The Last 48

It's going to be tough describing what has been a 48 hours full of high ups and very, very low downs. My head is fit to burst.

I suppose it started on Wednesday evening. I had previously booked the week off work, which is a place where I don't feel a part of anymore, and rightly so. We were looking for something to do, the usual crowd. We decided on going to the cinema, courtesy of Orange, where we saw the 3rd instalment of the 'Fockers' franchise. Still cost enough to get in, and honestly? I didn't pay a lot of attention to the film. It was very average, so I sat in my seat in the corner, just thinking about things. Thinking about things that I keep closed in my head, tell no one of. I had been happy the few days before that and could just feel the down time coming. The Bipolar in me was rearing it's ugly side once more. It's not official, but it might aswell be.

I felt bad upon leaving the cinema. Everyone was quite bubbly, reviewing what they had just seen, but me? I just walked alongside them, reviewing what I had just thought about. I was incredibly silent, I knew I was, but I didn't really care. I knew what was coming, it always does after a few days of happiness. I said so myself, in this very blog, that it wouldn't last very long, but I didn't expect what was to come.

Upon dropping everyone off back at their respective houses, as is accustomed these days, they must have felt that something was up. My tone of voice and general body language suggested it. I dropped the last person off, (Beddoe), and decided on going for a drive. It's what I usually do when I feel a bit down, try and clear my head a bit, but for some reason, this time I couldn't. I just couldn't clear my head. The depression just drowned me, I couldn't get rid of it. I stopped in a lay by somewhere, I don't know where, and just ... cried. I had never felt so bad. Never. Not even during the darkest days had I felt so bad. I couldn't even work out why. There were a couple of things I was annoyed about, but they shouldn't have made me like that. I texted a few people, just to keep me on Planet Earth, but they all said the same things. Said what I wanted to hear, or just said anything just for the sake of replying. It didn't help.

I felt lost at this time of night. I felt like there was nothing worth living for, I didn't feel wanted or like anyone cared. I was so scared. I came to my senses and went home at about 12:45, and went straight to sleep. Maybe after a good, long sleep, the feeling will just disappear. I cried myself to sleep, still feeling as bad as I ever had done. I have no explanation.

My bad mood continued today. I was supposed to go to town to buy things for the University interview. I never made it, and I presume I left my sister waiting for a good couple of hours in town before she realised I was never coming. I just stayed in bed all day, sleeping for the sake of sleeping, realising that if I slept, I wouldn't be awake to think about things. I can be incredibly selfish at times like this, but you must realise that if I wasn't, I wouldn't survive.

Many people are off back to university tomorrow or at the weekend, so they had an, "epic", night out planned, but I realised that I had to leave for my University interview incredibly early, so refused. Preperation was needed, as was an early night, despite sleeping for most of the day anyway. I then had a strange feeling. Lots of people were saying they had University offers, so I decided, on the off chance, to have a look at my university status. I had got an e-mail.

"Your UCAS Status has changed".

Ohhh. Someone had made a decision. I logged in as quickly as I could, hoping for good news. As with last time, my laptop decided to freeze at just the wrong point, but when I finally made it on to the choices page, I saw an 'Unconditional' next to my 1st choice, Brighton. In a matter of seconds, my vicious mood had turned to one of great joy. My future was decided. I am going to university next year, 100%. I no longer had to attend my interview and I was free to go and say goodbye to everyone.

My head had exploded. Emotionally, I was all over the place. I couldn't really think straight, because part of me was still recovering from the awful episode, but part of me was joyous at the news I had just recieved. The night out wasn't amazing, a bit too gangster for my liking, but it was good to see everyone before they went back.

Even if................. Ahhh, what's the point.

And despite sleeping for the best part of 17 hours, I am knackered 8 hours after waking up. My emotions are just, everything. I'm still feeling a little bit down, nowhere near yesterdays level, but the news that my life will definitely be changing in 8 months time, definitely for the better, just makes me so relieved, that I can't possibly explain it. It will be hard work, and a huge step for someone like me, but if I didn't do it, as some monkey would say... What is the point in me?

And I also have a monstrous headache. Alcohol maybe? Or just the fact that what I am feeling right now, every emotion on the planet, just hurts my brain.

Bye x