I Have Not Learnt a Thing

As I sit here on my sofa once more, scrolling through Netflix and playing the occasional game of 'Golf Clash', it's struck me harder than ever before.

I'm lonely.

At 27 years old, one is supposed to be in the prime of one's life, experiencing new things, travelling around and seeing the world outside. But I can't bring myself to open the door. I don't know what to do, how to do it and frankly, I have no one to do it with. For someone who is perceived to be popular, friendly and easy-going, not only do I have very few friends, (I'd say I have one genuine friend), I have no skills to go out and make new ones.

I have a lot of "Twitter friends". Online friends, some of whom come to me for advice, a lot of whom I share my thoughts and my life with, and this is fine but still, I haven't moved from my sofa. I'm still scared to open the door.

One of said Twitter friends told me to go out to a local bar. Fine, but then what? Walk up to someone and say hello? Then what? It seemed so easy to make friends as a child, so why is it difficult now? It dawned on me that the friends of years gone past have merely been pub friends, acquaintances who you see when intoxicated; a life where everyone is your friend. But in the cold light of day, I'm still here sitting on my sofa. The only person I've seen all week is my Mum.

Part of me resents this. Part of me wants to stand up and scream and ask the world where it is. I want someone to grab me by the collar and drag me along to something. Anything. I guess it's the curse of the depressive.

"I want company yet I want to be alone." The twisted and nonsensical existence we try and navigate. Maybe it's my existence that is the issue. Maybe I really am too much like hard work? Maybe my old persona has been replaced by a hard-hitting, difficult and negative persona that people don't want to be around anymore and I just haven't realised? For it is true, I have grown to be more outspoken, opinionated and combative; being more vocal about things. I constantly feeling like I'm fighting against something. Maybe that puts people off?

Unless we're all sitting on our sofas waiting for everyone else...

I'd like to think I'm not naive. People move on and build their own lives; built with romantic partners instead of "mates". People go out on dates and spend evenings in each other's arms without the necessity for third wheels. Obviously not everyone is in that boat, but in my extensive attempts to be sociable this evening, I have been batted back.

"I'm with my girlfriend tonight."
"I'm out with work."
"I can't do tonight."

All genuine reasons no doubt, but when did I miss the experience roadshow? Did the seminar of adult life pass me by in a blitz of alcohol fuelled psychosis and I've come out the other side expecting it to be like I'm 19 again? Maybe deep down I don't want to grow up. I don't want responsibility. Maybe adult life isn't for me.

Remind me, how do I make friends?

I have three options here. I can blame myself. I can blame the mental illness I once had, (and arguably still do), or I can blame everyone else.

I blame myself.

I blame myself for taking the easy way out. For quitting university, for quitting Australia, for giving up too easily when opportunities to build a new life came my way; routes that could have led me down a completely different path. Decisions that have left me with some sort of agoraphobia which make everything worse. I blame myself for not taking plunges into new worlds, for making up reasons why I couldn't go on dates and for not going to places.

I've been taking the easy road for too long and now I NEED to change something in my life, I don't have the tools to do it.

Move to a new city, try my hand at something completely new, tackle that university degree I flaked upon, take up a new sport. All agreeable tactics; for we're always told that if something is wrong, go out and change it. I am now scared of my own reaction to a change. I am stuck in the mud, as if leaving my bubble of isolation will expose me to a new disease, or an old one that comes back.

I blame myself for my loneliness.

Now I'm too far gone. I don't see a path back. I can't see a Tom that's happy and in a relationship, a Tom who goes to Winter Wonderland with friends, or a Tom who goes down the pub for a couple of pints. All I see is a Tom sat on the sofa; a Tom with a social media addiction and a remote control. I've lost the ability to be sociable. Isolationism is the only existence I see, for I'm scared of anything else, and it's an existence that will make this worse.

That door to the outside world feels a long, long way away, and I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.

I Got Fired

I think it's safe to say that I have a fairly chequered work history. Having never been blessed with the knowledge of what I wanted to do for a career, I have jumped from job to job in order to find myself at peace with the working world. Retail, sales, the NHS and then back to sales, the workplace really has been a whirlwind of motivation, tears and dread.

