The Winter Ashes

Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come once again for the Three Lions to visit the Old Enemy down under in the latest instalment of an iconic contest. The Ashes.

In just over a week's time, England and Australia will battle it out over five test matches in Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne and Sydney as England look to retain the Ashes urn in the most hostile of environments. This guide is all you need to know about the current crop of players heading to the Winter sunshine and those they will come up against.

The Teams

Both teams have been Number One in the test rankings within the last five years, boasting world beating sides that have looked both imperious and consistent, however both England and Australia have their problems this time around.

Starting with the hosts, Australia have only played 7 test matches in 2017 and barring the impressive victory in the first test vs India, have failed to set the world alight. They are not the same dominant team some may remember from the 90s and 00s. They lost said test series against India convincingly, lost for the first time against Bangladesh in the sub-continent and endured a frustrating Champions Trophy campaign in England in the Summer and they seem to lack consistency; a key attribute of their world-leading hey day.

Opener David Warner is a key asset

for the Aussies.

Australia's star men live at the top of the batting order. The destructive David Warner has evolved from a Twenty20 specialist into a world-class all-round batsman, able to give Australia a quick start and instantly put their opponents on the back foot. On home turf, he has the ability and the experience to take test matches away from England, who will have to get him early to stop him in his tracks.

Alongside Warner, former court jester turned captain Steve Smith has transformed as a cricketer since the days of 2009 when he was the self-acclaimed "morale booster", languishing in the middle order of a losing Aussie side. He was tipped as the next Shane Warne, but 8 years later, he is now one of the world's leading batsmen, a consistent string of scores amplified by the burden of captaincy and the weight of a nation. He has an impressive record across all three forms of the game and will want to make the most of leading his nation in his first Ashes series as captain.

However, apart from those two, the Australian batting order is relatively inexperienced. Matt Renshaw will likely open with Warner with a mixed record but an ever-improving mentality for opening the batting. Renshaw could easily have been on the other side. Born in Middlesborough, he moved to New Zealand when he was seven and then on to Australia as a ten-year old, choosing to play for the country he grew up in ahead of his birth place. This series will be a hell of an occasion for him. Peter Handscomb has shown he can do a good job at number 4 and will be familiar with his opponents after a spell at Yorkshire and Hilton Cartwright may slot in below talismanic all-rounder Glenn Maxwell in a charismatic Australian line-up. Wicket keeper Matthew Wade, a regular figure behind the stumps, is under pressure for the first time in many years after a dire 2017. There are reports that there could be a shock return for Tim Paine, who has been in and out of the national side throughout his career. 

The bowling attack has the potential to be destructive, but is plagued with injury problems. Main man Mitchell Starc has had an impressive start to the Australian domestic season and will prove a handful, but the other main seam bowlers have their issues. James Pattinson and Pat Cummings, talented as they are, are injury prone but the man to look out for is Josh Hazelwood. The canny medium fast bowler could prove the key with a probing line and length, providing a change of pace amongst the rapidness of his teammates. Nathan Lyon will also prove a tough opponent when it comes to days 4 and 5.

Yorkshireman Joe Root took over the England captaincy

in the new year, and has won two test series out of 2.

The visitors have similar issues. A successful Summer results wise, there was an ever-increasing frustration about the lack of application shown in the top order. Alongside the ever-present Alastair Cook, Mark Stoneman has had a tough start but will be given the opportunity to stake his claim in more favourable batting conditions. The number 3 spot is likely to be given to Hampshire captain James Vince, who has a questionable test match record and replaces Tom Westley, who had a tough baptism of fire against South Africa in the Summer. The England selectors clearly think that Vince - a classical stroke maker - will fare better on flat Aussie wickets instead of the green tops of England. He will have to make an immediate impact however and will have to be much more mentally solid to keep his spot.

There are also questions about the number 5 role, with Dawid Malan currently occupying the spot. Alongside Stoneman, he has started the tour well with a couple of decent scores in the practice matches, but the jury is still out in regards to his temperament at the very top level. These three players hold the key to how competitive England can be in these conditions and will have to be on the very top of their games to succeed.

Sandwiching this batting order though is captain Joe Root, considered to be one of the three best batsmen in the world (alongside his Australian counterpart) and has the skill to really succeed in Australia. His first trip Down Under resulted in him being dropped for the final test of a 5-0 whitewash, so he will be keen to make new, better memories in his first Ashes series as captain. He has two series wins out of two so far as skipper; an impressive 3-1 victory vs South Africa and a not so impressive 2-1 win against the lowly West Indies, but this will no doubt be his toughest test. However, he seems to have a relaxed attitude to captaincy, certainly more attacking than his predecessor in Alastair Cook and with talent to back it up, plus a few canny overs with his side-arm off-spin, he is a key player in what will unfold.

In the bowling department, the England attack is spearheaded by the two leading wicket takers in English test match history in James Anderson and Stuart Broad. Both have plenty of experience of the harsh and brutal atmosphere of Australian cricket grounds and both have faced controversy in the past. Anderson, who passed 500 test match wickets in the Summer, will be keen to claim one more Ashes victory Down Under and Broad will hope to silence the crowd who will surely jump at every chance to belittle him. Backed up by Chris Woakes and a possible debut for Craig Overton, England's seam attack has good variety and lots of experience to help Overton settle in. Moeen Ali will provide England with a good spin option plus runs with the bat, while England possess something Australia don't, in a wildcard leg spinner. In 1993, a young blonde-haired Aussie leg-spinner bowled his first ball to Mike Gatting and clean bowled him in what was dubbed "The Ball of the Century". That man's name? Shane Warne. One wonders if Mason Crane will emulate that feat...

An ever-improving Jonny Bairstow will keep wicket, but if his hand injury is worse than feared, his back up is Surrey's Ben Foakes, who has been kept waiting in the wings for his opportunity and will be raring to go if Bairstow is not fit.

There is however one big name missing from England's line up, and despite the 'will he or won't he' of the past couple of months, it looks ever more likely that England will be without the glue that stitches the side together...


The Controversies

On the 24th September 2017, on the night of an England one-day victory over the West Indies, England all-rounder Ben Stokes was arrested for actual bodily harm outside a nightclub in Bristol. The fiery red-headed vice-captain had jeapordised his place on the England touring party, and indeed his career by getting into a fight, apparently defending two gay men from abuse.

Ben Stokes was arrested outside a nightclub in Bristol in 

September and will most probably miss the entire tour.

Mindless thug or hero, it remains to be seen, but while Stokes is under police investigation, he is unable to make the long flight out to Australia. In cricketing terms, England will miss his all-round skills, his leadership and the fire he possesses to gee his team mates up and leaves a big hole in the England side.

Stokes' career has been colourful to say the least. From the highs of a monumental 254 against the South Africans to the low of conceding 24 off 4 balls to lose the World T20, Stokes has endured the ups and downs this sport has to offer in it's most extreme. However, he will have to make do watching at home like the rest of us as he reflects on a turbulent few months.

The Australians haven't been able to avoid the back pages either, with an ongoing pay dispute only sorted in July. At one point, the Ashes series was under serious threat as the players and Cricket Australia disagreed on various contract issues. However, with that all sorted now, the players can concentrate on their cricket.

The History

One of the oldest rivalries in world sport, dating back to 1882, there have been many moments that will be remembered forevermore. Whether it be the aforementioned 'Ball of the Century', or the Bodyline Series of 1948, the Ashes is always a rollercoaster of emotions, resulting in a gripping, back-and-to series or, as we saw 4 years ago, a total capitulation by a troubled England side. In 2013, England were thrashed 5-0 with sagas plaguing the England camp. From Trott's mental health issues, to Swann's mid-tour retirement plus the questionable dropping of England's brightest talent, England capitulated to a shadow, haunted by the moustache of Mitchell Johnson and slaughtered by a baying home crowd.

This is what they are playing for. This tiny urn contains the ashes of a cricket bail, burnt in England in 1882 to signify the death of English cricket. Australia have the better record of test wins, however the series tally stands at 32 apiece. Both camps have their talents, but they both have their problems too. Australia are marginal favourites due to home advantage, but anything can happen in this most gripping of series.

It all begins in Brisbane at The Gabba, chillingly nicknamed 'The Gabbatoir; a place where Australia hold a very good record. Four years ago, England gained the upper hand by salvaging a draw in the second innings with a total of 517-1 - a record number of runs for the loss of one wicket in test history. Same again please.

