The King (2019)

Film reviews within these pages are few and far between, but given I have been consigned to my sick bed for the majority of this week, I have been catching up on a few Netflix favourites. 

Very quickly, I noticed 'The King'; not for it's imaginative title but because the main character is played by Timothee Chalamet, of whom I am a big fan since his breakout movie 'Call Me By Your Name'.

This adaptation of this story of King Henry V however fails to live up to the superb repertoire of films that Chalamet has been busy starring in. It's immediate reticence to uphold the use of unique Shakespearean language is instantly noticeable, and for a film that lasts nearly two and a half hours, the mild nature of what was a brutal Medieval world to live in makes the film drag along at a snail's pace. Even the welcome intervention of a beheading did little to ease my discomfort.

For those of you who are not familiar with the history of the Monarchy, King Henry V - or Prince Hal to his favourites - was reported to be a feisty fellow. He drank too much, he was promiscuous and frankly, he was an embarrassment to a royal family that had honour and reputation to think of. Hal's Father, King Henry IV (Ben Mendelsohn), despised him to the point where he did not pass down the title of King to him, instead bestowing this honour to his youngest son, Thomas (Dean-Charles Chapman).

I was disappointed in how little the film delved into this side of Prince Hal's life; where the only suggestion that he was a drunken lout was a brief scene at the start. There was next to no reference of Hal's complete ambiguity to the throne and his debauchery, instead choosing to paint Prince Henry of Wales as someone who easily came round to the idea of being a King. The lack of internal strife shown by the King-to-be was tangible and noticeably missing. 

Not that Henry had much choice. The death of Thomas propels Henry to the throne whether he liked it or not, with the change in role depicted in a change of hairstyle. The long flowing locks of a childish drunk obsessed with frivolity, replaced with the smarter crop of a man ready for battle. 

Except that battle doesn't begin for a lifetime; the scenes fading into each other in a sea of foggy negotiations with the brief interlude of a Game of Thrones-lite battle scene resulting in the occasional bloody end. However, in an era of bloodshed and war, this film meanders around the outskirts. As a viewer, you think the abandonment of Shakespearean language signals the abandonment of niceties, but it never really kicks off as such. 

The only saving grace comes in the final half an hour or so, where the action picks up somewhat in the depiction of the Battle of Agincourt. This movie is worth the watch just for the jaw-dropping moment that you realise The Dauphin is played by Robert Pattinson, sporting the wig of Lucius Malfoy and a faux French accent that beggars belief. 

In fairness to this film, the cinematography during the Battle of Agincourt is very good and for the first and last time, doesn't shy away from the gore of Medieval war. The fate of Falstaff (Joel Edgerton) also adds an interesting twist. However, it came too late and coupled with Pattinson's frankly ridiculous attempt at a French accent, the seriousness of the situation is somewhat upstaged by unwanted humour.

I also found it a shame that the movie did not explore the relationship between Henry V and Catherine of Valois, an intriguing partnership that was cut off as it was reaching an interesting power battle. However, with over two hours of wrangling and soliloquy, one must be watchful of the time.

'The King' is certainly not one for the purist, but neither is it one for the revolutionary, where I think this film was aimed at. It falls on deaf ears in the void between them; a shame given the excellent cast on show. So while Chalamet continues to set the world alight with terrific cinematic performances, this one won't be remembered as a classic. Although it does provide the perfect stepping stone for his upcoming stage debut...

4/10.

The ABC of Socialism

When that I was and a little, tiny boy,

Me daddy said to me,

'The time has come, me bonny, bonny bairn,

To learn your ABC.'

 

Now Daddy was a lodge chairman

In the coalfields of the Tyne

And his ABC was different

From the Enid Blyton kind.

 
He sang, 'A is for Alienation

That made me the man that I am, and

B's for the Boss who's a Bastard,

A Bourgeois who don't give a damn.

 

C is for Capitalism,

The bosses' reactionary creed, and

D's for Dictatorship, laddie,

But the best proletarian breed.

 

E is for Exploitation

That workers have suffered so long, and

F is for old Ludwig Feuerbach,

The first one to say it was wrong.

 

G is all Gerrymanderers,

Like Lord Muck and Sir Whatsisname, and

H is the Hell that they'll go to

When the workers have kindled the flame.

 

I's for Imperialism,

And America's kind is the worst, and

J is for sweet Jingoism,

That the Tories all think of the first.

 

K is for good old Kier Hardy,

Who fought out the working class fight, and

L is for Vladimir Lenin,

Who showed him the left was all right.

 

M is of course for Karl Marx,

The daddy and the mommy of them all, and

N is for Nationalisation -

Without it we'd tumble and fall.

 

O is for Overproduction,

That capitalist economy brings, and

P is for all Private Property,

The greatest of all of the sins.

