Mr.Impatient

I won't lie. I want to be at university around now. I feel like I'm missing out on all the drunken fun, the heart-to-heart's, the independance and feeling like I'm actually working towards something other than the dullness of day-to-day life at the worst place of all, home.

My plan of making the most of my coveted 4 days off have become fruitless once more and I find myself wide awake at the most deathly of hours, trying to waste away the time by doing pointless things. Useless things. Things that mean nothing at all. There is nothing you can do at this time of the day. And boy, don't I just know it. I do feel completely useless here.

I don't know why but I feel like I'm not trusted by people any more. People have made new friends to confide in and who cares about lonely old Tom at home in his rubbish job with his rubbish hours. There have been too many cases lately, especially today, where people tell me there is something wrong, then refuse the help I offer. They brush it off, as if I'm not good enough for them, I'm too fragile myself to give to other people or simply they don't want to disturb me, thinking I've got troubles of my own to deal with. Much like how I think of others I suppose. Is this all just me being a hypocrite?

I do have troubles of my own, yes, but I am bothered about what my friends are doing. They may all have gone to university now but I wish, more than anything, that they don't forget what they've left behind. I increasingly feel like I have no one here now. No one to talk to, or enjoy things with. I feel incredibly lonely. So very lonely.

And that is why I long to be somewhere else. Somewhere else where family aren't probing your every move, much of which has happened today. Somewhere where people actually understand what you're going through, even slightly, people my own age and people who I can have fun with. Sitting at home, trying to ignore the searching questions of parents and people who think you are lying to avoid them. That isn't what I would constitute as 'fun'.

And the word 'fun' is something I have missed. The word 'fun' became redundant at the time where everyone went back to their proper homes. The homes they had been longing to get back to ever since they left. The homes that don't involve me. Selfish? Maybe. I know it's the truth. Not one of them wanted to stay here any longer, and I don't blame them. But I feel now, there is no one. I can speak over the phone, or on here, but nothing is like going out somewhere, or simply going to the pub or the cinema. Not just sitting here, with only the heat of the room to keep you company.

This coming year, apart from a few weeks, are going to be dreadful. I want the loneliness to disappear and I just want someone to walk through the door a few feet in front of me and just talk to me. Someone who understands what is happening in my head. Anyone.

I took my parents out to dinner earlier. Despite my secret thoughts about them, I still do love them and appreciate them as much as the next Son, and it is their anniversary today. 27 years... or 28.. However, I do wish they wouldn't probe so much. Just let me deal with my own excursions, problems and adventures. And, even if you are thinking, "Tell them then?", I have. Many times. But they do not listen. The main reason I don't tell them anything, because they don't listen properly. They offer help and don't help at all. At times where things inside my head have exploded I have sat down with them, tears strolling down my cheeks, and tell them to leave me alone. Just leave me to it. Then they start to creep back in to my life once more, until it all explodes again. It's a vicious cycle. And a cycle I wish to be rid of. It is part of the reason I'm going to university. Just a bit of independance. Even if sometimes I feel I can't look after myself. Even if there are days where I feel like the whole world hates me. Days like today.

And that, my friends, is the main problem. Maybe I have a touch of the Bipolar in me. Days where I can feel good and even talk to my parents about something. Like a couple of weeks ago. How can things change so quickly? Why do things change so quickly? Do they have to change so quickly? I can't help it. I don't like it. Right now, I want to be rid of it. But I don't have the bottle.

I do feel physically sick, just at the thought of jumping..