Reading The Past

I've just spent the last two and a half hours reading some of my former blog posts, trying to decipher what has been happening in my mind for the past year and I have come to the conclusion that nothing has changed.

I still think negatively, try and fight the negativity by thinking positively, being positive for a few days, before going back to being negative. The one trend I noticed after reading through the brief days with SmartMove, then the first job hunt, then the BP days and the struggle with the Wall up to recent times. The same cycle. Over and over and over...

I noticed one line aswell. I forget in which post, but I noticed. "If I don't have a job in February 2011, I may aswell just kill myself". Obviously, I meant if I hadn't found a job for a whole year, then I would die, but obviously BP came along. And I also noticed, that when I am out of work, my spelling and grammer become absolutely atrocious! Some of them are just typos, but some of them are just plain bad. I saw a sentence in one of my old posts. It said this:

"Their goal was a proper bad goal, And the Gaffer was'nt too happy either!"

I mean, that's just shoddy!

The Summer days were certainly much better. Longer, warmer and more light were contributing factors and I enjoyed the cricket season. It gave me something to look forward to, which is why I decided a few days back that I would put some money aside from my final, (but large), pay packet from BP to pay for the coming season. £30 registration plus around £7 per week for match fees. I need to play. I need something to look forward to. I have also asked myself whether I've made the right decision to leave BP. Most people would say, "no". It's a job and you need a job. They don't have to live with working nights and working with an epileptic though. It's all very well saying, "you need to stay in work", and I can see their reasoning, but when you actually have to do it...? Working through the night, working with someone who is clearly ill, and spending nights alone, with only your negative mind for company... I cannot explain how happy I am to be leaving that place.

And yes, in a couple of months, I may not have work and I may not have enough money and I may wish I had stayed there, but then I will remember the pain I felt at being alienated and the only company I would have was the worst human being on the planet. There have been times since I handed my notice in where I thought I was making a mistake, but ultimately, I don't think I am. I HATE being awake through the night, with NO ONE to talk to. I hate being alone.

That is one thing I will change from last time. The last time I was out of work, I spent all day asleep and all night awake and maybe that was part of the problem most of the blog posts were highly reflective and down. This time, I need to get into a .... into a ... routine. Eurgh, I hate that word. I need to be awake during the day, around people, talking to people, even if I am out of work.

It's easier said than done with me, honestly.

Looking on the bright side, I am working all of this coming week, (yes, including Xmas Eve, Xmas Day AND Boxing Day), which means double and triple time for my troubles which means much needed money for the future and, seeing as I won't have a job, a post-Christmas resurrection of the refereeing career. Part of me looks forward to it, and part of me, doesn't want to do it. This week at work incidentally, is my last ever full-time week at BP, as I've taken off 6th-7th January to attend my University interview at Bath University. Did I mention that? I've got an interview for my course, which is truly fantastic news! Magic Man told me, rather drunkenly admittedly, on Saturday, that an interview usually means they've practically accepted you. I won't take his word for it though! No complacency from Mitten.

I do want to start refereeing again, because it's refereeing. I loved and loathed refereeing so much before, becayse it's an adventure I need to keep me sane. And the money will come in handy aswell. I don't want to continue, because during the times I loathe it, (not often), it's horrible and refereeing adult football makes that more brutal. But I will definitely start up again. In fact, I will send a couple of e-mails now!

Whatever happens though, the next few months, (8 months at maximum if University works out), it's going to be tough. The parents will have a go at me at some points, and this blog will have parts where I talk about being so down that nothing can be done about it, but there will also be times of happiness and good times, and I simply have to revel in these times. For my own sanity.

There are things to look forward to. I'm going to Manchester at the end of January, even if my bank account screams at me, the cricket season, (despite yesterday being the shortest day of the year), is only getting closer and I've already paid for 5-a-side football for the next 10 weeks. Things will happen. And I am working for the next 3 weeks.

Things will get harder. Things will get tougher. I will need all of your support in 2011 more than ever, but good events will happen. All is not bad, and even though there will be bad times....

.... Oh, what's the point? 2011 is going to be exactly the same as 2010. Maybe from September onwards, it will be very different, but until then:

Up, down, up, down, my mind will go.

All The Best x