En Route to Proper Adulthood

It's been a solid enough few weeks. Work has become a little more stable, despite the odd occasion where a customer turns up with some random form and I have no idea what to do with it. I have learnt to deal with the occasional down feelings a bit more sensibly and rationally, but my single fear is that it's because it's Summer, and Summer always brings out the best in me. Eventually. I won't try and think about Winter 2012 too much!

However, it really does depend on how you look at it. Is it really Summer? Pissing with rain and temperatures that belong in November, it isn't really Summer at all, yet I've been alright. I haven't been great, but I haven't been awful either.

So what's actually happened? Well, not a lot to be quite frank. I've settled in a bit more in the workplace, even if I am feeling a little patronised on occasions by the annoying and belittling store manager who works in the shop. She has a frustratingly strong south London accent, and always asks if she can do her a favour doing this and that, even though she knows we have no choice. For some reason, I find it infuriating. Just give it to us, and bugger off! There have been a couple of occasions where I have let the anxiety get to me somewhat. One of these was last week, where I had no choice but to leave the safe open overnight because it was jammed, (for the 2nd night since I started), and I spent the whole night copiously imagining someone helping themselves to the thousands of pounds that lie inside. And I'm afraid another of these times is right at this moment.

Since I left at 1pm on Saturday afternoon, I have tried so very, very hard to not think about it, but I did leave the main safe £600 down. Now, whether that's a mistake seperating the load of banking I received on Saturday, a mistake entering the figures on the system, or whether I've genuinely thrown £600 somewhere, I have no idea. My severe anxiety is telling me the latter, but if that was the case, then I think my own till would have been £600 up, which it wasn't. Don't think that through too much, it's complicated. Even my brain, which I will say with a lack of characteristic modesty, is good when it comes to arithmetic. My rational thoughts tell me that I've simply put £600 in a bag somewhere, leaving £1600 in a bag that's supposed to have £1000 in, leaving the safe seemingly £600 short. Understand? No, me neither.

I don't think people appreciate how complicated that little office at the back of the shop is. I spend most of my time there complaining on Twitter, (I know, I really should stop with that), about how bored I am, but when there is actually things to be done, it is rather complicated. I need all of my limited brain power to juggle tasks and remember how to do this and that and quite frankly, i'm doing well to keep up. Sometimes I look like an idiot, and do things wrong, but again, the rational side of me thinks, "You learn from your mistakes, and you have only been there 3 months". I do need to listen to the rational side of me more.

The cricket season was supposed to start today. The one activity in my life that I enjoy above all else, but pre-season practice and the start of competitive cricket has been ruined by aforementioned weather. Unseasonably cold air coupled with persistent rain, which at times have been monsoon-esque, have simply ruined what would be a fantastic moment. At 2pm this afternoon, I stopped and thought... "I should be walking out to bat right now...". It's frustrating, but one of those things that can't be helped.

The furore over my Twitter punishment has calmed down, given that I made the sensible decision to stop running after the FA, demanding an explanation into their ridiculous regulations. I figured out that I would never get an answer, and with everything else going on inside my head, I didn't need another head-busting experience to add to it. It's a real shame, but I sold my referee kit to Mr.Wright, who paid a generous amount of money for it, seeing as I was about to offer it to him for a tenner. It looks like my referee career is over. Onwards and upwards.

What else? I don't know, but I'm 21 in two weeks time. Apparently, the "official" age to become an adult. I can sort of see the meaning behind that. In the world of work for the past 3 years, I have sort of felt like a boy in a man's world, and hopefully that can change. Otherwise, I shall plough on, fighting the daily fight, that has become an acceptably private fight, as I have figured out that I cannot talk to people about the same old problems, day in, day out. People have their own problems. I've accepted this is the best thing for everyone, and will work on dealing with it on my own. Staying rational, and trying to minimise the bad times, working on changing them to good times. Impossible, maybe, but I'll give it a go.

What else can I do?