Happy Little Pill

That's the title of a new song by actor, YouTuber and singer, Troye Sivan. I can relate to the lyrics quite well. Catchy song as well. I now have happy little pills of my own, (technically I've had them for nearly two months now), not that they're making any sort of difference.

I know what's going on. Its all me. I have been given every opportunity under the sun and I have everything. I have or have had a loving family, friends, hobbies, a proper education, experiences, freedom. I've been given everything and now I'm not and I don't know how to handle it. So much so that I'm just giving up. Things happen in this life where in the past, it would have made me upset. Now I just don't care. Why don't I care? I've gone past the stage of being upset and crying at everything to just... Complete blankness. I've never felt like this before. I've never reached this stage.

The only time I feel alive is when I'm drinking. I know I can't turn to that as a long term solution, as I am more intelligent than that, but every weekend, I go out and feel alive again. Just for those few hours every week. I shouldn't. It doesn't help me and the doctors say alcohol is off limits, but without it, I'd be a literal recluse. For the rest of the week, I'm locked away, quarantining myself in my bedroom or if I'm feeling adventurous, the kitchen. The animals we have are getting on my nerves more than they should do. The only reason I go to cricket on the weekends is that I don't want to alienate the only people who don't really know what's happening to me. Most of them anyway. Even then, I can't concentrate on the job in hand. My thoughts fly around before I realise a red ball is coming towards me and I have to do something with it. After a while of trying to bat normally and like I have done pretty successfully in the past, I just throw a bat at it. If I get out, so what? There are more important things my mind needs to be occupied with. But then when I sit there, out for single digits again, I can't think of anything. Round and round my head goes. How much longer can I extend this act for before team mates start realising that something is seriously wrong?

And then I get home, walk straight through my door and in a straight line to sleep. No shower. No dinner. I just need to stop thinking. Take me back to the world of my dreams where I can be anything I want to be and not this mess I am at the moment.

I want this to end.