 

Q's for the Quid pro quo,

That we'll deal out so well and so soon, when

R for Revolution is shouted and

The Red Flag becomes the top tune.

 

S is for Sad Stalinism

That gave us all such a bad name, and

T is for Trotsky, the hero,

Who had to take all of the blame.

 

U's for the Union of Workers -

The Union will stand to the end, and

V is for Vodka, yes, Vodka,

The vun drink that vont bring the bends.

 

W's for all Willing Workers,

And that's where the memory fades,

For X, Y, and Zed,' my dear daddy said,

'Will be written on the street barricades.'

 

Now that I'm not a little tiny boy,

Me daddy says to me,

'Please try to forget those thing that I said,

Especially the ABC.'

 

For daddy is no longer a union man,

And he's had to change his plea.

 His alphabet is different now,

Since they made him a Labour MP.

 

 

- Alex Glasgow

My Thing

I don't know what has prompted me to write in here after such a long time without a personal post, but I guess the time felt right. Within these pages are reams of self-doubt, paragraphs upon paragraphs of lamentation and sentences that would prompt a crisis practitioner to run to what we call in the NHS, "the red phone".

Most of this was down to one huge issue. I have no idea what to do with my life.

Jumping from job to job, waiting for Friday nights and thinking I was doing alright because I played a bit of cricket isn't a sustainable solution for any life worth living. Somehow, as a man in his early 20's, I got away with it. I had the exuberance of youth and a well-functioning liver to be able to wing an existence, even if that existence was threatened from time to time. Even during 2019, I have wondered what the future holds and while I didn't have the answers; one lesson I have learnt is that something will always come up when you least expect it.

It's happened on a few occasions. Australia 2013 is the prime example and even though that ended badly, it was an opportunity that appeared like a shooting star out of a cloudy, dark night sky. I distinctly remember sitting on my bed with my laptop (predictably) on my lap, wondering where life was taking me when the initial invitation popped up via e-mail. Maybe there is a God...

Something similar happened a couple of weeks ago. While I can muster working as a receptionist on a children's hospital ward, the idea of doing it for the next 45 years or so, (or if the Tories get their way, 47!) doesn't fill me with excitement. Last year, I thought I had found my calling in the property industry which went as well as the Australian trip but once again, in a moment of deliberation, I got a Facebook notification directing me to a job advert.

'INTERN NEEDED FOR SPORTS DESK AT THE BEDFORD INDEPENDENT'

Everyone has a "thing". One thing, (or maybe more if you're lucky) that simply comes naturally to them. As if they don't really have to try. And at this point, it dawned on me. Writing and sport. The amount of people who have said I should consider writing as a career, in one form or another, written off by my negative thinking and lack of confidence combined with an obvious love of sport that even I can't dismiss. What exactly has been stopping me?

I always thought I had to go to university to get a journalism degree. Or at least study in some sort of form, for a considerable length of time and at reasonable expense but this opportunity - the latest in a long line of opportunities - has appeared like that shooting star. And I have taken it.

It's early days. A mistake I have committed far too often in the past is getting well ahead of myself and this time, I need to calm down. I'm not getting a full-time job in sports journalism for a long time yet. I'm going to have to make do sitting in my office chair on a paediatric ward for a while and that is fine. For the first time in a very long time, I can see a genuine future ahead of me. An actual road that doesn't end in a roadblock of alcoholic storms and breakdowns. I have learnt that it is okay to take the slow road as long as you keep moving forward.

Maybe I have grown up enough to now see things clearly. During very quiet times at work this week, I have re-read posts from 2011 and 2012 from this blog and instantly notice a sense of panic and distress in the words. As if I was screaming into the abyss. I hope nowadays, I have the self-awareness to keep a level head and not expect too much of myself. I am aware there will be work ahead and it may be difficult, but I have to try.

I remember a time when I broke down in an IT class as a 17-year old at school. I can't remember the reason why; for my mind was a cyclone back then, but my IT teacher; a Scouser by the name of Jacqueline Samosa told me, "Your Dad told me he doesn't care if you stacked shelves at Tesco as long as you're happy." It's a sentence that has stuck with me for a long time.

And I have been happy. This year has brought challenges, such as unemployment and money issues and work boredom and playing terribly at cricket but I don't take it to heart so much these days. I merely remember that my family are great, I have amazing friends and the future really isn't looking so bad.

As writer Matt Haig says, "Stay alive for the person you could become." For me, that sums it up perfectly. Who knows what is round the corner...

The Cricket World Cup - England and Wales 2019

For the past 13 years I have been addicted to the sport of cricket. Many people don't understand it. You spend a whole day standing in a field chasing a small leather-bound, rock hard ball, or if you're lucky, hitting one, and then have some tea half way through. Many just don't get it.

