The Saturday Night That Never Happened

It had been a good week. The response from my previous important blog was better than I could ever have imagined, I had been busy, mixing a good amount of working hours and volunteering at the club mixed in with sociable times. It was the perfect mix. My spirits at work on Friday were the best I have ever remembered. Even waking up on Saturday to go and help with manual labour at the club was absolutely fine. I was happy.

I was looking forward to a night out in Birmingham. For once, I felt like I had deserved it. Ok, I was a little tired and the train journey there annoyed me somewhat as I missed my original train and had to buy another ticket for a longer and ultimately louder train. But once I got there and the others had eventually turned up and we were at the travelodge, I lightened up a bit and was looking forward to a good night. Even if I did feel a tad left out as they had all bought matching t-shirts and I was left with nothing. Plus, they'd all created these phrases from their night out on Friday, that I had no clue about. But these were very minor details.

I don't know why I went mad. Again. It was one of those nights. Maybe I thought I had deserved it a little too much. Maybe I thought I could take all of the alcohol I had, but obviously, in hindsight I couldn't. And I really should have realised that. There are only so many times you can use it as a "learning curve". I KNOW what my limit is, but for some stupid and incredible reason, I somehow let it go beyond that again. In the past, these situations haven't been good ones to end up in, but I ended up safe. Only once did I leave myself in a compromising position, in Manchester on "that night" I mentioned. On Saturday night, I was not so lucky. I'm not going to say what happened. Frankly, I will do anything to go back and change what happened that night, but I know I can't. I've been stewing over it ever since it happened, trying to distract myself with typing seemingly humorous posts on Twitter and what not, but I can't ignore it any longer. This is the only way I can let loose my frustrations, as I tend to. Saying what exactly happened though will not help how I feel, so I never intend to, to anyone. The three friends I was out with know what happened, and hopefully they will be the only ones to know.

It wasn't their fault either. I was idiotic enough to walk off, in a drunken rage I suppose, on my own in a strange city, and ultimately I paid the price. Is it a lesson learnt? How many times have I said I've learnt a lesson and I do it again? Honestly, I have no idea when I'm ultimately going to grow up. I realised earlier that I have a reputation when it comes to drinking, alcohol and "going out" and although that was a laugh a couple of years ago, I'm not sure I want to be tarnished with that brush now. There is nothing wrong with going out, getting drunk and having fun. I will continue to do so, but I have given myself two conditions:

1) I'm not going to go anywhere that isn't Bedford, (or at MOST it's surrounding areas). Sounds boring? Maybe. But at least I can navigate where I am. Not get lost and end up in dangerous situations.

2) If I let myself get into a situation like I did on Saturday night again, (including being too drunk to realise what's happening), then I will take it one step further and leave drinking until special occasions. Not just going out for the hell of it.

I keep on thinking I have grown up enough, become mature enough and sensible enough, to not keep doing this to myself, but I haven't. I have the unenviable ability to get too hyped up on certain nights out, and this needs to stop. It's not healthy for me, and one day, it could get even worse. I was very, very happy to get back to work today. Which is a strange thing for me to say. A world of normality and in sensible surroundings is what I needed.

I'm glad I've typed this out. I might not have been as open about my weekend as I have been with other things, but that would only lead to a whole host of questions I don't want to answer. I think it's best if I move on, try and forget it ever happened, and carry on making progress. Progress has been good. Of course it has. This is just a setback. I was warned setbacks would occur, just I never thought they would be self-inflicted.

Onwards.