It's times like this that I wish I either was a) at school, b) at university or c) had a normal day job because it's times like this that I feel incredibly disheartened at the fact that every single person I know has come back from one of the 3 above options, and I cannot join them in their festivities. It's times like this then, where I feel so incredibly down..
In the past, it has sort of balanced itself out. Ok, I have to work weekend nights, but I do get the luxury of 4 "weekdays" off when everyone else is working their 9 to 5's or working incredibly long days to get assignments done whereas I have the luxury of doing whatever I like. It's different this time though. EVERYONE is back for 3 weeks. I have to carry on working the same old schedule and the days that the important days fall on, are all days, (or nights), I happen to be working. My festive holidays are at an end now and I am back to working horrible hours on what should be incredible days. I will hear insane stories, ridiculous stories, downright funny stories of nights out and events in which I know I will be no part of. I am so lonely.
It all starts tonight. Back to working with The Wall. The frustration of it all is nearly enough to make me sod work and just not turn up. So I can be finally free and most of all, be able to take part in Christmas.
"When you're still waiting for the snow to fall, doesn't really feel like Christmas at all".
Ok, we've had the snow, but I couldn't be less festive if I was literally Scrooge. I've been ill all day, just lying here trying to keep warm, but I haven't necessarily felt very down. I have felt a bit ... reflective, but now, after hearing that everyone is back and around me, I have no choice but to let them enjoy themselves while I waste away doing the same old rubbish, wasting away. I haven't been so down since the Dark Days, and what's more there is nothing I can do about it unless I do exactly the same things I did then.
I could just not turn up to work yes, but that would leave me jobless and while it might be a good decision for Christmas time, while I have money, once I run out, and people go back to their usual lives, I know I will end up being down in the dumps. Even if I could use the excuse that The Wall has become too much to handle, a reason which I think the parents may well understand, a few months down the line, we will end up being where we were. And all of my progress in trying to get into a better relationship with them will all go down the pan.
Do I care about that? I'm not sure to be honest.
For once, I need to look to the long-term, even if it means intolerable suffering for the short-term. Even friends who I have just told, seem silent in giving their answers. They know that they are the ones that will enjoy a merry Christmas. And they know I can't.
People are home tonight, and are no doubt planning some sort of night out, in my absence. There is a Christmas party tomorrow, in which I can only attend the first hour or so before I have to go. They will enjoy the consuing hours, in my absence. Next Friday, Christmas Eve, is usually a night out that people do and this year they will be enjoying themselves, in my absence. Christmas Day is something that my family will be enjoying and celebrating mostly, in my absence. Likewise with Boxing Day. New Year's Eve speaks for itself, everyone will be bringing in the new year, while I waste away, absent. Sometimes I do just feel absent.
Oh, I have the 27-30th December off, and great. But what's the point of that if no one is going to be around? They are the days that usually nothing happen, and that's the story of my festive season. When I'm around, no one else is. And when I am trapped at work, everyone comes out to have fun. Although it's obviously not their fault, I do feel like I haven't a friend in the world at the moment.
Do you understand?
No, of course you don't. You have a Christmas to celebrate.
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