Call Me By Your Name

This afternoon, I travelled to the Errol Flynn Filmhouse in Northampton to see a film that grabbed my attention as soon as it landed at the Sundance Film Festival way back in January. 'Call Me By Your Name' has received many compliments from the LGBT community for it's authenticity and sheer beauty, receiving a 98% approval rating on the popular film site 'Rotten Tomatoes'.

In comparison, multiple Oscar winner 'La La Land' has 92% and Jaws, 97%...

'Call Me By Your Name' is set in 1980s Italy, with 17-year old Elio (Timothee Chalamet) enjoying a summer writing music, reading copious amounts of books by the lake side and brooding around shirtless listening to Bach. Every Summer, his father, an American professor, invites his favourite student to his Italian household to help with research. This year it's the turn of Oliver (Armie Hammer), a strapping statuesque academic from the States, but throughout the film there are few references to work, with the family spending the majority of their time eating lunch al fresco, visiting local bars and swimming in the lakes.

Luca Guadagnino - the director - takes the time to set up the film in minute detail, the tension between Elio and Oliver building from the initial days of Oliver massaging Elio's back, much to the derision of the latter, right through to the inevitable; where the two accept their love; culminating in a scene where we see the pair make love as the camera respectfully moves to the window and a view of the hot, Summer night. In between however, the dynamic between the two is cryptic and sophisticated, almost as if they are trying to work each other out. Both engage in false heterosexual relationships, the use of the musical scores during scenes of love-making between Elio and his girlfriend signalling the smokescreen of lies.

In an odd kind of way, nothing happens during the film while everything happens at once. The relaxed atmosphere of a huge secluded house in the middle of the countryside is the opposite of the intense relationship that builds between the two protagonists. This is not your stereotypical "coming out" story, but instead a young man's realisation that love is love, and when both of them realise they love each other, the moving and sensual scenes that follow are heart-warming and brought a smile to my face. I thought that there would be a happy ending, as the pair travel to another part of Italy together, but with the impending deadline of Oliver's stay fast approaching, the separation of the pair brought yet more tears as the train pulled away from the station.

Elio's pain and grief of his loss hits him hard, but the film is concluded with a wonderfully moving speech by Elio's Father:

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30.”

His speech to an distraught Elio made me cry. It brought back memories of similar conversations with my loved ones; Elio worried about his family's reaction, his Dad accepting him for who he is as he noticed the relationship blossoming between Elio and Oliver. The overarching message is that sadness is a genuine emotion and an emotion not to be crushed or ignored, just like one's sexuality. Elio's slow moving tears down his cheeks, while he stared into the fireplace in the middle of Winter ended one of the greatest films I've ever seen, and I do not say that lightly. Whether gay or straight or somewhere in between, this film is a must see, the overarching message of love and loss is one that will make even the most hard-nosed man's bottom lip quiver.

I very often feel underwhelmed by films that have gained monumental amounts of praise, as I expect too much, but this film was everything I had wished for and more. I would highly recommend giving it a watch, before it moves on.

"I'm Tom, and I'm an Alcoholic"

Hi. I'm Tom. And I'm an alcoholic.

The time has come, dear reader, to delve into the pit of deep stories. Oh, you know the ones! 'Coming Out' and 'Not Coming Out' and 'The Guy Who Saved My Life' and so forth. Today, (or the past week) is the beginning of a new chapter.

I have said that a lot. If I had the time or the inclination to sift through the 638 preceding posts in this blog, I'll probably find 5 or 6 "clean slates". Except, on these occasions, the only weapon I have had is my will power. If you want to pit mental illness against your will power and nothing else, you won't win. If you want to pit alcoholism against your will power and nothing else, you will lose. On Saturday 16th September 2017, I fulfilled step one of the twelve steps to recovery.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

Over the years, I have gained a reputation. I'm the guy who is always drinking at the weekend. Always. I'm the guy who's drunk by 6pm on a Friday, without fail. I used to like that reputation. I used to like the attention that came with it, but no more. The fun nights out turned into dangerous escapades and then into extreme scenarios where my life was on the line. I am not exaggerating when I say I should be dead.

But I'm not.

Step 2: "Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I walked into my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at 11:15 yesterday. I sat and listened to a group of 25 people, of all backgrounds, explain how their "higher power" had taken their problems and let them live. What concerned me was that the default setting for a "higher power"... was God. Now, I try to steer away from religion for many reasons, mainly because it's an unwinnable argument for either side, but also because I am a staunch atheist. I don't think there is a God, a deity, a spiritual being. I don't believe in higher powers. And that is where I've been going wrong.

You see, I am the centre of my universe. My ego is out of control and ultimately, no one else matters except me. I am my own higher power. At least, I was. The concept of handing over your struggles to a "higher power" every day is a concept that scared me, especially when religion was cited as the default setting, but your "higher power" can be anything. At 11:15 yesterday, I thought I had landed in some twisted religious cult. An hour and a half later, I walked out with zero weight on my shoulders. It's a blissful feeling. And I want more of it.

What's more, I think I have found my "higher power". I would explain what it is, but it would involve going into a story that isn't my story to tell and I don't want to betray the protagonist. All I'll say is a date. 9th October 2015. For those of you who know what that date signifies, that day is my "higher power". The extremities, the journey and the perfect alignment of the elements is my "higher power". The pain of what could (and should) have been is my "higher power" and I will cling on to that throughout this latest journey.

This journey feels different. I feel this journey has a path and I have an end goal. I want to be sitting here, on this date in 2018 and say, "I've been sober for a whole fucking year!" While the temptations still exist and there will be difficult times, I know what I want now. I want that feeling of zero weight on my shoulders. I have truly started afresh, and that has involved admitting some dark secrets to friends and family over the past week and I am damn proud.

But the hard work starts here. The past week has been the honeymoon of my recovery, it's been 8 days since I held a mug full of medication over my mouth and was one swallow away from death. Every day has been a blessing, but as the trials and tribulations of every day life rear it's ugly head, the battle will intensify. This isn't going to be easy.

So while we drift into a new week, with the thoughts of a Monday plaguing our minds, just remember this: Today is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.

I'm Tom. And I'm an alcoholic.

Grieving For Someone You Didn't Know

This morning, I learned about the death of LGBT+ journalist, Dean Eastmond. I wasn't a close friend of his by any means; I had only conversed with him a couple of times on the phone and online, but the affect he had on me and on the LGBT+ community was profound.

He was diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma last year and his story has been well documented recently and for good reason. Throughout his cancer battle, he continued to fight for LGBT rights, including highlighting how same-sex couples can't access the others frozen sperm sample if the worst should happen. It's a horrifying and needless inequality that existed and I have to admit I had no idea about it, but Dean worked tirelessly to bring the issue to the public eye. All whilst fighting an aggressive form of cancer.

[You can read his article on the issue here : http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/cancer-diagnosis-young-age-20-being-gay-lgbt-infertility-sperm-freezing-didnt-expect-to-make-it-a7166311.html]

It feels very odd to grieve for someone I barely knew. I feel like I don't have a right to grieve as his friends and family do, but I feel very sad that Dean has passed away. He was a selfless man who had time for everyone, a very talented journalist and by all accounts a marvellous friend. It was a genuine honour of mine to write for the magazine he co-founded, HISKIND, which has become one of my favourite publications due to it's refreshing outlook on LGBT issues. It also featured our documentary on homophobia in football and ended up being one of my favourite summaries of the project.

There's not a lot more to say. Today is a very sad day and Dean leaves behind many loving friends and family. He will be hugely missed. Rest in Peace.

Reasons to Stay Alive

Part one of my two-part Matt Haig adventure has finished in me reading the final page of 'Reasons to Stay Alive', one of now many books out there about depression and anxiety and the unique journey of it's author, designed to give hope and reasoning to those of us who suffer from mental afflictions.

I'll be honest, I started writing a post earlier on alcohol. The last six weeks or so have been eventful, with the common denominator being alcohol. As usual. It's a familiar story, and a story that has no real ending, so I ditched it and picked up a book. This A5 sized book, with words of comfort and motivation inside, that explain at least a little bit of what I'm feeling.

My life is complex. I'm not special; most people's lives are, and probably like most others, I spend a lot of my time trying to untie it. The knots that appear out of nowhere, like earphones in your pocket, creating one more tiny problem to add to the mountain of other tiny problems that have manifested over time. I've always struggled to find the words to explain what happens inside my head, because I never know if they're really problems or not. I have no other reference point other than myself after all.

