'm being a good boyfriend and giving enough of my time to someone else. From today, I am going to start using that freedom to the full. I can have flexible scheduling, have a relaxed attitude to shaving and quite frankly, who cares if the dishes are sitting there in the sink? I'll do it another day.

I don't have to impress anyone, I don't have to make sacrifices and compromises to appease someone else and I can have that one more biscuit. I'm 24. I am still young. I am still alive. I can continue to be selfish with my lifestyle and my space without feeling guilty about it. I shouldn't be tied down to something or someone that doesn't make me happy. Or even worse, a situation that makes me feel anxious. I should go where I want, when I want and do what I want.

And right now, all I want is to be single. And that shouldn't be frowned upon.