The Loss of the Safety Net

This week has been very difficult indeed. Eight days ago, as I've already mentioned in these pages, I took the last remaining quetiapine tablets I had with the intention of not renewing the prescription. After nine months of slowly reducing my sertraline intake followed by slowly reducing the quetiapine, I have now been medication free for eight days. For the first time in seven years.

I'm not a psychiatrist, or indeed a physician, but I can imagine what my body must be thinking after comfort eating on "happy pills" for seven years before it all got taken away. Even after nine months of slowly giving it subtle warnings that I won't be taking them, my body has reacted like a three year old who's favourite toy has been thrown in the bin.

In retaliation, it has offered nausea, headaches, stomach cramps and is acting like a three year old by refusing to go to sleep. These eight days have been beyond exhausting and despite my best efforts in telling myself it will eventually pass, I grow weary of how long these side effects are lasting. I feel a tad low because of it all, hence the increased activity in this blog, but I'm determined that I can fight past this and get back to normal. I can deal with headaches and what not, but the lack of sleep really is getting to me. I also feel like parts of my personality have changed, as if the quetiapine almost relaxed me to such a degree that nothing annoyed me. Now that I'm quetiapine-less, everything is annoying me. I'm having to make a conscious effort to not snap at people, and even then I have failed a couple of times.

Also, one of the side effects of taking anti-depressants in the first place is the absence of a libido. Now I'm not taking them, I feel like a horny sixteen  year old who wants to fuck everything with a heartbeat. I've not given into those temptations though, as Grindr looms large on my Samsung S6. The last thing I need at the moment is chlamydia.

But seriously, it's 01:30 at the moment and I feel exhausted but unable to switch off. I have two cricket matches in two days coming up and although it'll probably be fine when I get into it, the idea of waking up and going to these games is making me feel a bit sick. Our game tomorrow is an odd one, as our opposition includes players from our Sunday side and indeed our groundsman, so it's always a bit of a grudge match. There's always some sledging that goes on, (the art of mind games) which I know will all be a bit of harmless fun, but with my head in the mode it's in at the moment, I can't imagine I'll be enjoying it too much. The other game is a promotion clash, which will no doubt be high pressure, despite the lowly division we play in.

I just don't think I need it right now.

But I'll end up going anyway, and who knows, it may turn out alright. The loss of the safety net however is a loss that I never expected to be so severe. I gave up the sertraline entirely about six weeks ago and there were literally no side effects. I was expecting the same with the quetiapine but the polar opposite has happened.

I've also thought about my writing. My half-finished novel and the exciting second idea I have come up with, plus the accumulation of poems that I feel are becoming of better quality. I wish I had the energy and the motivation to be able to work towards my dream of becoming a published author, but I don't. So much for a dream. Yet I remind myself not to put too much pressure on these shoulders, that have had a lot of weight to carry recently, and hope things work out.

They always do, right?