Inspiration

Inspiration. It can come in any way shape or form and sometimes unexpectedly. This evening provided bucket loads of it as I was invited to the official launch of the World Youth Organisation. It's a charity I've become involved in within the last six months as it's DSO (Designated Safeguarding Officer) and the story of it's growth is quite astounding. All culminating in this evening, at the Houses of Parliament in Westminster, an evening where all of the people involved in WYO gathered to celebrate the get go.

I turned up relatively early to help set up, although I did feel slightly like I was getting in the way and greeted CEO Kieran, (who has been the main protagonist behind this charity) and screwed in a few bolts into lights. As the guests began to arrive in dribs and drabs, I recognised a few faces and began to mingle. It's an acquired skill is mingling... Usually helped with the consumption of alcohol (in moderation please!) making conversation isn't a skill I possess. When I was a teenager, I had confidence to burn. Not these days.

Anyway. I attempted to mingle, before I was stationed outside to stop the crowd surge as the final preparations were completed. Full-time Safeguarding Officer and part-time security guard. When the proceedings began, we were greeted with a plethora of inspiring, determined, driven young people who had made all of this possible. It really is an honour to be the smallest part of a charity that has true potential internationally.

However, while I am pleased to be involved, upon walking in through the front door of my one bedroom flat, I was drowned in an unexplainable sorrow. While my friend's summary of a gut full of adrenaline with nowhere to go with it might sound plausible, I know exactly what it is.

It's jealousy.

And while it's normal to feel some jealousy on occasions, this jealousy is wrong. I'm jealous of people's success, knowing full well that they've worked through blood, sweat and tears to earn that success. It's success I dream of too, but I lack the drive and determination needed. Clearly, I hope for it to be handed to me on a silver platter, but deep down, I know I need to change my ways. My Mother would say it was okay to lack ambition, as long as you're happy. And I'm the happiest I've been in ages. But somewhere along the line, I will need to grow. I will need to progress.

I'm used to leading, to be at the forefront of collective success, but I feel like in everything I do now, I am a mere foot soldier. I feel like a disposable pawn in this hugely competitive game of chess. It's fine to be like this, but ultimately, I need more.

Tonight, as I listened to the young people of the charity displaying their pure love and determination for a brilliant cause, I merely lamented my missed chances. I spent time despising what I've been through in the last seven years and despite still being a young person myself, the world moves at an alarming pace. Even my novel, of which is my one hope of the success I crave at the moment, lacks forward thinking and originality, despite being completely the opposite when I began it almost two years ago.

Tonight, I am happy for my new found friends and colleagues for their success. However, I feel like I'm being left behind. I don't like it. And I'm not sure I have the strength of mind to catch up.