This is merely a post to get rid of some thoughts, built up in the midst of what has been a long week. The time is 02:33, a time I was used to years ago as I whiled away in the eeriness of a night shift. Being ill with the flu this week has knocked me out of a normal sleeping pattern, so here we are. Wide awake in the hour of the witches.
Being physically ill makes me mentally ill. Maybe not mentally ILL but certainly feeling much more down than I have been of late. From the outside, my 2016 could not have started any better. A promotion turning into a possible double promotion, getting involved in charity work, cricket club successes and new friendships. However, I also have a new, very private responsibility to protect those closest to me. After what happened last October, (of which I haven't documented as it's events are too harrowing), I still have fears of a repeat in the forefront of my mind. I have a responsibility now to not fall into old traps and manage my own illness responsibly, because those closest to me simply cannot take another collapse. Every now and then, those dark thoughts emerge, wanting to take over and drown out my life, but the words of Stephen Fry keep me afloat:
"Your mood is your own personal weather. Sometimes it rains, but the rain always passes to be replaced by sunshine."
I never used to have much affiliation with words and sentiments like these, but I can safely say that without them, I'd either be dead or in a psychiatric unit. As a patient I mean, because I now work in one myself. Surely one of the very few people in the world to have been an inpatient and a member of staff on the same acute psychiatric unit.
My thoughts are elsewhere really.
Friday 29 January 2016
Monday 11 January 2016
Inspiration
Inspiration. It can come in any way shape or form and sometimes unexpectedly. This evening provided bucket loads of it as I was invited to the official launch of the World Youth Organisation. It's a charity I've become involved in within the last six months as it's DSO (Designated Safeguarding Officer) and the story of it's growth is quite astounding. All culminating in this evening, at the Houses of Parliament in Westminster, an evening where all of the people involved in WYO gathered to celebrate the get go.
I turned up relatively early to help set up, although I did feel slightly like I was getting in the way and greeted CEO Kieran, (who has been the main protagonist behind this charity) and screwed in a few bolts into lights. As the guests began to arrive in dribs and drabs, I recognised a few faces and began to mingle. It's an acquired skill is mingling... Usually helped with the consumption of alcohol (in moderation please!) making conversation isn't a skill I possess. When I was a teenager, I had confidence to burn. Not these days.
Anyway. I attempted to mingle, before I was stationed outside to stop the crowd surge as the final preparations were completed. Full-time Safeguarding Officer and part-time security guard. When the proceedings began, we were greeted with a plethora of inspiring, determined, driven young people who had made all of this possible. It really is an honour to be the smallest part of a charity that has true potential internationally.
However, while I am pleased to be involved, upon walking in through the front door of my one bedroom flat, I was drowned in an unexplainable sorrow. While my friend's summary of a gut full of adrenaline with nowhere to go with it might sound plausible, I know exactly what it is.
It's jealousy.
And while it's normal to feel some jealousy on occasions, this jealousy is wrong. I'm jealous of people's success, knowing full well that they've worked through blood, sweat and tears to earn that success. It's success I dream of too, but I lack the drive and determination needed. Clearly, I hope for it to be handed to me on a silver platter, but deep down, I know I need to change my ways. My Mother would say it was okay to lack ambition, as long as you're happy. And I'm the happiest I've been in ages. But somewhere along the line, I will need to grow. I will need to progress.
I'm used to leading, to be at the forefront of collective success, but I feel like in everything I do now, I am a mere foot soldier. I feel like a disposable pawn in this hugely competitive game of chess. It's fine to be like this, but ultimately, I need more.
Tonight, as I listened to the young people of the charity displaying their pure love and determination for a brilliant cause, I merely lamented my missed chances. I spent time despising what I've been through in the last seven years and despite still being a young person myself, the world moves at an alarming pace. Even my novel, of which is my one hope of the success I crave at the moment, lacks forward thinking and originality, despite being completely the opposite when I began it almost two years ago.
Tonight, I am happy for my new found friends and colleagues for their success. However, I feel like I'm being left behind. I don't like it. And I'm not sure I have the strength of mind to catch up.
I turned up relatively early to help set up, although I did feel slightly like I was getting in the way and greeted CEO Kieran, (who has been the main protagonist behind this charity) and screwed in a few bolts into lights. As the guests began to arrive in dribs and drabs, I recognised a few faces and began to mingle. It's an acquired skill is mingling... Usually helped with the consumption of alcohol (in moderation please!) making conversation isn't a skill I possess. When I was a teenager, I had confidence to burn. Not these days.
