Frustrations

I've had a highly frustrating evening. Multiple discussions based around two things. 1) The ethos and selection policy of a cricket club and 2) The main principles of friendship.

In all fairness, by the time I got around to discussing point 2, I was already highly strung and frustrated over point 1, which I believe I have spoken briefly about here before. I have taken over 2 cricket sides, both of which I want to be successful. In the last post, I spoke about how I have been involved in sport for too long simply to want to "be involved". After taking away the transport problems and my level of talent, I want to be able to play the best cricket available to me. The club I am with at the moment, are languishing in the middle tier of our Saturday league setup, (although promotion is looking good) and right at the bottom of the Sunday league setup, (again, with promotion still in the mix). The reason we are fighting for promotion is because we have had our best players playing for the past month or so. If we want to get promoted, this is the way to go.

However, our self-proclaimed "Director of Cricket" thinks differently. Bedford Cricket Club is predominantly a youth cricket club, with successful youth setups across the board. No one will say that our youth setup is bad, because it plainly isn't. The problem is, when the youth of the club turn 17, they have nowhere else to go instead of into the adult setup, which is nowhere. Ultimately, these players will leave and look elsewhere for a better standard, leaving our adult sides drowning at the bottom of the league setup. To change this, we need to get promoted, and fast. Promising young players in the past have gone from successful youth teams to adult teams who are worse, simply because the adult teams have no substance.

Except our so-called "Director of Cricket" has other ideas. After texting him the selected XI's for this weekend, just for his information, he replied with a long essay about how I haven't been fair with the selection, and have gone with nearly the same XI for both days, (which isn't strictly true). He berated me for not having the right maturity for the role and not understanding the ethos of the club. He thinks I should be giving everyone a fair game, but also wants the teams to be promoted, which, given our poor strength in depth, is almost impossible. It is clear we disagree on certain aspects of running the two sides, except his reasoning is daft and I am being realistic. I simply cannot expect to pick two sides, both of which will get promoted, whilst also giving people their "chances". In my experience, you cannot pick a side based on "fairness", giving everyone a fair bat and a bowl AND get promoted. With a squad of 20 good players, then yes, quite possibly, but not at this cricket club. No way. Maybe a year ago, I'd have swayed to giving people chances, but like I say, I've changed. I now think there is little point in playing, especially when you're using up whole weekends, just to go along and lose. I don't want that anymore. I have a "meeting" with him tomorrow, and I don't imagine it to be very civilised..

Another thing that annoys me somewhat is, at the beginning of the season, I was assured that I would have total control in who plays, how I would go about running the side, and that our Director of Cricket would only step in if I asked for help, (which I did on occasions). Clearly, this isn't happening anymore, as he has stepped in and become quite aggressive in questioning my decisions. This all may seem a little OTT, but in recent months, especially after the FA fiasco, I have become a man of principle. I do not want to be involved in anything where my ideas are different to that of the club/organisation/association around me, and that is final. I don't feel like I could comfortably play for a team, knowing that their main goal isn't to progress. What's the point? We have laughs along the way, we enjoy ourselves, we have fun, yes. But ultimately, I want to be part of a team that works its way up from the bottom to new heights and that's going to be hard enough without the owner breathing down your neck at every turn and heavily criticising decisions. I might be improving mentally, but even so, I'm not sure I want to cope with that pressure just yet.

After that charade, Point 2 started, that basically involved me and my friend having a discussion about Summer trips, its organisation and what not, none of which I can be bothered, or want to discuss. There's not really much need. I do just wish sometimes though, that people can just get on without argument or discussion. Have a few alcoholic beverages, and enjoy the days without acrimony, animosity or indignation.

I have one primary concern and one minor concern though. Yes, I am becoming a man who takes his principles and morals very seriously, and yes, I am starting to think that I am seriously growing up and maturing, but I want none of this to be personal. There was one line from this exchange with the Director of Cricket, that angered me a little. He claimed I didn't have the passion for the game and the club that he did. I accept, of course, that he has put a lot of effort in. But to suggest I don't care is ludicrous. I could have moved on a few years ago, but stayed to help fight to get us up and going. I took over to help take the strain off him along with my own want to get up and going. For him to chuck that back in my face is a little upsetting.

However, my primary concern is my state of mind. As if it needed saying. These past few months, I have stood up for what I think with surprising strength, but I feel that the next few weeks, beginning tomorrow with this meeting, is going to take that to the next level. I need to be able to control my emotions, whilst having important discussions face-to-face, keeping a lid on feelings and staying rational throughout. I think I know what's going to happen tomorrow at this meeting, and I think I know what I'm going to do if certain home truths arise, and I don't think it's going to end well. However, I need to be an adult about it. Accept it. Move on. Hopefully I can continue to play cricket there, without feeling like I'm going against my own thoughts and ideas, but somehow I don't think that's going to be possible, on Saturdays at least. We shall see.

It's all very well talking about standing up for yourself and being strong in the Summer, but this Winter is going to be the real challenge. If I can get through one winter, with few troubles, then I'll know I'm on the road to recovery. Given the current state of the British weather, and the oncoming storm at the cricket club, I almost want that challenge to begin tomorrow.

I just want to get on with it. No excuses.