Down And Nearly Out

It seems I am losing my battle against the Winter blues. I just can't think about positive things for a sustained amount of time, before the bad thoughts just enter my head. I don't know how it happens, but I just can't fight against it anymore. I am down and nearly out.

Tonight was very difficult. I had agreed earlier in the week to work tonight as cover after the manager sneakily rang on an unknown number. If I had known who was ringing, I wouldn't have picked up but it was a good ploy from the main man I suppose! I couldn't think of an excuse quick enough so just ended up agreeing. I didn't think I would be missing out on much, until I realised the cricket was on again and I would, once again, have to rely on texts from luckier people.

It seems I missed a lot aswell!

But I had a whopping headache tonight and matched with the fact that it was especially cold and dead, it was horrible. Fuel for the nasty thoughts going through my head all night long. At one stage, it nearly reduced me to tears it was that bad. It sounds stupid, but it is that horrid.

Things aren't going to get better, I'm afraid. As much as people say that it will, it just won't. I know I'm working 8 of the next 10 days and and I know 6 of those are with the ever-frustrating Wall. Whether I survive till the end is another question. You know I have talked about the times I explode out of nowhere? Let loose all my frustrations in one pain-stakingly bad episode? I fear it might be on it's way...

The last time that happened, all hell broke loose. People thought I had gone missing and everyone was so worried. I promised never to run away again, and I will stick to that. I will. But it won't stop me exploding.

I can't explain what I'm thinking to be honest. You have had to have some experience of depression to know what it feels like. It feels like there is no way out and that you are drowning in sorrow. Hence, "drowning your sorrows" I suppose.. It's hard to think positively in these stages. It takes physical effort and mental strength, things that don't appear in my vocabulary.

I just don't know anymore. Part of me is used to it, but part of me just wants it to end..