However, for the first time since 1999, the sport's showpiece event graces the shores of England and Wales, with ten teams vying for the golden trophy and with controversies beginning long ago, there are many sub plots to an intriguing tournament. The format consists of a 10-team Round Robin group stage, including a mammoth 45 games, with the top 4 qualifying for the semi-finals, with the Lord's showpiece final taking place on the 14th July.

In this preview, we'll be taking a look at all ten teams, their star men and some brave predictions, given this sport can throw up any possible result. Beginning with the holders...


AUSTRALIA

Four years ago, the Australians were facing a unique challenge, still reeling from the death of one of their best players in Philip Hughes along with hosting the World Cup themselves, even the most hard-nosed Pom couldn't help but feel happy for the Australians winning another World Cup in the face of such mourning. This time around, they face very different challenges. On the back of "Sandpapergate", culprits Steve Smith and David Warner - arguably Australia's two best players - have just returned from their lengthy bans and while they will undoubtedly cop some stick from the English fans, this couldn't have come at a better time for the Aussies.

Their white ball form in the past year has been dreadful. Including a 5-0 whitewash by England last Summer; the old fearsome Australians seemed to have lost their spark. With no real pace attack, given their main bowlers were injured, and missing their star batsmen, their side was remarkably average. However, under the new captaincy of Aaron Finch, the leadership of former opening batsman Justin Langer, plus the return of their talismanic players, the Aussies are back in business with eight straight victories plus two comfortable warm-up wins.


The Man to Watch: Steve Smith

Despite being banned for a total of nine months for his part in the sandpaper scandal in South Africa, Steve Smith has simply strolled back into the side and picked up from where he left off. There is no doubt he is a classy batsman, and for a man who was dubbed the next Shane Warne a decade ago, he is now considered as part of the "Big Four" batsmen in world cricket. He, along with David Warner, will be pivotal in Australian chances, and he has prepared well and looks in good nick. He will be very difficult to get out.

Prediction: Semi-Finalists (4th in the group stage)



ENGLAND

In 2015, England were in turmoil. They sacked their one-day captain (Alastair Cook), a couple of weeks before the World Cup in Australia & New Zealand, their style of play belonged in 1992 and their side were all at sea, ending in a dismal group stage knockout at the hands of Bangladesh.

These days, their outfit is a completely different kettle of fish. Playing purposefully with no fear, they have propelled themselves to Number One in the world rankings, and with home advantage, are considered the comfortable favourites for this competition. They are the only side to post scores of 400+ on four occasions, with a batting order longer than a Shaoib Akhtar run up, English batsmen are left to their own devices. The destructive nature of Jonny Bairstow and Jason Roy opening the batting compliment the creativity of captain Eion Morgan and Jos Buttler and with Joe Root as the cement in the bricks of the England side, this team will be very difficult to beat. With Ben Stokes and Moeen Ali coming in too, opponents will get a man out and be faced with a fearsome man coming in after him.

The bowling attack isn't too shabby either, with the convenient timing of Jofra Archer's eligibility to play for England adding to an already strong bowling attack. Chris Woakes is in good form, Tom Curran's box of tricks will come in very handy at the end of the innings and Adil Rashid is up there as one of the world's best white ball spinners. In home conditions, with the backing of an excited crowd and a team enjoying their cricket, I can't see past an English victory. The only thing stopping them is the expectation, and not having won an ICC trophy since 2010, and never in this format, the pressure is the only thing stopping this side.


The Man to Watch: Jos Buttler

You could choose any one of five or six players to look out for, but none more so than this man. If you're a beginner to the world of cricket, you will marvel at how this man gets the ball to impossible areas of the ground with such apparent ease. The pundits call it "360 degree batsmanship", making it very difficult to set fields to him. That matched with his unique grip, very strong wrists and brute power, the majority of his scores are match-winning, including a very recent 110 off 55 balls against Pakistan. If Bairstow, Roy or Morgan don't get you, this man will.

Prediction: Winners


SOUTH AFRICA

South Africa have always been strong and have always been in the conversation when it comes to potential champions, but the perennial tag of "chokers" continues to haunt them like the ghost of W.G. Grace. As a squad, they are as consistent as ever, led by Francois du Plessis, but they seem to be missing a spark. The retirement of AB de Villiers is a big miss but in a tournament where the bowling attacks could be the difference, the pace of Kagiso Rabada and Lungi Ndidi are hugely important in South Africa's chances. They also have the X-Factor of the ever-exciteable Imran Tahir, retiring from international cricket after this tournament, who has always proved dangerous with his excellent repertoire of variations in his leg-spin. Talisman Dale Steyn is not as effective in the white-ball game as he once was, mainly due to a consistent trail of injuries but the experience in the batting order will be pivotal led by the effervescent Hashim Amla and du Plessis.