Reading this book has given me one important message though, and it is this. The number one reason to stay alive, is the possibility that my dreams might just come true. The tiniest of tiny hopes that the stars align on the most important of days, and the bricks fall into place. However slim that hope, the light may just exist, and being an atheist, the alternative really is eternal darkness. For example, how can I become a published author if I'm dead? Matt has a valid point...

Oh yes, I do still think about death. I don't talk about it much, because people roll their eyes, but it's true. It's almost a topic that doesn't illicit the response many think it should, because it's been a common theme for the last decade. I'm used to it. Suicidal thoughts don't just come when I'm in the midst of a low period; they are there most of the time. Even when I'm happy, it crosses my mind. Even when I find myself content, I still think it may happen one day. To some, that sounds defeatist. To some, that sounds horrifying. To me, it's just the reality I've come to accept. I've come to accept that one day, those flames may become too hot.

But, they may not.

That's where 'Reasons to Stay Alive' comes in. I look at my life now and there are many jigsaw pieces missing. One of Matt Haig's big comforts is his wife, Andrea. I've worked out that I am actually incredibly lonely. But to combat that loneliness - to defeat it - I have to combat other fears of mine. My complete lack of self-belief and the total lack of confidence stops me from finding it. An irrational fear; a complete fear of failure. Sometimes taking one step outside of my bedroom is like one step towards the mere base of Everest. It's like a cruel version of 'Six Degrees of Separation'. Six pieces of the jigsaw.

I suppose this is where my affiliation with alcohol comes in. When I drink, I feel the glimpses of confidence I once had. The short-term affect of alcohol; the Dutch courage that whiskey can give me, is a blessing from the battering my mind takes day to day. It literally gives me a break. No wonder alcoholism is a huge problem. In some ways, maybe I should give myself some credit to not falling into the trap more than I have done already. I KNOW what it can do to me, yet I push the boundaries. In some ways, I am lucky to have escaped with the battle scars I have, and nothing else. Will that stop me on Friday? That's the point I ditched the original blog. That's a whole different ball game. That jigsaw piece is particularly big.

Looking back to a decade ago, before all of this started, I was immensely confident. It was when I started to realise I was different to everyone else (gay), where things started to go wrong. When I was 16, I was performing on stage to hundreds of people. I was refereeing football matches where the players were twice as old as me. I even volunteered to play in the school samba band, despite having no musical knowledge whatsoever. Nowadays, I'm too anxious to return to the football arena in fear of being ridiculed, and not just about being queer. I'm scared of making a mistake. My latest attempt to get back on stage has resulted in me having a panic attack while thinking about what could go wrong and emailing the organiser to back out. I wouldn't even consider going near a kettle drum.

That is what hurts the most. That is what makes me sad. I know I'm someone else, but I can't find him. I long to have that confidence back, but I can't find the courage to go looking for him. The only thing keeping me alive is the hope that one day, I will find him. That one time I just manage to find the confidence - from nowhere - and it works out. That one spark that I can add wood and kindling to, day after day, instead of it sizzling out into a damp pile of leaves and I have to start again.

I'm also scared of being tired. I despise being tired. I simply cannot understand how people can know they're not sleeping enough and carry on with life without going insane. I have always had an odd relationship with sleep. I loathe the necessity of it, but I loathe not getting enough. I know I have to be awake at 6am on Tuesday and already the idea of it makes me feel sick. To make it feel okay, I'd have to go to bed at 6pm the night before, and that merely makes me feel inadequate. Only 2 year olds go to bed at 6pm. Therefore I have to make a choice between feeling sick or feeling inadequate. Even today, I've been tired and yawning all day and I got 9 hours sleep last night. I don't quite understand that...

There's another piece to the jigsaw. This huge, sometimes inescapable, never-ending jigsaw that is life that needs to be pieced together. A gale force hurricane raging against me as I hold on to that one reason to stay alive. The hope that it may just get properly better. I may just find a piece of the jigsaw that shows me what I am capable of. At the moment, it's just a conglomerate of shapes that don't fit in any holes. That's my mind at the moment.

I'm just holding on to that one reason...

We Are Gay and We Love Football Too

A few posts back, you'll see that I wrote a blog about being in a BBC documentary. Well... It's now out there for the world to see and the feedback we received and still are receiving has been incredible. The whole world of filming, to meeting like-minded people and other gay footballers to the actual bizarre feeling of watching yourself on TV... The whole thing has been a fantastic experience.

There was a point very late on when I had a funny feeling it wasn't going to be broadcast at all. At exactly the same time, out and proud rugby player Gareth Thomas released a documentary for BBC Wales about the same subject, and I thought it may be a case of not releasing two shows on the same thing. But, luckily, that wasn't the case.

The filming itself wasn't what I imagined. It lasted over a period of a week, with Friday and Saturday constituting the main days. There was a lot of waiting around. The documentary itself is only 18 minutes long, and we were probably being filmed for a total of around 4 hours, while being on set for maybe around 24 hours in total. That's 20 hours of nothing... Especially on the Saturday, when I was at the venue for over 12 hours plus travelling to and from South London, it did feel like a marathon. However, seeing the final result has made it all worth it.

The documentary itself includes my own personal story of experiencing homophobia in the game and also follows LGBT team London Titans, who I joined up with on Saturday to play in a 5-a-side game against a generic "lads" team. Charlie, Jasper, Callum and Joe were my teammates for the day and all of them were absolutely awesome people. Oddly, I had my own preconceptions about what they would be like - for certain attitudes are engrained into your psyche regardless of your own sexuality - but they were just footballers. And very good ones at that. The 5-a-side game lasted about an hour, and it was extremely competitive. The "lads" team had confessed they were desperate not to lose, as if losing to a "gay team" would hurt their egos. And I think we felt like we were representing gay footballers on the whole and was desperate to not let them down. We lost in the end by a couple of goals but it was a close fought game. It was also close to 30 degrees, so by the end I was absolutely ruined, and I was only in goal! I can't imagine how the others felt...

It was also quite amusing to film out on the streets in Bedford. Walking down the street being followed by a film crew made me feel important and we got a few comments from people. It was pretty cool, I have to say!

However, the best thing to come out of all of this is one comment from a complete stranger on Twitter who private messaged me, telling me he was going to try and join a team this season. He had been afraid to do so, for the same reasons all of us gay footballers are, in fear of having to hide themselves and/or face abuse. To hear that this 18-minute documentary has helped him find the confidence to play football again is the best thing in the whole world to hear. I'm not afraid to admit that it brought a tear to my eye and I am SO PROUD of everyone involved in the documentary who helped make a difference. To hear we actually changed someone's life for the better is humbling.


...


You can watch the documentary here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0590b6d/we-are-gay-and-we-love-football-too?ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbc_radio_1&ns_source=twitter&ns_linkname=radio_and_music

I Was Beaten Up for Being Gay

I've always tried to write things in here, good and bad, so I can look back on experiences. I always thought it would be good to be reading this in twenty years and have all of these stories to recount and memories to remember.

There are a lot of negative stories and emotions in here, and unfortunately I'm about to add to that list. On Friday night, after walking home from a night out, I was attacked in a dark and murky side street in Bedford. Looking back on the events of a couple of nights ago, I suppose I was a tad foolhardy in my actions, in a number of ways. First of all, I walked home on my own. After 8 years of nights out, I have always walked home as I live nearby and I suppose I am quite lucky that nothing like this has happened before.

Second of all, I was a victim of my own values. I have always tried to stand up for what is right and do the right thing, but on Friday night I now know that there are times where you just need to shut up. I remember a diagram on a two-day residential course I was once on with Stonewall. We were having a discussion on authenticity and learning how to be yourself as much as possible. It was split up into four squares with segments. Two halves were split into 'safe' and 'unsafe'. The other half was 'certain' and 'uncertain'. When is it safe to speak up? And are you certain about it?

 Friday night was very uncertain. And most definitely unsafe.

I suppose the story starts a few hours earlier, when someone called me a "faggot" in a pub. It hurt to hear that word said in such a way, but despite the protestations of my friend, I simply told him to move on and ignore it. (I genuinely think that since the boxer, Floyd Mayweather used that word in a promo for his fight against Connor McGregor - a worldwide box office event - people have felt validated to use it, but that's another story...)

