A Confidence Lapse

It's been a pretty strange weekend. It feels as if I've been awake for the whole thing, never sleeping, never resting. All in all however, I don't feel like I've done that much.

I went out on Friday night. It was just your bog standard night out on Bedford town that seemed to go alarmingly fast. At one stage, we were playing some dodgy Geordie Shore drinking game, (don't get me started), and then I blinked and we were going home via some random chicken takeaway shop. All I remember from the night is eating a skinny little piri-piri wrap whilst watching the raindrops race each other down the windows... Otherwise, it's a complete blur and bearing in mind I didn't drink that much, I'm convinced that was because of the time.

Anyway. I got home just shy of 3am, knowing full well I had the cricket club AGM 7 hours later. It sounded like a relatively simple task, if a little tiring. Go to sleep, wake up and go through the rigmarole and discussion, cup of coffee in hand, and then go home and relax. However, I also knew I had to present a report summarising the adult section from the previous season and outlining what I wanted to happen in the coming season. Don't get me wrong. I'm proud that I have been given the task of propelling this section of our club to new heights, but I still have not quite got my head around being the lead person of one of the most important sections of the club. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be "Director". The image of the Director is an illustration of an old-fashioned, experienced ambassador, who has been at the organisation/club/assocation for years and has worked their way to that position. I have been at the club for 4 years, and although for two of those I have been captain, I feel like I have taken on a monumental task, much suited to a more experienced being. I do get the small impression that a few people at that club wonder why there is a young man sat at the top table. I also feel a little guilty. Still being young, I do still go out and drink, and I don't think I should stop doing that because I've now got a position of authority. If it was a paid position, a position in an organisation, then it would be a different story. This is voluntary, so I don't think I should be giving up the things I enjoy doing because of it. But me being me, I do wonder what the others think of me and my drinking habits. Going back to my original point, Saturday morning was the first time where this realisation got to me. It got to me so much that I quickly spiralled into a state of dour foreboding.

I could not sleep on Friday night. I probably turned the lights out at about 3.30am, but sleep eluded me until about 7.30. I was terrified. I did type in here, my thoughts of absolute consternation, complete fearfulness and the mountain of anxiety that I felt because of this meeting. Upon reading it back in the morning, I deleted it in fear of being branded an idiot. In the end, I was in such a state, that I did well making it at all. Upon arrival at the meeting, I took a deep breath and drew the veil, now layers thick, that masks the anxiety from the outside world, and got on with it. The meeting itself went relatively smoothly, with me sat at the end of the top table, trying to concentrate, but also keeping quiet until I had to talk. At times, I chipped in a brief opinion to let people know that I had not fallen asleep, but otherwise, I felt if I said anything, it wouldn't come out right.

This was until the time of the meeting where I had no choice but to speak. The junior cricket director had just spoken at length about the junior setup, and all of a sudden, I felt a brick hit me in the face with the force of a category 1 hurricane. I had drafted a report, that sat in front of me, but the words on the piece of paper seemed to drift into one, creating one long black line. I started talking, at a volume barely recognisable. It started off OK, as I looked up and saw a sea of concentrated faces focused in my direction. Why was I so nervous? As I say, it started off relatively alright, but then I found myself repeating things, then realised I was repeating things, and got even worse. It wasn't great, but then no one seemed to react negatively to it. At the end, I was asked a few questions from the membership, then we moved on to the next item. No negativity at all. I focused on that for the rest of the meeting, the fact that I had received nothing detrimental, and just about got through it. It could have gone better then, but bearing in mind I was in the middle of a "mini-episode", it could have been much, much worse. I let the positives into my post-meeting summary that took place in the confines of my brain, and told myself, "At least I turned up". And seriously, I did well to turn up.

I went straight to sleep when I got in at roughly 12.30, and woke up at 5pm, ready to go and eat a lot of pizza and watch the football in a surprisingly good mood. This confirmed that the anxiety I felt was simply over the morning's events, which was a relief.

Today, I had my first net of the winter training campaign which went alright. The quality of the bowling in the team I was training with was pretty poor however, so it wasn't the stringent opening test I was after. But a good warm-up none the less. Since then, I have just been dossing and ranting severely about the ridiculousness that is the X Factor and it's fans, before watching the opening of I'm A Celebrity. I was also reminded of the steep irony of complaining religiously about reality TV, then offering opinions whilst watching the rumble in the jungle. I know.

But the real story of the weekend, once again, lay with the frailties of my mind. They are still there, and will most probably be there for the rest of my life, but the most important thing of all is how I react to them. I did alright this weekend. There were positives and negatives to be taken from the negative situation, but I will fight on. As I tend to.