The Man to Watch: Quinton de Kock

Don't be fooled by the baby face, this guy can hit a ball, and he can hit it miles. Long considered to be South Africa's best wicket-keeper batsman, and indeed the world, 26-year old Quinton de Kock is a name we will continue to see for a few editions of the World Cup yet. A successful Indian Premier League campaign with the Mumbai Indians has improved his stock once more, and with pressure on opening batsmen to get sides off to a blistering start in what is now a game dominated with the bat, De Kock is the man to watch in Green.

Prediction: Fail to Qualify (5th in the Group Stage)


INDIA

While this tournament could quite literally be won by any one of 5 or 6 teams, India have always got to be considered to be amongst the favourites for any world tournament. Led by the unforgiving yet brilliant Virat Kohli, India's raving population will demand nothing less than another World Cup victory. Their line up oozes class from top to bottom, with similar powers to England, glued together by the captain, who has been labelled as the world's best batsman in the last few years. The pressure on Kohli is immense, with the expectation of a billion people on his shoulders, he will need the cool head of Mahendra Singh Dhoni, who led India to their last World Cup success in 2011. Other names to look out for are Rohit Sharma, who continues to open the batting with an exceptional record and also Yuzvendra Chahal; India's own leg-spin option that is now a mandatory part of any successful international one-day side. India also have the number one ranked ODI bowler in their ranks. The odd action of Jasprit Bumrah allows him to bowl a lot of variations and he will get a lot of wickets. This may not be India's strongest squad, but their competitive instincts, experience in the latter stages of tournaments and a captain who will not accept anything less than perfection, India have a big chance of success this year.


The Man to Watch: Virat Kohli

Yes, my whole description of Indian chances have resolved around one man, but his record speaks for itself. With 41 One-Day International centuries at an average of almost 60, if India are chasing any total, they are automatically favourites because of this man. His experience and his desire to win at all costs make a big difference and he can be an intimidating presence out in the middle, regardless of what his opponents may say. Kohli LOVES chasing a total. He sees it as a personal challenge, and it's a challenge he often wins, with the majority of his runs coming in chases. If Kohli has a good World Cup, India are up there with England as favourites.

Prediction: Runners-Up


AFGHANISTAN

Rank outsiders they may be, but the rise of Afghan cricket is one of the most inspiring stories in sport of this decade. 34-year old Mohammad Nabi has played against 20 of the 26 current cricket countries actively playing right now, including England and India but also the coveted cricketing nations of Bhutan, Germany and the Italians; not particularly well-known for their cricketing ability. Very quickly, Afghanistan have risen to the highest echelons of world cricket, gaining their well-deserved spot in this World Cup by winning the qualification tournament ahead of the West Indies, (who also qualified). Only the most brave or speculative cricket fan will put any money on an Afghan success, but their very presence in cricket's biggest tournament is a huge boost for the people of Afghanistan, who have suffered a lot of strife with war and political struggles. With odds as long as 500/1, Afghanistan won't be winning this tournament, but they are certainly no mugs and they have the potential to win one or two games, especially against the West Indies and Pakistan who they have already beaten this year.


The Man to Watch: Rashid Khan

20-year old Rashid Khan is one of only two bowlers to appear in the 'Man to Watch' list and with good reason. He is ranked the 3rd best bowler in One Day cricket, and considered to be one of the most dangerous leg-spin bowlers in the world. An excellent IPL with the Sunrisers Hyderabad, Khan is the golden boy of Afghan cricket and will cause a lot of problems for a lot of batsmen. He is also handy with the bat, but his most potent weapon is the un-pickable googly, who has got many a good batsman out. With a long career ahead of him, this man will be a force for years to come.

Prediction: Fail to Qualify (10th in the Group Stage)


SRI LANKA

Sri Lanka, who have a good record in World Cups, are a team very much in transition having not yet recovered from the retirements of stalwarts, Kumar Sangakarra, Mahela Jayawardene and even Muttiah Muralitharan who retired a full 8 years ago. In a quality line up of sides, Sri Lanka no longer have the consistency needed in their batting to prove much of a danger to the very best sides. Their bowling line-up is also rather one-dimensional and while they still possess the trickery of, "The Slinger" Lasith Malinga, he is 35 years old now, has lost a yard of pace and is not as dangerous as he once was. They also have a new captain, Dimuth Karunaratne, who has been a breath of fresh air in the test match arena, but has yet to proven himself in the white ball game, and looking through their squad, I can't see anyone who really stands out to drag them through a tough round robin group stage. Their only saving grace is that they face the weaker sides first, which could give them the confidence to proceed.


The Man to Watch: Angelo Mathews 

S

Sri Lanka do tend to go through their captains at an alarming rate sometimes, and one such victim was Angelo Mathews who used to captain this side back in 2015. And while he has been involved in a few controversies, he is still a pivotal part of this side who need leadership and experience. The all-rounder was once considered the best all-rounder in world cricket; however he very rarely bowls these days. However, he is a notable presence at Number 5 and still has the potential to make a difference.

