I Don't Want To Be Here Anymore

I am so scared. So, so scared.

The first time I ever dragged myself to a doctor to try and explain my inner most thoughts, I was given a form. For those of you who have faced what I face, you'll know what I mean. The very last question is one I was shocked to see the first time, but it's a question I've been asked multiple times since.

"Do you have any thoughts of hurting yourself or thoughts of suicide?"

0 - Never
1 - Some days
2 - Most days
3 - Every day

It's a shock to be asked that by someone you've never met. I don't think I've ever put anything other than 0 when this question has been asked of me, but for this last month or so, I'd put a 2.

It is that bad.

I don't want to die, but I ain't keen on living either. That Robbie Williams lyric that encapsulates this whole fight. If I could get away with hiding in my bedroom for evermore, without feeling eternal guilt and that I'm letting everyone down, I would.

But I can't. It's always the same cycle. I just wonder how many lives I have left, before jumping from the burning building is a better option than fighting it's flames.

I would love nothing more than to wake up tomorrow, bright-eyed and bushy tailed and attack Monday morning but I want to do nothing but sleep at the moment. Escape this nightmare that I'm experiencing and dream good things.

Happy things.

I'm sorry for draping this in negativity but... Everything is so bleak at the moment. My choices are waring thin and my mind, so foggy. I feel under the most intense pressure to turn up to work tomorrow morning, but I can't face it. Why is that so bad? Why do I feel like a complete failure thinking that? I need to keep myself physically safe and going outside these four walls at all does risk that.

It does.