Anyway. I attempted to mingle, before I was stationed outside to stop the crowd surge as the final preparations were completed. Full-time Safeguarding Officer and part-time security guard. When the proceedings began, we were greeted with a plethora of inspiring, determined, driven young people who had made all of this possible. It really is an honour to be the smallest part of a charity that has true potential internationally.
However, while I am pleased to be involved, upon walking in through the front door of my one bedroom flat, I was drowned in an unexplainable sorrow. While my friend's summary of a gut full of adrenaline with nowhere to go with it might sound plausible, I know exactly what it is.
It's jealousy.
And while it's normal to feel some jealousy on occasions, this jealousy is wrong. I'm jealous of people's success, knowing full well that they've worked through blood, sweat and tears to earn that success. It's success I dream of too, but I lack the drive and determination needed. Clearly, I hope for it to be handed to me on a silver platter, but deep down, I know I need to change my ways. My Mother would say it was okay to lack ambition, as long as you're happy. And I'm the happiest I've been in ages. But somewhere along the line, I will need to grow. I will need to progress.
I'm used to leading, to be at the forefront of collective success, but I feel like in everything I do now, I am a mere foot soldier. I feel like a disposable pawn in this hugely competitive game of chess. It's fine to be like this, but ultimately, I need more.
Tonight, as I listened to the young people of the charity displaying their pure love and determination for a brilliant cause, I merely lamented my missed chances. I spent time despising what I've been through in the last seven years and despite still being a young person myself, the world moves at an alarming pace. Even my novel, of which is my one hope of the success I crave at the moment, lacks forward thinking and originality, despite being completely the opposite when I began it almost two years ago.
Tonight, I am happy for my new found friends and colleagues for their success. However, I feel like I'm being left behind. I don't like it. And I'm not sure I have the strength of mind to catch up.
Sunday 3 January 2016
Depression
Depression is a horrible, horrible illness but it can be beaten.
I liken it to a war. An unexpected invasion from nowhere with attacks leaving you wondering what the hell is happening. Random invasions of privacy inside your mind, as if you were being bombed with dark thoughts.
But after a while, you get your Army in place and defend your fort. Over time, whether that be days, weeks, months or years, your Army will defend your fort, otherwise known as your mind, as best it can.
It can take time to get the right number of soldiers to defeat the attacks. Sometimes they get through and cause damage. Sometimes they are fought off. As time goes by, your soldiers grow in number and skill and can deal with the same attacks more effectively.
I liken it to a war. An unexpected invasion from nowhere with attacks leaving you wondering what the hell is happening. Random invasions of privacy inside your mind, as if you were being bombed with dark thoughts.
But after a while, you get your Army in place and defend your fort. Over time, whether that be days, weeks, months or years, your Army will defend your fort, otherwise known as your mind, as best it can.
It can take time to get the right number of soldiers to defeat the attacks. Sometimes they get through and cause damage. Sometimes they are fought off. As time goes by, your soldiers grow in number and skill and can deal with the same attacks more effectively.
Depression then, and it attacks, never really goes away, but the way you fight it can be honed to such a degree that the attacks eventually cause no damage. Your soldiers protect your fort.
That to me, is what depression is. A sometimes bloody war that can be won by skill and perseverance. Everyone suffering from depression has the ability to be the next Churchill.
That to me, is what depression is. A sometimes bloody war that can be won by skill and perseverance. Everyone suffering from depression has the ability to be the next Churchill.
Friday 1 January 2016
What 2016 Holds
So, the end of another year. It brought moments of fun and moments of madness, and one particular moment of genuine horror, but we made it guys. We made it. A lot of people note how fast it has gone for them, and my year is no different. I was only just getting used to writing '2015' instead of '2014'. In 2015, I've been backstage at one of Eurovision's biggest events; featured in Attitude Magazine and played cricket dressed as Shrek.
But enough of looking back. Let's look forward. New Year used to send me into all sorts of different emotions, whether that be regret or trepidation. One year, I even attempted suicide on New Years Eve. I used to berate myself for not doing well enough in the past twelve months and dread what lay ahead. Back in the days of my perfectionism. If I hadn't had the perfect year, (which is obviously impossible), it had been a bad year. I'm pleased to say I've moved on and learnt lessons. A lot of people use the mantra of 'New Year New Me' at this time of year, but I'm going to go with, 'New Year Same Me'. Without the pressure I put on myself, I have recognised that smiling is the perfect tonic for any situation and that we can't be perfect all of the time. Without the pressure of insurmountable targets and a modicum of appreciation for all that I have in this world, I have come out of 2015 a better man.