The night wore on. I probably had too much to drink if I was being honest; another mistake that I make far too often, and it was 3am by the time I decided I should really call it a night. It was only a five minute walk home for me, an excuse I always use to validate walking home by myself at that time of day. I was distracted by being on my phone, so planted myself on the floor to sit down (that was stupid in itself), and was texting away until I realised I was sitting on the floor in the middle of a dark street. I got up really quickly, and into the way of a guy and his group of friends, maybe about 6 or 7 of them. I apologised, and again I heard that word.

"You fucking faggot..." Off the cuff. Almost ignorantly. The second time I'd been called that in the space of a few hours, but unlike last time, I suppose this hit a nerve. A mixture of annoyance at the continued use of a homophobic slur in my direction and some twisted form of Dutch courage led me to say something that would put me in a whole world of unwanted danger.

Before I had worked out what the potential consequences were, I heard myself saying, "So what if I am? What's it got to do with you? Fuck off." Foolhardy, yes. There was six of them and one of me, in the middle of the night down a dark side street. I've seen enough films to know what happens next, and before I could do anything, I'd been punched in the side of the head. I fell to the floor and felt repeated kicks to the side of my head. And then that word again... "Fucking fag".

They ran off.

I have no idea what they looked like, or how many of them were involved.

I was left bleeding on the concrete outside an old café I used to frequent on a regular basis. It all happened so quickly, and I can still feel the brutal impact of those kicks. It was like a bomb going off inside my head, but in some perverted way, I am quite lucky to only get kicked a few times. Part of me is reluctant to call it a "homophobic attack" - it was an assault with the use of that word... That damned word... Whether that fits the criteria, I don't know. I've been encouraged to report it as a hate crime instead of an assault, but honestly... Part of me just wants to get on with life now.

It's just a real shame that this kind of thing happens at all. Regardless of whether you want to call it a hate crime or not, I cannot understand what possesses someone to kick someone in the head repeated times. Like I say... I could have been left with worse injuries than a busted jaw, a fat lip and a few bruises. You hear horror stories of life-changing injuries or worse and I'm lucky that isn't me.

Empty Rooms

I look up at your broken bricks
as I walk past on a rainy afternoon.
That life I was promised those years ago,
shines as bright as a full moon.
I think back to those crazy nights,
of screams and whispers of thought.
Those empty words and empty secrets,
now blessed with empty rooms.

Much history resides in this gloomy edifice,
the remains of morbid mistreatment.
Grief-stricken and shocked,
all three times I was there,
only memories have beaten the clock.
Those empty promises and empty pacts,
now blessed with empty rooms.

The demons of past and present
are locked inside that nest.
From both sides of the coin,
that world was too tough
to swallow and to digest.
But I’m here now,
walking past on the outside.
Past the empty pledges and empty oaths,
now blessed with empty rooms.

I will continue to walk past you,
with a grand smile across my face.
Your existence is now futile
and I have won this race.
Your purpose is now gone,
your raison d'être, dead.
I will now live my life
with vigour and with no dread.

I will continue to walk past you,
with a grand smile across my face.
Past the empty words and empty secrets,
now blessed with empty rooms.

Opening Up

I have never been very good at talking about things. Despite everything that has happened, the stories of which reside in these pages, I am still quite bad at being open and honest with how I'm feeling. I'm getting better, slowly but surely, but I do still bottle things up. I was blessed with my Father's stubbornness.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been reading an autobiography written by Robbie Rogers, a professional footballer in the USA who happens to be gay. He speaks about how he couldn't communicate his secret in fear of the reaction. That's the best way to describe why I can't open up. The fear of the reaction. Everything from my sexuality to battling depression, I would always be scared that those closest to me would turn around and laugh it off, or tell me to get on with it. When you think that way for so long, it becomes a deeply engrained part of your personality. A particularly stubborn stain on your bright white shirt.

It was the very reason I started this blog in December 2009. Writing things down was a way of getting things off my chest. It wasn't as effective as physically telling someone, but it was better than nothing. Writing was, and still is a form of therapy for me.

Robbie Rogers used e-mail to communicate his secrets, which reminded me of the time when I used to as well. Except in my case, the recipients were sat in the same building as me. I would be upstairs in my bedroom while my parents sat downstairs watching TV, and I would type out my feelings and e-mail it to them. I would never get a response via e-mail. I would wait anxiously for the unmistakeable sound of footsteps up the staircase and the faint knock on the bedroom door. Mum would be on the other side, as she'd try and coax answers out of me.

It sounds ridiculous now, but I was so scared of actually talking about it, that I felt it was the best way. Reading about Robbie Rogers' emails reminded me of the email I sent to my parents when I admitted I needed psychiatric help. A huge moment for someone so young and it was the signal for the long journey to recovery.

Due to the wonders of modern technology, I managed to find this email. I have read it back countless times this evening, as the memories of typing it come flooding back...

...

Dear Mum & Dad

I have no idea whether or not I am doing the right thing here, by typing out my feelings like this, but I cannot keep my feelings to myself a day longer. Every single night, I lie here telling myself that I will face up to my problems tomorrow. I will tell Mum what is going on, and I will go to a doctor and seek help. Every single night, I cry myself silently to sleep, hoping that tomorrow is the day I finally face up to it. When morning comes, I have lost my bottle. This is why I am typing this out at 3am, and emailing it to you. I know I won’t be able to tell you face-to-face, and by the morning, I’d have somehow lost my nerve. Somehow, in the few hours I have been asleep, I have convinced myself that I can continue fighting this on my own. A wave of disappointment hits me, and most mornings, I do not want to be awake. I suppose this is why I try and stay in bed for as long as possible. I don’t want to face the outside world. All I want is to forget what is happening to me, and go back to sleep, the only place where I don’t have to think about what is going on. From the outside, it just looks like laziness... And even now, it sounds like an excuse... For years, I have felt I stood a chance in fighting whatever is going on in my head, by myself, without needing to involve others. I know it can’t go on like that.

I cannot imagine how frustrating I must be to live with. The expectation when I start something new, the feeling that maybe I have found something that I can stick to, only to watch me fall apart and fail, again. However much it looks like that I am not bothered with what I do with my life, I can guarantee that no one is more ashamed of it than me. I want, more than anything in the world, to be normal and happy. Whatever lives inside my head is stopping me from being that. Not every day is a bad day. Some days, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I can be myself. But on the bad days, (what I call the ‘dark days’), I can see only black. The description sounds stupid, but all I can see is negativity, no light at the end of a never-ending tunnel and darkness. I see no future, so I see no point in trying to fight for a future that isn’t there. Reading it back, it makes little sense. But that is the only way I can describe it.

I’m finding it very difficult to explain how I’m feeling, even without the pressure of talking face-to-face. My head is an absolute mess. I usually get the impression that you don’t understand how I’m feeling. To be honest, I don’t blame you. I know on countless occasions, you have told me that going out and keeping busy will make me feel better, but on bad days, this is the last thing I want to do. Again, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You say things like, “everyone has miserable days", but this is different. Not everyone cries themselves to sleep at night. Not everyone has the best friends a guy could ask for, yet feel so alone. Not everyone has something inside them that physically stops them from progressing. For that is what this is. A physical illness. It is not a case of “something to get over” or to “get on with”. Whatever this is, is physically stopping me from getting on with my life. It is physically stopping me from applying for jobs, it physically stopped me from surviving University, and it will continue to physically stop me until I sort it out. I know that now. I need you to understand that this is physical. It is very real. It is not a figment of my imagination, or something I can beat with a bit of “positive thinking”, or giving it some time to go away on its own. I need a program of sustained professional help, from some sort of counsellor or psychiatrist. It is this I need help with. Quitting job after job, and quitting university was not a case of avoiding hard work, but a case of this ... This thing inside me. This thing that makes me panic and worry and think the worst things. I cannot get past it.

I have said many times, that all I want is to be left alone. It sounds incredibly stupid, but these are the times I need you the most. Like last Tuesday, (and a few other times), where Mum shouted at me for still being in bed. I know what it looked like. It looked like extreme laziness, but that was me in an extremely fragile state, of which you weren’t to know. All I wanted was to be shut off from the world, until I felt safe enough to come out. One thought led to another, which led to what you could call, a breakdown. I have had these in the past. The time I ran away from home, when I was still in Year 13. The time I ended up ringing you at 5am, after a heavy night in Manchester, and revealed all about my sexuality. My sexuality is something I am not bothered with anymore. I have accepted who I am on that front, and I talk openly to my friends about it, and even take a bit of “banter” about it from them, all in good faith. However, both of these times, and a few more that you do not know about, I genuinely thought about taking my own life. It had got so bad, and I could see nothing good about anything, that it seemed like the only option. Thankfully, I think I could never do anything like that. But I know for certain I cannot live the rest of my life, fearing the next day.

