Contemplation

As I sit here, listening to a bit of Madness on this sunny but chilly Saturday morning, I am contemplating many things in my head. Things I have been thinking all night really, but haven't really had a chance to think over properly, due to the busy night we had.

I say, "many things", but I think it's just two things. One of them is university. University is something I thought I was adament that I had to go for in order to have an opportunity at some sort of a life, but the last couple of weeks have brought up subjects that have made me think twice about it. I told myself I wouldn't change my mind this time, but my head is reverting back to the old ways of thinking...

There are a few factors as to why I may be having a slight change of heart. One of them is the hike in tuition fees. £9,000 per year for a course that I'm not too certain will provide me with the huge choice in job opportunities that some may expect, is a very large amount. I personally think it's insane for students to pay such an amount, but times are hard and everyone has to make sacrifices I suppose. Another thing is the organisation needed at university. I'm not Mr.Organisational when it comes to things like finance and paperwork and, whilst having lunch with Pedantic Kettle, (yeah, ok, it's GREENWICH Mean Time, not GENERAL!), and Mother Kettle, he was talking about the 100-page documents and the frustration and that sort of thing really rubs me up the wrong way.. Not Kettle, but just the organisation of it all. Thirdly, Finally, and probably most importantly however, is the actual course. The studying. The deadlines. The essays, the revision. No one likes it, but I really, really, really struggle when it comes to it, and I'm honestly scared that I'll struggle in the most difficult of education environments.

And, I'll be honest some more, I thought the winter months were going to be incredibly difficult at work and I thought I may revert back to the old me slightly, but, I don't say this lightly, I'm fairly content at work at the moment. I know exactly what I'm doing and although I work with the annoying people I do at night, the job itself just flies by and I'm happy I get a good amount of money to work with every month. I enjoy having a car and having the freedom to buy things on a whim. I fear I may have to get out of a lot of habits if I go to university, and, not being the most strong-willed person in the world, the fear of failing is starting to play on my mind.

Ultimately, I'm scared of change. I hate the Conservatives politically, but I'm incredibly conservative when it comes to change in lifestyle and routine. The prospects of my life if I don't go to university are fairly grim, but they may not be so much better if I go and come out of university with £50k+ debts..

And what use is life when your constantly paying back debts?

I told myself I was never going to even question my decision this year, but I fear I may have gone beyond that already. At the moment, my mind is just, JUST, in favour of going. But my doubts are hugely greater than they were 6 weeks ago... I am just too scared about it.

The second thing I was thinking about was my back. Now, you may think it's slightly random, but I've had a week surrounded by injury, operations and physical pain and this morning, whilist doing the horrible weekend papers Part 1, I was greeted with a cynical pain in my lower back. I may have mentioned before that Father Mitten suffers from Osteo-Arthritis, and it's hereditary, which means I may get it. The pessimistic side of me reckons I may already be feeling the symptoms, but the optimistic side thinks its just Rupert Murdoch commissioning too many supplements for his newspapers. But it's not the best thing to happen whilst hauling around countless papers.

On the plus side though, I have declared November, "party month", as I go to Beddoe Land on the 21st and then the Crimbo do the week after, which means a fair bit of drinking and having a laugh, which, at the moment, I could well do with!

If I went to university, I suppose it would be, "party year, with a few desperate revision sessions thrown in". The good, the bad and the downright ugly.

Ciao x

Bye x