My Thing

I don't know what has prompted me to write in here after such a long time without a personal post, but I guess the time felt right. Within these pages are reams of self-doubt, paragraphs upon paragraphs of lamentation and sentences that would prompt a crisis practitioner to run to what we call in the NHS, "the red phone".

Most of this was down to one huge issue. I have no idea what to do with my life.

Jumping from job to job, waiting for Friday nights and thinking I was doing alright because I played a bit of cricket isn't a sustainable solution for any life worth living. Somehow, as a man in his early 20's, I got away with it. I had the exuberance of youth and a well-functioning liver to be able to wing an existence, even if that existence was threatened from time to time. Even during 2019, I have wondered what the future holds and while I didn't have the answers; one lesson I have learnt is that something will always come up when you least expect it.

It's happened on a few occasions. Australia 2013 is the prime example and even though that ended badly, it was an opportunity that appeared like a shooting star out of a cloudy, dark night sky. I distinctly remember sitting on my bed with my laptop (predictably) on my lap, wondering where life was taking me when the initial invitation popped up via e-mail. Maybe there is a God...

Something similar happened a couple of weeks ago. While I can muster working as a receptionist on a children's hospital ward, the idea of doing it for the next 45 years or so, (or if the Tories get their way, 47!) doesn't fill me with excitement. Last year, I thought I had found my calling in the property industry which went as well as the Australian trip but once again, in a moment of deliberation, I got a Facebook notification directing me to a job advert.

'INTERN NEEDED FOR SPORTS DESK AT THE BEDFORD INDEPENDENT'

Everyone has a "thing". One thing, (or maybe more if you're lucky) that simply comes naturally to them. As if they don't really have to try. And at this point, it dawned on me. Writing and sport. The amount of people who have said I should consider writing as a career, in one form or another, written off by my negative thinking and lack of confidence combined with an obvious love of sport that even I can't dismiss. What exactly has been stopping me?

I always thought I had to go to university to get a journalism degree. Or at least study in some sort of form, for a considerable length of time and at reasonable expense but this opportunity - the latest in a long line of opportunities - has appeared like that shooting star. And I have taken it.

It's early days. A mistake I have committed far too often in the past is getting well ahead of myself and this time, I need to calm down. I'm not getting a full-time job in sports journalism for a long time yet. I'm going to have to make do sitting in my office chair on a paediatric ward for a while and that is fine. For the first time in a very long time, I can see a genuine future ahead of me. An actual road that doesn't end in a roadblock of alcoholic storms and breakdowns. I have learnt that it is okay to take the slow road as long as you keep moving forward.

Maybe I have grown up enough to now see things clearly. During very quiet times at work this week, I have re-read posts from 2011 and 2012 from this blog and instantly notice a sense of panic and distress in the words. As if I was screaming into the abyss. I hope nowadays, I have the self-awareness to keep a level head and not expect too much of myself. I am aware there will be work ahead and it may be difficult, but I have to try.

I remember a time when I broke down in an IT class as a 17-year old at school. I can't remember the reason why; for my mind was a cyclone back then, but my IT teacher; a Scouser by the name of Jacqueline Samosa told me, "Your Dad told me he doesn't care if you stacked shelves at Tesco as long as you're happy." It's a sentence that has stuck with me for a long time.

And I have been happy. This year has brought challenges, such as unemployment and money issues and work boredom and playing terribly at cricket but I don't take it to heart so much these days. I merely remember that my family are great, I have amazing friends and the future really isn't looking so bad.

As writer Matt Haig says, "Stay alive for the person you could become." For me, that sums it up perfectly. Who knows what is round the corner...