The End of A Decade

A few hours back, admittedly whilst lying on my bed being lazy, I remembered that today is indeed the last day of my first ever full decade. I have to admit, bar the last couple of strained years, it has been an overriding success.

The highlight for me was ... well there have been so many I can't possibly think of a single one... this is a good thing. It is very easy to remember the hard times of the last couple of years and easy to forget the good times. I've been reflecting on the good times though, which shows I haven't lost faith yet. Once again, my friends have been the main reason for this. Even way back at the start of middle school, when we were harmless innocent 9 year olds with nothing to worry about. Those were the days..

You may notice that I am waffling a bit about the good old days but this really does cheer me up and raise my spirits. Talking of spritis, in recent years, I have found a new type of 'spirit' and plan to exploit those to the full this evening as I get bladdered with my best mates for New Years. I cannot wait. These are the nights you live for.

Anyway, I shall love you and leave you. Just remember one thing for me though. Remember the good times because the bad times spring up on you like a jack-in-the-box... (bad example).

Ciao x

A Face of Thunder...

... Is how I can describe the face of my Father today.. He was in an especially bad mood for some reason or another that I am not fully aware of. Me, being the pessimistic one, does think it's my fault. I mean, reversing into his car at 9pm was never going to improve his mood but he was extremely cold with me all day before that.

Maybe it's me not getting a job quickly enough but I can't help not getting a job so soon! He can be incredibly demanding at times and puts a lot of pressure on me as a son. Whether intentional or not I am not so sure - but thats just what it feels like.. He has always been great, I am not trying to make him sound like the Father from Hell because he is anything but, but he was brought up with discipline and I think he expects the same from his son..

Moving on, I did indeed get up at stupid o'clock yet again and it generally wasn't a very productive day, yet I am strangely confident of my job applications.. I will not disclose what type of jobs they are, (don't know why but it makes it fun!), but I have a sneaky feeling something good is going to happen and that really isn't my usual way of thinking! We'll see...

Once again however I would like to express how great the old buddies have been lately. Always offering an ear to listen to me droning is comforting and I would like to thank them for this. I am helping out in an interesting art project with a good friend which will be interesting to see how it unfolds and life doesn't look that bad....

I was just thinking.. the anti-depressants haven't been touched in a few days and I feel fine. I maintain it was that place of work that made me depressed but the depression is hanging on in there for the time being... what a strange place that brain of mine must be...

Ciao x

The Loneliness of Sleep

I don't know why I wrote that in the title.. just felt right.. It does have some meaning in it though. The current time is 1:36am and I have no desire to go to sleep soon so this means I'll end up waking up very very very late tomorrow - which means I miss most of the day.

My topic for the day children is New Years Eve. Not for so long have I looked forward to the magic that brings a new year and a new start. Usually, I laugh at people who think the change of a date brings a magical new start - but this year I see where they are coming from. I see the new year, except for a chance to get absolutely wasted, as a chance to start afresh and put the last year behind me.. which is exactly what I want to do. On top of this, I have recieved a few offers as to what to do on New Years Eve which makes me feel popular! :D

What's more I have found a renewed optimism to finding another job. I feel more confident that employer's will actually look at my CV before throwing it in the bin! Its a positive!

As for now, I will go back to listening to some music and chilling out until around 4am where I will undoubtedly feel a little tired and go to bed.. Same old?

Bye x

Just a Quick One..

Its 1:56am as I am writing this.. I have drifted back into my old habits I feared I would after losing my job and going to bed at stupid o' clock which means getting up half way through the afternoon, or getting up at normal time and feeling very tired...

The last day or 2 have been extremely wierd.. A best friend of mine of 15 years or so told me something incredibly surprising last night. I shall go no further as I promised him I will keep my pondering mouth shut. The truth is however, that I wasn't really surprised cos life can chuck nothing at me that is a surprise now.. The last couple of years have been full of nasty surprises that my whole life has become a surprise - and unfortunately not a Kinder one.

I shall leave you to ponder the thoughts of your own life and think ... Am I doing as well as I could be? I know the answer for me...

Bye x

Christmas Dreams

Last night, having got to sleep at about 3am, I had a very strange dream. I dreamt I was the head of a large hotel complex and hosted private parties for everyone in a mansion worth £100m.. I wouldn't consider myself an expert on reading dreams but I think this is the mixture of my feelings of wanting lots of money and wanting to party a lot lately...