Mathews will really need to step up if Sri Lanka are to stand any chance of gaining an unexpected semi-final slot, although a lot of them have experience of getting to the latter stages of major tournaments. I can't see it myself though.

Prediction: Fail to Qualify (9th in the Group Stage)


NEW ZEALAND

The Kiwis have a remarkable habit of performing admirably and consistently in world tournaments, despite never really entering the conversation beforehand. New Zealand have always been known for their commitment, their exceptional ground fielding and their brute power. They also possess a Joe Root style captain in Kane Williamson who is the glue to a batting order who have the ability to take games away from opponents. Colin Munro has a licence to hit the ball as far as he can and Martin Guptill has been a force to be reckoned with for some time now. With Colin de Grandhomme in the middle order along with Ross Taylor, the Kiwis have the experience and the know-how to mount a serious challenge in England and Wales. They also possess something many teams do not, which is an experienced, consistent and quick opening bowling pair in Trent Boult and Matt Henry who have the ability to take early wickets when other teams may not.


The Man to Watch: Martin Guptill 

There could be a few stars to watch in this New Zealand side but I have opted for a man who has won many a one-day international for New Zealand. One of a few who have reached the coveted 200 mark in an individual innings, Guptill is now experienced enough to know when to cash in, when in the past, he had a tendency to throw his wicket away in an air of impatience.

Matched with the equally as powerful Colin Munro, New Zealand match England in the opening batting department and while Guptill recovered from a serious injury at the end of last year, he has come back with a vengeance and at 32-years old, this may be his best chance at a World Cup success, after falling at the final hurdle against their close rivals Australia in their own continent in 2015.

Prediction: Semi-Finalists (3rd in the Group Stage)


PAKISTAN

The hit and miss nature of Pakistani cricket continues it's trend into this World Cup, when they were comfortably beaten 4-0 in pre-World Cup series against England, where they were largely outclassed.

They do however possess some fantastic players, not least opening batsman Fakhar Zaman who starred in the Champions Trophy winning side in 2017 in the same location. He will have happy memories of a century in the final against arch-rivals India, and he has the ability, like many others in this tournament, to take the game away from his opponents. But while the instability of Pakistani cricket continues, they can never be touted as genuine contenders in such a large field of sides. Not many people had Pakistan as winners of the last ICC 50-over event, but after they beat England in the semi-finals, they went on to beat India to cause a shock win. They may find confidence, knowing the same squad has been successful on these shores.

Led by wicket-keeper batsman Sarfaraz Ahmed, who epitomises the unpredictable nature of this side, they have the potential to cause another upset, but in this new World Cup structure, I can't see them having the consistency to win enough games to get through.


The Man to Watch: Shadab Khan

The second bowler to appear in the 'Man to Watch' list is another 20-year old leg spinning all-rounder, who caused a lot of problems for England in their recent series and continues to do so to other sides he has faced in his short career to date. In a side of good experience, Shadab could be the X-Factor needed to propel Pakistan to new heights. He is also a good batsman; a classic Asian attacking style and on his day, he could cause mayhem.

Prediction: Fail to Qualify (7th in the Group Stage)


BANGLADESH

Former whipping boys have grown up in the last five years and while Pakistan won the Champions Trophy in 2017, the Bangladeshis reached the semi-finals before succumbing to India, confirming their status as a genuinely good side now. It's been a long road for The Tigers, but test victories against both England and Australia and notable one-day wins means you no longer get an automatic victory against this side.

Although I think they will struggle in early June English conditions, they have a couple of young guns looking to stake a claim on the world stage. Namely, Mustafizur Rahman, the 23-year old fast bowler who made a name for himself on the IPL stage, who has the ability to confuse batsmen with a good set of variations.

They won't be easy opponents, but they still lack the permanent quality to mount a serious World Cup challenge.


The Man to Watch: Shakib Al-Hasan 

Once considered to be the best One-Day cricketer in the world, Shakib Al-Hasan has been involved in some local controversies with the administrators of Bangladesh Cricket, but he is still the main power and the rope tying together this side. His years of experience are now invaluable and he will need to provide assistance, experience and a calm head to a bowling line-up that has an average age of 23, (if you take out captain and 35-year old Mortaza). He still has the ability, but does he have the temperament?

Prediction: Fail to Qualify (8th in the Group Stage)


WEST INDIES

I always get the impression that the West Indies side, whoever they may be, don't really give a toss about cricket until it matters. That may sound harsh, and I'm sure it's not the case, but they only just made it to this tournament and you have to wonder why. Once considered to be the powerhouses of international cricket, the West Indies continue to drift along at a Caribbean pace despite a hugely impressive test series victory against England a few months back. However, on the biggest stage of all, they stand a chance of progressing, especially if the Universe Boss fires in his last ever tournament of a glittering career, (see below...)

