Jacques Brel & The Lucid Dreamer

A lot of young people in this world of ours are hooked in by chart music. Less drip fed, more completely thrust upon them, the likes of Rihanna, Kanye West et al are seen plastered all over popular culture. I am partial to a bit of chart music from time to time, but if I was asked who my favourite artist or musician of all time was, I'm guessing most of you would look back at me blankly.

Jacques Brel, who died in October 1978, sold over 25 million records, making him the 3rd most successful Belgian artist of all time. Most of his songs were recorded in French, which probably doesn't put him at the top of many people's lists of top singers. However, his songs were so theatrical and performed so grandly that it is simply impossible to not like him. Furthermore, the list of artists that have covered his songs almost reach three figures. This list includes the likes of David Bowie. Dame Shirley Bassey. Nina Simone. Neil Diamond. Sting. Frank Sinatra. The list goes on and on. For such an influential musician, he is not widely known, especially to the ears of young people.

Earlier this year, I travelled to London to watch a show called, 'Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris'. A brilliant review of this can be read here: https://therealchrisparkle.wordpress.com/tag/jacques-brel/ , written by my friend Chris who accompanied me to the show. It confirmed my love of Jacques Brel with some of my favourite songs being showcased on the stage of the Charing Cross Theatre. Songs such as 'Madeleine', 'Amsterdam' and 'Next' a few of the stunning, spine-tingling musical offerings on show. 'Ne Me Quitte Pas', possibly Brel's most famous song must be up there as one of the most covered songs in musical history. Jacques Brel's death at the age of 49 was untimely.

I mention Jacques Brel as I had a dream that I was on stage singing 'Amsterdam' last night. Very recently, I have acquired the skill of lucid dreaming, that means I can control my own movements and actions in dreams. It is something you can learn, and something I discovered at the beginning of this year and have been trying to learn ever since. It's a mysterious skill and one can never really pinpoint when you definitely know how to do it. Only in the last few weeks have I known that I have this skill, mainly because I can remember pretty much every moment of every dream I have, every night. In the past week, I have been involved in a rugby match against Wales where we won 29-19, performed 'Amsterdam' on stage as I said and fulfilled some pretty cool sexual fantasies...

I said that out loud didn't I...?

I have mastered lucid dreaming to such a degree now that I realise I am in a dream as soon as the dream begins, knowing I am in no mortal danger and I can quite literally do what I want. The only thing I can't control is the specific situations I land in, but I'm not sure that's at all possible anyway. It seems an odd thing to learn, but once you have learnt, it is one of the coolest things in the world. I look forward to going to sleep now!

How to link a 1960's French musician and your sleeping pattern. Easy.

Perceptions & Labels - My Sexuality

In my time, I have written some pretty serious blog posts. I'm very open about who I am and what I've been through as I genuinely believe that my life experiences can help others. I'm not afraid about how people perceive me, whether that be inspiring or attention-seeking.

Until now.

I'm very scared to write this, because I thought I had established who I was. On 18th November 2012, I wrote in this very same blog and came out as gay. It was such a huge hurdle to jump but everyone was so supportive and magnificent about it all. It was such a huge, life-defining moment and a positive move in every aspect. Apart from one.

By coming out as gay, I positioned myself as one set thing through the eyes of society. I'm a guy who likes guys and society dictates that I have locked myself in that box. I've come out of the closet now and there's no route back to Narnia. I've fought that battle and came out the other side. Except I haven't. Not really. If I'm being brutally honest with you all, I don't know what "sexuality" I am.  The social requirement to fit into a category seems such a laborious and energy-consuming exercise, and I quite frankly can't be bothered racking my brains for the answer anymore. At first I thought I was "straight" and then I thought I was "bisexual" and then I thought I was "gay". There was even a brief stage where I thought I was "asexual". Four very certain and very rigid descriptions of sexual orientation, except we all know that sexual orientation is a spectrum. I've felt compelled to fit into a box created by narrow-mindedness that I'd completely forgotten that I could just be Tom.

This has began to become more apparent in the last six months or so. I've seen girls and thought, "Wow she's beautiful and funny", but shut down those thoughts because I'm gay. I've realised that I fancy girls too. But I told the world I was gay, how ridiculous would it look if I backtracked? I've gone a complete loop, finding guys attractive but shutting out those thoughts because I "should" like girls. Now I realise that I ALSO find girls attractive, but I shut out those thoughts because I "should" like guys. I have a couple of female friends who I find attractive and I like, but everyone who knows me, identifies me as a gay man. If my friends and family were truly open-minded, this wouldn't matter to them, but this is harder than coming out as gay. Coming out as not gay. There's this sense of urgency, that I MUST identify as a sexual orientation otherwise there's something wrong with me. Society wants us all to pick a side and stay there, but I don't want to. I'm fed up of lying awake at night wondering what box I fit into, when I don't want to fit into a box at all. It's even more scary as I've gone from one side of the spectrum to the other. I'm scared people will just think I'm trying to be revolutionary or attention-seeking, like a rebellious teenager trying to be unique. I just want to be happy.

I'm guessing people will now identify me as bisexual, determined to stick to this Venn diagram of sexuality. I'm telling you now, I don't identify as any sexual orientation. Labels in society are so damn restricting and unnecessary. It's caused me a lot of mental pain and a few tears. I've asked myself why everyone is so certain about the definable limits of their sexuality, and I can't. When I came out as gay in 2012, I was 100% certain. But why can't these things change? It may fuel the argument from the homophobic section of our world that your sexuality is a "choice", but that's merely because everyone wants to complete the box-ticking exercise. I see no reason why our sexual desires can't evolve with the rest of our being.

So, there you have it. I'm losing no more sleep over this. Label me as whatever you like, but in my own head, I am Tom. That may sound a bit pretentious and up myself, but it is true. Two old friends of mine, who I rarely speak to these days, said two very, very perfect lines:

1) I am [Insert Name Here]. I am not a box. (At the time, I rolled my eyes but damn, it's true.)
2) "I think the whole world is bisexual".

That second line might not be far from the truth. Some people may be 99.99% "straight" yet find Zac Efron attractive. Some people the opposite. Some may be 50/50, some may be 64.6% "straight" and 35.4% "gay". There is no set parameter, and I wish people would start seeing it like this.

Some of you may think I'm trying to grab some headlines, but I had to write it down. I am going to continue my life, safe in the knowledge that I am not restricted. I may have a boyfriend in 6 months. I may have a girlfriend in a year. I may be single forever.

One thing I am not though, is a box.