Maybe it's just Christmas or maybe I just want to forget the happenings of this week for a while but my need to have fun is increasing. I was going to go out yet again tonight, but my body cannot take another beating so I'll save myself for the new year's do. My bank balance is always getting lower and lower and lower also... bad times..

Boxing Day is always rubbish. The day after Christmas Day as you ponder what you receieved for Christmas and then acting upon it.. same old. Having family round is always a pain aswell. It means you have to sit downstairs and listen to your 83 yr old grandma talk about her desperately low life doing nothing at all.. it gets depressing after a while... She's struggling..

I could really do with a kip right now but I have to put up with my family's droning for a while longer before crashing out on my cosy bed and forgetting all thats happened for a while. One question I have asked myself too much is "why is life this tough..."
If there is a God, why did he make trouble and bad things happen? Surely he wants a perfect world...

With that I will leave you with a thought... Anybody who thinks I can't do it anymore better step right back and TAKE THAT!

Tis' the season to be jolly

Its Christmas. As a kid, the best time of the year. As a teenager, not too bad. Now officially as an adult I can't be arsed. It's just too much effort to go and spend hard earned money on crap that people don't want just for the sake of buying them something. I mean my dear father asked for a jumper and a scarf. He'll wear them about 6 times in his life and that's that.

Today has been cool though. Went to town with Roger, (not his real name) and met a few of his strange yet exhilerating friends which I enjoyed. As well as that I have been an effective taxi driver shipping my mum and sister to town and back..

I always have had good memories of Christmas. Childhood was good for me and I know this year just ain't gonna be as good. What with a huge black cloud hanging over my life it really does feel like I have loads of other things I'd rather worry about than whether I'm gonna have another slice of chocolate gateau and whether to watch The Grinch or The Queen's Speech. It will drag past with family members asking how the job was going and me having to give them a bad and strangely embarrassing reply in return. Boy.. even Crimbo is tough nowadays..

Maybe I will go and get smashed on Christmas Eve and spend most of Crimbo Day in bed and it will go quicker? Thats not a bad plan... For now though I must suffer the inevitable - a cosy family Christmas.

Bye x

One of the Hardest Days...

Today has been tough, no doubt. The post earlier was just an outburst of a mixture of anger and disappointment but after thinking about it a bit more - I've concluded that I'm screwed.

I spent the best part of 6 months looking for a job and then when one does come along - it doesn't last - so I feel I am back at square one. People say "you now have experience" but 3 months worth won't count for a lot. I was just starting to get into the routine of getting up early and going to work and coming home at 6 - but now I know I will drift back into my old habits before I started work... it's really not good.

However, unlike most of the past 18 months or so, I have been trying to look on the bright side of things. I do now get a big christmas holiday which isn't too bad and its not as if I have no money to spend - just no more coming in for the time being..

I have been thinking of possible alternatives. University is an option, but do I really want to put myself in a mountain of debt just to fill 3 years of my life? Its a toughie. Finding another job is the most obvious option but with things as they are - this could take months.. Who knows!

The 'rents have offered their support as usual and I have turned it down... as usual... stating I can deal with it on my own. They say its my life and that I can do what I want with it yet they try and influence it anyway... I know they love me and care for what I do, but I feel I can get myself out of this.. however long it takes.

Nothing takes away the fact however that I have become another statistic included in the 'Unemployed' section. I am now classed as a bum until I find myself another job so I'm hoping that I am not labelled with this for a long time.

One thing is for sure... I can't wait for 2010... can't get much worse than 09!

Ciao x

Did I say KEPT my job?

I did... but for some reason that prick I used to call my boss decided to change his mind. I never really did like that place... but I have no quams in admitting im absolutely gutted. I did want a longer christmas holiday - but not an unlimited one...

So I'm left without a job. All the money I have is the money left in my bank account which is a fair dose of last month's pay packet but after that - zilch. Boy.. this is harder than I thought...



.........


EDIT - (2/11/2010)

Yep, about 10 months on from when I lost my job, I think it's time I admitted I told a little white lie. I didn't lose my job at all. I quit.

