What Now?

There is one hour left of what has been the longest week of my life, by miles. Most of the week was spent either knocking on flat doors, discovering that the people I had landed with were my worst nightmare, and then the rest of my time spent couped up in my flat, doing anything to avoid them. Many of you have commented on what I have done. Most of you seem to think I should have given it a chance, with some of you thinking that I did the right thing to escape before it was too late. One thing I do know though, is that none of you realise what its like to have the mentality of a dead man, with no ambition at all. None of you know what its like to be stuck, at the age of 20, not knowing where to go next.

And that is how I feel like. I have no idea what to do, and I feel like I have simply had too many chances to simply experiment and throw it away before moving on. I cannot go on just trialling different career paths until I find something I can handle. It just sounds absolutely stupid. And even then I haven't got a clue where to start. My head is completely fried, and I'm not sure I can handle a lot more of what is, my life.

This afternoon, I had a welcome distraction in the form of refereeing my first game of the season, with your mediocre Under-16 game. It was boiling hot, and in October, it threatens to ruin your mindset, (as if I need anymore of that)! It went alright, with not many major decisions needing to be made. The only one being a huge penalty shout for handball, that I dismissed with your bog-standard grass-cutting technique. Otherwise, it was a stroll in the park in beautiful weather, even if I couldn't completely concentrate with everything else going on in my life..

Sigh.. This is going to be a long fight, and after a couple of occasions where I genuinely thought my depression had vanished, it emerges it is still buried deep down in my sub-consciousness, waiting for an abominable event or an erroneous experience to feast upon. I just don't know what to do.