A Brand New Feeling

In my adult life, I have experienced many negative events. Within these pages are stories of panic attacks, nervous breakdowns and, as my Mother calls them, "episodes". I have experienced it all, yet one thing I have never even considered feeling is social anxiety. I have always been able to socialise with anyone, regardless of the type of people they are or the social circles they stand in. I can socialise with "blokes", at football and cricket clubs, talking about beer and parties. I can socialise with nerd types and converse about poetry or novels. I can socialise with people older than me with respect at bus stops. I have never ever felt nervous about it.

Until last night.

Last night, after watching Wales deservedly beat England at the Rugby World Cup, I headed out to my usual haunt for a rare Saturday night out. I was pleasantly drunk and enjoying a good evening, but I reached the pub and all of a sudden, I felt introverted. I bought a drink and ended up drinking it so slowly that I found myself with the same drink three hours later. I walked from the garden outside, through the ever-increasingly busy dance floor and to the quieter lounge area on the other side of the bar. I made that journey about four or five times, choosing to sit on the sofas and peruse my phone. I hadn't gone out alone. I went out with one of my best friends, and met many more friends at the pub, all of whom I get on well with, but part of me just wanted to be on my own. Yet, the other part wanted to me to showing off some great* dance moves on the dance floor. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

*Of course, when you're drunk, all dance moves are great...

I've never been like that. Maybe when I've gone out sober, I've been quieter and more composed, but I was drunk. When I'm drunk, I'm happy, dancing away, joking with friends. Yesterday, I just couldn't do it. And it was kind of scary. It was a brand new emotion to feel and I didn't quite know how to cope with it. I didn't go home until about 2am, as I wanted to stay and see if these feelings would drift off, but they never did.

Since then, I've been thinking about why this happened. It happened to a degree last weekend as well, but I did go out specifically to try and chill out after a tough week at work. Last night, I wanted to party and dance and let out some energy, but it didn't happen.

Reason 1: I'm scared of getting too drunk. Knowing me, when I get hyped up on a night out, I buy drinks quicker than I can consume them, and all of a sudden I'm wasted and heading towards the disaster zone of previous "episodes". Last night, I took three hours to drink one small JD.

Reason 2: I've been living on my own for nearly a year now. I've gotten used to my own company, with my own thoughts and living inside my own four walls. This isn't a bad thing, but I am so much less sociable than when I was living with other people, be that family or flatmates. Is it possible to unlearn social skills?

Reason 3: Although many of you reading this will think, "don't be so ridiculous", maybe I'm just past the age of dancing and making a fool of myself when I'm drunk? Maybe I'm heading towards a time where I prefer a quiet pint in a beer garden instead of raving. But that doesn't explain why I didn't feel comfortable even sitting with friends outside last night...

I'm more inclined to go with reasons 1 and 2. Certainly, I am now so very wary of drinking too much nowadays, bearing in mind I'm not supposed to be drinking at all. I've come a long way from this time last year and going back to square one just isn't an option.

I've faced tougher challenges than this for sure, but it isn't one that sits very well with me. However, life goes on.