I'll tell you what happened. When I first started working there, I was given the position of Negotiator, renting out properties and conducting viewings and it was superb! Then, they hired a new guy. A pro with the university degree, flash(ish) car and stud earring and I was moved to Lettings Administrator. This is where things started to go wrong. I was ALWAYS bogged under piles of paperwork, dealing with countless complaints because we practically sold crap properties. One day, I made a massive mistake. I let a client go with over £2,000 rent owed and let her off scott free. I panicked. I went home for lunch, burst into tears and then rang my boss to tell him I was never returning. I couldn't face telling him I had lost him £2,000. That was that. I was scared of telling the truth, because I thought you would all hate me for throwing away a good job. Now, I know it's rubbish. I really didn't enjoy it anyway, and I have no regrets over my decision. Time to move on.

I don't like Mondays... tell me why?

Well I say I don't like Mondays but once again this one didn't seem that bad.. I kept my job which is a start and my probationary period got extended to March which ain't that bad I suppose! I was in the office on my own till 10am which meant an hour of dossing before any real work had to be done, which is always cool.

What does disappoint me though is that my colleagues, (mostly my seniors), preach about communication and how important it is and how I should do more of it - but they don't do it themselves, mostly leaving me to clean up the crap. I don't like people who preach a way of doing things without doing that way themselves. It's a form of hypocricy...

Christmas soon apparently.. I'm not feeling Christmasy at all.. this time last year I was looking forward to 2 whole weeks and a bit off but this year I have only 4 and a half days - which is a huge disappointment. I really do need a decent holiday...

Anyway, for now that is it. Tomorrow will be as average as usual no doubt and I won't have a lot to say... Watch out for a 3-page essay then. Cya x

Up, Down, Up, Down

Life has it's ups and downs. Take this weekend for example. On Friday, I didn't even make it to work cos I can not drive on sheets of ice, so I pied it! Originally I was thinking "LONG WEEKEND!" but as bosses do, they drop a bombshell and I had to work a boring 6-hour shift on Saturday.

Last night though was the bomb. Got home from work to find everyone had organised a mass night out in B-Town. Fantastic! Pre-drinks at mine with a load of mates and then minibussed it to town and got completely smashed before walking in the front door at 4 in the morning before crashing out in bed with a huge smile on my face. This is the life. Sunday morning though is the down side of this, and hangovers are not cool. Today has been fairly boring and gone past in a daze. No football to play in or referee, I had fook all to do.

I wanna go back to last night though. All my mates from school times had come back from uni and the reunion was magical. I had hugely underestimated how great it would be seeing all the old pals again, and we smashed it. What a night. I vaguely remember sending some stupid drunk texts, (I'm now a fan of them on facebook), and bought some people some ridiculously expensive drinks, but I really don't care. These guys are my mates and I love 'em all! Nothing can beat Mario's 10 Jaegerbombs and 4 VodBulls though... man that dude is rich!

It does feel like however, that with every UP there is in life there is an even bigger DOWN. The obvious one with alcohol is the fun followed by the hangover. But with anything, always seems the case. I always think things cannot continue being great for a length of time. Something shit always has to happen in the middle. Thats's life I suppose - but I hate it..

Oh and to make matters even more "amazing", I have just realised as I am typing this that my probation period at work ends tomorrow, which technically means I could lose my job - and I have a strange feeling something bad is gonna happen... but maybe that's me and my pessimistic ways.

I wanna re-live Saturday night....

Snow fucks everything up. FACT!

Mother nature usually picks a bad time to bring snow and today was no different. Weather forecasts predicted a "bit of light snow" but what we got was prctically a blizzard. So much was it, that not only my football was forced to be cancelled and tomorrow's training session but also my weekend trip to Manchester..

I had been looking forward to that trip but for once I had no choice but to accept my Dad's fledging attempts to stop me driving up there... "Police say you shouldn't", amongst other things. The fact of the matter is, it's icy out there and fuck me if I'm gonna brake and nothing happens. I'd rather not risk it just for a night out. Something a bit closer to home may be an option, considering I've got a whole lot of alcohol to see off. On the plus side, I now get to go for a curry. I do love a curry..