Last November, in the middle of what was another familiar employment gap, I spent a day campaigning with my local MP. We were visiting businesses in Bedford and towards the end of our day, we stepped foot inside a lettings agency. I had had a very brief experience working in a lettings agency for work experience and overall, it wasn't overly nice. The stereotypes that exist weren't far off the mark and being an equality hunting lefty means my affiliation with businesses such as these were low.

What transpired was an offer of an interview and then after some soul searching, the acceptance of a job offer. Despite not being overly comfortable working for the private rented sector, (reasons for why I shall come on to), my personal circumstances dictated I really needed a job. However, despite becoming a letting agent, I told myself at that very point, I would do it my way. I would not become the "sell at any cost" agent, I would not turn into the stereotype and I genuinely believed I could succeed by coming across as a human being instead of a salesman.

Tell me... Who LIKES being sold to?

It worked. For 10 months, I absolutely aced it. I smashed the targets that were set for me, I received feedback from tenants about how refreshing it was to deal with an agent who genuinely cared about them and not their bank accounts. I was shortlisted for awards, I was touted as a Young Entrepreneur in the property industry, I became the first person in our branch in 15 years to meet the extended quarterly target and even got a promotion. It felt like I had found my path; for there was a real niche market out there for Estate & Letting Agents that CARED. I genuinely believed we could build the business we worked for based on a culture of trust, empathy and putting tenants first.

Maybe I got too big for my boots. Maybe my ideas were too radical for a Director who had been in the business for 16 years. Maybe I came across as arrogant. I could see the huge benefits of being an 'Agent for the Tenant' and not the vicious agent for the greedy landlord; a culture that has built up over decades. The industry suffers (or improves?) from a deluge of competition and I was never made to forget the absolute necessity of standing out from the crowd. I had my ideas to do just that and I had a year's worth of results to back them up.

Maybe it was above my pay grade to be going against the grain. Against the "agent norm" that has resulted in the perception that all agents are money-grabbing bastards and resulted in agencies being banned from charging tenant fees and being more regulated than ever before. Maybe the later assessments that I was a "maverick" were true, but I genuinely believed it would benefit everyone, including the business, for it to be this way. My snowballing success was proof that I would show them how to stand out and do it positively.

I didn't like being a manager. It's a very small office and being the manager was a lot of responsibility and also involved being at the mercy of the staff you instructed. In truth, I hated it. I wanted to be out there, making sure my ethos was being practiced. I ended up taking a step back to my old job of actually letting properties and this is the point it went drastically downhill.

A new manager was hired, a man who has extensive skills in sales and managing high performing retail stores. He was the "sell at any cost" man I was trying to avoid becoming. He used phrases like "dog eat dog" and "ruthless". He even told me to stop caring about people so much and think of the money I'd make. From very early on, I outlined what my 'style' was (so to speak) and how successful I had been doing it, but it was clear he was hard-wired to think a certain way. It was also clear that we wouldn't get on.

From the get go, I was being questioned by my new manager on what I did. How I went about viewings, how I dealt with enquiries and the application process. I was very up front in my methods, (methods I knew worked) in that I was very relaxed when talking to potential customers. I called it charismatic. He called it unprofessional. Within a matter of weeks, I was regularly dragged into the Headmaster's Office to be reprimanded on my "maverick style". Usually, I would fall apart, but on these occasions, I knew I had the ammunition to defend myself with. I knew I was doing well, but I got the impression that the way I was doing it riled not just him, but the office as a whole. Somehow, my successful methods didn't sit right.

This positive persona wasn't supposed to be the way of doing things. It wasn't "ruthless" enough. My overriding thought is, "When will these guys learn that conforming to a stereotype doesn't make you stand out?"

I'm not going to comment on what I think of my (now ex) manager for he has been taught a way that has done him well. I will never apologise for doing things my way, a way that proved to be successful and I am proud that I stuck to my principles. I'm fairly sure he will say the same. We're all different and I don't hold a grudge against him or anyone else. But it just wasn't going to work.

You see, very quickly, I noticed a change. An extreme change that tipped me from putting up with what I had ALWAYS found to be extortionate fees for tenants to unacceptable treatment of people in order to cash in. The belief that tenants always got the raw end of any deal turned into a belief that my colleagues simply didn't care if someone ended up being out on the street. Ultimately, I couldn't live with that and me being the outspoken so-and-so that I am made everyone else aware of that fact also.

