As ever, I am here to review the 26 final songs along with their final standings and total points. For the first time in a long time, I went to bed highly disappointed with the result. But what's Eurovision without a few injustices along the way?
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1) Israel - IMRI with 'I Feel Alive' - 23rd with 39 points
Kicking off the show is never an easy task, even for the most seasoned of performers, but the producers felt it right to begin with this number. Slow start, beautiful man showing off his biceps and a few high notes to finish, it was a solid beginning and although 23rd is a harsh final placing, I'm not altogether surprised. I liked the song, but it was never going to be up near the big guns ... Pun intended...
2) Poland - Kasia Mos with 'Flashlight' - 22nd with 64 points
Ahh yes... The dreaded 2nd spot on the running order. In 61 editions of the Eurovision Song Contest, no one has ever won from 2nd place, and it was never going to change in the 62nd. In fact, I don't think it will ever change...
A highly forgettable song if ever there was one, Kasia almost knew she didn't have a chance so went gung-ho with the performance. I actually liked the performance; her voice and dress were beautiful but the song just isn't up there with what's required at Eurovision any more. I went to pour myself another drink...
3) Belarus - Naviband with 'Story of my Life' - 17th with 83 points
This is the first time Belarus have entered a song that is completely in their native language, which is a big plus for the 'Celebrate Diversity' tag line, but could have cost Naviband a few points. Again, being so early in the running order doesn't help and the boat they were stood on broke down... I didn't think much of the song, or the staging, or the performance... Deserved to be hidden away on the right hand side of the scoreboard...
4) Austria - Nathan Trent with 'Running on Air' - 16th with 93 points
The first, and possibly the biggest injustice of the night comes courtesy of the cute Nathan Trent. I'm a big fan of Nathan's, his enduring personality shone through at the London Eurovision Party when he was forced to perform this 'a capella' after a technical hitch and aced it.
However, after scoring 93 points from the jury votes, Nathan went on to score a big fat 'nul points' from the televote which is nothing short of scandalous. What were Europe listening to?! I didn't even think it was possible to score zero with the new voting system, although I am politely reminded of the Czech Republic in 2016...
Very disappointing, but Nathan looked as if he was having the time of his life and his cheeky chappy persona will be a big memory for me from Kiev.
5) Armenia - Artsvik with 'Fly With Me' - 18th with 79 points
Graham Norton jinxed this one, as he reminded us that the Armenians usually finish in the top 10, thanks in large to a big diaspora and being geographically well-endowed. Another forgettable entry for me, so much so that I can't really comment much about it. I can't be bothered to re-watch it quite frankly, so we'll leave it there.
Has my bad Eurovision mood come across yet?
6) Netherlands - OG3NE with 'Lights and Shadows' - 11th with 150 points
This song was a bit marmite across Europe, and that's reflected in their final placing, just sneaking on to the left hand side. The song, sang by 3 sisters and co-wrote by Dad for Mum, is a family affair about dealing with a life-changing illness. All a bit depressing for Eurovision, but it was well received.
I liked the intro, but not a lot else as the song faded into a forgettable ballad. A lot of my friends had this in their top 5s but not for me unfortunately. 11th was just about a fair enough placing.
7) Moldova - Sunstroke Project with 'Hey Mamma' - 3rd with 374 points
After a slow start, this is exactly what the contest needed. Sunstroke Project are no strangers to the Eurovision stage after their performance in 2010 took the internet by storm, but they fared much better this time around with a catchy, sax guy filled dance song.
I've always been a fan of this and I'm really pleased it finished as high as it did. Maybe they benefited from the post-Eurovision internet success of 2010 but deservedly so as Moldova were one of the nations tonight to record a record high placing!
8) Hungary - Joci Papai with 'Origo' - 8th with 200 points
Another country that benefits from a lot of Eastern European nations, this song from Joci Papai was average at best, although I did note that it finished quite strongly. To finish 8th is too high in my opinion however, and Joci spent most of his time on stage looking like he was trying to get tomato ketchup out of a stubborn metal bottle.
I won't be remembering this one in a few months however.
9) Italy - Francesco Gabbani with 'Occidentali's Karma' - 6th with 334 points
The overwhelming pre-contest favourite for many, many months with millions of YouTube hits and a dancing gorilla, this looked nailed on to win. As we coasted into Eurovision week however, the buzz for the song just faded away. It peaked too soon.