I’m sorry it has had to come to this. Writing it down in some sort of letter, and e-mailing it. Even the thought that I cannot open up normally to my own family sends me into despair. You may still not understand a single word of what I have written, but that is the best way I can describe it. When you read this, probably tomorrow evening when you open your emails, I will most probably be upstairs in my room, trying to avoid things. If you come up and speak to me, I will most definitely try and avoid answering questions, and persuade you to leave me alone. I don’t know why that is. Show me this letter, and tell me it has to be sorted now. We can plan a trip to the doctors and take it from there. I need you to do this for me because, as extraordinary as it may sound, I will probably have convinced myself that there is nothing there to treat. I will have persuaded myself that this is nothing I can’t handle myself. It sounds crazy, I know. I will probably need you to come with me to these sessions as well, however much I dislike the idea at the time. It is an impossible situation to put you all in, especially Mum, seeing as you are home more often than not. Despite probably running on empty with the patience you have given me, I need you now more than ever.

I hope you are not angry reading this. Clicking ‘Send’ on the e-mail may well be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it is my last shot in letting you all know what is happening to me. It’s going to be a long road, but I need you all to help me through it. At times, I will be incredibly reluctant to seek help, as I am the sort of person that doesn’t like other people helping me. I cannot thank you enough for the help you have tried to give me, even if it has looked like I have thrown it straight in the bin. I will understand if you don’t want to help me anymore, but I hope you have enough left in you to help me overcome my biggest hurdle.

Tom x


...

Lights, Camera, ACTION!

If you follow me on any social media channel going, you'll know that I have spent much of this past week filming a documentary on homophobia for the BBC. I mentioned it in this blog a while back, but it got delayed for one reason or another. This past week, I have learnt a lot about the world of television, met some incredible people and made some amazing memories.

On Tuesday, we spent a few hours in the morning asking questions to football fans in my hometown of Bedford. We asked them about the lack of diversity in football, the absence of an out gay footballer in top-flight leagues and what can be done about it. I won't give the answers away, but we got some interesting responses! Tuesday was the small stint, as we strolled around Bedford town reigning people in, as if we were internet salesmen.

The real action began yesterday (Friday), with a whole day filming in my flat, in the local LGBT bar and at Kempston Rovers FC. We started off the day in my humble abode; the living room was temporarily transformed into a film set. My small coffee table was shunted to one side as Alfredo the Camera Man messed about with different angles and lighting as we milled around.

Before I go any further, the phrase "milling around" is one that took on a new meaning for this weekend. You'll know what I mean when I explain what happened.

So, about 30 minutes of trial and error, finding the absolute perfect degree of lighting and the best angle, myself and my friend Robbie began our conversation on the issue of homophobia in football. Again, I won't give too much away, but we got a lot of compliments on how comfortable we were on camera and the nature of our conversation. Robbie asked a lot of probing questions and I think we did really well. The conversation continued outside, as we were filmed walking towards the pub. The walk from my flat to the pub is about ten minutes max, but this particular walk took 3 or 4 times longer. The main road towards the pub is a hub of activity, and we got a lot of awkward looks as a full film crew followed us down the road.

"Are you BBC News?!" shouted one onlooker. We smiled and waved him on... We got a lot of that...

The conversation continued at the pub, as we bought an early afternoon pint. Most of it had gone by the time we actually started filming again. The lighting had to be perfect etcetera etcetera. I do appreciate that these things need to be spot on, so we waited patiently talking about anything. The Champions Trophy final. Funny incidents from the club. The surreal nature of being in a BBC documentary...

We had probably been at it for a few hours before we made the trip to our third and final location, Kempston Rovers FC. Robbie's official job was done, but he came along to have a look. I knew that we would be filming a lot of my personal story for the rest of the day, so had to re-focus and reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, for the greater good.

On paper, the idea of telling my own story of homophobia in football sounded like a really great and noble one. When it came to actually doing it, in front of a camera knowing that this was definitely going to be broadcast was another kettle of fish. However, before we got to that, we worked on a few theatrical shots to fill the gaps between the content. We come to another personal hurdle to jump, and it's one that I wasn't expecting...

The idea from the directors was that they would film as I got changed from my "normal" clothes into a football kit. It's a go-to shot for filming anything football related it seems. As soon as they suggested it I thought, "Uh oh". My kebab and JD filled stomach isn't ready for BBC exposure just yet! It's not a topic I've touched upon very much, but I, along with a lot of people I suppose, are quite body conscious. Not to the degree of it being dangerous - I'm not that fussed about getting my body out. I don't do anything to help myself in all honesty, (he types as he scoffs quickly-bought chicken and chips), but this is a show that will (hopefully) be watched by thousands of people. This was a tad different.

However, the shot was simply from behind me, with my upper back and head in shot as I changed my shirt. I am quite lucky that I've got broad shoulders so it actually looks like I'm quite athletic (I say in hope!). It's just the beer belly where things get messy! It was very odd being asked to change from normal shirt to football shirt about ten times while they got the perfect shot, but I was kinda glad when we called "cut!" for the final time on that particular segment.

Things got serious outside, as we filmed more theatrical shots that included a camera going round me in circles as I did some kick-ups and tricks, which was pretty cool. It was nice to know that I've still got the moves! Hopefully they'll make the final cut! Then, possibly the most important part of the whole documentary for me, was my own personal story of experiencing homophobia on the football pitch a couple of years ago. The whole story is a few posts back on this blog, so if you want to know more, then hunt that down. But that took a good hour and it was very, very tough.

It's only been a few months since I've spoken about what happened before, but the reality of what we were actually doing here really hit home at this point. It's one thing writing about what happened. It's quite another knowing you're going to be on TV talking about it. We got through it though, even if hayfever was severely impacting my ability to talk properly at this point, and after a couple more theatrical shots of me trying (and failing) to smash the ball into the top corner of an empty goal, we called it a day. 8 hours later...

We move on to today, the final day of filming. I had to make the two-hour trip to Beckenham, South East London for this one, at a place called 'Goals', which was a huge place made up of 10 five-a-side pitches and a neat bar/café. It was a pretty impressive place, and it was also the location of a game that was going to happen between a gay-friendly side called London Titans and a "normal" 5-a-side team.

(For the purposes of explanation, I'm going to use "gay friendly" and "normal" to differentiate. Don't read anything into it!)

It was a few hours before we started working at all, as I arrived at 10am and the rest didn't turn up until about 1 o'clock. Again, (I'm not sure why), the directors wanted footage of the Titans getting changed into their kit. A couple of them found this slightly odd, (I got the impression one of them had serious reservations about getting his kit off in front of camera - which is fair enough - it is quite an ask if you're quite conscious about it), so the "normal" side did that bit. A couple of them were pretty hot to be fair, so they had no qualms about showing off in front of camera!

Another delay as the film crew got out their perfectionist hats once more as we took a few takes to film me putting my gloves on. As soon as we had done that, we were out on the pitch. Myself in goal, Calum, Jasper, Joe and Charlie out on pitch. We also borrowed a 6th player as a sub, a very good player called Az, for good reason, as it was ABSOLUTELY SWELTERING.

Now, I never knew how difficult it is to play football in near 30 degree heat, but I can tell you it is not very pleasant. The nearest I can get to was a weird early October heatwave about 5 or 6 years ago, when I refereed a game in similar temperatures, but we were out on that pitch for a good few hours today. I was wearing a long-sleeved goalkeeper jersey with thick goalie gloves on, and within half an hour, I could feel myself losing weight.

Yes, that's probably a good thing.

Our 40-minute game, (that was extended to nearly 50 minutes for reasons unknown*) was actually extremely competitive. Here were two teams, playing in a recreational game of 5-a-side with nothing riding on it, taking it very, very seriously. I knew it wasn't going to be a casual kick around, but within 5 minutes, I realised I had to be on the very top of my game. I didn't want to let down my new teammates, as I worked out very quickly that we were, in effect, representing a whole community out there. We didn't want to lose, or even worse, whitewashed, especially as it was all being filmed. I played pretty well, considering it was the first time I'd played in goal in over two years. There were no calamities and I made a few decent saves but we lost out in the end by a couple of goals.