However, all things considered, I think the relaxed and ever-confident West Indians will fall by the wayside, but only because their bowling line up isn't the best and I can't see anyone else really standing up to be counted if Chris Gayle fails...


The Man to Watch: Chris Gayle

At 39 years old, over 10,000 one day international runs and the record of the amount of sixes in his career, the self-acclaimed Universe Boss retires after this World Cup and you will bet he'll want to leave his mark. For the majority of this century, he has provided sparkling entertainment all around the world and that matched with his likeable and laid-back attitude, he is a name that will be missed in the international arena. In the recent ODI series against England, he obliterated bowling attacks, hitting two centuries in four games and averaging over 100 in the series. He holds the record for the highest score in T20 cricket ever, is one of a few to score 300+ in a test match and has a highest score of 215 in one-day cricket.

Yes, he might be getting on. Yes, he doesn't run between the wickets to the utter frustration of his teammates. But do you leave him out? Do you heck...

Prediction: Fail to Qualify (6th in the Group Stage)


And there we have it. Ten very capable sides, and my predictions are made knowing full well that it will be a miracle if I'm even close. The list of names on show are extensive, and with the one-day game being dominated by batsmen these days, the amount of runs scored will surely be a record. We are in for a brilliant and dramatic tournament, all kicking off on Thursday 30th May as England host South Africa.

See you on the other side!

Eurovision 2019 - The Review!

So while this blog is not written in much anymore, one aspect of it that does survive are the (much coveted) Eurovision reviews! At least I hope so...

This year, the much loved Song Contest comes from the not at all controversial city of Tel Aviv in Israel after victory for Netta last year with her cluckety-clucking song, 'Toy'. While I was not able to make it out there this year, we enjoyed the Contest in the wonderful surroundings of the Northampton Filmhouse with 60 odd other Eurovisionistas and witnessed the brilliant, the bad, the belligerent and the barmy, in what was the 64th edition of the Eurovision Song Contest! I suppose it's customary to start with Number One...

[The two figures after the total score indicate the public vote, followed by the jury vote]

1) MALTA - Michela Pace with 'Chameleon' - 16th with 95 points (20/75)

I wonder what it feels like to be an 18-year old opening the world's biggest song contest in front of 200 million people? Well, Michela got that honour this year with a catchy tune about chameleons. Oh, it gets MUCH madder than this don't you worry, but while it's always tough to be a show opener, Michela give it a good crack. A nervous start maybe, but she grew into it, especially when the chorus kicked in. Helped by the dancers, she got the show off to a raucous start. 16th finish was a tad harsh...


2) ALBANIA  - Jonida Maliqi with 'Ktheju Tokes' - 18th with 90 points (47/43)

As is so frequently mentioned, no one has ever won Eurovision from 2nd in the running order; so much so that the producers automatically place a poor song in the spot. This dubious honour went to Albania's Jonida. With an Instagram following of 450,000, she's a popular name in the East, but with so many good songs in the lineup, this was merely forgotten about. 18th was fair.


3) CZECH REPUBLIC - Lake Malawi with 'Friend of a Friend' - 11th with 157 points (7/150)

One of the songs I was listening to the most in the lead up was this from the Czech Republic. After such a dry spell, the Czechs have upped their game in the last few years, especially when they had Mikolas Josef do so well last year.

The graphics on this were superb, and indeed one of the few aspects of the show you miss out on if you are live in the arena. As Graham Norton suggested, the lyrics are a little bit questionable and the smile from the guitarist was a tad disconcerting, but the song is fun and was probably a bit unlucky to just miss out on a top 10. Massively let down by the viewing public who did not rate it at all, giving it just 7 points...


4) GERMANY - S!sters with 'Sister' - 24th with 32 points (0/32)

With the new two-sector voting system, it is now much more difficult to get the dreaded 'nul points' but, from the public at least, the German "sisters" (who are not really sisters) got exactly that. One of the more awkward moments of the contest was the presenter apologising before announcing, "Sorry... Zero points". I thought nothing of this song before the contest; rather bland and "meh", but they performed it well on the night. But it was never going to win.


5) RUSSIA - Sergey Lazarev with 'Scream' - 3rd with 369 points (244/125)

After a brutal spell of booing and hissing from Eurovision fans in years gone by, the Russians seemed to have escaped the political scowling for now, and while they send entries like this, that will continue to be the case. Sergey, who also sang in 2016, was his own backing singer in what turned out to be clever staging and a really great song, with a great voice. 3rd was not predicted by me, but entirely deserved.


6) DENMARK - Leonora with 'Love is Forever' - 12th with 120 points (51/69)

This was the first of a few moments where I chose to visit the bar. Described by fellow Filmhousers as "twee", this offering from the Danish was a far cry from the bold and boisterous Rasmussen last year. Despite this, it made it to the left hand side of the scoreboard, thanks in large to friendly jury voting, but it was easily forgettable and won't be remembered by very many.