The performance itself wasn't as good as I was expecting. It was a bit flat. A bit lifeless. Maybe we were all expecting it to be amazing and ended up being underwhelmed, but 6th is a fair placing in the end. Disappointing, maybe, but a lesson to be learnt. Peaking at the right time is of the upmost importance in the land of Eurovision.
10) Denmark - Anja with 'Where I Am' - 20th with 77 points
Following a dancing gorilla and multi-coloured dancing hands and a pre-show favourite is never an easy ask, and sure enough this merely faded into obscurity. The running order is, of course, selected by the producers these days, and Anja was always going to be overshadowed by one of the better songs.
Again, I remember little about the song, the performance, the staging or the dress. Let's move on.
11) Portugal - Salvador Sobral with 'Amar Pelos Dois' - 1ST WITH 758 POINTS
Here is our winner. The first time Portugal has ever won the Eurovision Song Contest, at the 53rd time of asking and Salvador looked as if he couldn't care less. One of my friends nicknames him 'Salvasnooze' which encapsulates this song in it's entirety.
I really, really wanted to like this. Obviously, a lot of people did as Salvador picked up a record points haul (although the revamped voting system helps!) I don't know what to say about the song to be honest... I just didn't get it. One of Eurovision's mysteries; a mystery that Europe solved while I was left staring wistfully at my empty whisky glass wondering what I was missing.
A word too against Salvador's winning speech. There was a touch of arrogance about it, implying that Eurovision doesn't put in any serious contenders which is utter tosh. Sure, Eurovision has it's fair share of stereotypical, camp crap but in recent years, there have been many meaningful songs. Norma John, representing Finland this year, meant more to me than any other song in Eurovision history.
Grrrrr....
12) Azerbaijan - Dihaj with 'Skeletons' - 14th with 120 points
As has been proved in recent times, following a winner is a tough task and Dihaj and her skeletons continued the trend as her blackboard got sucked into obscurity. I don't mind the song; it's an okay offering of music and the staging was a tad weird. Once again, Azerbaijan are helped out by local voting but 14th is probably a fair finish.
13) Croatia - Jacques Houdek with 'My Friend' - 13th with 128 points
Goodness, gracious me. What to say about this song... In an ambitious attempt to duet with himself, Homophobe Houdek came across as some flashy, arrogant beast of a man who switched between Pavarotti and Mika on a whim. It was uncomfortable to watch, not least because of the cringe-worthy introduction.
I'll choose to live through this song as if it wasn't a miracle, if it's all the same to you Jacques.
14) Australia - Isaiah with 'Don't Come Easy' - 9th with 173 points
I thought this was a tad lucky to get through the semi-finals, as Isaiah looked a bit lost on the Eurovision stage. He clearly has a great voice, but that high note in the semi-final really distracted and disturbed me.
He obviously ditched that high note in the final, but there just wasn't much substance there. The slowly-fading Australian novelty bumped up his votes a tad, but 9th was a bit generous if we're looking at musical contribution alone.
15) Greece - Demy with 'This Is Love' - 19th with 77 points
SHIRTLESS MALE DANCER KLAXON!
This is the only thing I remember about the performance in all honesty. I'd like to think it was the distinctly average song, but it might well be the copious amount of whisky I'd had by this stage. I don't go down the 'First drink at Song 8' rule that Norton does see...
Largely forgettable. Fair placing.
16) Spain - Manel Navarro with 'Do It For Your Lover' - 26th with 5 points
Hmmm... I think everyone knew this was going to finish last, not least Manel himself who promised to do a naked shoot in Attitude Magazine if he won. I think he knew his knackers had no chance of being exposed!
The song itself was flimsy, the staging amateur and the audience seemed to switch off as Manel performed to himself and his surfer friends. We'll move on quickly...
17) Norway - JOWST with 'Grab The Moment' - 10th with 158 points
A solid entry from the ever reliable Norwegians. I thought the gimp mask man playing an odd combination of a piano and DJ deck was a tad unnecessary, but as it's Eurovision, I'll forgive them. It's a good, catchy song and deserved a top 10 finish. Just.
18) United Kingdom - Lucie Jones with 'Never Give Up On You' - 15th with 111 points
Scandalous. The build up to the final included a lot of positive noise surrounding Lucie and her brilliant voice and she performed it absolutely impeccably. Apparently, she'd nailed the jury final and I was optimistic of a high placing. I even thought we may win. Genuinely.