It was extremely warm work. I struggled out there and I did nothing but make a few saves. The guys who were running around doing all the hard work were absolutely spent by the end of the game. A couple of them admitted to feeling light-headed. The production team wanted to carry on doing some more shots and theatrical set ups and you could sense the players getting more and more annoyed and flustered as they were asked to repeat and repeat and repeat for another hour after the actual game had finished.

I can tell you, if I heard the phrase, "That's perfect! Let's do it again!" one more time, I'd have walked off. This whole experience has been absolutely incredible, but the one minor flaw in it is the sheer amount of "milling around" that was done. I would hazard a guess that I was on set for around 24 hours this week, and I was involved in about 2 or 2 and a half hours worth of film, that will be cut down to accommodate a 30-minute documentary.

That's a lot of waiting.

One final sum up of the events later, involving me lacing up my trainers with rainbow laces, and after being on set for nearly 11 hours, I started my journey home with a smile on my face. At times this experience has been long-winded. Our original plan was to film in April/May and for it to be broadcast by now, but it didn't turn out that way. There was also a brief scare as I had to find someone to cover for me at work for today's filming - the main part of the documentary - or face being dropped from it altogether which would have been heart-breaking given how much I have looked forward to doing this, and the sheer importance of the topic we were facing. However, it all worked out in the end and I simply cannot wait to see and hear the final product.

If ever anyone else gets an opportunity to do something similar, for whatever reason, do it. Be prepared for a lot of waiting and a lot of constant and seemingly needless adjustments along the way, but when you actually get down to filming it, the experience of being on camera is amazing. It's a brief glimpse into the world of a film star. To say that you've been the subject of a documentary about trying to make a positive change is just brilliant and something I'll remember forever. I'm really looking forward to the reaction it gets and if anything changes as a result.

The documentary is going to be broadcast on Thursday 3rd August on BBC Three and on iPlayer, with a radio documentary also in the pipeline (details of which are TBC). Put it in your diaries!

*We think the directors tried to extend the game so we had a chance of winning... We didn't.

One Year On From Pulse

On 12th June 2016, Omar Mateen shot dead 49 people and seriously injured another 58 in the worst mass shooting in American history and the deadliest act of terror since 9/11. The attack took place at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, Florida on a special Latino night for the LGBT community.

I don't tend to remember specific details about these sorts of events. Who would want to? But I didn't have to look any of that up whilst typing this tonight. I remember the exact amount of people who died. I remember the exact amount of others who were injured. I remember the nature of the night it happened. And I remember the name of the callous coward who committed the atrocity. I remember the exact moment as I saw the BBC break the news and the stream of comments on Twitter afterwards. I remember the hours, watching intently into the early morning, as if I was watching some sick horror movie but with tears streaming down my face. I remember the pain.

This happened miles away, on the other side of the world's largest ocean, but the impact it had on me, and many others was profound. Even a week later, the lonely LGBT bar in our non-important town of Bedford in England was quiet. The idea of a safe place for queer people had been smashed before our very eyes, in bloodshed and in war. All of a sudden, despite this murder taking place in a far away land, I felt a tinge of anxiety. That safe place had gone.

I remember the very first time I stepped foot in a gay bar. The Barley Mow, standing tall for nearly two centuries, welcomed it's newest member. A whole new world of camp, of drag queens and language. A plethora of camp; a concoction of dance moves, wigs and in-jokes creating a brand new world. A bubble of fun and ridiculous cocktails.

On 12th June 2016, the bubble burst.

It's difficult to explain the emotion of that night. Part of me felt immense pain, yet part of me felt like I shouldn't. I didn't know any of these people. I have never even been to the States. Yet, I knew of their struggles. Their desperation to be themselves and to be accepted and that huge sense of relief when you step inside four walls that accept you. Where you can be as gay as you damn well wished without fear of repercussion or violence. In a very small yet significant way, I felt connected to them.

That night, I took my Pride flag from out of my work bag and pinned it to the bedroom wall above my bed. It remains there to this day, reminding me how lucky I am. How lucky that I wasn't born 30 years ago and lived through the extreme prejudice and the AIDS crisis. How lucky I am that I was born in a country that (eventually) gave us equal rights, and not Iran or Chechnya. How lucky I am that there were people out there who were willing to give their lives and their blood so we could live ours so freely.

And I prayed.

I don't know why. I am by no means religious, but I did so because I wanted those 49 people to end up in a place where they could be happy. In sheer desperation I suppose, I wanted there to be a God so that he could comfort them. I prayed for those 49 souls to be given the opportunity to be themselves, wherever they may be and to continue living the lives their predecessors had granted them.

Life Goes On

Hello. Been a while...

I haven't neglected this blog on purpose. I usually have words to write, or problems to digest but everything has been going so swimmingly lately, it's hard to know what to put. With the copious amounts of problems written in these dark pages, it feels odd to write in it with nothing to say. Apart from the fact that life is good. Life goes on.

The whole documentary life has been a bit stop-start recently, but with confirmation of the first filming date on 10th June (shit, that's in 9 days time!) that really will kick on from now. I believe the broadcast date is on 4th August, so I will be plugging that 'til kingdom come closer to the time. I was thinking about the whole thing earlier, whilst coasting along the country roads of Maulden in my new job that I have settled into like a duck to water. It really is such a unique and amazing opportunity and I am so excited to get going.

Ahh yes. The new job. Of course, things weren't going well in the old one but this new jaunt into the working life, a mere delivery driver for Argos, is right up my street. It only took me eight years, but the fear of being judged for what you do for a living is gone. I happily walk to work sporting my bright yellow Argos hi-vis and have since worked out that no one really gives a damn. Working as a 'Data Analyst for the NHS' sounds pretty up market after all. That isn't why I pursued that kind of work, but it played a tiny part in me not looking for something I enjoyed but may be seen as crap. Or "not ambitious enough". Or "not fulfilling my potential".

It's always been a weakness of mine. I do care of what people think of me, and this stretches back to the school days.

I remember times when I loved playing snooker with my Dad, but was embarrassed about walking the short walk from the car to the snooker hall, cue in hand, in case anyone from school saw me and took the mickey for liking snooker. It's utterly ludicrous looking back on it, but that's just who I was. In some ways, it still is who I am. But I've been through too much to care a lot these days.

So, that's basically it. A smooth road lies ahead, and I'm very confident I can keep it smooth. This is a brand new feeling... And I like it very much!

Eurovision 2017 - The Review!

So there we have it... Another Eurovision has been and gone, with a lot of us sporting Eurovision-sized hangovers and we have another winner to add to the long list, that includes Katrina... She just had to remind us didn't she...

As ever, I am here to review the 26 final songs along with their final standings and total points. For the first time in a long time, I went to bed highly disappointed with the result. But what's Eurovision without a few injustices along the way?

....

1) Israel - IMRI with 'I Feel Alive' - 23rd with 39 points

Official Video

Kicking off the show is never an easy task, even for the most seasoned of performers, but the producers felt it right to begin with this number. Slow start, beautiful man showing off his biceps and a few high notes to finish, it was a solid beginning and although 23rd is a harsh final placing, I'm not altogether surprised. I liked the song, but it was never going to be up near the big guns ... Pun intended...

2) Poland - Kasia Mos with 'Flashlight' - 22nd with 64 points

Official Video

Ahh yes... The dreaded 2nd spot on the running order. In 61 editions of the Eurovision Song Contest, no one has ever won from 2nd place, and it was never going to change in the 62nd. In fact, I don't think it will ever change...

A highly forgettable song if ever there was one, Kasia almost knew she didn't have a chance so went gung-ho with the performance. I actually liked the performance; her voice and dress were beautiful but the song just isn't up there with what's required at Eurovision any more. I went to pour myself another drink...

3) Belarus - Naviband with 'Story of my Life' - 17th with 83 points

Official Video

This is the first time Belarus have entered a song that is completely in their native language, which is a big plus for the 'Celebrate Diversity' tag line, but could have cost Naviband a few points. Again, being so early in the running order doesn't help and the boat they were stood on broke down... I didn't think much of the song, or the staging, or the performance... Deserved to be hidden away on the right hand side of the scoreboard...

