The Future and The Past

In terms of blogging, this site has (once again) become redundant. However, I want to use this space to let loose some honesty. Every now and then, events happen in life that cause people to begin gossiping. The number 1 past-time for the Great British public.

Other people.

I remember, just over 10 months ago, I wished everyone a fabulous 2014 before drowning my liver with copious amounts of cider and Jack Daniels. That New Year's Eve night was brilliant, but the year as a whole has been one catastrophe after another, with odd moments of brilliance sandwiched in to make it bearable. Some of them created by mistakes from myself, some of them not. Within these very pages, there have been commitments to the future that have passed me by in the blink of an eye and not adhered to. The apparent happiness of accomplishments that, long term, throw me into another shit storm of uncertainty and unpredictable behaviour. The diaries of the dark days, now with an explanation that matches the madness. The prose that left its readers feeling down, let alone the author...

The last few months especially have been extremely difficult and eye-opening. In many ways this stage of my life has also provided inspiration, so there's a piece of positivity for those of you who, like my Dad, are the glass half-full types. I've met a lot of new people, most of whom have been exceptional people to meet, and have really got me thinking about my own life and where it is heading. Am I the kind of person who could feasibly manage working in an insurance office? No. In all honesty, it didn't take me that long to work it out, but no. Let's be honest here, I don't want anything like that. I want to write. So, I've invested in time to do just that. Write. I'm writing an anthology and have just restarted a novel and I spend my spare time, notebook in hand, jotting down ideas that pop into my head and developing characters and plots. I've reached a point in my life now where I just don't care for other people's views on what I should do with MY life.

In the last six weeks or so, I met a group of 35 inspirational people in the heartland of capital city. I was invited to go on the Stonewall Talent Programme - A program that teaches you to be authentic in life as an LGBT role model. The three days I was there were extremely eye-opening, emotional and quite frankly brilliant. I walked away from the programme with a whole new idea of where I wanted my life to go. 5 weeks later and I was back in London for the reunion and everyone seemed shocked yet inspired by my choice to go for my dreams. I suppose its kinda Hollywood but so what?

 Life is indeed too short right?

That lesson is one that was horribly confirmed to me last night when someone reminded me about the loss of someone who has a special place in my heart. Mattie was my first boyfriend, secret, and special. The times we spent together were magical. He was the most caring, understanding person in the entire world. He knew I wanted to come out in my own time, and didn't pressure me whatsoever into doing it for the purposes of our relationship. He helped me do just that. He was also one of the funniest guys I've had the pleasure of meeting. He used to joke with me that I wasn't a proper gay because I'm not particularly camp! All in jest of course. Meeting him for the first time, (of course in a bar - where else?) left me gob-smacked with his openness and honesty. I suppose I learnt the positives of being as open as I am because of him. We just clicked. I haven't felt like that since, and I miss that feeling. And now he's gone, another victim of the roads. So young.

But, as my Father says, life goes on. I have to think of my own future and do what's best for me instead of just tip-toeing around other people's opinions of what I should do. Its a lesson most people learnt years ago, but I'm just getting to grips to.