2010

This year. I seem to remember this time last year, I was sad. Hoping beyond anything that the year 2010, the start of a new decade, would produce magnificence. If not magnificence, then something. Anything that would be worthwhile. Anything worth boasting about or bragging about, anything that would make someone proud. Something life-changing.

It didn't come. It didn't happen. Instead, I learnt the one lesson that should of been learnt years ago. You don't get things handed to you on a silver platter. Even if part of me still has the same attitude, I know, deep down, that I need to work at things to proceed. Events won't just happen for the sake of happening. I learnt the lesson, but somehow, I have not acted upon it.

Maybe that's my resolution. To act upon the lesson I have learnt. If 2011 could skip to September, even bypassing the cricket season and the long, hot Summer, just so I could be away and seem respectable amongst peers. University would be here, and I could start again. Amongst new people, and new challenges, without the pressures of home pressed against my shoulders. I want it to come quickly now. I know the next few months are going to be near impossible, and 2011 will appear to turn out as bad as 2010 and 2009 were.

Looking back on the year, it's not all been bad, has it? I mean, I've had some work for most of the year, and despite me giving up as I tend to do, I haven't been under so much pressure from everyone else. I think most of the pressure has come from my own head, putting pressure on myself to better the people I get along with. I felt like I was being left behind by everyone in everything that life has to offer. Peers, moving on to bigger and better things, while I was left in the dust. It was my own fault.

And what is hopefully going to come towards the end of 2011, you must understand, is a huge risk for me. I don't do education. I don't do revision, or exams, or hard work, but there we are. Back at the ultimate lesson of life. Hard work pays off and laziness, or in other words, me, doesn't.

I look around my room now and I see reminders of how lazy I am, and have been. There is a dinner plate on the floor from earlier, along with a bowl and an empty cup, that I couldn't be bothered to make the small trip downstairs to deposit. My clothes from yesterday, in a pile by the wardrobe, left there for someone else to pick up. Letters from various banks and work and pay slips, in a pile for me to sort out. Not done so. I need to change, I need to get into habits that will make me an all-round better person.

I don't regret not being more of a family person. I like to keep myself to myself, and I think everyone in this house should accept that. By and large, they have done so, but on occasions, I feel they could have left me to make my own decisions, or mistakes, without throwing in their needless opinion. Advice it may be, but even if I act like a child sometimes, I need to make adult decisions by myself. I feel more comfort in telling problems to a few friends who I can trust to tell me what I need to hear, and not what I want to. Even if recently, they seem to have lost interest in my moaning. I don't blame them, I suppose.

As for everything else in 2010, I think it's been the same as it was in 2009. Not the greatest, but could of been worse, of course with good times, but, as with most things in my mind, mixed with the bad. I'm currently listening to a song called 'Changes' by Black Sabbath, which duly sums up my reflective mood at this moment.

Changes, are certainly what I will need if I am to survive 2011.

Bye x