4) Austria - Nathan Trent with 'Running on Air' - 16th with 93 points

Official Video

The first, and possibly the biggest injustice of the night comes courtesy of the cute Nathan Trent. I'm a big fan of Nathan's, his enduring personality shone through at the London Eurovision Party when he was forced to perform this 'a capella' after a technical hitch and aced it.

However, after scoring 93 points from the jury votes, Nathan went on to score a big fat 'nul points' from the televote which is nothing short of scandalous. What were Europe listening to?! I didn't even think it was possible to score zero with the new voting system, although I am politely reminded of the Czech Republic in 2016...

Very disappointing, but Nathan looked as if he was having the time of his life and his cheeky chappy persona will be a big memory for me from Kiev.

5) Armenia - Artsvik with 'Fly With Me' - 18th with 79 points

Official Video

Graham Norton jinxed this one, as he reminded us that the Armenians usually finish in the top 10, thanks in large to a big diaspora and being geographically well-endowed. Another forgettable entry for me, so much so that I can't really comment much about it. I can't be bothered to re-watch it quite frankly, so we'll leave it there.

Has my bad Eurovision mood come across yet?

6) Netherlands - OG3NE with 'Lights and Shadows' - 11th with 150 points

Official Video

This song was a bit marmite across Europe, and that's reflected in their final placing, just sneaking on to the left hand side. The song, sang by 3 sisters and co-wrote by Dad for Mum, is a family affair about dealing with a life-changing illness. All a bit depressing for Eurovision, but it was well received.

I liked the intro, but not a lot else as the song faded into a forgettable ballad. A lot of my friends had this in their top 5s but not for me unfortunately. 11th was just about a fair enough placing.

7) Moldova - Sunstroke Project with 'Hey Mamma' - 3rd with 374 points

Official Video

After a slow start, this is exactly what the contest needed. Sunstroke Project are no strangers to the Eurovision stage after their performance in 2010 took the internet by storm, but they fared much better this time around with a catchy, sax guy filled dance song.

I've always been a fan of this and I'm really pleased it finished as high as it did. Maybe they benefited from the post-Eurovision internet success of 2010 but deservedly so as Moldova were one of the nations tonight to record a record high placing!

8) Hungary - Joci Papai with 'Origo' - 8th with 200 points

Official Video

Another country that benefits from a lot of Eastern European nations, this song from Joci Papai was average at best, although I did note that it finished quite strongly. To finish 8th is too high in my opinion however, and Joci spent most of his time on stage looking like he was trying to get tomato ketchup out of a stubborn metal bottle.

I won't be remembering this one in a few months however.

9) Italy - Francesco Gabbani with 'Occidentali's Karma' - 6th with 334 points

Official Video

The overwhelming pre-contest favourite for many, many months with millions of YouTube hits and a dancing gorilla, this looked nailed on to win. As we coasted into Eurovision week however, the buzz for the song just faded away. It peaked too soon.

The performance itself wasn't as good as I was expecting. It was a bit flat. A bit lifeless. Maybe we were all expecting it to be amazing and ended up being underwhelmed, but 6th is a fair placing in the end. Disappointing, maybe, but a lesson to be learnt. Peaking at the right time is of the upmost importance in the land of Eurovision.

10) Denmark - Anja with 'Where I Am' - 20th with 77 points

Official Video

Following a dancing gorilla and multi-coloured dancing hands and a pre-show favourite is never an easy ask, and sure enough this merely faded into obscurity. The running order is, of course, selected by the producers these days, and Anja was always going to be overshadowed by one of the better songs.

Again, I remember little about the song, the performance, the staging or the dress. Let's move on.

11) Portugal - Salvador Sobral with 'Amar Pelos Dois' - 1ST WITH 758 POINTS

Official Video

Here is our winner. The first time Portugal has ever won the Eurovision Song Contest, at the 53rd time of asking and Salvador looked as if he couldn't care less. One of my friends nicknames him 'Salvasnooze' which encapsulates this song in it's entirety.

I really, really wanted to like this. Obviously, a lot of people did as Salvador picked up a record points haul (although the revamped voting system helps!) I don't know what to say about the song to be honest... I just didn't get it. One of Eurovision's mysteries; a mystery that Europe solved while I was left staring wistfully at my empty whisky glass wondering what I was missing.

A word too against Salvador's winning speech. There was a touch of arrogance about it, implying that Eurovision doesn't put in any serious contenders which is utter tosh. Sure, Eurovision has it's fair share of stereotypical, camp crap but in recent years, there have been many meaningful songs. Norma John, representing Finland this year, meant more to me than any other song in Eurovision history.

Grrrrr....

12) Azerbaijan - Dihaj with 'Skeletons' - 14th with 120 points

Official Video

As has been proved in recent times, following a winner is a tough task and Dihaj and her skeletons continued the trend as her blackboard got sucked into obscurity. I don't mind the song; it's an okay offering of music and the staging was a tad weird. Once again, Azerbaijan are helped out by local voting but 14th is probably a fair finish.

13) Croatia - Jacques Houdek with 'My Friend' - 13th with 128 points

Official Video

Goodness, gracious me. What to say about this song... In an ambitious attempt to duet with himself, Homophobe Houdek came across as some flashy, arrogant beast of a man who switched between Pavarotti and Mika on a whim. It was uncomfortable to watch, not least because of the cringe-worthy introduction.

I'll choose to live through this song as if it wasn't a miracle, if it's all the same to you Jacques.

14) Australia - Isaiah with 'Don't Come Easy' - 9th with 173 points

Official Video

I thought this was a tad lucky to get through the semi-finals, as Isaiah looked a bit lost on the Eurovision stage. He clearly has a great voice, but that high note in the semi-final really distracted and disturbed me.

He obviously ditched that high note in the final, but there just wasn't much substance there. The slowly-fading Australian novelty bumped up his votes a tad, but 9th was a bit generous if we're looking at musical contribution alone.

15) Greece - Demy with 'This Is Love' - 19th with 77 points

Official Video

SHIRTLESS MALE DANCER KLAXON!

This is the only thing I remember about the performance in all honesty. I'd like to think it was the distinctly average song, but it might well be the copious amount of whisky I'd had by this stage. I don't go down the 'First drink at Song 8' rule that Norton does see...

Largely forgettable. Fair placing.

16) Spain - Manel Navarro with 'Do It For Your Lover' - 26th with 5 points

Official Video

Hmmm... I think everyone knew this was going to finish last, not least Manel himself who promised to do a naked shoot in Attitude Magazine if he won. I think he knew his knackers had no chance of being exposed!

The song itself was flimsy, the staging amateur and the audience seemed to switch off as Manel performed to himself and his surfer friends. We'll move on quickly...

17) Norway - JOWST with 'Grab The Moment' - 10th with 158 points

Official Video

A solid entry from the ever reliable Norwegians. I thought the gimp mask man playing an odd combination of a piano and DJ deck was a tad unnecessary, but as it's Eurovision, I'll forgive them. It's a good, catchy song and deserved a top 10 finish. Just.

18) United Kingdom - Lucie Jones with 'Never Give Up On You' - 15th with 111 points

Official Video

Scandalous. The build up to the final included a lot of positive noise surrounding Lucie and her brilliant voice and she performed it absolutely impeccably. Apparently, she'd nailed the jury final and I was optimistic of a high placing. I even thought we may win. Genuinely.

More realistically, we should have come top 10, maybe top 5 but to come 15th is an injustice and proves an argument that I didn't want to believe. Europe does not like us. We came 20th in the public vote and it was by no means the 20th best song on offer. I think it's going to be a long, long time until we see another British victor...

19) Cyprus - Hovig with 'Gravity' - 21st with 68 points

Official Video

A solid entry from Cyprus, but I don't think the awkward dancing involving shadows of a potential wardrobe malfunction helped one little bit. At the time of watching, I thought Hovig had got lost in the shadows of the entry before - making me feel more excited about Lucie's chances - but it turns out Europe just didn't think that much of it. 21st was harsh.

20) Romania - Ilinca ft. Alex Florea with 'Yodel It!' - 7th with 282 points

Official Video

When I first heard this, I couldn't listen to the whole song as I thought it was excruciating. It was an opinion I held right up until the semi-finals and as I heard it live, it clicked. This pair are immensely talented and gave a superb performance in both the semis and the grand final. 7th was completely justified, and wins my award for 'Song that I Hated Turned Into Song That I Love'.

Yeah, I just made that up....

