The Future's Bright

It's more red than orange.. Red for danger, instead of orange for hope and ambition. Once again, I was left wondering to myself how I've let myself not fulfil the potential I know I have deep, deep, deep down inside me, at 4am, whilst baking bread. It sounds pathetic. I know I am better than this but most of me doesn't want to do anything about it. Why not? Surely every person on the planet wants to be the best they can be, so what is holding me back?

The work. Certainly the work. I can't face going back into education now after the horrific final year I had. It would kill me and take me back to the dark days. I have a fear of education, a fear of learning and revision and exams. Pretty much everyone dislikes it, especially exams, but the whole idea of education makes me feel physically sick. Like I have just eaten a Baked Bean and Cheese Muffin or downed 2 shots of Wray and Nephews..

Fear of failure? Maybe. I have always maintained I like to know what I am doing, however boring it is, and I don't like adventure and not knowing where I'm going to be. I have never known where I'm going to be mind you, and most of the time it doesn't bother me as much as it did tonight.. If I go back into education now and completely cock it up, I'd be left in the duldrums of blackness and left with nowhere to go. Maybe if I stay in work now, I will be able to work my way up in good time and do something with my life.. It all requires hard work though.. Mitten and hard work is a combination that doesn't go together.. Almost like cheese and baked beans!

I wasn't in the greatest of moods tonight. Clearly. I was physically tired after bowling 8 overs in the match I had promised myself I would play no part in and I haven't bowled 8 overs in a long, long time! My legs ached all night, and still do, and the dreaded Saturday night curse kicked into overtime as customers, mostly drunk, droned in in their groups and ran out again, before another group came in. I couldn't get anything done. Customers ruin everything in retail!

And guess what? I have another cricket match today! I'm going to be aching a lot when I wake up in a few hours time! Why do I do this to myself..?

Ciao x