Well, what a week it has been.
I'm not going to sit here and speculate as to what the Trump presidency will entail as none of us can see what the future holds. But there are a few points I want to make.
The first of which isn't really an issue at all, but the polls? Is there now any point in the constant, ever-changing monotony of election polling when they've got it so wrong in the last three great political decisions of our time in the last 18 months? The answer is no, but probably more to the point is why they got it so wrong. The American and British public are now more right wing then ever before, but asked which way they are going to vote, they lie. Why? Because they don't want to be shouted down by an increasingly hot-headed and argumentative left-wing millennial who claim all voters who vote against them are stupid and/or racist and/or sexist.
Delete as appropriate.
In this social media world of ours, a lot of us were tricked into thinking that most people backed Clinton on Twitter so she'd walk it. Likewise with a No vote for Brexit. Yet the world is so much bigger than Twitter, and the voting booth is now the only private space left in it.
But while I bemoan the lack of argument from the political left, (Clinton's campaign had next to no policy in it WHATSOEVER), I also bemoan the right. Not for obvious reasons, but for it's sheer brazen nature of U-turning. Trump once claimed the Electoral College was "a disaster for democracy". I can't imagine he thinks that now. Nigel Farage claimed a 52-48 defeat "wouldn't be the end of the fight" and then tells people to stop fighting when it's a 52-48 result in his favour.
We cannot put up with this kind of behaviour.
But, while there are many reasons to dislike the events of 2016 politics, my mind cannot get past the sadness I feel for our LGBT community. On June 12th, a man killed 49 people in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. 5 months later, the state of Florida voted in the man who didn't even mention the victims in boasting he was "right about Islamic extremism". 5 months later, Florida voted in a Vice President who wanted to see all 49 of them, and every other LGBT person, to go through gay conversion therapy. To "cure" them of being gay.
What kind of resentment is that? I cannot find the words.
So while I think the political left have contributed a bit to this culture we find ourselves in, my thoughts are with the minority groups. Hispanics. African Americans. Disabled people. LGBT people. Women. Anyone who hasn't felt the seductively easy world of the straight cis able-bodied white man. Because while Clinton was right; we do have to give Trump a chance, Americans have every right to be afraid. And what do people do when they are afraid? Some run. But some fight.
Much closer to home, I'm doing some fighting of my own. While some days are fine, some days I struggle to untangle the knots of pure disgust that have developed inside my head. A couple of weeks ago, I ran, hiding in my bedroom waiting, hoping for a chink of light to appear among the ball of mess that was my brain. I make no concessions of how torturous that week was. Many times I stared at the boxes of sertraline and quetiapine on my bedside table and wondered what it would be like to take them all and escape.
Another week later, I was sitting in the conservatory of a stranger's house, trying to come to terms with the latest episode. This psychotherapy the latest treatment to add to the long list of treatments in my past. She sat there in silence, waiting for me to talk. I struggled in that room, for I know things are wrong but I don't know what. But I felt like I had to say something. The second instalment is on Tuesday.
This world of ours is fucking horrible at times. One of my saving graces sometimes is that I remember that I am lucky. I am not living in Eastern Aleppo or North Korea. My mum is still alive. I have a bed. Perspective is important.
But we have to fight for better.
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