In my time, I have written some pretty serious blog posts. I'm very open about who I am and what I've been through as I genuinely believe that my life experiences can help others. I'm not afraid about how people perceive me, whether that be inspiring or attention-seeking.
Until now.
I'm very scared to write this, because I thought I had established who I was. On 18th November 2012, I wrote in this very same blog and came out as gay. It was such a huge hurdle to jump but everyone was so supportive and magnificent about it all. It was such a huge, life-defining moment and a positive move in every aspect. Apart from one.
By coming out as gay, I positioned myself as one set thing through the eyes of society. I'm a guy who likes guys and society dictates that I have locked myself in that box. I've come out of the closet now and there's no route back to Narnia. I've fought that battle and came out the other side. Except I haven't. Not really. If I'm being brutally honest with you all, I don't know what "sexuality" I am. The social requirement to fit into a category seems such a laborious and energy-consuming exercise, and I quite frankly can't be bothered racking my brains for the answer anymore. At first I thought I was "straight" and then I thought I was "bisexual" and then I thought I was "gay". There was even a brief stage where I thought I was "asexual". Four very certain and very rigid descriptions of sexual orientation, except we all know that sexual orientation is a spectrum. I've felt compelled to fit into a box created by narrow-mindedness that I'd completely forgotten that I could just be Tom.
This has began to become more apparent in the last six months or so. I've seen girls and thought, "Wow she's beautiful and funny", but shut down those thoughts because I'm gay. I've realised that I fancy girls too. But I told the world I was gay, how ridiculous would it look if I backtracked? I've gone a complete loop, finding guys attractive but shutting out those thoughts because I "should" like girls. Now I realise that I ALSO find girls attractive, but I shut out those thoughts because I "should" like guys. I have a couple of female friends who I find attractive and I like, but everyone who knows me, identifies me as a gay man. If my friends and family were truly open-minded, this wouldn't matter to them, but this is harder than coming out as gay. Coming out as not gay. There's this sense of urgency, that I MUST identify as a sexual orientation otherwise there's something wrong with me. Society wants us all to pick a side and stay there, but I don't want to. I'm fed up of lying awake at night wondering what box I fit into, when I don't want to fit into a box at all. It's even more scary as I've gone from one side of the spectrum to the other. I'm scared people will just think I'm trying to be revolutionary or attention-seeking, like a rebellious teenager trying to be unique. I just want to be happy.
I'm guessing people will now identify me as bisexual, determined to stick to this Venn diagram of sexuality. I'm telling you now, I don't identify as any sexual orientation. Labels in society are so damn restricting and unnecessary. It's caused me a lot of mental pain and a few tears. I've asked myself why everyone is so certain about the definable limits of their sexuality, and I can't. When I came out as gay in 2012, I was 100% certain. But why can't these things change? It may fuel the argument from the homophobic section of our world that your sexuality is a "choice", but that's merely because everyone wants to complete the box-ticking exercise. I see no reason why our sexual desires can't evolve with the rest of our being.
So, there you have it. I'm losing no more sleep over this. Label me as whatever you like, but in my own head, I am Tom. That may sound a bit pretentious and up myself, but it is true. Two old friends of mine, who I rarely speak to these days, said two very, very perfect lines:
1) I am [Insert Name Here]. I am not a box. (At the time, I rolled my eyes but damn, it's true.)
2) "I think the whole world is bisexual".
That second line might not be far from the truth. Some people may be 99.99% "straight" yet find Zac Efron attractive. Some people the opposite. Some may be 50/50, some may be 64.6% "straight" and 35.4% "gay". There is no set parameter, and I wish people would start seeing it like this.
Some of you may think I'm trying to grab some headlines, but I had to write it down. I am going to continue my life, safe in the knowledge that I am not restricted. I may have a boyfriend in 6 months. I may have a girlfriend in a year. I may be single forever.
One thing I am not though, is a box.
No comments:
Post a Comment