Whatever my reservations of the industry, I found out very quickly that I simply couldn't sleep at night thinking about the way the company had treated some people. A company, and by extension, an industry I was contractually obliged to defend. When an industry starts complaining about the circumstances of problems they caused in the first place, you very quickly work out that nothing else matters but the money. Being a part of the industry, and thus all of the networking groups, you very quickly see that these people know what they're doing. Charge as much money as possible for doing the least amount of work. Nothing else matters but the bottom line.

Nothing. Else.

Maybe I was naive in thinking I could change a culture built up over decades, a culture hell bent on pushing the boundaries and milking people for all of their worth. After all, it takes quite the collective effort to make a Conservative Government take drastic steps to stop you from making money in business...

There's a certain stigma that's attached with being sacked. People presume that you turned up to work high, punched a colleague or smashed a car window on purpose. In this instance, it was merely a case of personalities clashing and a difference in (strong) opinions and as a mere employee, I lost.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but last week, I got sacked. Contrary to popular belief, an employee can be sacked with less than two years service with no reason whatsoever. The statement, "this isn't working" is suffice enough to jump straight to dismissal; a lesson I learned the hard way.

I have always tried to keep my values close to my heart. So much so, that sometimes I get in trouble because of it. I cannot understand how people work against their values to aid personal progression. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong all these years. I can give you a few examples of where my moral compass has resulted in me not just losing out, but losing HUGE opportunities.

If you look back on these extensive pages, you'll see a promising refereeing career halted by a fight against racism. Opportunities to write for national publications, binned because of a dislike of how said publications conduct themselves. A decision to walk away from a potential career in football, either through playing or coaching, simply because of who I am.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I often wonder how people like Boris Johnson - a man who is very happy to forgo his morals to move up the food chain - must think to themselves when they have nothing but their mind to occupy...

Personally, I'm back at square one again and while I'm anxious about what the future holds, at least this time I can hold my head high and walk away with my conscience intact. As long as I can say I defended my strongly held beliefs and morals, I will always be able to look back with pride.

On my death bed, I won't be able to take any money with me. But I can certainly take a whole spirit.

Lisboa 2018 - The Eurovision Song Contest Review!

Another year has passed us by, and with it, the 63rd edition of the Eurovision Song Contest. However, for me, this was a first as Lisbon 2018 was my first ever LIVE Eurovision! A week spent in the Eurovision bubble of Portugal was possibly the greatest experience of my life, and most certainly a huge tick off the bucket list!

And with it, comes my annual review with a twist as I revisit how the songs sounded both on TV and live from the Altice Arena... As with most years, there were plenty of talking points outside the winner's enclosure, but for now... Let the review of the Eurovision Song Contest, begin!

...

1) UKRAINE - Melovin with 'Under the Ladder' - 17th with 130 points

Kicking off the Eurovision Song Contest is never an easy feat, but Melovin, representing Ukraine, certainly made a good go of it. Starting his song encased in a coffin that opened up and ending on the piano as the flames rose around him pretty much sums up Eurovision in one song, and along with the catchy chorus, 17th place was maybe a tad harsh on young Melovin. Coming stone dead last in the jury vote with a lowly 11 points didn't help the cause...

Ooooh, woah oh oh, ohhhh, woah oh oh ooooh... Yeeeeeah...

2) SPAIN - Amaia & Alfred with 'Tu Cancion' - 23rd with 61 points

No one has ever won Eurovision from 2nd place in the running order, and it wasn't going to change this year as the producers placed the most uninspiring song right at the very start.

In what was the first instalment of real life love on stage for Europe to see, Amaia and Alfred have beautiful voices but you could sense the crowd wanting it to end. Only the large contingent of neighbouring Spanish fans made it at all bearable...



3) SLOVENIA - Lea Sirk with 'Hvala, Ne!' - 22nd with 64 points

One of a few songs to grow on me throughout the week, the staging certainly added to this modern dance number from Lea Sirk. Seeing it live in the arena on Thursday night, the trick of deliberately cutting the music halfway through and making it look like a technical fault was a trick that worked. By Saturday night though, the joke had worn thin and being 3rd in the running order left this decent number low down the scoreboard. I did like it though!




