2013 - New Year, New Me?

Happy New Year!

On New Years Eve, I saw a lot of the phrase 'New Year, New Me'. I then saw a lot of people complaining about the people saying that, so much so, that it got a bit farcical. You had people complaining about people complaining about being positive and it all got a bit silly. My own view was just to carry on, ignore the bad spots and relish the good, but it didn't quite work out the way I wanted or expected.

Something happened. I won't be telling you what happened, but in the early hours of New Years Day, something did. Something big. Something so big, it has meant I now have little choice but to change my life. Everything about it. Every little thing. From waking up, what I eat and more importantly, drink, my fitness and wellbeing and how I go about every single aspect of my life. Life is going to be different from now on, and unlike the other times I have tried this, I really am quite determined to do it. I owe it to everyone who have had to put up with my swings for years now. But, more importantly, I owe it to myself. I just cannot carry on the way I was, even if I was okay for the Summer months. It got more and more dangerous, more extreme and much more alarming. Just leaving things to build up. It's the habit of a lifetime, that I must change. So I have changed. I have no choice in the matter anymore. And this time, its permanent.

I know we've been here before. After "that night" in Manchester. After the meltdown my school exams and the stress of my first job bought. Even as recent as Christmas, I vowed I would change. But what happened on New Years Day changed everything. It was very real. Very scary. I need to get on with it though. No point looking backwards and stewing on it, but move forward and look to the future. But not too far ahead. Very fine lines. And I appreciate I'm being rather abstract and vague, but I wanted to let a few feelings out without actually saying what caused this latest vow of change.

What have I changed? Sleep has always been extremely difficult for me, but now I plan to go to sleep early EVERY DAY and wake up at 8am EVERY DAY. No excuses. No compromise. No option. It must be done. I think it's fair to say I like a tipple every once in a while, but alcohol has been the root cause of most of my "meltdowns" so no more of that. None at all. Not one drop. I believe they call it "tee total". I cannot risk falling away into a state of derision because of going overboard, however much I think I will "take it easy" on a night out. Alcohol is not the stimulant I once thought it was, but instead, a depressant. With me, it is simply too dangerous to drink. I cannot trust myself to do it properly, so I have left myself with little choice but to pack it in altogether. One thing, it will save my health, and save me from meltdown, but I'm sure my bank balance will also reap the benefits. I heard the sigh of relief from it anyway! Thirdly: fitness. I had planned to get up and going regardless of events anyway because I wanted to get fitter for the cricket season, something I didn't do last year and didn't do as well as I wanted because of it. This year, I have another excuse to run my socks off, and apparently, whilst doing exercise, the brain releases something called "endorphins", which sound like happy little things! And lastly, as simple and as basic as it sounds, I will talk. And believe it or not, this is the challenge that I am most nervous about. I still do not understand the benefits of "talking through problems". I cannot get my head around it. But I plan to do it regardless and see what happens.

They all sound like the most basic of things, but they were things I simply weren't doing. I'd wake up at midday, go to work for a few hours, come home and sit on the computer until midnight and go back to sleep. I found myself monumentally struggling on the days I do have a full day at work and in turn, that made me feel viciously tired, which in turn made me feel terrible. It's that vicious cycle that I thought was all that life had to offer. I do need a lot of sleep, that is something that will not change, but to combat that, I simply need to go to bed earlier. None of this "staring at the Twitter timeline" curse that I was stuck on. Writing it down, it looks so, so simple. But for me, it wasn't. It still isn't in many ways, but I need to stick with it and hope it'll happen. It better happen anyway...

And for the times I do find myself hunting for things to do, to fill these extra hours I've discovered, I have this exercise pledge to fulfil, but also my original "resolution", if you like, was to start writing a book. So many people have commended me on my writing ability, suggesting a career path in journalism or to write for magazines, but all of those require sacrifice. They all require a commitment that I can't make. At least with writing a book, I can take as long as I like, under my own terms, at the pace I want and with no one putting pressure on me to do it quickly. This sounds like the best idea to utilise this ability I've stumbled upon!

So yeah. It's been a very strange week. I can almost see you lot thinking, "There is no way he's going to live without Mr. Jack Daniels", but at the moment, that guy is my mortal enemy. After the Christmas and New Year festivities, no one really wants to go "out on the town" anyway, but I imagine when Summer comes along and those drunken Summer nights that have provided so many GOOD memories happen, I might well find it extremely difficult. And I may well crack. Ok, I'll stop... I'm starting to sound like I should be at an AA meeting!

This is a new year, and yes, it is a new me. But just as many people have already broken their new years resolution, I have just, at this very moment, realised that this isn't a new years resolution.

This is a new life resolution.