7) SAN MARINO - Serhat with 'Say Na Na Na' - 20th with 81 points (65/16)

The Sammarinese have only ever made it to the Grand Final once before, so when Serhat was announced as a finalist on Tuesday evening, the whole of Europe cheered, (I hope!) One of three songs I actually spent money to vote on, I really liked the simple, catchy nature of the song and encapsulated what Eurovision is all about. Never give up. Dare to dream! Despite Serhat, (who is Turkish) rocking the gruff vocals, 20th was a bit harsh, but is San Marino's best ever placing in a Eurovision Song Contest.

8) NORTH MACEDONIA - Tamara Todevska with 'Proud' - 8th with 295 points (58/237)

The FORMER Former Yugoslav Republic of Mouthful has had a re-brand, and debuting for the the "new" country was Claire Underwood from hit series 'House of Cards'. I kid, her real name is Tamara Todevska, and quite possibly provided the shock of the contest as it led for the majority of the jury announcements, before being pipped by the Swedes. Finishing 2nd with the juries was offset by a poor public vote, but 8th was an unexpected yet good result for the North Macedonian's.


9) SWEDEN - John Lundvik with 'Too Late for Love' - 6th with 332 points (93/239)

Speaking of the effervescent Sweden, John Lundvik, who won the famous Melodifestivalen contest, an eight week 'X-Factor' style contest to decide the Swedish entry is a far cry from what we experience at home. This swish and highly accomplished song won the jury vote, and surprised many with such a low public vote, but while Sweden continue to take the contest seriously, they will always be there or thereabouts. Sixth is fair.


10) SLOVENIA - Zala Kralj & Gasper Santl with 'Sebi' - 13th with 105 points (59/46)

Every now and then, Eurovision throws up a creepy number and this one is that song. The Mark Zuckerberg lookalike seems to have Zala in his grasp, as if she is part of his cult or trapped in some vicious circle of love. The occasional pressing of a button from Gasper on a DJ machine (although no live instruments are used) was distracting and frankly, a 13th placed finish is an insult. Boring, creepy and not at all likeable. Next!



11) CYPRUS - Tamta with 'Replay' - 15th with 101 points (32/69)

Eurovision fans really do not like it when a song is basically re-hashed from the year before, and if 'Fuego' had never existed, this would surely have placed higher. However, Cyprus, who have never won the Eurovision Song Contest, decided to create Fuego 2.0 after it's runner-up spot last year and despite it being a good, catchy pop song, it was just too similar and therefore not the originality that Eurovision demands these days.

Even a cheeky costume change half way through did nothing to change Tamta's fortunes, who must make do with a low finish.


12) NETHERLANDS - Duncan Laurence with 'Arcade' - 1ST WITH 492 POINTS (261/231)

Ever imagined writing your first ever song, performing it and then taking it to Eurovision where it wins? This year's motto was 'Dare to Dream', and Duncan Laurence did just that, as his song about love being a losing game hit the right notes and justified the bookies predictions of victory. I honestly thought it would get lost somewhere, but everyone seemed to love it and quite rightly, The Netherlands have their first victory since 1975. Amsterdam 2020?


13) GREECE - Katerine Duska with 'Better Love' - 21st with 71 points (24/47)

As ever, it's never easy following the eventual winner but this nice, flowery song from Greece was always going to get lost in amidst a strong second-half of the running order. Even the throwing of an inflatable ball into the crowd did nothing to make it stand out, and this was one of a few that I just can't remember without listening back to it. Onwards...


14) ISRAEL - Kobi Marimi with 'Home' - 23rd with 47 points (35/12)

What a thrill it must be to perform at Eurovision in front of your home crowd, but retaining the Eurovision crown is not as easy as it once was, (the last time it occurred was for Ireland in 1994). We discovered during the semi-finals that Kobi was an emotional man, but I genuinely found the wailing at the end of his song quite disconcerting... The song itself was nice; and he has a good voice but again, it got lost. 23rd was harsh.



15) NORWAY - KEiiNO with 'Spirit in the Sky' - 5th with 338 points (291/47)

With a variety of voices, a solid melody and some local lingo thrown in, the Norwegian entry was the favourite of many from the start. Indeed, it won the public vote but there was controversy in the jury final when they had technical difficulties. A request to perform again was turned down, and they ended with just 47 points from juries... An argument that they were robbed has begun...



16) UNITED KINGDOM - Michael Rice with 'Bigger Than Us' - 26th with 16 points (3/13)

Frustration doesn't begin to cover it... How much longer do we have to endure being the laughing stock of this competition? In the past few years, I've had a certain level of optimism (especially with Lucie Jones), but this year, I just knew we were going to bomb. I didn't particularly like the song at the National Final, and I didn't like it in Tel Aviv. Boring ballads go nowhere, and we can talk about Michael's amazing voice until the sun sets, but we are no nearer to a British victory.


