Questions Answered

Very rarely is a discussion about weather that interesting. When a discussion about the weather sparks up in conversation, you know you're struggling. This evening however, I continued what I had begun watching last week, in the shape of Stephen Fry : Live At The Sydney Opera House.

It was filmed in 2010, and despite me not being close to the intelligence, the wit, the absolute genius of Stephen Fry, I do relate to him in some ways, not least the mental side of things. He is a well-known sufferer of bipolar disorder, however, unlike me, has officially been diagnosed with it. I would just like to make plain that I have only ever officially been diagnosed with depression, and nothing more. However, the research I have carried out myself leans heavily in favour of a disorder called Seasonal Affective Disorder, (ironically abbreviated to S.A.D), which has similar symptoms to disorders associated with depression, but they come much more heavily in the winter season. Almost a case of more quality, with less quantity.

However, Stephen Fry has bipolar disorder, which is the movement of mood between severe depression and suicidal mania all the way to the other end of the spectrum, and delerious happiness. The most extreme of bipolar sufferers can one day feel as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, with only black times ahead, with the next day, feeling on cloud nine. I know this feeling, to an extent. I know how it feels to not have any hope for the future, and I can honestly say I've felt nothing worse. I'm fairly sure I will never feeling anything as bad, physical or emotional. On the up side, the happiness stages lead to inflicted people planning futures and throwing themselves into challenges, only thinking of a happy outcome at the end of it.

I'm waffling, as usual. Stephen Fry, in this simple conversation with Australian broadcaster Jennifer Byrne, spells out the highs and lows of what depression is. What it's like to have depression. It was amazing. And he used the weather to explain it.

When you are at your lowest low, it is like stepping outside to torrential rain. Something in your brain, everyone's brain, triggers to sadness and a miserable demeanour. You did not cause the rain, the weather makes up it's own mind. You cannot "walk off" the rain, and all of a sudden, it will be sunny. The two mistakes to make are 1) To deny it's raining, when it clearly is. You cannot deny something that is happening, and 2) That's it, my life is over. It's raining, therefore the Sun will never come out. It's the same with depression. When you are at your lowest, nothing seems possible. Life is black, your energy is horribly slow, there is no tomorrow. It is deadly painful. It is raining, and you think it will rain forever. But the fact of the matter is, the Sun will come out. It will. It has to. That is the thought you HAVE to keep in your head, during the darkest days, and even if it does seem impossible, and it seems like that thought isn't there, deep down, in your subconscious, it is. If it wasn't, I can assure you, the depression would have beaten me ages ago.

It is not a case of, "Snap out of it!" It is an illness, and an illness no one will understand unless you are unlucky enough to experience it yourself. I would like to try and make people understand it a bit more, as I get the impression that most people think it is a case of moping around in your own self-created misery. I will be the first to admit, that most of the problems I have experienced in the past few years have stemmed from issues I could have stopped. The problems I have now, I don't think are self-created. It has developed, and I deal with the subsequent highs and lows of it. This time last week, I was asleep, about to wake up to a vicious low that meant I ended up walking out of the house, and to sit on a park bench for hours. For ages, I sat and tried to think of the Sun coming out to disperse the torrential rain, but it was very hard. The Sun did come out eventually, and that is the thought I need to keep thinking. Sometimes it will be sunny, and sometimes it will rain. For this is life.

Another thing I listened to with great intent during this conversation was a quote from Oscar Wilde. It goes like this:

"If you never know what you want to be, if each day, you are unsure of who you are and what you know, you will never become anything. And that is your reward."

It is not a case of a simple clever quote, about not being stereotypical and going down a particular road. I will be honest and say, I am not too certain what it insinuates, but it is promising to see a quote with the phrase, "unsure of who you are and what you know", next to the simple word, "Reward". It's something I will be thinking about for a long time to come.

Stephen Fry, aswell as being a national treasure, involved with everything great about broadcasting, acting, comedy and writing aswell as presenting, is also a man that speaks great sense. He will obviously never read this, but I would like to thank him for making my mind so much clearer tonight. Questions that I thought would be left long unanswered, have been solved, thanks to a simple analogy and a quote, from the legend that is, Fry.