4) LITHUANIA - Ieva Zasimauskaite with 'When We're Old' - 12th place with 181 points

The second instalment from the real life love scrapbook comes from Ieva from Lithuania with her nice song about growing old, sang mainly from the floor...

I honestly can't remember an awful lot about it, and how it was being discussed as a potential favourite escapes me, but the moment on the bridge with her real-life husband at the end was a nice touch. 12th place was generous.



5) AUSTRIA - Cesar Sampson with 'Nobody But You' - 3rd place with 342 points

Possibly the shock of the competition came from Austria's Cesar Sampson who's upbeat, contemporary song started atop a large platform in the spotlight. It makes us Brits feel no better that the BBC allegedly turned down both Cesar and this song, and the Austrians made us pay for it!

I personally thought this was a middle of the road, but winning the jury vote certainly kick-started a great evening for Cesar!



6) ESTONIA - Elina Nachayeva with 'La Forza' - 8th with 245 points

There's usually at least one offering from the operatic world and this year's came from Estonia and Elina's admittedly stunning voice. Not as stunning as the dress though - which took an almighty 9 stage hands to carry on and off - and has some pretty incredible effects reflected against it throughout the 3 minutes of long notes that belong to an almighty pair of lungs. 8th was fair.

7) NORWAY - Alexander Rybak with 'That's How You Write a Song' - 15th with 144 points

Even the most part-time of Eurovision fans may well recognise this face from 2009 and the charismatic Mr Rybak was aiming for a second victory with this... Inventive yet lacking song about writing a song that he's already written... No, I don't know either...

The song is useless, but Rybak saved it to a degree with a polished and expected routine. 15th was a fair ranking in the end.

8) PORTUGAL - Claudia Pascoal with 'O Jardim' - 26th with 39 points

Our hosts go from hero to zero with this rather dull and forgettable offering from Claudia Pascoal. I can't offer many thoughts on it as I had saved this song for a quick 'switch off' moment, but by all accounts last place was fair, and maybe even a bit generous...

Exactly...


9) UNITED KINGDOM - SuRie with 'Storm' - 24th with 48 points

Now, where do we begin?

SuRie, through no fault of her own, managed to grab the headlines for all the wrong reasons as her song was sabotaged by a stage invader who grabbed her microphone for a politically-motivated rant.

For a good 20 seconds, the song was a mere backing track as the impostor was dragged off stage and the EBU cameras drifted around the audience, as a startled SuRie attempted to keep it going by clapping along with the fans, some of whom were completely unaware of the situation. A visibly shaken SuRie picked up another microphone and valiantly completed her song, but her final notes were shaky - and not surprisingly.

I feel so sad for SuRie. She turned down the chance to perform again, but the moment she had built up to for months was ruined by what the Australian commentators called "an absolute cockhead". I doubt the interruption made much of a difference to the final standing, but the whole experience was unsavoury and difficult to watch. I for one hope SuRie gets a second bite in (Insert City Here) 2019.


10) SERBIA - Sanja Ilic & Balkanika with 'Nova Deca' - 19th with 113 points

A rather odd offering from the Serbians eventually followed an unscheduled interview with the Ukranian act as the hosts decided what to do about the dramatic incident with SuRie - but it wasn't worth the wait unfortunately.

A ghostly start never really developed into much, and 19th was probably pretty generous. Next!



11) GERMANY - Michael Schulte with 'You Let Me Walk Alone' - 4th with 340 points

There were many songs that grew on me as the week went on, but none more than this from Michael Schulte, who deservedly finished 4th with this song about his Father.

The staging and graphics help hugely, reflected, not off an LED screen but a huge inflatable balloon - not that you would have known watching on TV. A beautiful song that brought a tear to my eye, I was pleased to see this do so well.


12) ALBANIA - Eugent Bushpepa with 'Mall' - 11th with 184 points

Another uninspiring entry from the other side of the continent, who benefited from a lack of Greek and Macedonian presence in the final, this song from Albania is another one that has been added to my 'I Don't Remember It Very Well' list.

The only thing I do know is that my friend Chris won some money when it qualified!



