Opening Up

Ever since that interesting, eye-opening, gut-wrenching, tear-inducing, body-weakening, some would say, "disastrous", weekend in Manchester over a month ago, I have worked on opening up more. It's been difficult at times and I still don't trust that people understand.

I have talked to people a bit more, I think. Tried to convey how I'm feeling with things and issues, but all I seem to get is generic cheering up techniques. The same old sentences over and over again. There are 2 people who I think understand me a little bit. AK, who is trying his hardest to try and fathom what is going on in my head, even at this moment, despite me still trying to unravel it all myself. And there's CC, who has been through a fair share himself, and works on me trying to accept who I am, and was probably the person who first worked on me trying to accept who I was and getting it all out there.

Everyone else, despite being kind and having good intentions, I feel, just don't understand what I'm trying to do or say. I get the feeling they're listening to what I'm saying, but instead of taking their time and thinking of advice they could tell me, they veer off and change subjects or say the same old generic sentences that always comes to mind in these situations.

"Things will all be good soon, you've got Uni in September!"

Yeah. I know that. But what about the here and now? Let me tell you what I think the current situation is.

Manchester happened. There is no way I can change what happened, and to be honest, I'm not sure I would want to. Probably the alcohol and hospital bit, but the rest, I think, has done me well. In the immediate aftermath, there were a couple of chats, that progressed and I told Mum especially, what was going through my mind. Despite this, and my promises that I would tell her things more often, just go and moan at her, it hasn't happened. I don't like moaning, it just makes me think I'm shifting my problems on to someone else's shoulders and I know for a fact that these people have their own problems to deal with. In these original chats, Mum was sat on the edge of my bed and told me that being bisexual was "my own choice". She also said that, "everyone feels down occasionally, that's just life."

She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand. So how are you supposed to talk with someone who doesn't understand? This isn't a "They Don't Understand What I'm Going Through" lecture, I mean, I genuinely don't think they understand. They've never had to go through anything like this before, and I suppose it's as daunting for them as it is for me.

There is only one solution. As AK pointed out, I need to tell them they don't understand, but, as he also pointed out and I damn well know, it's easier said than done. As someone once said to me, I think I need to imagine I'm jumping off a high diving board. Just go for it.

But, I'm getting distracted. I'm doing a generic subject change. Maybe a subject change is needed. Too much talking equals too much thinking and these days, too much thinking is bad. Apparently.

Right, I'll move on. Time for some generic, boring stuff. How many times can I use the word generic in a post? Today has been largely un-interesting, with the promise of a net session in the evening, that I looked forward to a lot during the humdrum of the daytime, because of the simple fact that there was nothing else to look forward to. It turned out to be very average and rather cold, despite the banter over our South African prodigy. So not a good day all-round really.

Tomorrow brings another football match to officiate, albeit as an assistant, which will bring in some much needed money and a distraction from the generic life I lead. Damn it... Stupid word.. As for the weekend, the return of Ridgway is imminent which means a couple of visits t'pub for a pint of t'ale or 7 and the usual quota of football, including an important cup semi-final, which I won't be too bothered about as usual. Sigh...

Apologies also for not being more sarcastic and "punny" in my post, as requested, but this post was more aimed towards my wellbeing than others, humour. Understood I hope!