Aswell as this, work today was an absolute bitch. Mr Boss decided to have a one to one progressment meeting or whatever its called to check my progress since I've been there. Basically, I should be doing better but as long as I'm getting paid I don't give a shit. There is a lot of pressure surrounding that place and as I have explained before, I don't do pressure. It makes me act strange...

So the day hasn't been a success to say the least. And no amount of Anti D's can make you feel happy when you've had a shit day.. and it's bloody freezing.

Ciao x

Was it useful or pointless?

As mentioned before, I did promise a detailed account of my small excursion to Letchworth. What did happen however was a highly uneventful trip to Morrison's and around the area near Letchworth. To be fair, I thought it was a waste of an evening, but on reflection I think it may have been useful for the friend I took there.

She's a shy one and won't tell me much but I get the impression her life is gonna be a lot better thanks to the drive around God knows where. She knows why.

2 working days to go till our epic weekend in Manchester. The adrenaline is kicking in already!

Byeee x

Why

Why do I keep writing so regularly in this blog. Last 2 days I have written twice but maybe it's just I have something to write that can't wait until the following day.

Also, why am I such a coward? I have no issues with telling people exactly what I think of them, even if it's a bad thing yet I can't tell the rents a simple thing like 'I love you'. I thought about telling them my deepest, darkest secrets, but once again put myself off after imagining their reactions. It always happens. If anyone who is reading this. may it be 6 months or 6 decades in the future, please tell me a way I can do this. I may not have figured out a way of doing it when im 78 in 6 decades time... who knows!

What does tomorrow bring? It brings another "eventful" day at work and an interesting trip to Letchworth in the evening. I shall tell all, (without mentioning names of course ;)) in tomorrow's blog which I will undoubtedly write cos this blogging malarchy is getting addictive!

Ciao x

Average Guy Average Day

Its 9:45am. I'm sitting at my desk at work, on my own, while my colleagues are doing the interesting work out of the office. It dawns on me. How average am I? 18 year old who works monday - friday and parties at the weekend and plays football hungover on a Sunday before starting all over again. I'm nothing special.

I'm not saying today was a bad day. The afternoon was a bit slow, but I've definitely had worse. But I'm just saying that I go to work at 9am every morning doing the same day in day out, taking orders from my boss, (who ain't a bad guy). Ok, I'm not expecting to be the boss of a big corporation at 18 but part of me does regret not going down the university route. Especially around Crimbo time, most of my friends at uni are done and are partying hard while I'm at work finding out I have to work Christmas Eve, Boxing Day and NYD like a mule. Not good. On the plus side, I did get paid today while my uni friends are putting themselves in ridiculous debt just to get a certificate and £1.50 vodka red bulls.

While I am typing this, I am feeling very tired. It's only Tuesday and there are still 3 days before I can sleep a lot and recover, (mainly from alcohol fuelled antics). And I also found out I can go to the chemist and get a whole more lot of Anti D's! Yay!

Well, I don't have a lot more else to say. However, come later, my head will be full of more ridiculous metaphors to use. Cheerio x

I spoke too soon....

Well I was looking forward to tonight and it was going alright until my mate decided to headbutt the floor. Obviously, as is always the case, Mitten is the one who is gracious enough to take his friend to A&E - even if that place does scare the shit out of me.

I don't have the best of memories in hospital. Not many people do to be fair. But I spent what felt like most of my childhood in that place when I could of been out playing in the sun. When I walk through those doors into the reception area with it's grey-faced occupants and glum receptionist who doesn't like working night shifts - the memories come flooding back. They ask me what the problem is and for once it isn't me that needs attention. Luckily, I came home within an hour as my mate's parents turn up. I'm betting that I end up in that place within 6 months. Probably alcohol related.

On the brighter side, my trip to Manchester was confirmed today and I leave on Friday for the weekend. Last time this happened, it was the best weekend of my life so I'm determined to hope it lives up to it's rapturous expectations. We'll be wasted anyway so who cares.

As I speak about Manchester, my mates come to mind. Not often do I stop and think what a great help my mates have been to me over the past couple of years. When I have been unable to confide in my parents, some of my best mates have been there to lend their ears. They've been great. I still wonder how long it will take for me to jump my greatest hurdle however.....

As for tomorrow, I won't be able to get up as usual and I'll climb into my car thinking what a crap day it's gonna be after downing my daily dose of pill. Hopefully it will go as quick as today did - but I highly doubt it.

