Scrooge

I'm a little concerned this evening, (or morning...), and I'm not entirely sure why. Or even entirely sure if I should be. It's officially Christmas Eve, and I find myself in the midst of a nervous patch. I have looked forward to this Christmas period for so long, yet as the big day approaches, I am starting to become anxious. Memories of the past few Christmas' have come flooding back, and the vision of me being the ultimate scrooge in times of bad, and although my circumstances have improved since the darkness of 2010, I still fear the rigmarole. The routine of Christmas morning, the visit of family members, even the pulling of crackers and pretending to laugh at the awful jokes. The realisation that when the afternoon comes, it really is just another day but with a bit more food. I am a firm believer that the build-up to Christmas Day is better than the day itself, almost like a night out that is billed to be the best one yet, then you end up carrying someone home at midnight through over-exertion. I miss the extended holidays, where you have three weeks to enjoy the mountaneous pile of presents you received to their fullest extent before going back to school in the middle of January. Playing outside in the snow until you become so cold that an ice cube has formed around your being. I think I know what the problem is. I'm growing up.

I don't like growing up. I miss being 12 years old, when the excitement of Christmas Eve was too much to handle, so much so, that the day drags so much and you end up crying through frustration ... Was that just me? ... Whatever. I'm concerned that I can no longer get away with being "the kid" and I have no choice but to be adult at this time of year. The fun has been extinguished to be replaced by an organised and efficient yuletide. I think I'm mostly nervous about the whole concept of family. I think it's clear to a lot of people, that I am not a family man. Christmas is a time where families spend time together, and this makes me nervous. Especially when it comes to family outside the immediate. Auntie, Uncle, cousins and this year, new additions. Everyone I know is pretty close to their cousins etcetera, but I am not. My Auntie and Uncle came into my place of work the other week and turned around in surprise as they remembered I did indeed work at a post office. My cousin deleted me off Facebook for some unknown reason a while back. It's just these sorts of things that make me wonder why all of a sudden, we have to act like we're the closest of family members at Christmas, when we're clearly not. Why do it for a day and then stop? We never talk. We never communicate in any way shape or form, yet suddenly at Christmas, we're one big happy family, before going back to normal on the 27th. Why?

Something tells me I shouldn't be airing family matters in here, because apparently it's private, but I think what I choose to tell is my own business.

Hmm... At least Boxing Day this year is going to be less drama-filled than last year, (fingers crossed). I do remember last year pretty well, as I was absolutely all over the show. This year, instead of going south to Portsmouth, I'm heading north to Manchester and to Old Trafford which should be a good day out. Plus, I'm confident that the gifts I've bought this year are pretty well thought-out, although technically, I didn't think them out at all. There are positives to be taken from this time of year, but I just can't help but feel anxious about it all. I haven't really felt amazing for a couple of days really, but that's simply due to a lack of activity. The antics experienced on a Friday night on the tiles, getting in at gone 5am, and then reverting to the sleeping pattern of an owl hasn't helped matters. Friday night was incredible. A night that you can look back on and stream out an hour's worth of memories on a rainy day. Awesome.

However, I fear that's as good as it's going to get. I'm still relatively sure that these 4 days I have off will be good fun, but there are going to be moments where I just want to be alone, when I can't be. It's just who I am. I can be a good laugh in company, and apparently I can be funny, but I don't think I can be in sustained company constantly. I need time alone, to gather my thoughts and compose myself before the next barrage of companionship. I'm not sure I'm going to get that in the next few days, and this scares me. Is that wrong? Sometimes I lament my differences. It's why I quite like my job. Although at times it can be monumentally boring, there are times I can just enjoy my own company and get paid for the priviledge. Sometimes, people annoy me and I don't know why. Sometimes, people's mere existence can get on my nerves. Sometimes, and only SOMETIMES, I do wish I was the only person on the planet. So I don't have to deal with convention. Does that make sense?

I'm going to give you a brief, appropriate example. Christmas cards. The practice of Christmas card sending. Why? Why do people do it? Spending money on sending a card, just to receive one back, sometimes spending pounds and pounds sending cards halfway round the world. I will never understand why people send hundreds of cards. Never. It's human convention, and people feel like they must do it. Just in case others get annoyed. Just like a lot of things in society, I do not and never will understand it.

I'll stop there before it turns into an extended rant. The old adage, 'Christmas is for kids', does make some sense. The presents, the excitement, the fun. It does evaporate. Even now.