Recent Troubles

Whatever happens in this world of mine, one thing will always be constant. I will always struggle with what they call 'The Black Dog'. Unless I am completely vigilant, 100% of the time, there will always be times when I just can't manage.

That is my life.

I've had a lot of time off work recently, odd days here and there to try and regroup before I continue trying to fight against it. Always the old questions.

"I don't know what the future holds."
"I feel extremely alone, but I don't want company."
"What do I have to look forward to?"

I don't want to sound negative, (or more so) but I am resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to start again somewhere. This current arrangement isn't working. I can't move away from Bedford, for my agoraphobic ways may stop that, but I have to make changes again.

I don't know how to explain it. The amount of times my Mother has tried to coax information out of me, trying to work out what is wrong and how to tackle it. I don't even know how to explain what is happening inside my head. The times I feel like I just want to end it all; I feel guilty for even thinking about it, but it's the reality of the situation. The times when I feel so down that I physically can't get out of bed, I know there is nothing I can do but wait for it to pass. As long as I hold on to the thought that these feelings will pass, everything will be okay.

Sometimes it's beyond tough. And that's going to be the word of the day for the foreseeable future and into the winter. Tough.