2012 - We're Still Here!

Bearing in mind this time tomorrow I may be sinking into my drinking trousers, I'll use tonight to review what has been an interesting year. I've made progress, backed myself up on occasions and become more independent, but the battle continues. Though bearing in mind we've all survived the Mayan apocolypse, it's been an achievement for us all, no?

Putting last week's horror show out of my mind, I have reached the conclusion that 2012 has provided me with more moments that I can look back on and be proud of. I can safely say that I have done better in 2012 than I have done in previous years. By "better", I mean controlling my illness better, doing more to be proud of and being more secure. I have been in employment for 11 of these 12 months, I've been mostly comfortable at work and done well, but most importantly in my mind, I have held my own in situations where, in the past, I have crumbled. I have become more assured of my actions and been (largely) more confident in my own abilities and this is one thing I hope to improve on in 2013.

There are three moments in 2012... Three actions that I could not have dreamed of doing in 2011. The largest and most life-changing of these actions is without a shadow of a doubt, my "coming out". My close friends and family knew yes, but "coming out" to everyone, (or at least everyone who has Facebook and Twitter!) was a huge, huge step in accepting myself more than anything. The reaction I got just confirmed it, and I am now happy with that part of me, when this time last year, I wasn't. I can now be more open with who I am, and be myself around everyone. Not having to hide the facts is a huge relief. Not having to comment on "which girl you find the hottest" with any amount of seriousness and not having to deflect questions on the absence of a girl on my arm. Even having the licence to say Tom Daley is hot on Twitter is something I love having. I wouldn't have dared do such a thing 12 months ago.

Number 2 on the list is the FA fiasco. Way back in April, if you remember that far back, I was involved in a dispute with the FA that ended with me giving up my status as a football referee. I stood up for my own beliefs with surprising strength and carried out actions that I wouldn't usually have dared do. Going to the papers and defending myself is, again, something I would never have done 12 months ago. If you'd have asked me in December 2011, "Would you publish your beliefs in a paper when there is a risk of a backlash?", the stout answer would have been - no. No way. In April, it was a yes. That's huge.

And number 3, was the Bedford Cricket Club revolution. That Friday evening in September where I stood up in the heated auditorium of the pavilion and pretty much said that the management should go. The one person to instigate change, and once more, that wouldn't have been something I would even have thought about doing in 2011. I would have feared the potential loneliness of the situation too much and kept my mouth shut. But not this year.

I proved to myself that if I believe strongly enough in something, I will fight for it until change is made or I feel like I can do no more. For someone who doesn't like confrontation, or fight - that is a great achievement.

I don't have any resolutions for 2013 as such. I just want to continue the good work I've done in 2012 and build on that. I want to be able to believe in my abilities better and act on those beliefs. This evening, I have started that by jotting down a few ideas on a book I want to write. Instead of pressuring myself to succeed though, I'm just going to let it flow. Work on it when I want to work on it, and set no deadlines whatsoever. I think that's best. As for everything else in my life, I'm just going to wing it. See what happens, and just try my best.

For you can ask no more of a person.