17) ICELAND - Hatari with 'Hatrid Mun Sigra' - 10th with 234 points (186/48)

Speaking of originality... (Very) occasionally, Eurovision produces an act that defies logic. A BDSM, leather-clad techno punk band isn't the usual act you'd find on the stages of Eurovisions gone past, but this anti-capitalist group hell bent on bondage and screaming produced the most conversation in this year's contest, not least when they produced the Palestinian flag during the announcement of their result. Sanctions will surely follow, but my guess is that Hatari don't care! Despite not being my usual cup of tea, 10th was fair.


18) ESTONIA - Victor Crone with 'Storm' - 19th with 86 points (48/38)

Another one of the forgettable crowd, Victor got lost in the blaze of fire and brimstone from the Icelandic entry that preceded it. The watching public were still talking about the screaming that this just passed them by.

I might have gone to the bar again at this point, but it's a haze by song 19... Couldn't see it finishing on the left hand side of the scoreboard and 19th seemed fair enough.


19) BELARUS - Zena with 'Like It' - 25th with 31 points (13/18)

At 16 years old, Zena was the youngest contestant in this year's edition and a second to last finish was extremely harsh for a likeable song that had a good catchy vibe to it. She may have come across as extremely nervous, which didn't help, but there were certainly worse songs than this in the Grand Final.

Europe did not like it...


20) AZERBAIJAN - Chingiz with 'Truth' - 7th with 297 points (100/197)

Into the 20's and potentially the strongest finish to a Contest in recent history with many favourites coming in the final stretch of songs. Starting with this from Chingiz, who most certainly got a lot of the votes from the gay community who swooned over their man. I didn't think an awful lot of this song, and was looking forward to the songs to come...



21) FRANCE - Bilal Hassani with 'Roi' - 14th with 105 points (38/67)

This is one of two songs that I didn't think much of until I saw it live on stage and then it all made sense. I love the message of this song, and applaud the French for their inclusivity about issues that don't get much of a mention in the world of showbiz. 14th place was a harsh finish for this French YouTube star, who raised a few smiles in the Filmhouse.


22) ITALY - Mahmood with 'Soldi' - 2nd with 465 points (253/212)

Mahmood caused a bit of a stir after he was selected to represent Italy; or rather the politicians did as an Italian Minister demanded he be replaced due to his Muslim faith. When the 2nd placed act was approached, they refused, as did the 3rd placed act, before Italy accepted that Mahmood was their man. Good choice! Great song, a bit different and a catchy mid-song clap were all plus points in a great result for the Italians.


23) SERBIA - Nevena Bozovic with 'Kruna' - 17th with 92 points (54/38)

A ballad is not what we need at number 23 in the running order, and despite a lot of natural allies, Serbia's offering got lost amongst the favourites towards the end of the contest. Indeed, yet another trip to the bar (don't judge!) was made by myself at this point. I did put it through in the semi-finals, but at this point, we needed a banger and a bop we could dance to, and you could sense the audience just wanting it to end in the Filmhouse. 17th was fair.



24) SWITZERLAND - Luca Hanni with 'She Got Me' - 4th with 360 points (212/148)

My personal favourite and not just for the obvious reasons, was this from Luca Hanni and the Swiss. Again, Switzerland doesn't have the greatest of records, with their last victory coming courtesy of Celine Dion in 1988.

It's a great song; catchy and contemporary, I thought it would do better than 4th. Just goes to show the strength of this year's competition.



25) AUSTRALIA - Kate Miller-Heidke with 'Zero Gravity' - 9th with 285 points (131/154)

The second of the songs that owes all to it's staging is from Australia, (yes, come on now... We're over that already!) and my word, was it good. Benefiting from great camera work, Kate hovered in mid air with her two dancers while belting out her poperatic song with pure precision. I was genuinely surprised the public didn't vote for her more, but this is up there with one of the best staged songs of the decade.


26) SPAIN - Miki with 'La Venda' - 22nd with 60 points (53/7)

Possibly the biggest scandal of the contest was the fact this finished 22nd. 'The Most Fun in a Song' award goes to Miki, and indeed, this was voted as the winner in the Northampton Filmhouse. But as is ever, when the final song comes around, everyone is totting up their scorecards and ignoring the 26th and final number. A huge shame really. My early favourite, and it remains so!



So there we have it. Another Eurovision season is over, with 2020's destination being The Netherlands! With Amsterdam or Rotterdam the likely hosts, I do hope to be able to go to the first contest of the new decade. This year's competition was of a high standard, and the United Kingdom need to start sending good songs. There is no blame attached to Michael Rice at all, for his voice is excellent, but airy fairy ballads no longer cut the European mustard.

Congratulations to Duncan Laurence! See you all in 12 months time!