When I was 18, I felt like I HAD to go to university straight from school. It was the done thing, and if I didn't, I'd feel like I was falling behind. When I was a referee, I'd look to get promoted every season, with one hiccup along the way reducing me to tears. But recently, I've learnt there's no such thing as "falling behind". Taking life at one's own pace is critical to a happy result. Sure, I'd love to have finished my novel and be sitting here talking about trying to get it published, but I don't want to rush it. And what I've come to realise is there is no need to rush it. I'd love to be sitting here talking about reaching 200 poems written, but quality beats quantity. I may be a fully functioning member of adult society now; paying income tax and doing ironing, but I'm 24. I'm still so fucking young with so much to look forward to.
In just over a week's time, I start my new job. A promotion and a change in departments, working on the acute mental health wing at Bedford Hospital. Having been an inpatient there myself, I am really looking forward to learning all about a field that is growing in appreciation and recognition. Mental Health is one of my passions and I can't wait to get started.
Just before I start that job, I am attending the launch of the charity I have committed to working for called The World Youth Organisation, which I am very excited about. To be involved in what is potentially a huge charity is extremely exciting, and I am very honoured to be alongside some very intelligent and inspirational young people.
I've also started to just not worry. At the beginning of the year, I feared going out and having a few drinks because I felt like I didn't deserve to. Now I've learnt that it's perfectly okay to let your hair down. Work hard, play hard as they say. I've started not to worry about how people perceive me or worry about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. I've learnt that being worried about money is pointless. I've learnt that hard work is the perfect solution for a sad day and I've learnt to appreciate everything and everyone around me. Sounds soppy? I don't care.
Maybe all of this started to kick in and take hold in October time. The harrowing events of that month are events I will never forget, but everything could, and probably should have been so different. Whatever happens from here on in, I will always remember that.
So, what does 2016 hold? More memories to make and enjoying the company of the people who help make them. 2016 holds more of the same. Progress is to be made, however slow it may seem.
But enough of looking back. Let's look forward. New Year used to send me into all sorts of different emotions, whether that be regret or trepidation. One year, I even attempted suicide on New Years Eve. I used to berate myself for not doing well enough in the past twelve months and dread what lay ahead. Back in the days of my perfectionism. If I hadn't had the perfect year, (which is obviously impossible), it had been a bad year. I'm pleased to say I've moved on and learnt lessons. A lot of people use the mantra of 'New Year New Me' at this time of year, but I'm going to go with, 'New Year Same Me'. Without the pressure I put on myself, I have recognised that smiling is the perfect tonic for any situation and that we can't be perfect all of the time. Without the pressure of insurmountable targets and a modicum of appreciation for all that I have in this world, I have come out of 2015 a better man.
When I was 18, I felt like I HAD to go to university straight from school. It was the done thing, and if I didn't, I'd feel like I was falling behind. When I was a referee, I'd look to get promoted every season, with one hiccup along the way reducing me to tears. But recently, I've learnt there's no such thing as "falling behind". Taking life at one's own pace is critical to a happy result. Sure, I'd love to have finished my novel and be sitting here talking about trying to get it published, but I don't want to rush it. And what I've come to realise is there is no need to rush it. I'd love to be sitting here talking about reaching 200 poems written, but quality beats quantity. I may be a fully functioning member of adult society now; paying income tax and doing ironing, but I'm 24. I'm still so fucking young with so much to look forward to.
In just over a week's time, I start my new job. A promotion and a change in departments, working on the acute mental health wing at Bedford Hospital. Having been an inpatient there myself, I am really looking forward to learning all about a field that is growing in appreciation and recognition. Mental Health is one of my passions and I can't wait to get started.
Just before I start that job, I am attending the launch of the charity I have committed to working for called The World Youth Organisation, which I am very excited about. To be involved in what is potentially a huge charity is extremely exciting, and I am very honoured to be alongside some very intelligent and inspirational young people.
I've also started to just not worry. At the beginning of the year, I feared going out and having a few drinks because I felt like I didn't deserve to. Now I've learnt that it's perfectly okay to let your hair down. Work hard, play hard as they say. I've started not to worry about how people perceive me or worry about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. I've learnt that being worried about money is pointless. I've learnt that hard work is the perfect solution for a sad day and I've learnt to appreciate everything and everyone around me. Sounds soppy? I don't care.
Maybe all of this started to kick in and take hold in October time. The harrowing events of that month are events I will never forget, but everything could, and probably should have been so different. Whatever happens from here on in, I will always remember that.
So, what does 2016 hold? More memories to make and enjoying the company of the people who help make them. 2016 holds more of the same. Progress is to be made, however slow it may seem.
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