13) FRANCE - Madame Monsieur with 'Mercy' - 13th with 173 points

The halfway stage presented us with this classy offering from the French; yet another instalment of real-life love on stage and a song that was tipped as a potential dark horse. I did like it, and the pair managed to hypnotise the audience into mimicking their simple air-grabbing move at the end which proved popular both in the Eurovision Village and the Altice Arena.

I would have liked to see it finish in the top 10, but it wasn't to be.


14) CZECH REPUBLIC - Mikolas Josef with 'Lie To Me' - 6th with 281 points

The Czech Republic don't have a great record in Eurovision but this modern take on sex from an admittedly sexy guy was enough to catapult the nation to the lofty heights of 6th.

Mikolas - apparently a MASSIVE diva - managed to suffer a slipped disc a mere couple of weeks before the show, so the fact he managed to front flip off the stage means he earned every single one of his 281 points. It was a song I loved to begin with, but it started to grate the more I heard it, and his good looks did little to endear me to a song I gradually started to find rather annoying. 6th place was fair enough.


15) DENMARK - Rasmussen with 'Higher Ground' - 9th with 226 points

A pure, Scandinavian piece of Viking-like moves and mood managed to get a great public televote score despite a poor jury vote; another potential dark horse that went down well in the Eurovision village.

The message of the song was one of peace and to take the 'Higher Ground' and it was a deserved top-10 finish for the Viking.



16) AUSTRALIA - Jessica Mauboy with 'We Got Love' - 20th with 99 points

Agree or disagree with Australia's inclusion, it seems Europe didn't like this pop offering from Jessica Mauboy as it finished stone dead last in the public vote, only saved by a mediocre jury result. The song itself wasn't very memorable. In fact, a lone performance for a song about being in a group full of love was the oxymoron Jessica could have done without. Australia's lowest ever ranking...


17) FINLAND - Saara Aalto with 'Monsters' - 25th with 46 points

Fans of The X Factor will have seen a familiar face for the Finnish entry, as perennial runner-up Saara Aalto fell foul of possibly the harshest final spot after a fun and inspiring song about fighting your demons.

I can't explain a second-last finish, but at least Saara won't have the pain of a 2nd place finish. Only second last...


18) BULGARIA - Equinox with 'Bones' - 14th by 166 points

Another song that appears much better on our TV screen than live in the arena is from the dark and moody Bulgarians. Possibly dwarfed by the promise of the strongest finish to a Contest in recent times, it didn't place as high as many thought it would and - I have to be honest - it wasn't a favourite of mine either. The best part of it was the split screen graphics, which isn't the most favourable of compliments...

19) MOLDOVA - DoReDos with 'My Lucky Day' - 10th with 209 points

The winner of the 'Song I Hated but then Translated to A Song I Loved' award is this fun and cheeky offering from Moldova. The song doesn't amount to much, but as soon as we saw the live staging, it suddenly made sense. It was an impressive effort from the trio and their twins to remember the complex movements of doors and dances and Europe agreed. A deserved top 10 finish.

20) SWEDEN - Benjamin Ingrosso with 'Dance You Off' - 7th with 274 points

It took me months to try and work out where I knew this name from, before it eventually clicked last week that I was thinking of Benjamin's brother, Sebastian - one half of club band Swedish House Mafia.

Unfortunately, Benjamin's nature doesn't endear him to the popular vote - so much so that with every "douze points" from the jury was greeted with a large groan from the substantial Village crowd. I can certainly see why; Benjamin came across as unbelievably smug - even more so than Mikolas and Mr Rybak before him, and that look doesn't look good. Proved by the dire televote that ruined Sweden's chances of victory.

21) HUNGARY - AWS with 'Vizslat Nyar' - 21st with 93 points

Just like the operatic option chosen to represent Estonia, there is always one hard rock twig thrown on to the bonfire, and if there was one thing that twig did, it was boost it. The screaming was drowned out only by the fireworks and the flames, but while bands like these try and replicate Lordi's victory 12 years ago, Europe doesn't quite go for this kind of thing.

22) ISRAEL - Netta with 'Toy' - 1ST WITH 529 POINTS

Jerusalem 2019 anyone?