21) Germany - Levina with 'Perfect Life' - 25th with 6 points

Official Video

I don't know what it is about Germany ripping off popular songs, but surely they know by now that it doesn't endear to the Eurovision audience? Remember Cascada anyone? In an incredible likeness to David Guetta, the song didn't do much and merely annoyed me as I constantly made links to the popular, commercialised DJ. Deserved to come 2nd last.

22) Ukraine - O Torvald with 'Time' - 24th with 36 points

Official Video

Our hosts offered us the customary rock entry for this year, and judging by this performance, they weren't too keen on hosting two years in a row. Limp. A bit lame. Certainly no Lordi. Fell a bit flat amongst a tiring Eurovision crowd looking forward to a couple of favourites to come.

23) Belgium - Blanche with 'City Lights' - 4th with 363 points

Official Video

Perennial dark horses Belgium may be, but I think 4th place is a touch generous here. The studio version of this song is superb, as is the music video, but Blanche has the stage presence of a startled pigeon in the headlights. Her semi-final performance was full of nerves, and despite the grand final showing was a tad better, it bored me. Her voice is quite gravelly and I felt a bit uncomfortable watching it.

If it was merely a contest of songs, without live performance, 4th is fair. But her live performance left wanting for me, and 4th ended up being pretty generous.

24) Sweden - Robin Bengtsson with 'I Can't Go On' - 5th with 344 points

Official Video

Always there or thereabouts, Sweden will always do well in Eurovision. After searching for 8 weeks for a song, they will always produce a class act, however in my opinion this is Sweden's worst entry in a long time. Robin's semi-final performance was nothing short of dire and although he stepped up big time in the Final, it didn't make my top 10.

But then, when Sweden put in this much effort, they will always be popular. Take note BBC...

25) Bulgaria - Kristian Kostov with 'Beautiful Mess' - 2nd with 615 points

Official Video

For the youngest man in the competition at barely 17, Kristian Kostov has remarkable confidence on stage and, just like the Belgians, Bulgaria are really stepping up as a Eurovision powerhouse in recent years. This was my winner for the night, as Kristian delivered his ballad with gusto and beauty. The addition of clever graphics added to the charm and this really should have won.

However, it was not to be. Kristian looked unbelievably nervous as the results reached a climax and I guarantee he'd have been far more excited than our eventual winner...

26) France - Alma with 'Requiem' - 12th with 135 points

Official Video

As with the opening slot, the final song of the night is never an easy gig. The tipsy Eurovision crowd are totting up their scorecards and thinking about a winner, and the last song almost glides by without anyone noticing. The backdrop to the song was stunning, if a bit predictable and Alma sang it beautifully. But being last up is tough. It did well to get on the left hand side of the scoreboard.

...

So, there we have it. Portugal are our winners, for the first time in their history and we will be heading off to Lisbon in 2018 for the 63rd edition of the Eurovision Song Contest. I would also like to give an honourable mention to Norma John, as mentioned earlier, representing Finland with their song 'Blackbird'. It didn't get through the first semi-final, but the song pulled at my heartstrings and makes me cry every time I listen to it. It's a magical song, and I was very upset it didn't get through.

Same time next year? Of course!

Eurovision 2017 - It's Kyiv Calling!

Yeeeees, I know, I know. The Eurovision Song Contest is not everyone's cup of tea. In fact, if you're my Dad, you'll be the sort of person who would watch re-runs of DIY SOS to avoid BBC One on Eurovision Saturday. But, if you knew me, you'll know that I am absolutely obsessed; and seeing as next week is Eurovision week, it's time to preview the vast number of songs that will bless our TV screens in the very near future.

As is usual with these kinds of posts, we'll start with the serious contenders. The top of the charts. The crème de la crème of the 62nd Eurovision Song Contest, coming to us live from the city of Kyiv in Ukraine, thanks to last year's controversial winner, Jamala. The immediate favourite, and a song that has been favourite for quite some time now, comes from Italy and Francesco Gabbani. 'Occidentali's Karma', sang primarily in his native tongue with dashes of English thrown in, features a dancing gorilla and memorable dance moves. Personally, I think I've become a victim of over-listening to this and I'm now a tad bored of it, but the majority of viewers tuning in on Saturday 13th May will not have heard it before and be instantly hooked!

Francesco and his dancing gorilla have captured the hearts
of the die hard Eurovision fan, but will it capture Europe's?

Another major contender is one of the ultimate Eurovision dark horses, Bulgaria. 17 year old Kristian Kostov presents us with a ballad that builds up nicely and belts out a few big notes at the end, a la classic ballad. I personally don't think that much of it, but he has performed admirably in preview shows around the continent and just like the Italians, Kristian is right up there with a lot of bookies.

Another perennial dark horse of recent years, Belgium, have one of the best songs in this year's competition. Blanche with 'City Lights' is superb and the music video matches it, but it will need a lot of work to come across as amazing live in Kyiv. In London, she merely stood and delivered, which was a tad boring. It's going to need some special effects of some sort to make her stand out from the crowd, but once again, the Belgians are not to be underestimated.

Moving away from the song list slightly, we shall move on to darker matters. A lot of people claim Eurovision is "too political", a view I have largely disagreed with, but that argument gains traction this year with the Russians pulling out due to their tensions with our host country. It's a huge shame, as Russia are a major part of any Eurovision. What's more, who are the fans going to boo?!

In all seriousness though, I'm a tad relieved. It's been an awkward watch in recent years when the Russian act, whoever they may be, are booed relentlessly for something completely out of their control. The poor Tolmachevy Sisters didn't know what hit them in 2014. There was a point where we were faced with watching the Russian act via video link, but that would have made a farce of the whole thing. 'Celebrate Diversity', the slogan for this year, would take on a redundant meeting. In many ways, it still has...

But back to the main event, and the 42 countries who will present us with their finest musicians. As has been custom in recent years, there are a lot of very forgettable ballads, sung by beautiful women in long flowing dresses. I won't bother touching upon them as we'll be here until Eurovision 2018, but there is one that has caught my ear...

'Blackbird' by Norma John, representing Finland this year, is a beautiful if sad rendition about losing a loved one. It hit close to home when I first heard it, and I think the simplicity of it will really endear to the Eurovision crowd.

Watch out for the very talented
pianist who has a terrific solo
halfway through Finland's entry...

While this is a beautiful song, I do fear for it's semi-final slot. Preceding this from Finland, is a song called 'Space' by Slavko Kalezic from Montenegro. Now, to call this song 'enthusiastic' would be doing it a great disservice. Slavko, with his really, really... REALLY long ponytail and tendency to get his kit off, (he most certainly did at the London Eurovision Party!), poor Norma may be blown away by the audaciousness of the act before her. Otherwise, I do hope it does well and gets to the grand final on the 13th May.



We can't write a post such as this without mentioning the Swedes now can we? After many weeks of the gruelling X-Factor-esque competition called 'Melodifestivalen', Robin Bengtsson emerged victorious with his song 'I Can't Go On'. As attractive as this man is, and as imposing as he and his backing dancers are, I don't like it. Just like last year's act (the moody teenager that was Frans), there's a certain arrogance and a dislikeable persona that I just can't put my finger on. Robin is the very first song on the running order in semi-final 1, but it's sure to get through to the final. A Eurovision final without Sweden is like Sebastian Tellier without a beard. Ryan Dolan without topless drummers. Donatan & Cleo without plungers...

And last and alphabetically least, the United Kingdom. This year, we are represented by Lucie Jones, a name some of you may recognise from the X Factor a few years ago. Apparently Ed Sheeran was offered the gig but he was a bit busy dying his hair...

Lucie's song is good though, and got through the UK final with flying colours against some other decent songs. As one of the privileged few who sifted through the public submissions, I can tell you there wasn't much else, but 'Never Give Up on You' is a decent effort. It will need something memorable to give us any chance of being on the left hand side of the scoreboard, but I'm sure Lucie will do us proud all the same!

Lucie Jones will hope that Europe is kind to her...

And yes, we are still allowed to compete... We are still in Europe...

So, 36 songs will compete in the first two semi-finals, to be held on 9th & 11th May and broadcast LIVE on BBC Four in the UK. Six countries, (including the UK) automatically go through to the final by virtue of the 'Big 5' who contribute most financially plus last year's winners, Ukraine!

The Grand Final, hosted in the UK by the one and only Graham Norton, is on Saturday 13th May on BBC One at 8pm! Whether you are at home, at a party or in the midst of the Eurovision bubble in Kyiv, have a wonderful time!