On Sunday 8th April 2012, I said this:
"I've quit. Quit with immediate effect, because I cannot, and will not, sit here and accept being bullied by an elitist organisation with tendencies of extreme favouritism. Sounds drastic? Maybe, but this is the final straw in what has been a series of huge mistakes"
This was of course a quote about my refereeing days. The time when I felt I had been mistreated and took a stand against it. I was incredibly aggrieved, maybe rightly so, but I too made some mistakes during that stage. I maintain my opinion was valid, but the way I communicated them was not so. Using social networks to express opinion is a dangerous thing, especially when it comes to work. Ok, refereeing was not my "official" job, but I was still representing the FA. I should have found another way to express my annoyance, and using Twitter wasn't the way to do it. Going to the press afterwards however was a stupid move. I knew it at the time, and I know it now. If you read my blog post about it, I think it was obvious I had severe doubts. Although I don't do regrets, this was an exception to the rule. It was a mistake, and a mistake I thought had ended my refereeing career. It might well be a mistake that still has ended it. At the time, it didn't bother me so much as I was going to take a break anyway. But now, after 10 months out of the game, I realise I miss it so much. Someone asked me yesterday, "Why do you miss refereeing?" ... I don't know... The buzz of it all, the excitement of being involved in the game and making decisions and the pressure. It's a feeling I won't forget and it's a feeling I miss. So, after a long break and a few weeks of internal back and forth, I have decided. I want back in.
I know. The words, "I will never represent my county or the FA again" have been ringing around my head for weeks and weeks now, and I've been grappling with the thought of going against my convictions of that day in April. I honestly never thought I would walk out to officiate again, but here I am with the very real possibility of that being the case. This is of course, if I am allowed back in... It may be a while ago, but I'm fairly sure my actions have not been forgotten... Will they allow me back as if nothing happened? I'm not sure. On the other side of the coin though, I technically did nothing wrong. I didn't. I was naive in thinking I was doing the right thing by going to the national press about it, and thinking that would somehow make things better, but my opinion wasn't grotesque. It wasn't wrong. I just communicated it in the wrong manner.
I think I'll be a better referee for it aswell. I've matured slightly, gained more confidence that I didn't have a year ago, and I have found renewed enthusiasm in officiating. Already, I have received some questions about why I'm doing it. Why am I going against my convictions? It sounds bad... But I firmly believe some things are best left in the past. This is a good move for me, so why not? It will improve my fitness, get me back involved in the sport that is my first love and I'll be able to provide opinion on refereeing at all levels with the knowledge that I am actively involved.
I will change one thing though. I will not be involved in any county matters, (I wouldn't even if they allowed me to), and I will simply stick to refereeing and nothing else. Last time out, I got too involved on county matters and that ultimately led to my downfall. I believe a lot has changed there now, so hopefully, it is a lot more structured. I will also probably have to go a couple of seasons of simply officiating without reward, (for example, I'm not expecting any cup semi final or final appointments quickly!), but that's fine by me. I just want to be back involved. I lament how very few of my friends and family saw me officiate, and I'd love to showcase my talents for them. I believe I was a good referee, and hopefully I can get the chance to pick up from where I left off.
This hasn't been an easy decision. I am well aware that I am going against what I said last year, and it has troubled me slightly, but sometimes moving on is the best thing. There is no point languishing on pastures old. Sometimes, you've just got to move on.
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2 comments:
Woah, a bit on the arrogant side!
You say returning to refereeing will be a good thing for you ... but have you considered whether it will be a good thing for refereeing (or football)?
You want to showcase your talents ... again, a pretty arrogant statement. You've decided you have talents that need showcasing, so are you one of those refs who think the game is all about them and need to be the centre of attention? Sounds like it to me!
You think you were a good ref ... show me any ref who doesn't think the same thing about himself!
If this arrogant persona is how you've portrayed yourself to The FA and your County FA, don't expect them to welcome you back with open arms and a smile on their faces.
A genuine level of humility on your part is what's needed here!
I agree, there are a couple of phrases in here that come across as a little arrogant - something I didn't realise at the time of writing! The phrase "showcasing of talents" is the wrong word to use when it comes to officiating. Referees shouldn't be the centre of attention, and that was never my style of refereeing when I was a referee! Never intended to come across as arrogant. I haven't portrayed myself in that way when enquiring about my possible return.
I'm not too sure what you mean when you say, "will it be a good thing for football?" .. I am making a u-turn, (or at least attempting to), but I'm not sure my return will cause shockwaves throughout the football world! Lets be honest!
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