Defeating the Stigma

I've felt pretty good the last few days. The last couple of weeks really, since that poor week I had, have been relatively grand. I've been motivated at work, sociable, happy, talkative. Everything I like about myself has been exposed in the last couple of weeks and I hope this continues for as long as possible. It won't last forever, of that I'm certain, but if it lasts a while longer, I shall be just fine.

There's no point in trying to convince myself that happiness is a constant feeling. For everyone feels dejected on occasions, although my despondancy comes in stronger doses. It's important to appreciate that melancholy will rear it's unwanted head on occasions, but its as equally important to enjoy the times where the illness gives you a break. It's also important to focus on life. It's a simple sentence. Focusing on different aspects of life is important if I'm to fight.

Sleep

This is a big issue for me, if not the biggest. I've jumped a lot of hurdles in the past few years, but a regular sleeping pattern still eludes me. It is possible to get by on an offbeat sleeping pattern, but it isn't exactly ideal. I've never been good with sleep. I'm not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. It takes me a good hour or two to become properly aware in the mornings, meaning I spend the first hour or so at work drifting from consciousness to gazing into the distance. I'm not quite sure if this is anyhow linked to my depression, for I have never been at 100% in the morning hours. Maybe it's just me, and will always be me, regardless of mental state. When I'm in the mirky midst of a bad stage however, I can sleep for unbelievable amounts of time. One night I can sleep for 16 hours, and then sleep for 4 hours the next night, which starts to get to you after a consistent period. Only a few times have these outrageous patterns lasted longer than a week, but even after a couple of days of it, I find myself straying into the mindset of a person who isn't quite connected with the outside world. Sleep is important for everyone, but even more so for me.

Food

At my best, I have a healthy appetite, as most of my friends will tell you. But just like most factors when depression is involved, you can go either one way or the other - either indulging hugely or eating next to nothing, sometimes in consecutive days. There have been times in the past where I haven't eaten anything in a few days, simply because I don't have the energy to. Other days, I have had the equivalent of 4-6 meals a day with constant snacks in between. I imagine it isn't healthy for me, but the reality is just that. I remember one specific time, (approximately), where one day I had a full English breakfast, a few snack bars during the morning followed by a fair amount of sandwiches and then a pub lunch on top. In the afternoon, I ate a box of cookies, chocolate and then a lot of fruit on top because I felt guilty of the unhealthy balance of food I had had that day. I then had a large dinner, followed by two helpings of dessert, then had supper before going to the pub. After the pub, we went to McDonalds where I had a large meal of some sort, and then stopped off at Tesco's to buy some more cookies for my night-time television watching. The next three days, I think I had a banana and some cereal. That's it. The colossal difference between the two is frightening, but I can have periods like that. Some of my friends have witnessed the "fat git" stage of me, (as they like to put it!), and I do sometimes wonder what they must think as they see me pig out on anything and everything. It's almost as if I'm making up for it by not eating anything for days afterwards, which probably contributes when it comes to the lack of energy I sometimes feel.

Alcohol

Now then. I think we all know by now that I like a drink. Bearing in mind that alcohol and depression are about as useful together as a toddler and a chainsaw, I get the impression I shouldn't drink so much. I'm not exactly an alcoholic, but the amount of times I've been left in a state of no repair, quite literally drowning my sorrows, is really quite startling. I think this is the only factor that has contributed to my depression in the past, that I had real control over. I have gone "out on the town" when I have felt bad, convinced I will feel better after a few JD's, but instead feeling like a mountain has dropped on the mountain already sitting on my shoulders. I can think of a few examples where I really should have known better than to go out and get bladdered, but I suppose I can put it down to 'experience'. I think I've learnt my lesson. I was invited to go out this very evening, but I had just had a difficult conversation with a romantic interest, (I'll say no more on that one), and going out to drink would have been the worst possible thing to do. I was feeling slightly down earlier after that particular conversation, and the "old me" would have accepted the invitation as an excuse to forget about it, only to probably find myself in a worse state later in the night. I know better now, and simply talked it through with a couple of people, and now I have ... perked up. This doesn't mean I will never go out again, oh no! I have a reputation to uphold after all, but I have, and will carry on, putting more thought into the times I go out and socialise against my mood. I think it will help everyone, most importantly, me.

Work

My job(s) in the past have usually been the original source of any anxiety I feel. I put pressure on myself to succeed, because I feel like I'm intelligent enough to be much higher than I am. Past comments from teachers, ex-managers and others point to the view that I should be in a much better career than the one I find myself in. I used to worry about that, but now I know that doesn't matter so much. As long as I'm happy, that is the main thing, and the job I am currently in is the most relaxed atmosphere one can possibly hope for in a workplace, which is exactly what I need. There is little pressure to exceed targets, although they are there, and because of that I am doing much better performance wise than if I was constantly hounded to reach those targets. If I am under pressure at the place I spend most of my week, on past experience, I will tend to feel more unhappy for longer periods. Anxiety leads to depression I find, and the majority of the anxious periods I have experienced stemmed from negative happenings in the workplace.

Those are just a few factors, among others, that contribute to my mood. My sleep at the moment is as good as it ever has been, (although still not that great). I've been eating on regular occasions, but not too much or too little. I've had a little dabble in the alcohol world recently, but making sure I was in a mood that wouldn't result in disastrous consequences before doing so and work is as comfortable as it has been for the past few months, although the oncoming Christmas rush may test my resolve over the next 6 or so weeks.

It is a difficult illness to get your head around. 1 in 4 people suffer with symptoms conducive to mental illness, yet the stigma surrounding it is so great, that in times of loneliness and suffering, you are even more compelled to stay silent. People worry they will be looked at in a different light, but the past 6 months especially have convinced me that this isn't the case. It is important to talk about these things, in whatever way you think will help you. I type my thoughts on to a computer screen. Some occupy themselves using exercise as a tool of letting loose. Others may just want a chat.

Everyone is different, but everyone should appreciate that depression is one of the most laborious and gargantuan illnesses out there, simply because of its invisibility. It's ability to eat away silently at your personality is a scary thought, and one that is a reality for so many people. I don't want to stay silent, but educate people. And I hope this blog, whether it be 1, 100 or 10,000 people that read it, does just that.