Lying Low

I have tried to keep my head down in the last few days, trying to avoid awkward questions from people wondering why the hell I'm back in Bedford until people have forgotten about it, or enough time passes for it to become probable that I've given up on University. I think it goes without saying, that I haven't done a lot with my days unless you count the administration around officially leaving, and trying to sort out meetings with people who might be able to give me some idea of what to do next.

That meeting is tomorrow afternoon, and to be honest I'm dreadfully nervous. Its only your average meeting with a woman who may or may not give a rat's arse about my future or the welfare of my mind, but it's the first step to what needs to be done to give me any chance of succeeding in life. I have been thinking about what I've learnt from this experience, and what I need to do next, and I have a long list of things that went wrong, with a much, much shorter list of actually how to go about it. I know I need to have a positive mindset, I know these opportunities will not be given to me on a silver platter and I know I need to stop expecting things to happen quickly, but how do I change from the most negative of negative attitudes to the positive one that is required to get going? How can I be positive about the future, when I have no idea what the future holds, and most importantly, how can I permanently change my attitudes towards the things that must happen if I am to succeed? It's this, that I have no idea. And it's this, that I fear will be my downfall.

At the moment though, I have gone back to pure and utter basics. Trying to go to bed at a sensible time, waking up at a sensible time in the morning, (even if there is nothing to wake up for), and trying to get out of the house enough to stop feeling sorry for myself while couped up indoors. I have accomponied a noticeably strained Mother Mitten on outings to town and Tesco, just so I can feel like I'm doing something to help. I cannot imagine how frustrating this whole thing is for my parents. Mother Mitten seems to have expected this to happen, (which I don't blame her for), whereas Father Mitten has come out with a couple of cold comments that does little to improve my mood, but even I feel that some of these comments are justified. That is what they are like though, and I cannot complain about it, seeing as they are actually contributing to life, when I'm drifting through it.

The only silver lining from this whole thing is that I don't lose a penny from the course fees, accommodation fees and anything else that was needed, although I do feel a little bad for my parents and my sister for everything they bought for me to make the university experience that never happened, better for me. Mother Mitten even said that she will pay for a car for me, (with me paying back the money eventually, of course), if it helps me widen my search for employment, but I feel like I can't accept such an offer after all the things I've put them through. I seriously cannot comprehend how they are still so supportive, despite me disappointing them so often.

However, none of this seems to be enough for me to work hard and change this around. I feel stuck in the crevises of life, waiting for a door to open or an opportunity to arise instead of actually going out and finding and searching for opportunities. I have no idea how to go about it, and the mindset that is now engrained in my personality tells me to just give up, as there is nothing out there to look for. It's this that I need to change, and it's this that I have no idea how to. And it's this attitude, that I feel I cannot change, that scares the hell out of me.

However, I shall wait and see what happens in this meeting tomorrow. You never know, I may actually walk out of that LearnDirect building with some idea of where to go, but then again, maybe that's me expecting too much, as usual.