A slightly controversial winner this one, but barring the SuRie saga, this rather strange song from Netta was the biggest talking point and enough to win the hearts and minds of Europe, who went as mental as the song whenever it was played. The song itself is about the #MeToo movement; and how women are not the play things of guys, but you wouldn't have guessed it by the way the chicken dance and the noises, plus the creepy waving cats and the erratic dances were anything to go by. 

It's a marmite song; incidentally getting the largest amount of "dislikes" for a Eurovision winner on YouTube, but the huge cheers that erupted from the village proved conclusive as Israel secure the trophy for the first time since Dana International in 1998.

23) THE NETHERLANDS - Waylon with 'Outlaw in 'Em' - 18th with 121 points

As always, it is never easy following the eventual winner, and this year's offering from the country world was this catchy tune from Waylon - who has had previous success in Eurovision as one half of the Common Linnets. 

While the song was good, it was somewhat ruined by strange dancers who looked more like drugged-up monsters trying to dance at a heavy metal gig in Shoreditch. It completely ruined the song, and potentially contributed to a surprisingly low finish.

24) IRELAND - Ryan O' Shaughnessy with 'Together' - 16th with 136 points

Ireland finally reached the Grand Final for the first time since 2013, and very late on, made a surge up the betting odds to 3rd favourites. Many backed it as a dark horse, but the song ultimately fell short.

This sad song is about a break-up, but the special aspect of it isn't the singer - that some of you may recognise from Britain's Got Talent - it was the pair of male dancers. It was the first time that the story was about a same-sex male couple on the Eurovision stage as the dancers captured the hearts of the European crowd, if not the Chinese one. I have to admit to shedding a tear in the arena on Tuesday night and I'm disappointed it finished so low. It was one of my favourites from the start, and remains so even now.

25) CYPRUS - Eleni Foureira with 'Fuego' - 2nd with 436 points

So near yet so far for the Cypriot Beyoncé, who just missed out on the Eurovision crown with this contemporary and sexy number. Many people preferred this to the eventual winner, and while the song was full of style and panache, hot favourite Eleni will have to make do with the runner-up spot, along with those of us who would have much preferred a trip to sunny Limassol instead of the tense city of Jerusalem...




26) ITALY - Ermal & Fabrizio Moro with 'Non mi Avete Fatto Niente' - 5th with 308 points

The Italians have had pretty good success from the final spot in the running order, (Remember Il Volo?) and this was another successful night for them whilst rounding off the show.

This was another song that benefited from intelligent graphics and a song that grew on me throughout the week. Also, along with Germany, the song that I have been listening to most post-contest. A deserved 5th place finish!


And there we have it. Another contest has passed, with drama, class and tears. A special mention for non-qualifiers San Marino - who's presence in the Grand Final will occur one day! I for one would have loved the sassy robots exposed to the final stage, but it wasn't to be.

Reconvene in May 2019? See you in Israel!

Over and Out

The 15th November 2017 was the last time I wrote a blog post. That's almost four months ago, and if you've been following this blog since the get go, you'll realise that's by far the longest gap in between blogs there has ever been in 8 years worth of posts.

This blog was always meant to be a soundboard. A place to reveal my inner most demons in a creative way. It developed into a plethora of the good, the bad and the ugly, but ultimately these pages are full of memories. A few good times yes, but mostly a lot of bad. Also, a few times, I have written posts that claim I'm happy. Yet I kept on coming back to use the soundboard.

These past four months have been different. Truly different. I have a new job that I love and have already been given a promotion in; the relationship with my family is as good as it ever has been. I have a regular newspaper column to keep my writing ambitions simmering in the background and most importantly of all? I've stopped drinking.

Those Friday night alcohol binges have been replaced by Netflix binges and I see tangible results. More money. Less weight. No hangovers. In short, my mind is finally clear. After a decade of troubles, I am free, and although it will take conscious effort to keep it that way, I genuinely believe I have finally grown up.

And with that, comes the end of this blog. I don't want to feel compelled to keep this blog alive, but also, I don't want to leave the final post as being about an Ashes series that ended up being a catastrophe. I wanted to give it a final goodbye. At Christmas, I received a plaque from my family that said this:

"Take pride in how far you have come. And have faith in how far you can go."

Over and out.