As Mondays go...

This one weren't that bad! I'm glad I got a few things off my chest during the intro bit yesterday - even if only 1 person knows about it!

Today was a strange one. I don't know a single person who likes getting up at 8am on a cold, winter morning when your bed oozes comfortableness - but some of us had work to do. Reluctantly, (I had to re-type that 4 times to get the spelling right), i got up, downed my Anti D's and went to work thinking what a shite day it's gonna be. What feels like 5 minutes later, I'm home and its 6.30pm! Niiice!

Depression can be handled. If you treat it with the respect it deserves and don't underestimate its power, then you can handle it. Today, even if it was a cold and dreary monday, I didn't feel the effects of it. This is a good thing and long may it continue.

Now I'm looking forward to tonight and ready to start all over again tomorrow. Life isn't that bad once you get to know it.

Cya x

Introduction to Me

Life. For the first 16 years you think it is tough because you have 3 pieces of coursework to do. Since that age, I have learnt that life gets a lot tougher and will get more tough until we end up in our wooden box. The last couple of years have been hard. I have put myself through a lot and put the ones I love through a lot aswell, for reasons I am not at all clear about.

We'll get to that later... for now though I will start off by giving you a brief introduction of my life so far. I was born, went to school, played football and PS2 and did my homework like a good little boy. I did tell you it was brief... Most of my school life was fairly easy for me considering what some of my mates went through. I'd like to think I was popular, although some people would disagree, and my life really hasn't been that bad. Things change though and unfortunately, they changed for the worse.

I've never been good under pressure. Pressure has always been my downfall and throughout later school years, I felt under immense pressure. Teachers saying you must do this and family saying you must do that when I wanted to do something completely different.. it takes its toll. I've been told that "its life" and to "get on with it" but sometimes I have just thought "fuck it" and have considered jumping off that bridge that goes over the River Ouse. It's not as bad as it sounds as it would be a soft landing.

My personality has changed drastically because of this. I used to be a shy, retiring young lad who didn't speak much and wasn't very outgoing. Now, I'm still not that outgoing but am not scared to say what's on my mind. Some people find what I think shocking or "wrong" but I honestly couldn't give a shit. Why should I lie about what I think just to make other people happy? Life has a lot more to it than playing football and killing a zombie or 2 on the latest console and people should learn to take the truth whether its what they want to hear or not.

Anyway, i'm getting off track. Where was I? Oh yeah! The last 2 years. Well, I've always maintained that my parents have been the reason why I lost it last year. I always thought that they were putting me under pressure for no reason. Now I know its just because they wanted the best for me. Back then however, I didn't think this and ran away from home on occasions. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. The hell I put my family and friends through wasn't fair on them - and I apologise gravely. Things are a little better now, but its not what it used to be. I only open up to about 2 people and neither of them are family members. Anyone who is reading this blog now knows more than my parents do as I don't have the bottle to tell them anything. I'm scared of what they will think of me.

On top of all this, I've been struggling to accept my sexuality. I am bisexual. So what? For years I thought it was wrong and freakish but now I accept it. One hurdle that I have failed to jump though is telling my family. My dad is a proud man. What would he think if his only son was bi? Who knows. Part of me thinks he wouldn't give a damn. The other part thinks he'll blow up and disown me. Most of you reading this are thinking "What is this guy chatting about...?" but this is just what I think. I fear what they think and I want them to be happy for me given whats happened the last couple of years. Someone asked me last week, "Forgive me if i'm wrong, but I heard u were gay?" I had no fear in telling him the truth. This time last year, I would have bricked it.

Things are settling down a bit now. I have a 9 to 6 job and earning money like any man should. My depression from the last couple of years has been slowly curing thanks to the docs and things are not too bad. I have one hurdle I need to jump though. I need to open up to my family. I know they think something is up as they ask me if I'm OK frequently. Every time, i say "all is well" when I know it isn't, and they know it isn't...

I really could go on forever about my feelings and subconsciousness but I get the feeling people have got better things to do! haha! If you are reading this and want to ask a question, please do ask. I love people enquiring about my life. Makes me feel cared for. I'll write in here when I need to let the world (or 3 people) know whats happening. Thanks for listening. x