The Biggest Moment of Your Life

Since coming out, I have been very humbled to find people coming to me for advice. People from school, people from the various sports clubs I've been to and acquaintances made over the years. Advice on how to do it themselves. It is the climax of a sometimes terrifying personal journey and I know for a fact there are many people out there who do not know what to do. This blog post is for them. This blog post is for anyone who loses sleep at the very thought of telling people. It is difficult to describe for someone who is unlucky enough to not go through this experience. And yes, you did read that right.

Ultimately, despite some horrific moments of self-torture and nearly drowning in tears, I would say my journey made me much stronger. It gave me character and a backbone. It gives me strength knowing I have come through one of life's tougher journeys. I now have the confidence to come through any challenge that comes to me in my own life, knowing I have got through one of life's more difficult ones.

So, you might be struggling. It is important that you accept that it is in no way shape or form "abnormal". It doesn't change who you are by any stretch of the imagination. You are not suddenly expected to act camp, go on huge shopping trips or stand for being classed as people's "GBF". You are the EXACT same person as you were before. Nothing has changed. That is the most important thing to remember.

Of course, the first thing you need to work out is if you WANT to tell people. I know LGBT people who never actually "came out", and are in happy and successful relationships. "Coming Out" is not compulsory. Personally, telling people was the final step to completely accepting who I was. For many others, telling people is simply not hiding ones true self and an act of fortitude. It certainly isn't a crime to not tell people, but be ready to be asked questions when the time comes that you walk in hand-in-hand with that partner you meet.

Most people reach the stage where they are desperate to be themselves in a social environment. Where they can get away with commenting on a good-looking guy or girl that you saw on TV last night without people turning to you in wide-eyed shock. And most people reach the stage where they find it impossible to know how to tell their loved ones. And then fear the reaction when they do find what to say. This is the most difficult part. It is not easy. It is quite possibly the most difficult phrase to come up with. But there are 3 points to remember:

1) First Up - Tell someone you KNOW will be understanding.

If you are lucky enough to have open-minded friends, the reaction from them will almost immediately be one of happiness. It is how it works. They will be delighted that you felt you could confide in them first and be wholly supportive. They will not turn from someone of happiness to someone bigoted because you happen to like same-sex relationships.

THE GOLDEN RULE: The human race is more understanding than you think.

If you feel you cannot confide in your friends, (maybe they are hard-acting "lads" who you feel may laugh it off), then start at work, university or college. Tell your manager, your lecturer, your teacher. Their job is to be supportive. They will not put you down, because their job would be on the line if they did. And that doesn't mean they will just say the right thing, but secretly think it horrible. Remember the golden rule.


2) Give people hints. There is nothing wrong with people speculating. It will lessen the shock when the time is right to tell them. Maybe ask people their views on sexuality or make a comment or two on sexuality issues in the media, or on famous stars that have come out. That's exactly what I did when I came out "en masse". And a couple of people picked up on it.

I will not lie and tell you everyone will be jumping around in celebration as you tell them. Some people WILL be shocked and surprised. Not everyone will be delighted at your bravery, but instead be more conservative and simply say, "cool" or "ok". You may be unlucky, and lose a few friends over the matter. But ask yourself this. If they do not like it, are they worth your friendship?

It is important to appreciate that people may be surprised. But their initial reaction will most probably not be their long-term reaction.


3) Try and rationalise the fear.

The fear of the reaction far outweighs the reality of it. That is a fact.  If you live your life in fear of the reaction, you will simply never get it out. One friend told me, in the comments section of my first ever blog post in fact, to simply feel like you're jumping off a very high diving board. It is scary. But ultimately, the risk of hurting yourself is low.

I can tell you, the relief after you first tell someone is one of the greatest feelings on Planet Earth. And trust me when I say, you cannot reach your full potential with a black cloud hanging over you. If you are reading this - you might be a good friend or maybe you don't know me whatsoever - please feel like you can ask me for any advice at any time. Honestly.

And to those of you I know are going through this journey - good luck. You will come out the other side, I am sure of it. Remember the golden rule, keep the fear under control, and you will get there.

It DOES get better...