"A Cricketing Dream" - The Greatest Read

A few days ago, I was browsing Amazon and fell across a fictional cricket book. These are not very common, and I remember looking avidly a couple of years ago for something similar so thought I would invest £7 in a fictional story of the sport I have fallen in love with. Only upon purchasing it, (and subsequent despatch), did I realise I had purchased a book aimed at 10-12 year olds. Great. I had wasted an albeit small amount of money on a pointless book that would be useless.

It turned up yesterday, and has sat on the table looking forlorn and wasted. Only this afternoon, whilst trying not to drift off to sleep after a pretty hectic weekend did I pick it up. Reading the blurb was pretty tragic, but I opened to the first page to be treated to a first chapter that was a whole two pages long, and read it. Despite obvious doubts, what I was treated to was 62 pages of fictional brilliance. Yes, it's aimed at 10 year olds and to a 10 year old, it might seem like a story of inspiration, but to a 21-year old cricketer who knows the game at least a little bit, it was a story of absolute hysterical comedy.

Comedy you say? It certainly wasn't intended to be, but towards the end I found I was crying with laughter. There were literally tears streaming down my face, and now I shall tell you why.

I know it is a fictional story, but bear with it and think about the ridiculousness of it if this were to happen in real life, or in any other sport. The story is about a 13-year old lad called Matty. Matty is the son of a successful club cricketer, nicknamed 'Typhoon' for his immense hitting power and match-winning performances for successful side Southlands, who won national competitions and honours. Except Matty isn't a very good sportsman. He's tried his hand at football, tennis and a handful of others, and found that he is useless at all of them. Walking past Southlands Cricket Club one day, he sees a group of similarly-aged people training and decides to go in and get involved. In his first training session, he is ridiculed by the others for being terrible, not being able to catch a ball, hit the ball or even stop the ball in the field. He is persuaded to carry on by the coach, (nicknamed 'Simple') and he comes back to training for the following few weeks. Except he isn't really very good. However, he plays in one game for his Under 14 side, getting no runs whatsoever and playing rubbish in the process. He is invited along to watch the senior side on a Saturday afternoon play in the top tier of their senior league to see how it is done and somehow becomes 12th man for them. This is the point where I begin to get sceptical. Why would a 13-year old who has only been involved with the club for 3 weeks, be 12th man for a premier division side? What if he's needed on the field? Anyway. He isn't needed, and he carries on doing 12th man duties throughout the rest of the season, where the senior side reach the 'National Cup' final. A huge achievement for the team.

In real life terms, the National Club Championship Final is a match played by two very, very good club sides at Lords after a gruelling season of cup ties played nationally. Lords, "The Home of Cricket", is one of the greatest venues on the planet. This 'National Cup' final is the fictional equivalent, played at 'The London Cricket Ground'. In a phenomonal version of events, the team's usual scorer is taken ill on the day, meaning the team does not have an official scorer. Somehow, despite only being involved for a few weeks, this Matty lad, at 13 years old, is invited to score for the National Cup Final. How does he know what to do?! Anyway. This is merely the tip of the iceberg...

Southlands are facing holders Elton CC in the final, who possess some of the best club players in the country. They even have a former Pakistani international in their midst, so they are formidable opponents. In the warm-up, two of Southlands' players collide in the field as they try and catch the same ball, and are ruled out. With two players down, the coaching staff scour the crowd for replacements, before ... For some unknown and crazy reason, someone suggests that Matty plays.

"No f***ing way!", I exclaimed as I burst out in a fit of laughter!

I know this is fictional, but it is ludicrous. Matty has played 1 game of cricket EVER, scoring no runs AT ALL against his OWN AGE GROUP, yet all of a sudden he is being called up to play in the biggest match that club cricket has? Facing former international players? Was there literally no one else? Was there not anyone else from the club watching who could step in? Someone who has actually scored a run? I cannot explain how ridiculous that is! It is the equivalent of starting to play football, not really being able to kick the ball at all, and still being called up to the play in the FA Trophy final at Wembley. Or not being able to hit a tennis ball with a racket whatsoever yet still being invited to play at Queens on a wildcard. Are 10 year olds that are reading really going to think that it is possible to do that?

Anyway. Matty does play. For some unfathomable reason, after going to just 4 training sessions and playing in 1 largely unsuccessful game, this 13 year old boy is playing at Lords in a senior cup final. Naturally, he is stuck at fine-leg, (although given the ridiculous nature of the story, I wouldn't have been surprised if he opened the bowling), and Southlands start well. The reigning champions, Elton, are 12-4, when their batsman balloons the ball up in the air towards Matty at fine-leg. I was half-expecting him to take a flying one-hander, but naturally, he drops it. Then he starts crying. Of course he does. That batsman goes on to make 130-odd and Elton post a challenging target. Matty is left thinking he's let everyone down.

I forgot to mention also, that this match is on TV. As if the whole occasion wasn't weird enough!

So, Southlands begin their chase and start off well, needing something like 50 off 80 balls with 7 wickets in hand, when a collapse ensues. The middle order buckle and it comes down to needing 13 runs off 2 overs, with 2 wickets in hand. 13-year old Matty is padded up, due to come in at Number 11 at Lords in a National Cup final, having never scored a run in his entire life at any sort of level. Nothing is said about the fear he must be feeling. No mention of the emotion of the situation. I can tell you now, if that was me in that situation, as a 21-year old with 3 centuries to his name, (albeit against opposition that are nowhere near national standard), I would be absolutely terrified. Yet this kid is absolutely fine? Yeah. Right. Eventually, Southlands scrape their way to needing 6 off 2 balls, then the Number 10 batsman gets out. The equation is this:

Southlands need 6 to win off 1 ball. With the Number 11 batsman, a 13-year old novice, coming in to face his first ball against a former Pakistani international bowler. Can you guess what happens?

Of course it does. Despite having a total of 0 career runs, SOMEHOW, young Matty, at 13 years old in front of TV cameras, manages to dispatch a presumably pacey former international bowler for 6 to win the cup for Southlands. I KNOW IT'S FICTIONAL, but I was quite literally rolling around on my bed laughing my head off. What nonsense is this? What was I actually reading?

If this is a book aimed at 10-12 year olds, isn't it going to make them think that they should be playing at Lords in a few years? Wouldn't it make them think that they can hit international bowlers out of the park with ease? I did get the impression that it might make some youngsters irrationally think they should be playing in these sorts of games at their age. But I only thought about it properly after I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was remarkable.

After thinking I had wasted £7 on a children's book, it was in fact £7 spent on the most entertaining read I've had in a long while. 10/10! (But don't read it if you're actually 12 years old! Don't put yourself under that sort of pressure!)