More realistically, we should have come top 10, maybe top 5 but to come 15th is an injustice and proves an argument that I didn't want to believe. Europe does not like us. We came 20th in the public vote and it was by no means the 20th best song on offer. I think it's going to be a long, long time until we see another British victor...
19) Cyprus - Hovig with 'Gravity' - 21st with 68 points
A solid entry from Cyprus, but I don't think the awkward dancing involving shadows of a potential wardrobe malfunction helped one little bit. At the time of watching, I thought Hovig had got lost in the shadows of the entry before - making me feel more excited about Lucie's chances - but it turns out Europe just didn't think that much of it. 21st was harsh.
20) Romania - Ilinca ft. Alex Florea with 'Yodel It!' - 7th with 282 points
When I first heard this, I couldn't listen to the whole song as I thought it was excruciating. It was an opinion I held right up until the semi-finals and as I heard it live, it clicked. This pair are immensely talented and gave a superb performance in both the semis and the grand final. 7th was completely justified, and wins my award for 'Song that I Hated Turned Into Song That I Love'.
Yeah, I just made that up....
21) Germany - Levina with 'Perfect Life' - 25th with 6 points
I don't know what it is about Germany ripping off popular songs, but surely they know by now that it doesn't endear to the Eurovision audience? Remember Cascada anyone? In an incredible likeness to David Guetta, the song didn't do much and merely annoyed me as I constantly made links to the popular, commercialised DJ. Deserved to come 2nd last.
22) Ukraine - O Torvald with 'Time' - 24th with 36 points
Our hosts offered us the customary rock entry for this year, and judging by this performance, they weren't too keen on hosting two years in a row. Limp. A bit lame. Certainly no Lordi. Fell a bit flat amongst a tiring Eurovision crowd looking forward to a couple of favourites to come.
23) Belgium - Blanche with 'City Lights' - 4th with 363 points
Perennial dark horses Belgium may be, but I think 4th place is a touch generous here. The studio version of this song is superb, as is the music video, but Blanche has the stage presence of a startled pigeon in the headlights. Her semi-final performance was full of nerves, and despite the grand final showing was a tad better, it bored me. Her voice is quite gravelly and I felt a bit uncomfortable watching it.
If it was merely a contest of songs, without live performance, 4th is fair. But her live performance left wanting for me, and 4th ended up being pretty generous.
24) Sweden - Robin Bengtsson with 'I Can't Go On' - 5th with 344 points
Always there or thereabouts, Sweden will always do well in Eurovision. After searching for 8 weeks for a song, they will always produce a class act, however in my opinion this is Sweden's worst entry in a long time. Robin's semi-final performance was nothing short of dire and although he stepped up big time in the Final, it didn't make my top 10.
But then, when Sweden put in this much effort, they will always be popular. Take note BBC...
25) Bulgaria - Kristian Kostov with 'Beautiful Mess' - 2nd with 615 points
For the youngest man in the competition at barely 17, Kristian Kostov has remarkable confidence on stage and, just like the Belgians, Bulgaria are really stepping up as a Eurovision powerhouse in recent years. This was my winner for the night, as Kristian delivered his ballad with gusto and beauty. The addition of clever graphics added to the charm and this really should have won.
However, it was not to be. Kristian looked unbelievably nervous as the results reached a climax and I guarantee he'd have been far more excited than our eventual winner...
26) France - Alma with 'Requiem' - 12th with 135 points
As with the opening slot, the final song of the night is never an easy gig. The tipsy Eurovision crowd are totting up their scorecards and thinking about a winner, and the last song almost glides by without anyone noticing. The backdrop to the song was stunning, if a bit predictable and Alma sang it beautifully. But being last up is tough. It did well to get on the left hand side of the scoreboard.
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So, there we have it. Portugal are our winners, for the first time in their history and we will be heading off to Lisbon in 2018 for the 63rd edition of the Eurovision Song Contest. I would also like to give an honourable mention to Norma John, as mentioned earlier, representing Finland with their song 'Blackbird'. It didn't get through the first semi-final, but the song pulled at my heartstrings and makes me cry every time I listen to it. It's a magical song, and I was very upset it didn't get through.
Same time next year? Of course!
