That Old Dilemma

I went to a cricket meeting this evening. Boring it may sound, and you'd probably be right. As I have committed myself to this venture however, I thought it would be right to try and get in with the crowd, and start spreading the word, as it were. I am young, new to the scene of background goings-on, and it is useful if I start introducing myself to the "bigwigs" at the new brand new Bedfordshire Cricket Limited. It was another AGM, another hour used in my life sat going through genial formalities, and although there were a couple of amusing remarks, not least from a man who was committed to argue against anything and everything, I spent most of the evening deep in thought. As the new board introduced themselves, in scrupulous detail, especially picked based upon their experience, knowledge and passion for the sport and business in general, I thought to myself... Could that be me?

Not now obviously. I'm not even close to being experienced enough to land a role of such magnitude, and to expect to be, even by my standards, is just outlandish. But what about in 20, 30, 40 years? When I reach my half-century, will I be able to look back on the past 30 or so years and congratulate myself on a job well done or will I look back and wonder? Wonder what could have been. I sort of know what you're thinking, dear reader.

"You're only 21! You have your life ahead of you, and you can do whatever you like!"

Yes. And no. For a person of a normal disposition, It would be simply a choice of which field to undertake and get going. Simple as that. However, my brain thinks differently. The copious amounts of doubt that lie within me are becoming uncontrollable. I have days where I feel like I can do what I want, and wouldn't have too much trouble getting it either. But then the next day, I am treated to a serving of double anxiety with a dessert of self-doubt. People say, "You only get one opportunity" and "Go for it! You'll never know otherwise", but how can it be that easy? How do people just take that leap? What happens if I choose to go into this and it doesn't go right? Previous experience would tell me to be happy with what I've got and just don't gamble. But human instinct and general consensus states that you must chase ultimate happiness. Satisfaction, whether that be career-based, family-based or life-based is what a human being MUST go for. The human race act as if there is no other way.

What am I contemplating? Once more tonight, I was told that I am good at this writing business, and that I should consider a career in journalism. It is something I have contemplated in the past, and then dismissed because of my lack of relevant qualifications and the fact that university is simply not an option. There are other ways in of course, but... I don't think I can do it. Journalism isn't just writing. It's the research, its the long hours, its the chasing-up and momentous phone-calling and badgering people for information. I have never given it as much thought as I have done lately, but I would be useless at that part of the job. I can barely get information out of myself, how am I going to get information out of others? My desire to be successful is momentous, but I just do not possess the motivation or the hunger to reach that point. The catalyst is absent. The willingness to work and work hard is astray. The drive that is required is elsewhere.

I know, deep down, it will not be handed to me on a silver platter. Of course it won't. To achieve anything you have to work at it. I know that. It is a lesson of life. 'Pain is temporary, but quitting lasts forever'. Right now, and lately, it just feels like 'Pain lasts forever'. Negativity comes to the fore once more.

I know I'm naturally lazy. I make no bones about it, I am naturally bone idle. I am not a hard worker by any stretch of the imagination, but it can be changed. It is just immensely difficult, just like everything else. I have surrounded myself with people who are successful, and it makes me feel like I should match them. My Dad runs his own factory, my sister is a lawyer, my Mum juggles work and running the home almost effortlessly. One of my friends works 80 hour weeks, being a full-time student and running his own freelance business. A few other friends work in the City, commuting day in, day out, with fancy job titles and make their career progression sound as simple as microwaving a pizza. Loads of other friends are full-time students, which is supposed to be the best time of your life, but I still marvel at their workloads, as they fight to complete assignments and dissertations on top of revising for exams whilst freezing to death in their student house. Another friend has his own business, another one is doing a Masters degree with a job on top. My cousin is in charge of a housing development group, and has just become a Father aswell. My other cousin is well on his way to becoming a successful stage star, having already starred in adverts and musicals in famous venues. My new colleagues at the cricket club are head strategists, computer programmers or top coaches whilst working on new sports psychology projects on the side. Maybe listing them out wasn't such a bright idea, as it makes me feel worse... But that is the reality of the situation.

Meanwhile, there's me. Not even working a full-time week in a small post office, on my own. Wanting to branch out and do something with my life, but just not doing it. Yes, you can say, "It doesn't matter what other people are doing", but to me - it does. I feel lacklustre and worthless. What's worse, is that I know what is stopping me. I am absolutely terrified of failure. I'm so scared of repeating last September. So scared of repeating the mess of my first job and so scared of spending time doing something that may well ultimately lead to nothing. I have never been certain of what I want to do with my life, only having flashes of inspiration before it is quickly drowned out by the trials and tribulations of the hand I have been dealt. I fear I will never know.

There was one man at this cricket meeting tonight that I admire. The life he has had has been extraordinary, yet he has seemingly made it look effortless. He was a Chief Inspector (now retired), a Football League referee, whilst also raising a family and everything that comes with that plus played cricket at the weekends. I cannot fathom how people can juggle all of that. He is now on the Board at this new Bedfordshire Cricket Limited, branching out even more. Am I jealous? Yes. Has he worked hard for it? Most probably. Will I do the same? I highly doubt it.

I don't think I can go for it. I genuinely think the only opportunity I have of success is sticking with my hand at the moment. (Very) deep down, I know I am better. It can, (and has) been worse, but ultimately, I have this negative frame of mind.

I can hear you shouting at your screen. "Just do it!" ... It's so much more complex than that.